Hi everyone. I just found this site yesterday, so I am brand new to this board. I am embarrassed to tell my story, but I am floundering, and I feel that I need some guidance and/or support from those who have been on both sides of my situation. I have been married for 16 years, and my H and I have 2 children. The last 5 years of our marriage have been a real struggle with me trying to no avail to get my H to make changes regarding his drinking and our serious financial problems.

Last September, I began an EA with a man who had been a friend for a little over a year. My marriage was in such a mess at the time that I honestly believed this man had been sent to rescue me. By January, he had convinced me to leave my H and start a new life with him. I finally left my H, but as soon as I did, this man immediately began to pull away from me for no logical reason. He suddenly rejected and abandoned me when I needed him most. When he told me he was done with our relationship, it completely broke me. In February, I admitted the EA to my H and went back home. Since then, I have continued to have limited contact with the other man b/c our children are very close. My H knows about all of this contact, and I have been honest with my H about everything since I’ve been home. For months, the other man has blamed me for ruining our relationship by going back home, even though he told me it was over. He also continues to throw it in my face that I’m with my H. He seems very jealous although he’s also made it clear that he wouldn’t want me even if I left again. His mixed signals have made me crazy, and I have recently initiated NC with him and his kids.

The problem is that I can’t seem to get over my hurt and pain and try to make things work with my H. I have read posts by others who feel so sorry for what they have done, and would do anything to make it up to their spouse. While I feel bad for hurting my H, I don’t have that desire to do whatever it takes to make this up to him. He has been forgiving, and he’s tried to help me deal with my hurt stemming from the A. I know it would be best for my kids, if I could love him again, but I only feel friendship for him. In fact, I sometimes get angry that he has been willing to put up with so much from me. I almost wish he would just get angry and kick me out on my ear.

Our marriage has had serious problems for years, and no matter how much I tried to ask my H for things to change, they didn’t. The underyling problems in our marriage still haven't changes. I used to love my H so much, but I feel like I closed the door emotionally on my H when I began the A, and now I don’t know how to reopen it. I keep thinking that with time away from the OM, maybe my feelings for my H will start to come back. Can anyone relate to this at all? Does my marriage have any hope of surviving this?

You left your husband to be with this man and your A with him was only an EA, not a PA? This does not ring as true. Could you be more forthcoming here?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It's a great place to come for support.

First, you need to have no contact with the other man, for any reason. It doesn't matter if the kids are friends. He needs to be out of your life.

Next, I'm interested in hearing more about your husband's drinking.

You MUST go to total NC with the OM...only then can you withdraw from him and come out of the fog enough to give your husband what he deserves...

And, for the record, I'm with UVA...hard to believe that there was no PA in your situation...ante up...

Mrs. W

I keep holding on to hope that what you all say is true..that with time and NC with the OM, the fog I'm in will lift, and my feelings for my H will return.

I am not trying to be anything less than honest with any of you about my A. I've been told by several people around me that my affair was an EA b/c we never had sex or anything close to sex. However, we did kiss, nothing more. Maybe I am going on an incorrect definition of EA. Please help set me straight. I want to be as honest with everyone as I can be.

And your husband's drinking?

My mother-in-law, who lives with us, drinks excessively. I'm not an expert on the subject, but I would consider her an alcoholic. This is why I worry more about my H's drinking.

My H has been a drinker and a partier for as long as I've known him. I am not a drinker at all, so this is something I've never really liked, but as long as he was only drinking socially, I was okay with it. My H has anxiety issues, and the last 5 years or so he's started drinking anytime he gets nervous - especially when he's alone. For example, he never leaves home without a bottle of liquor in his truck in case he gets nervous on the road. When he's alone, he often drinks and drives which really upsets me. He defends this action by claiming he only takes a sip to calm his nerves. He also has recently taken a job that requires him to work out of town, and he drinks most nights b/c he's lonely and he gets nervous when I'm not around. My therapist says is codependent on me.

I have had a long problem with panic attacks/anxiety. He is telling you the truth that alcolhol helps. But that is only in the short run. Overall, it causes more anxiety, which requires more alcohol, and on and on.

There is very good medicine for this problem. It does not get you high or impaired. It just takes care of the anxiety.

I know it is hard living with an alcoholic (and by my definition your husband is one). I hope that you will insist that your husband get some help. When you get those issues straightened out, and have no contact with the other man, your feelings will come back for your husband.

I have also had problems with anxiety, so I completely understand his fear. An anxiety attack is one of the most frightening things you can go through b/c it feels like you are dying. My H has been on medication for his anxiety for several years, and I know the medication helps him. But he still won't give up the drinking. He doesn't really see it as a problem, so he won't get help.

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. The problems here were bad enough before my A, but now it seems almost impossible to deal with the same old issues in my M, the A, and my broken heart. It feels overwhelming.

Most alcholics don't see drinking as a problem, unless they run out of money to buy their alcohol.

Your husband and you need to see his doctor. The drinking is not helping. Maybe he needs other meds.

And I don't think you want to go back to the same old marriage. Sounds like there were lots of problems.

Are the financial problems caused by his drinking, or something else?

The financial problems haven't been caused by the drinking. My H and I married at 18, and he really wasn't ready for the responsibility. For the first 12 years or so of our marriage, he would not hold down a steady job, often taking 3 - 6 month breaks in between jobs. This lead to many financial problems that we still struggle with today. He has made huge improvements in his work habits the last few years. Still, neither of us is particulary great with money, and my H believes that if he wants something, he should be able to get it. His spending habits are very irresponsible.

Well, that is something else to work on.

Have you ever been to alanon?

No. I have never been to Al Anon. My H would probably have a fit if I did. He doesn't believe he has a problem, and my going to AA would make him very angry. Also, I am in therapy to try to deal with everything that has happened, but he doesn't like that either. He thinks that talking to him should be enough to help me get over this.

I know this is probably a silly question, but several people mentioned it to me earlier in this thread, and I'd like to get my facts straight. What is the difference between an EA and a PA? If there was no sex is that considered an EA, or does any physical contact (kissing) make an affair a PA?