I havent posted or read posts in awhile. I have 2 children(13 & 12)I moved out of my house that I lived in w/ my stbxh. My H has a bad temper, was verbal/physical abusive to me and my son(12 yr old). Also, he had twin 14 yr old sons whom were very disrespectful to me and treated me like my H did. I have been very generous and agreed to share custody/visitation equally w/ my H. I have been moved out for 4 months. My daughter has told me that she is glad my H and I split cuz we are both more"peaceful". My d has been very snotty, rude, and disrespectful to me. She acts like she is angry at me. She defends her dad, she is acting just like him. She makes critical and judgemental comments to me. I have tried to talk things out w/ her. I am seeing a counselor about it. I am pretty sure my d would hate me more than she already does if I made her go to a C. I dont know what to do? Has anyone else gone thru this? What did I do wrong? I left her abusive dad and she acts angry at me and is abusive to me. I sure cant "leave" my dd. Yes, I realize she is 13 and going thru a lot anyway but how much is her age and how much is inappropriate abuse???

What about you, Arielle? Counseling and studying...finding your payoff in being in abusive relationships...you growing changes everything...

Have you studied up on boundaries? Standards? Not choosing your actions from fear, but love?

You can change your life...fully, from your inside to your outside.

You're not alone.

LA

P.S. It just hit me the ages in the kids and the twins from his first marriage...how did that happen, so close together?

My stepsons just turned 15 on may 14th. We were married 2 months then their mom popped into our life and decided to name a father so she could collect welfare. I faithfully attend church every Sunday, a bible study, personal counselling, divorcecare. I was married to H for almost 14 years. I/we have been thru IC and MC 3 different times in our marriage. I left him a year ago and moved into the aware shelter. He agreed to get IC and anger management and never followed thru on either.So I moved back in and we even renewed our wedding vows and went on a honeymoon. He was great for 2 months before RV then instally was back to all the abuse. When I first married him I had a low self esteem and allowed him to control me. After 5 years of marriage, I sought out a christian C and he helped me to gain my self esteem back, realize that my H was wrong to control me so I stood up to him and stopped letting him control me. It made things really hard and I would get long "lectures" but it was worth it because I could still go out w/ my friends, wear what I wanted, etc. I have no regrets about leaving and I know that I tried everything I could to save the marriage but it was a 1 way street. My H needs to get prof. help. He has a lot of pride and anger. He wont even admit that I left because of him. It was such a nightmare to live w/ someone who always critcized me, tore me down, didnt love me for who I am, had a problem w/ everything I did or didnt do!!! Oh, I am reading the verbally abusive relationship.

Great, because I was going to recommend that book. You DD is VA because you modeled VA in your marriage. You showed her that it is acceptable to be abusive to you. Now you want to change that. The book gives great ways to counter the VA and EA which you likely never tried before (as I didn't).

You'll find many great things in that book. Just because you've changed, doesn't mean the others will. And you can only change you - you can't change them or expect them to change, so get over that right now.

You have a great start with that book and with your counselor. Don't expect changes in others, change your self and how you RESPOND (not REACT) to them. It takes time. If you've been in a shelter, they also likely offer counseling for domestic abuse, so use their resources.

I've been there, and old patterns are hard to break. It's likely you accepted the abuse because of your FOO (family of origin). I'm thinking codependency here and there are many great books on codependcy by Melodie Beattie.

Look at your own contribution to the situation and deal with that, to rebuild your life.
There is also a support group for kids called Rainbows at www.rainbows.org. Perhaps your children can attend.

Good Luck and keep up the positive moves.

I am - depending on my STBX mood, if he is in a bad one it is all my fault everything is my fault and he does not let up. He also calls me names all the time.

I have finally started calling him on it - saying that is disrepectful to me and I do not appreciate it. I need to work on my boundaires I tend to let him walk all over me. Of course, my excuse is I do not want to upset him until everything is signed so he does not change his mind on stuff.

Mine STBX is werid and back and forth. Yesterday he was laying into me that all I was after is his money and I would not settle for anything because I wanted more money, etc. That is his big thing that I want all the money in the divorce. Then today he is thanking me for the children and telling me he is sorry? I do not get him at all anymore everyday is something new and some other behavior.

As sad as I am, I am looking forward to this being over so I can be in control of my own life.

I would definitely recommend some counseling for your children. Seeing this happen in their lives disrupts them, too.

My own children are not immune to my emotional turmoil. Others have told me that their children also mirror their emotional states. They may have seen your h (or you) model disrespectufl behaviour and they may be modeling what they see as well as the tension they feel.

Your daughter is expressing her hurt and anger. When I was divorcing my ex...my children were confused, hurt, and emotionally couldn't seem to get a grip on things. My oldest would call me names, yell at me. Her father finally got out of the house after many times the counselor told him to. My kids would blame me for the divorce. Now the kids are young adults, see things differently. I have been divorced for 4 years. The oldest doesn't call me names...and she moved out of state to where her father lives maybe 3 weeks out of the year. This move was good for her...and for me.

Your children need to go to counseling. I wanted my kids to go to counseling during the divorce/separation but my ex said NO. That he was talking to the kids and everything is alright. He still feels that his talking to the kids was the only right thing to do. He still feels that counseling would of not been good. My oldest and I went to counseling 4 or 5 times together...and she quit. She said to the counselor that my dad talked to her and that things are okay the way they are. A controller rules and doesn't let anyone tell them what to do.

As far as yourself...continue counseling...and get counseling for your daughter. The twins...let your ex deal with them...and all you can do is be supportive to them and if they are disrespectful to tell them this behavior is not accepted.

It is so hard to see the ones that you love get hurt. They turn on the one that they love the most and take their anger out on that person.

I have found in due time there will be a turn around. I took many verbal abuses from the kids not all of them. I cried in the beginning and let it really hurt me. Then through counseling...I was able to built a wall against the abuse. I would say I understand that you are angry. I would express that I am not their punching bag...and I am a valuable person and that God loves me.

Sorry for all the pain you are going through...it does get better. Keep talking here...there are many of use who have gone through the same situation....Blessings...LoveinHim