Been cleaning up this morning and found some old notes from MB sessions with Steve.

Maybe this can be helpful to others.

He told me to WRITE THIS DOWN and to say this to my then WH in response to his request for a marital separation right after D-Day. My H was wanting me to AGREE to a SEPARATION.

Steve told me to say this and I quote:

"I love you and won't leave you. If you need to leave me that is your choice and I can't stop you. I don't think the best way for us to solve our problems is for us to be apart. The times we are going through are rough right now. Moving out is a big decision. We've been married for a long time. I know a counselor (Steve Harley) who can help me understand your point of view."

He also wanted me to ask him (which I did): What will be the purpose of the separation? AND How are you going to take care of yourself when we are separated?

Mimi,
Was the A ongoing at this time? WH told me last night he wnanted to separate, and in a way I thought it might be okay, since NC still has not been established and he refuses to commit to the marriage at all. I'm not sure what to do in my situation. Would SH advocate separation for me, or would he still advise me to not agree to it? Btw, the contact is sporadic and by phone.

Thanks for sharing those words of wisdom.

Dulce

I bet mimi would reply:

SH was clear. Separation cannot possibly help to cure the marriage disease - no more than cutting off your head can "cure" a headache by virtue of separating it from your body.

Well, maybe she wouldn't have said it exactly like that. Youget the point, right?

I wonder if SH's advice would have changed if he'd been asked how the betrayed spouse pays the bills when a wayward spouse leaves the home and refuses to support the family? If there's no separation order mandated by the court, the betrayed spouse and children suffer greatly. I can't believe SH would advocate such a thing.

Longhorn:

Once my H left, despite these communications, Steve recommended a separation agreement to protect myself and my son.

I did obtain a legal separation agreement.

I had weekly, sometimes twice a week, sessions with Steve...

Dulce -


No. Don't willingly separate. If NC has not been established and your WH has not yet committed to the marriage, all you're doing by agreeing to separate is giving him the opportunity to continue the affair.

I am (even before coming to MB in December last year) fundamentally opposed to separations as a means to solve marriage problems. They rarely do - they usually server as a prelude to divorce.

My wife came to me a few months ago and wanted a minimum 6-month separation, to get to know the "new" me. I kicked the idea around for a bit, but decided that if there was a separation, it would not be initiated by me, and I would not leave the house nor uproot our kids. In other words, I would not stop her from leaving if that was her choice, but I was not going to vacate the house.

We're still in the same house, and still working on things. Is NC established? Not yet - but she tells me when it occurs, and the last few times it's been initiated by the OM. (Next step is to get her to refuse contact). Is she committed to our marriage? I think so, though not to the degree I would like at this point.

Would we be where we are now if we had separated? I doubt it. The logistics involved of running a household divided with kids would have made it very hard (financially and time-wise) to have any time together, and would have allowed both of us to not face the problems we need to address.

There are times when separation is called for - especially when abuse is involved or lives are at stake. I know of one couple in our church who underwent a separation (they were also in very good counseling at the time), and they both swear it saved their marriage. But, IMO, they are the exception, not the rule.

If your WH leaves, that's his choice. I do not think that you should agree to a separation at this point, or be the one to leave. It's very hard to fix something that's broke remotely - much easier if you're on site and present.

Dulce:

The A was definitely ongoing. I knew it. Steve knew it. I had just exposed on D-Day. Everything was out in the open so H wanted to continue his A, which had previously been in SECRET, legitimately, so that he would not feel so WRONG. I think my H would have carried on his A indefinitely if I had not discovered it. He wanted to keep the both of us.

I would think that,in most cases, Steve would not advocate for the BS to AGREE to a separation. He would recommend staying together "TO WORK ON THE MARRIAGE". It's difficult to do so while separated particularly since the main purpose for a requested separation on the part of a WS is to continue the A without complications... Also,this would give the OP even more opportunity to make love deposits and the BS would have less opportunity to demonstrate changes during a PLAN A.

Interesting topic. My H's IC seems to think this concept of "controlled separation" as outlined in some book called "should I stay or go?" is the way to go. My H has read HN/HN and this one. He seems keen on separation. I told him the only reason I'm still trying at all is b/c we are still entangled in so many ways with the kids, the house, the business, and mutual debts and assets. We'll see how it plays out.

Thanks for the words of advice and clarification. I think you're all right -- that separation is not usually the answer. I guess for now WH is staying and one of us (not him) is going to work on the M. I'm praying that someday (soon, hopefully) he will want to as well. It really helps me hang in there during the tough times, knowing you all are out there and willing to help. Thanks!

Dulce

When WH asked our MC about separation, MC said "You want to run away from reality, go ahead. You're married. You are a husband...she is your wife. Don't play single. You're married."

Stunned us...I thought he was supposed to give me permission to be his wife and he thought he feared being alone too much to be single...turns out, we were both wrong.

LOL!

Strong MC's laying it on the line is really important.

LA

imanotherone...have you read should I stay or should I go? I did. I gave all of the questions to my H to answer...and all answers to the questions pointed to "he should stay"...but we still separated.

If you can avoid a separation, please do. Nothing is guaranteed, but once we separated, the chances of us making it were very very very small compared to just 'small' if I had stayed. I do regret out separation.

We went to MC yesterday (the one who gave us "should I stay or should I go?"). H was really hoping she would encourage the Controlled Separation (CS). She didn't say anything about it. H was disappointed. He brought his little book with all the forms, hoping to escape the M.

He even said afterwards, "Why did she give us this book to read, and then not pursue it?" Well, I think she gave us the book because she thought **I** was about to file for the D. She probably saw CS as the best way to slow things down.

MC came into the process a little late in the game, as we've been to many MC's and beaten the dead horse, so to speak. She seems to find our stubbornness unimaginable. That was our first MC session in about 6 months, and we both hate to bring up anything painful or difficult, lest it "rock the boat" of our already harmonious disharmony.

H still walks around with his little book, hoping I agree to the CS. He's kind of formed his own little CS, by spending many nights at his brother's house, and encouraging me to stay with my mom whenever possible. Doesn't look good, but at least he's not banging the little 21 year old anymore. Small token, I guess.