Ok Here goes..gonna be a long post...

So I met what I thought was the "perfect" man 7 years ago..married him and had a child together...we werent married 2 years and he had an affair with a co-worker..we went to marriage counseling dealt with the problems and issues and continuted on with our marriage...

A year ago my husband got a new job that he loves!! I also found out that he found an old friend there..I noticed that they were talking alot and brought up my concern about it due to the first affair...

I have caught him in numerous lies, first..he told me he had to work one day and the company he works for was closed due to it being a holiday..I suspected something right then and there called the "OW" parents house cause she was living there and her mom and I started talking about how much my husband and her daughter were talking...then he wanted our daughter to go to a babysitter cause of my "depression" I agreed...but wasnt happy about it..well I found out the the "OW" set up daycare for my husband that it is at her cousins house and they meet there nightly...she also wrote her mom a letter that states that she felt that her and my husband had a future and they had talked about dating after him and I divorced..at this point in time we HADNT talked about divorcing...things really began to sour...he kept saying that it was just a friendship and that I was paranoid..said it was all in my head because of MY issues...then 2 Mondays ago I got a couple emails from "OW" family and again she is talking about her and MY husband having a future together..so on Tuesday May 23rd I packed my things and left him..

On Sunday May 28th I went to our house to have a talk with him...we both agreed to stay seperated but to go to marriage counseling again and try and work things out...he told me that he loved me and that it was hard because my depression had gotten me down and taken a tole on his love for me...he said if he didnt want me in his life he would he would say that he did love "OW" so I would just walk out the door but that wasnt the case..and he wouldnt lie to me..On Monday he dropped our daughter off and said he was going home to watch a movie..he forgot the stuffed animal that she sleeps with so I went to get it but he wasnt home..He was out at the babysitters playing Cards with them and the "OW"...I looked in the van to find the animal but it wasnt there..but his cell was..I picked it up and looked at it finding a message from her to him that said I love you!!!...I became IRRATE and went after him..not the smartest move of my life and something I regret but cant take back...he kept asking what was wrong we had such a good talk the night before..but of course Im gonna be mad he is out there with "OW" which I have been accusing him of having an affair with for months..

So this week I have found out that "OW" told her dad that my husband admitted to her that yes he still says he loves me but its all a mind game to get our daughter from me..that she has admitted to being in love with him to a family member of hers..that she is calling and looking for divorce lawyers for him..."OW" also wrote her mom an email that stated she is SURE they will have a future together and that she isnt going to lie that yes they have feelings for one another

So today our daughter comes back from spending the night with her father and is burnt from playing in the pool..she was tired so I asked her why...said she slept out at the babysitters house lastnight..daddy and "OW" and "OW" daughter did too...said that "OW" child and her slept on a blow up mattress and daddy and "OW" slept in the big bed together and that daddy was holding "OW"...this HAS got to be so confusing for my daugher..she said tonight that she wanted me and daddy together again..this not only pisses me off but takes away any and all hope I have of being with my husband...yes I know he has done wrong..I have made mistakes in our marriage also..but I honestly thought we could work through them and work them out...I just dont know what to do at this point..yes I am dumb I still want him back..I sit and think all the time...what do i need to do to win his love back...what can I do to win his love back..How can I make us a family again...I also try and think that maybe he is playing mind games with "OW" supposedly he told her a divorce and custody proceedings were gonna cost him $7000...or is he playing a mind game with her when he told her he didnt love me but says it to me so he can try and get our daughter..I sit and wonder who is he lying to??? both..me..her?? I just dont know anymore..I feel like my heart will NEVER mend over this..I feel alone..ashamed that I couldnt keep my husband..angry with myself for leaving him and now the affair seems to have gone even further instead of it stopping...PLEASE HELP

sadhurtconfused,

Welcome.

First, I would like to let you know that I too was a betrayed spouse. My wife had two affairs nine years apart. The last one was in 2000, and we have been in successful recovery for the last 6 years. I'm telling you this because you can survive an affair!

I want to give you some hope, but also a lot of homework! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you have not already, please read the top three links on this forum page (For Newly Betrayed Spouse, General Welcome, WAT's Quick Guide), and then I want you to order from this site the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. Here is the link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html

This is essential reading for you right now.

One final thing, you will need a very good coach to help you in your stated goal: "I sit and think all the time...what do i need to do to win his love back...what can I do to win his love back..How can I make us a family again".

This is something only a professional can help you with. As good as some of the people here are, your situation would benefit from the telephone counseling that is provided right here on this site. Please call toll free 1-888-639-1639.

They can help you.

You CAN get through this - I'm living proof!

All the best,

-HD

sadhurtconfused,

I forgot two other books that you might want to get, as they are a part of my MB Library and have helped both myself and my wife immensely in our recovery:

[color:"red"]Love Busters[/color]

[color:"red"]His Needs, Her Needs[/color]

Love Busters was a real eye-opener for me. I never realized how much I was destroying the love my wife had for me due to my thoughtless behaviors. It really made me think about how my actions helped to create the conditions that made her vulnerable to an affair.

His Needs, Her Needs was a book we read together, and it helped us both understand and discuss some of the things that we could do for each other to help get us "whole" again.

I know you may be thinking that this is a lot of money to be spending -- especially if you use the counseling, which I would recommend in your case. But whatever the cost is, it will be FAR LESS than a divorce. Trust me on this.

Hope this helps.

-HD

sadhurtconfused, You should not feel ashamed. Just stop with that right now. Please. You are a victim, and have nothing to be ashamed of. You will get through this, and come out of it with a stronger better marriage. But you need to be strong.

I don't post much, but want to give a word of encouragement. My wife had an A starting about a year ago. She became very cold and indifferent to me and the kids, also hostile and agressive, and took her heart from me completely. It was devastating. I made several mistakes, but MB got me started on the right path. After that I followed the MB line pretty well, and the result has been success. After six months of unbelievable incredible heartache, we pulled it together in December, and have gotten back to a warm and loving marriage, building a better relationship for the future.

You can do this! I agree with HD, and the others who I am sure will soon be here to help you. Get the books, study, learn, correspond here. You will get tons of support from kind generous loving people, and with their help you will succeed. God bless you, your family and your marriage.

OK I apologize I dont think I stated this clearly...he doesnt want me...he is telling "ow" that the ONLY reason he tells me that he loves me is to see his daughter and try and get custody of her...I believe he is in love with "OW" and not with me anymore...I believe he wants NOTHING to do with me...He even slapped an Order of Protection on me to try and get our daughter through that...but it didnt work...the court didnt grant that...So at this point in time I have NO hope that our marriage will last..I think the ONLY reason he hasnt filed for divorce is he doesnt have the money to do so currently...

Sad, what do you want to do about this? Two adulteries in one marriage mean your WH is a serial cheater. He's not making "a mistake." He has a serious defect in his makeup. Dr. Harley has said repeatedly it is incredibly difficult to put one adultery behind you. A second one is very nearly impossible.

It's your decision. If you want to try to save your marriage, MB folks will do all they can to help you through the difficult times. If you decide you can't go through with this, MB posters have been through that too and can help with pointers. Tell us what you want, okay?

I posted before I saw your last post, Sad. The questions still stand, but it now looks like the decision is being taken out of your hands.

Whenever a wayward spouse begins working the legal system, I think a betrayed spouse must get a bulldog of an attorney and fight back. (If you want to try and work on the marriage, you can tell your WH you only talk marriage and refer all questions about divorce or legal separation to your attorney.) Please protect yourself and your child by getting legal assistance at your earliest opportunity.