Yesterday I contacted the OM and tried to get him to break contact with my wife on moral grounds, telling him he was destroying my family and hurting my little boy. He just repeated the lie that he isn't having an affair with my wife. Naturally he called my wife. She is furious. Wants to know why I am interfering with their relationship. Then she went on to lie about when she will see him again, saying she has no plans to see him at all (I have a recorded telephone conversation where she tells him all the dates she will meet him this summer). I didn't spring the recording on her, I'm keeping that for court if I need it.

Anyway, she now wants a divorce and is figuring up all the debts and assets and wants to get me off the mortgage so I'll move out.

Really, I almost had to laugh when she was so insulted about me contacting the OM. The situation is like a farce; she is mad because I am trying to stop the affair?!? Crazy.

Oh well. A lot can happen in the next six months of the mandatory waiting period for a divorce in this state.

Think I blew it?

not yet but you will blow it if you are silly enough to move out. haven't you understood anything here on this site?

Did you go through Plan A/B to recover your marriage, big?

Hiker, don't get too concerned here, you didn't blow anything. This is a pretty natural reaction when you interfere with an affair. They almost always make threats when you do that in order to get you to STOP.

If she wants to discuss divorce, tell her you don't do divorce, you only do marriage, and refuse to discuss it. Refuse to participate in any discussions about divorce or seperation. If she wants to seperate, then make her do the moving and don't allow her to take the kids.

Actually it was SH who recommended I turn the heat up on the OM. I sent a letter to his boss about his use of the company cell phone to contact my wife and his leaving the jobsite during working hours to meet her.

Maybe the OM will get mad enough to confront me.

Thanks, Melody. Great advice.

I've never seen my wife get so angry before. Any threat to the affair turns into a monster. In the meantime, I am being just as kind and considerate as I can be: "I understand you are angry, but I want the affair to end. We need to work on our marriage and we can't do that while you are engaged in your affair."

Talking about the OM, she tells me, "He has his own problems to deal with. Quit calling him."

Well, I've only called twice in two months. HE has problems! What about us?

She had big plans to see the OM all summer and I guess I ruined them by not leaving.

Just keep the heat up, Hiker! Put on your asbestos suit and don't let her anger divert you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Great move contacting the OM's boss. When will he get the letter?

He should get it today. I was surprised by the bosses secretary when she said they were very concerned about this kind of behavior. She seemed in earnest.

You're getting great advice here hiker. But remember don't move out!

And in answer to your question, I never did Plan B and my plan A was pretty short. My wife moved out to shack up with OM. Exposure ruined her affair within a week. She was out of home for 2 weeks in total. Mind you, a lot of prayer as well as exposure caused that turn around. I didn't even find MB until she was in deep withdrawal pains and I thought we were not going to make it.

We used MB principals as the basis for re-building our marriage. They work.

Hiker,
I also found my wife to be angrier than I had ever seen her when I exposed the affair. She also got really angry several months later when I emailed the OM telling him not to contact her anymore. This seems to be normal behavior for the cheater to see the affair as the most important thing in the world. Any interference with it provokes rage.
Regards and best of luck!
68

That's great news. Something for me to look forward to. It's always encouraging to hear success stories.

My wife is so addicted to her affair that she appears ready to sacrifice everything to pursue it. With regard to our 4 year-old son, she says, "children do okay in divorce as long as they know they are loved by both parents."

Keep in mind that she has another son by a previous marriage who seems to have a chip on his shoulder and hates the world. Been arrested three times this year alone for vandalism, etc., and is only 17.

Thanks, Lost. What is your situation like now?

Hiker, do you have good solid evidence of the affair that you can show her to prove you know without giving away your source? Who else has been informed about her affair?

Wow Hiker - none so blind as those who will not see. Of course her 17yo's problems have nothing to do with her first divorce. Wow it's foggy tonight.

I have good solid evidence. I have e-mails, recorded telephone conversations, phone records, credit card bills, etc.

I haven't revealed to her that I have the e-mails or the telephone conversations or she will change her secret e-mail address and be more careful on the phone.

Her mother and stepfather have been informed. Her mother supports her "search for passion and romance." (The mother is on her third marriage.) The stepfather sits on the sideline silently.

Our daycare babysitter knows and is heartbroken, having thought we were the ideal couple.

All of my family knows, but they have little contact with my wife because they live far away.

One of the more fascinating aspects of this situation is watching her explode with anger last night over me talking to the OM, and yet today I sent her an informative e-mail about an event that happened at work this morning and she replied in a fashion that makes it seem like last night never happened.

Hiker, what is the purpose of collecting all this evidence if you arent going to use it to prove she is having an affair? She is wasting your time dickering about whether it even IS AN affair while you have the evidence in your hands all along. I think you let her know that you have evidence of an affair without giving up your source. Can you do that?

How can you best move this debate BEYOND if it is an affair or not? That is a waste of time. Especially when you know it is an affair and are holding the evidence.

Can you put a keylogger on her computer and THEN tell her you know about the emails?

Who do I need to prove it to? She admits it.