I'm new here have read posts for about a year now and finally got up the courage to post my situation.

I have been married to my h for 20 yrs now. We married when we were 17 we are the same age. We had a dd at 16yr. I had some trust issues with him after about 3yrs of marriage. He cheated on me then...I found letters he had wrote to the OW. He admitted the affair after caught. We decided to work on our marriage. I had a really hard time trusting after this happened.
I found out I was pregnant with twins. Everything seemed alright during this time even though it was still very hard for me to let go of the affair and fully trust him again.
During our marriage he has cheated on me over 10x's that I have confirmed. He has always said it would be the last time...never again would he do this to me. He had some major surgery's and I was there for him and took care of him and loved him with all my heart. Not only have I taken care of him but I have also taken care of our children for the most part by myself and his family. Every additional affair has made my heart harden to it. It almost feels like I'm just numb sometimes. After his surgery he became addicted to pain pills. I had to go through the constint withdrawl from the pills along with the hateful additude towards our girls and I. Finally got him off the pain meds and thought we would finally find the light at the end of the tunnel. I was wrong...he got off the pain meds. and started taking ephedrine...he couldn't rememeber anything half of the time and was always hateful. He told me had quit taking them and then one day I found out he was doing meth. He told me he would not do that again...didn't understand why he had hurt me so bad. Our girls didn't know half of what was going on. I tried to shelter them.
It seems with each affair I would wait for big changes...it just wouldn't be the changes I was hoping for. I have been faithful to my husband the entire time I was with him. He said the reason he would have the affairs was because I didn't trust him so he might as well do it if he was going to be accused of it anyway.
The last affair was about 6 mon ago...1 week after I found out about the meth. I admit I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I worked on that but he would always start going thru the same pattern he had with the affairs. I don't know if he is faithful right now...he says he is but after everything I have gone thru with him I just don't know if I'm having a hard time letting go or if there is something going or if the affair even ended. He works midnights...12hr shifts as a police officer so he has plenty of time while he is on duty to do whatever he pleases. He told me he was saved about 2 yrs ago and did start going to church with me and we were baptized together. But he started to drift away from the church last summer and I found out about the affair in Dec. Not sure what to do...I have always said that I would try to save our marriage no matter what. I just don't think it can be saved anymore. I pray for the Lord to give me some answers...I have always turned to the Lord for answers and always felt my prayers were answered. This time I'm not sure what to do....Sorry so long. Do I stay and pray it doesn't happen again or shame on me for letting it happen as many times as it has?

Lost, you paint a picture that is extraordinarily difficult for anyone to react to. Ten known adulteries in twenty years would seem to be enough to put paid to any marriage. You're still there, suffering more with each new woman he has, with each new drug of choice, and you ask us if you should stay for more or whether you should leave him. It's not a question any of us can answer. You have to tell us whether you will go or stay and we'll try to support your decision.

I will say this. If your husband is a drug addict, there is no chance for MB principles to work. It just doesn't happen. Aside from the drug use, your husband is also a serial cheater. Dr. Harley writes it's incredibly difficult to recover from one adultery. It's almost impossible to recover from a second one and come out with a good marriage. I can't imagine what Dr. Harley's advice would be in an attempted recovery from ten...or more.

Lost, you know in your heart what you should do. You came here hoping to be talked out of it but I can’t even try. Tell us what you want to do, Lost, and we'll work with you to get through it, okay? Be strong, Lost. Things are not going to get better if you do nothing about them.

You are right I know in my gut what needs to be done. Everytime he has cheated it he has always told me it that it has never been physical. Weather I belive that or not I don't know. But I do know that he is more of an emotional needs person than a physical.

He is substance free at this time and has been for about 3 months. I know because he has had random drug tests for work.

I know I have always tried to convience myself that he would change and everytime I have caught him he has always said it he did it because my lack of trust with him....he felt like a prisoner in our house and that was his escape...

I need to figure out the best way to leave with my girls best interest in mind. I love my girls to death but I do hope they will be ok with this. I don't want to have to go into detail with him why we are spliting because I don't want them to hate him. But on the same hand I don't want them to think I have lost it either.

Because I have done a really good job of acting....I have lost myself a long time ago and I really think they think mom and dad are really happy together.

We still go on vacations just the two of us...we have had nights that we go out on dates. I guess I have tried for so long to hold on to something that hasn't been mine in a very long time.

Sorry so long...just thinking out loud.

Thanks for all your support!

When you are put down for so many years you believe you are a bad person....I need to work on my self esteem.

Longhorn is right.

Where drugs are involved, YOUR kids should be a priority. You being married for 20 yrs, I'm assuming your girls are old enough to notice when parents are at a discord no matter how "happy" they try to behave.

Here's something for you to think about:

If you allow your WH to cheat on you as many times as he had in your 20 yr marriage, what examples are you setting for your girls?

1) that it's OK to have their father cheat on their mother just as long as the "family" is intact?
2) that it's OK for a parent to use drugs?

If you answer NO to both, you have some planning to do. Remember, with "praying", God will help those who help themselves. So start helping yourself, DECIDE what YOU want and need (stay or leave). Once you MAKE a decision, it will give you some guidance as to what your next steps will be. And there are a lot of folks here who will guide you.

Good Luck.

lostinlove,

I urge you to contact CoDA, or another organization like narcanon or alanon that address codependency issues. You are a codependent and you need a good support system to help you break out of the toxic cycle you're in. No matter what happens with your marriage....that must happen or your life will not change.

Okay, what he has been doing to you is called "gaslighting," and it's an abusive technique used by, among others, cheaters to deflect attention away from their adultery. Here is a thread to a discussion about gaslighting. I think you'll see your husband and yourself there. Realizing what he's doing is the first step to making this technique ineffective.

Mulan's Gaslighting Thread


I don't know why you're keeping this from your children. Frankly, you probably aren't succeeding in your attempts to do that. My daughter was only 4 when her mother began her infidelity. My daughter brought the things she saw up again in a conversation last year...33 years afterward.

Children see and comprehend, but they understand imperfectly. What probably IS happening with your girls is they are getting bits and pieces which confuse and frustrate them. Don't shield your husband from the consequences of his adulteries. Have a frank discussion with your children so they know, among other things, they are not the cause of any discord between you and WH.

I agree with Longhorn - your girls have very likely seen signs that something is going on, and they are probably carrying a huge stress in their life as a result.

My WxH was "seeing" his OW for 6 months before I found out. I honestly had no idea anything was going on. I felt like he kept it very well hidden. One day he told me that he was leaving, that he had found someone else. That was the first indication I had that anything was wrong.

But afterwards, both of my boys confessed that they suspected something was going on, but they didn’t know what to say or do. It turns out he had an extra cell phone that I did not know about, and whenever he was in the car with the boys, he would use that phone to call his friend "Allen". The boys started wondering why their Dad had to talk to his friend "Allen" so often. But they didn't know what to say or do. They sometimes feel guilty - wondering if they could/should have stopped him.

Also...don't kid yourself about his drug addiction. Just because he has passed a few random tests does not mean he is clean. There are many methods used by drug addicts to pass those tests. One of them literally involves buying, from the Internet, a device - that they strap to their body, which holds someone else’s urine sample. When they go to the bathroom the sample comes from there, not their own bladder. My 18-year-old son told me about this technique recently. He said that some high school athletes use this method to pass urine tests when they are taking steroids. If a high school kid can figure this out - I am 100% certain that your H the cop knows all about it.

A person who has been hooked on pain killers, and struggled to get off of them, does not miraculously give up Meth on their own.

Hang in there. You will most certainly "walk through the valley of the shadow of death" in the coming months. Heck, you have all ready been walking through the dark valley! But keep walking forward. Get out of that dark valley. Surely the Lord will take care of you. Let the Lords grace abound in your life. You deserve much better then you have been getting from your WH. Your girls deserve better. Teach your grils that it is NOT ok for a man to treat a woman like this.

Leave him. He obviously doesn't respect you or your feelings. Leave him. Save yourself and your kids.

He doesn't deserve all that you've given him.

Here is the reality:
1)you want to change him. He has resisted for 20 years.
2)he is emotionally abusive. Longhorn was right about the gaslighting. My xh is/was a champion gaslighter and is doing it NOW to his affair wifey. And passively it is abuse imho to the kids also.
3)he is a substance abuser and has real addiction to that. That is a whole situation in and of itself that would prompt me to move my kids away from somebody like that.
4)Your WH has had numerous multiple affairs which are not only cruel, selfish, and abusive, but he could BRING HOME DEADLY DISEASES and expose them to you...over and over again.

Are you in counseling? The kids? Time to cut bait my dear.

Our Lord is a faithful God. He does not want his precious children trapped in a cycle of abuse or adultery. There is indeed such a creature as A WS WHO DOESN'T CHANGE. I have one. God knew I could no longer carry my WS's burdens for him any more. YOU cannot save the WS. You can always pray for them...but at some point, you must learn how to save yourself. Your daughters are seeing THIS MAN as their male role model...want them someday in a marriage like this? Think about things. Think. YOU cannot solely save somebody else.

Please seek counseling for your kids and for yourself as you make a difficult decision. Praying for you all...praying for a wise decision.

I really appreciate all of your support. This is really the first time I have ever talked to anyone about my life.

I know the Lord has his hand on my shoulder...I know it is time to throw in the towel. I realize I have put up a huge fight and tried to do it all by myself and I have lost myself. It really feels good to come here and read your post and to know there is someone out there praying for us.

I have a long road ahead of me and a long road behind me. I need to pray for the Lord to give me the strength to move forward and stop thinking about everyone else for just a minute and think about myself. I am a very giving person. During this time not only was I taking on everything with my husband but I also take care of his mother and brother who have issues.

I am very very tired...

All advise is greatly appreciated...I need strength......

Allow your children to be your beacon of hope and strength. They're blessed to have you.

Former First Lady, Nancy Reagan was once quoted: "A woman is like a bag of tea. She never knows her strength until she's poured in hot water."

Spiritually, know that God would not hand you what you are not be capable of. HE KNOWS your strength. YOU just don't know it yet. You will be okay. And your girls will appreciate you for it. The rest will fall into place.

GO. Pull yourself together and start paving your new path.
We know it's hard. But it's your turn to give to yourself.

Good luck.