My husband has been talking late nights and text messaging on his cell phone with a married female coworker. They talked almost every night after I go to bed. There was also a 3 hour phone call at 3:00 A.M. from a hotel room when he was on a work trip. He has worked very closely with her for three years. They first started talking on the cell phone at night about 6 months ago. The coworker's husband is having an affair in Iraq and she found emails confirming it. My husband comforted her and begin to share his problems with her also. They have both admitted that they liked and cared for each other and told each other that. He told her how pretty she was and she told him that she had a physical attraction to him. They both told each other how much they loved talking to each other, missed each other, etc. They both promise no physical touching or contact went on, but how can I confirm it? He said she is a close friend, a kindred spirit, someone he could talk to and listened. He loved her flattering.

Also, almost this exact same thing happened three years ago at another job with another woman. I made my husband leave his job that time to avoid the woman who he shared a physical attraction and strong feelings for, which once again he swears was never physical.

I am devastated. We have been married 7 years with one child, age 6. He swears he loves me and has been crying and begging me not to leave him. I can't think straight.

I love him. I want him to love me. Would you consider this an affair? What steps should I take?

Read Spying 101 on the Infidelity GQII board and get the information you need to asses this "friendship". The thread was bumped up today to page one so it should be easy to find. If not, Longhorn has a link in his signature line to it.

Mr. W

I'm sorry to say this, but I think THEY are kidding themselves if they think it won't become physical, if it hasn't already. This is definitely an EA with all the signs of progressing towards a PA if nothing is done. If H wants to stay married to you he needs to STOP talking to this women! Ideally, he needs to leave his job. He needs to tell her it's OVER; that he loves you and doesn't want to put your marriage at risk. Be strong, be firm, don't let this situation continue!

Hugs,

L

Did your WH figure out from his last affair why it happened? What steps did you take to recover from it?

I ask because this isn't just a case of a serial cheater...this is how much did you both learn from the first time?

LA

Daila, they're indulging themselves with an adultery. As Mr.Wondering said, please read the "Spying 101" thread in my signature block if you feel you need more information. I'd also recommend reviewing the one on organizing a marital recovery plan and the one on "Exposure 101." They'll give you an idea of what you're facing and what you can do about it.

It's hard for me to say what he figured out from the first affair.

I don't think he ever really realized that he had done wrong. I think he thinks since it wasn't physical (officially unconfirmed) that he had not done wrong. Even with this affair now, he said he knew he didn't want anything physical, so at the time that is how he justified the affair. I believe that he needs to feel important and hear flattery, so that is what leads him to these affairs. It is always someone that is going through marriage problems or relationship problems that come to him for advice. He likes to give the impression that he has it all together. He manages a restaurant and I think that the type of works he does contributes to the ease of the affair. Though I know that affairs occur in any type of work place. I also think since I am a professional that he has a little bit of problem not feeling as successful as I am. Also, everything we own was either acquired by myself or provided by my family. I can't help that I have successful career. I am always bragging about his culinary skills. I just really feel a little numb about it all. I just want to pretend I don't know about it, so I don't have to fix it. We have talked ALL week and I am just ready to move on, but I don't think he should be let off the hook. Though, he can't leave his job now, and I really don't know any other way.

The steps we took after his first affair were as follows:

I exposed his affair.

He quit his job.

He ended contact with the other woman and all of the people he worked with which was easy since at the time he worked an hour away.

We took off a few days right after the affair to spend more time together. This really isn't anything new, we spend a lot of time together. We do a lot of weekend getaways.

I flattered him more. I tried more.

Yet it still happened again.

This time all I have done is:

Exposed the affair.

Took a trip together to talk and spend time together.

Flatter him more, let him know how happy he makes me.

Well, I was lied to again. Just got revealed that in his first affair it did turn physical. They kissed and made out. I'm sure that in ten years I'll found out that they had sex. Then in another 10 years, I will found out that he had sex with the person in the second affair. I guess if I give him enough time, he will confess to having sex with a lot of people.

The thing is I didn't really need him to confess to being physical in the first affair. I knew they were. I think hearing it makes me feel a little vindicated.

I don't know if I really want to wait another 3 years to feel vindicated again when I finally find out he screwed both girls brains out.

Why should I want to work it out when all I am thinking of is he is such a loser? I guess I answered my own question. Not every marriage is worth saving, even if there is love.

Sorry your going through this, I'm in the same boat as you. I just found out just before Christmas of his first affair which lasted 9 months with someone who worked at the same place. He said she filled a void. I thought everything was fine, but I guess men think they just need more for some reason. Now he is talking to another woman, I have someone where he works send me every email he sends to her. I just let him know in an email tonight, he will read in the morning when he goes to work. They are supposed to meet today. I told him I sure hope she can take him home is he does this. He even said we would do counseling, now isn't that so funny and the whole time talking to another. I have stood beside him through the bad times and even when he was in intensive care. This really makes us look like crap, but I know somewhere inside him is the man I fell in love with. There are no more chances, I can do without pain in my life, I have endured too much already. I hope you can work on your marriage and not give up, remember, all we can do is try and if it doesn't work, then so be it. My prayers are with you and stay strong.