My FWW and I are well on our way to recovery, thanks in big part to our MC.
Lately though, I have been slipping backwards mainly due to May 30 being 2 years since d-day.

I love and trust her much more than I have for a while but when I think about what she did with the other men, I find her disgusting. I don't even want to have SF with her. Not that she smells or anything but the fact that she had sex with other men most of whom she didn't even know.

Has anyone found their FWS disgusting like this? If so, what did you do to overcome that feeling or thought.

push through this

it's a milestone thingy

Pep

I'm going through this right now and it's been almost 1 year since d-day for me. We are not in recovery, however I do get this feeling alot lately.

I hope you get through it.

HTW

When I get those kind of thoughts in my head I try to focus on positive things about my FWW.

Take care

"Has anyone found their FWS disgusting like this?"

I think we all pretty much have at one point. I know I have on more then one occasion.

"If so, what did you do to overcome that feeling or thought."

I try to think that it will only last a little while. Triggers are the worse. Especially if the FWS is not aware of it. May 30th might be burned in your mind but not hers. Her actions are her fault for sure but not specific dates. Look at it this way, May 30th is the date that you both decided to take the first step in trying to save your M.

I feel like I am at a firing range right now. A whole bunch of triggers staring right at me. My FWW is acting like they don't exist. I am not going to let them determine who I am. I am going to keep my head up.

I hate the month of June but what can I do. Maybe I can call someone up who can delete June from the calendar. LOL.

Allow me to share with you the same story I shared with posters "Torn betweteen hate and love" and "FWW Still in Fog After A Year" on Recovery, both who, a year after D-day still struggle w/trigger moments. I described to our MC 4 weeks ago that I could be driving on the freeway or do nothing at all and think about my H having sex w/the OW. These trigger moment cause me to hate and despise my H, and I cringe at the sight of him that I instantly have to snap myself out of it.

Our MC re-enforced it in ONE WORD - "CHOICE". I have the choice to allow THOUGHTS of the OW or the A intrude and AFFECT me. This process has NOTHING to do with "denial". It's a process. Call it technique if you want. But it comes down to 2 choices:

1) I can CHOOSE to allow thoughts of the OW or A affect me and dwell on it OR
2) I can CHOOSE to NOT allow them and LEARN from it.

Choice #1 certainly does NOT bring out warm and fuzzy feelings towards our WS does it?

As tough as it is, it's still a choice we, BS have to do if our personal goal is to heal from it.

Life is a lesson and a boomerang. The A happened. And there's not a whole lot you can do to change it. But it can serve as a CHOICE to allow the A to serve as an opportunity, a life lesson for the BS and WS. You have the opportunity to CHOOSE to learn whatever lesson there is to learn from the affair. If you choose to NOT learn from it, you will eventually learn the same lesson from someone else regardless whether or not you decide to stay married.

Good Luck.

Thanks for the replies.

I do think that it is mainly the triggers and the images that I'm struggling with that cause me to feel that way about her. I am sure that with time, those feelings will go away just like the anger, resentment and all the garbage that's associated with adultery will go away in time. Maybe it will turn from her being disgusting to just what she had done as being disgusting, that part will always be disgusting.

I just thought of something totally off topic.

Has there been a WS/FWS that refers to what they did as adultery rather than affair? I have not incountered that, I think because affair sounds more like a love fantasy gone wrong and adultery reminds them of one of the 10 Commandments or the word adultery just sounds more cruel or mean or just ugly. Even though my FWW was with 7 men, she still refers to it as 'an'(one) affair. Strange.

Isn't it all in the wording. Look in auto trader instead of "beat up piece of junk" they call it a classic fixer upper. LOL.

I think it is a common strategy amongst WS to "MINIMIZE" what they have done. I am sure we could all list tons of reasons for this but it is my belief the main reason is they are trying to avoid the consequences of their actions. My FWW tried to take the whole A and wrap it up into one big mistake. Not a couple hundred little to big mistakes. This makes recovery easier for the FWS.

They don't have to make up for all of those wrongs just one. My FWW has actually said to me "whats the difference if I did it once or 30 times it's still an A"(one big wrong) I think we all know there is a big difference.

Less harm = Less consequences.

Yep, that's what they are --- darn triggers. They just pop up! It's amazing what our minds can do when we get hit with it. Sometimes, these triggerss take a life on their own if we don't snap out of it!

By the sound of successful recovers, such as I, they do get less frequent.

BND...

"I do think that it is mainly the triggers and the images that I'm struggling with that cause me to feel that way about her. I am sure that with time, those feelings will go away"

One of the things I learned was to own my triggers, BND...they were mine. I learned we choose our thoughts...that when we trigger, we have a few seconds to put the thought out of our minds...saying "I don't want that" before our efficient and accommodating brains put the image it handed us with the emotions it stores in another part which go with the image/memory. We train our own brains. Time doesn't heal...we heal ourselves...with choice. Then the anger, resentment (which we created), pain, fear and frustration do not follow that trigger...and the triggers become less as our brain learns we don't WANT those triggers...

This is not brainwashing...it is using the control you have...you know you choose your perspective, beliefs and thoughts...they are yours. Allowing yourself to think about the disgusting images encourages your brain to hand them to you...because you are summoning them...

If you are attempting to figure out why you have recovered your marriage with someone who could do such vile things...then you are asking yourself something entirely different, aren't you?

Now for the rest of your post...

Ahemmmm...incoming FWS...

"Has there been a WS/FWS that refers to what they did as adultery rather than affair?"

I have. Here's why I don't say adulterer as often as A.

See? Hard to type. No kidding. I say it when I speak, not when I type. Adulterous..Adulterer...I'm not sure how to conjugate it into my sentences...Adulteree?

As for your wife...I wouldn't presume. Why not ask?

You did take DJs out of your marriage, right?

HL?

Did you? The reason I ask is because a WS doesn't minimize...WS are not FWS...FWS don't get the F by minimizing. Only by owning. WS avoid consequences...they are in a pretend world and that's possible there...not here. Consequences are...and FWS get those...inside and out; logical as well as natural ones. If they don't, then they don't get the F. Which is a passing grade, not a failing one.

Recovery can be made easier or more difficult...depending on if you're stepping over the crucial step of injecting respect or if you are resuming the pre-A marriage and calling it recovery. Please know that this belief, a huge DJ, does corrode you...not her. If you both are judging the infidelity by quantity, quality, duration, intensity..then who is attempting to package here? To tie it up, weigh it and assess it's devastation...

Devastation is...immense...no measuring. An online EA or a serial cheater, like me...all devastating to the BS. Recovery isn't about judgment...it is about knowing you are two separate people, equal...who are choosing to love and learn from what they did, owning what is theirs...and not trampling on what isn't.

HL...no FWS can make up that wrong. Can't be done. Ever. Devastation remains...where you put it...in the past, the present or your future, matters. Your choice. Ownership isn't blame...making faultlines kills marriages, even those without adultery.

SGL wrote a wonderful post...apply it in all ways...choice matters. You matter. Know what kind of marriage you really want and build it...disgust is a feeling direct from judgment...you have to measure someone else against yourself to get it...same with resentment...you have to expect someone else to meet your own expectation...and the poison is only in you...not them...

We are humans in human marriages.

Triggers aren't just in infidelity, my DH and me have discovered. We trigger to childhood through smells and tastes...certain afternoons or a drive toward the mountains. We trigger to children's laughter at the store, and the sound a bicycle with training wheels make...

We trigger to summer breezes and fans on hot nights...we trigger to our first date and funny/sad movies...and we relish these triggers and share them with each other.

By choice.

LA

Sorry for the late reply, I've been off for a little while filling in for the engineering supervisor which by the way whose position I'm thinking of taking within the next few weeks. Not bad for a 26 year old I guess. (just had to brag a bit)

Anyways,

LA, it makes sence what you say about mind control, I have noticed too that if I tell myself I don't want to think about it, it makes it easier because it stops before feelings get involved.

I guess they are just like those annoying popup adds on the internet, if you get too many of them it just gets on your nerves, if you do something about them, you can have a better internet surfing experience without the headache.

Loving,

I agree.
"HL...no FWS can make up that wrong."
I guess I was heaping all FWS in one bucket which is wrong. I should have said unremorseful FWS. I do appologize for that.

I think for me the truth about the situation can help determine why it happened.

Again in my personal experience I have found this to be true. When the truth came out I realized that she was not just trying to justify her behavior but there were other consequences tied to her spending so much time with him.
Not from me but consequences for her future actions.

Hey, you young, ambitious pup (BND)...congratulations on taking on responsibility and being up to it...good luck in the next few weeks, too...

There's your dose of admiration...and you were informing, not bragging...don't be too busy not to read that, 'k?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

HL...

I don't do groups or statistics...I can't see a universal truth in anything that happens...only in human design.

FWS, deeply remorseful or not, cannot make up what they did...it exists, and if you choose, in the past. They cannot undo...and accepting what happened, that it did happen and cannot be undone, is a crucial step in recovery for both the FWS and the BS.

What they can do is to erase it from the future and the present...not by putting it aside, but by owning it was their choice...no force on earth can make them do it without their choice...and to know that fully, then there is no chance of infidelity in the present or future, unless they consciously choose it...

It doesn't undo the past, just changes everything today and tomorrow.

And yes to receiving all the consequences...they continue...even after rebuilding, owning and knowing...they come. Not punishment...natural consequences. Keeps me introspective and aware...I do not allow them to overwhelm me nor be ignored. They are. I am. My marriage is...and I will honor it no matter what I feel at any given moment...

Because I know I choose to honor...which honors me, too.

Where's your payoff in judging your WW? You are way into no contact, correct? Has it been three years for you?

LA

"What they can do is to erase it from the future and the present...not by putting it aside, but by owning it was their choice"

Thank you. I agree with that and you just put it into words for me. I think that is what I have been feeling without being able to express it.

I am not judging her. It has been three years without her "owning it".

"And yes to receiving all the consequences...they continue...even after rebuilding, owning and knowing...they come. Not punishment...natural consequences"

This is exactly what I am saying. Trust me I am not trying to punish what so ever. She won't even own the natural consequences of what have happened.

My Wife and I have been going back and forth for three years just to get radical honesty. The reason I insisted on it is because of how she carried herself. She did it in open view of everyone, including my children. Even when I wasn't looking for details they would eventually come to light. Over a year and a half after D Day my kids let something slip. I told her I was tired of getting punched in the stomach please just tell me everything, no gory details so this stops happening.

Guess what she kept letting me get punched up until 3-4 weeks ago. To me that is avoiding consequences and now the natural consequences that may have come up in light of the truth have been avoided.

In addition she has acted in ways that have not erased it from the present and future. Still some of the underlying problems not addressed because of the dishonesty.

Hard to put something in the past when your FWW refuses to help you put it where it belongs. BTW what she told me a few weeks ago were some pretty big things.

I do not believe I should have accepted anything less then radical honesty before I agreed to put it in the past.

"Has anyone found their FWS disgusting like this?"

Yep, Yes, definately, sure, ya, of course....

I can relate. the idea of the situation is revolting. I like some of the responses you got but was interested in finding out if you could focus on the things that she is doing to make you feel, "I love and trust her much more than I have for a while.." When these thoughts come to mind, can you think of things that she has done to make you feel loved and trusting?

good luck!