"We are least prepared for what we expect."

I have no idea who said that, but boy oh boy is it true.

Been in recovery for a little over 3 months now. Last Sat. a.m., my H and two kids went to a local diner for breakfast. We walked in, I spotted OM, told my H, "we have to go," he followed my eyes and saw OM. We calmly left the building.

Calm is not what followed, however. I want to try to explain what happened to me and my H, so that hopefully those who haven't run into the OM or OW yet, might find value in our experience, so you can better prepare yourselves for your first "sighting." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

He was sitting in a booth right next to another woman. That's right folks, laughing and chatting away with his arm around her shoulders. It's been 3 months since d-day, gee, I think he's really missing me and is suffering horribly - NOT!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Anger. Hurt. Embarrassment. Betrayl (I'll explain that one in a minute). Profound sadness. These are the only emotions I can put names to, but I know there were more.

After my H and I got through breakfast with our kids (at another restaurant, obviously!), we went for a long walk. It was very difficult to explain to him what I was feeling, because I'm not sure I understood it myself at the time. I've had a couple days to sort through it now, and believe I know what occured during our brief encounter with OM.

Shock. That's the first thing that went through me. Denial was the second thing, I just couldn't believe he was in my little tiny town having breakfast. Betrayl. Does that sound weird or what?! He is not my boyfriend or my H. He has ruined my life. Now please someone tell me, why the he11 would I feel betrayed?! I believe it has something to do with pride. I've never thought of myself as someone who has a lot of pride. But when I saw him sitting there with another woman, so soon after our break-up, I felt like Babe the Blue Ox just took a mamoth crap on me. I know my love for him was fantasy, but for a while, it was VERY real to me. It is clear to me now, he never loved me at all. He used me like a doormat. His smooth talk, gushes of affection and ILY's, all fake. In a matter of seconds, everything he ever said to me came back to haunt me. He KNEW exactly what to say to keep me addicted to him. ******.

As I'm trying my hardest to eat my breakfast, I'm watching my kids and thinking, OMG, look at those precious jewels. I almost left them for a fantasy. I feel my H rubbing my leg, holding me close, and think, OMG, how could I have done this to such an awesome man?!

I spent the rest of the day cycling these emotions. Every time ending up in the lowest, sadest place I've ever been. Feeling absolutely worthless. Not suicidal, but wanting to leave the face of this earth so that I am sure I will never inflict this incredible pain on any one else, ever.

My H and I talked more about it later in the day. I finally saw through my own pain and asked how he was handling the whole thing. He said he was glad he was there when it happened. Imagine, being GLAD to be by my side while the biggest trigger imaginable is right in front of you. Wow. He said his adrenaline was pumping harder than he thought it would, but other than that he didn't feel too much because he has no respect for the man. My H also believes the OM took great advantage of me and the sitch I was in. We both know this isn't an excuse for my A, but the more I face reality, and recall the fantasy, the clearer this becomes.

Thanks for listening. Like a journal, this forum helps in so many ways, even if it is just to reiterate our lessons learned. Since everyone's sitch is so different, maybe our experience will never benefit any one here. But if you take one thing out of this experience, let it be that if/when this happens to you, take it as an opportunity to GROW in your recovery, NOT be a setback.

Now I truely understand why NC is so crucial.

Here's to better days,

KJ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope my wife can even reach the point you're at right now; I would welcome it.

That's my prayer for every FWS and BS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

KJ

Thank you for sharing that.

Good luck and blessing on your continued journey to recovery.

what a blessing this encounter was for you !

your eyes are fully open !

Pep

But not without your help Kari Jean...I think that you recognize that, just wanted to make sure though... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You seem to be workin' this thing like a pro chica!!! Good for the two of you!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Kari

I so know how you are feeling. ex-OM in my case was serial cheater...and towards the end of our affair, when I was looking to end it and got caught - he was talking to another woman openly...it bothered me.

You see - in alot of FWW's cases - the affair is also tied into having the world revolve around you. The knowing he fell for you, you had HIM wrapped too...and this is just proof it's not that way.

I want to tell you a little secret here. Some days I hate my ex-OM , otherdays I am indifferent...it's been 18 months and I hope to never see or hear again. BUT deep down, I hate the idea of him hating me or thinking bad things about me like I do him. I want to be the love of his life like he said I was..and as sick as that sounds - it has nothing to do with how I feel about him. I want nothing to do with that man - NOTHING. And I HOPE he wants nothing to do with me...but I hope he remembers me fondly.

Now whether this is to make me feel better, or whether maybe I am still Fudged up in some areas - not sure...but just like every ex-boyfriend i had, and even my husband...I can't bear them thinking poorly of me, and same goes with ex-OM.

And so before the affair ended - him being with someone else - I THINK bothered me cause it meant I wasn't all he said I was after all...

It's why I hope I have protected myself, learned enough about my boundaries, etc to not end up like KiwiJ did...as the temptation to see if they are still pining away (NOT TO REKINDLE A RELATIONSHIP) but to see how they feel about you - is so tempting that it could break NC...and then you are screwed! I hope and pray everyday - ALL the changes I have done - the owning my own villagers (as LA puts it), the coming out of co-dependency - the better coping skills - all prevents me from having to validate those wonders....

dorry,

I know what you mean about not wanting the OM to hate you. I also get the part where you hope the OM remembers you fondly. And lastly, I get the part about how you feel either nothing or anger toward the OM. What I don't understand, is why we waste any energy at all on having ANY kind of feelings toward the OM. I can get myself so angry sometimes, I want to go see OM and really give him a piece of my mind, tell him how badly he's f'd up my life. Of course, I know this would do nothing but set me back and hurt my H yet again, so I never will. It just gets me upset that I even have to have thoughts such as this.

We will need to protect ourselves for the rest of our lives. Thank God we have the skills to do this now. Thank God we have our H's to help us. Thank God we have a second chance.

KJ

P.S.
I think your secret is out!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. Lenny Wondering,



I assure you, I know this all too well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for the post, always nice to hear from you.

KJ

LOL ya ya ya - dorry learned along time ago nothing's secret here.

In all actuality - I feel it's all tied up in my own struggles to be accepted - to feed off highs and lows...everyday less and less I care what he thinks of me. In fact just recently - I thought of OM, and hoped he wasn't thinking of me...hoped he had let go.

I am getting to the point more and more of indifference. Spent a few months in withdrawel, protecting him...then about a year loathing and hating him...and I still have some of those days...but indifference takes up most of my days - like I really dont care...

I hope for more and more of those

You crack me up...But I done did tell ya that it's Mrs. Virgil Boyt Lenny Wendell Wondering ya big ole STOOPID...GEEZ!

And I was pretty sure that you were "owning it"...But ya know, just one STOOPID looking out for another, Um Duh, Dum, Der, I dunnoooo... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

How bout AINT_NO_HO_NO_MO? Kinda long, but hilarious to my warped mind, nonetheless...We could just take out the spaces...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

kari jean-
I have a question- what made you decide to go back to your husband and stop the affair and how long was the affair?
Just wondering....

hmm. this stoopid talk belongs on another thread. LOL

dorry horey,

LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I crack me up.

Indifference is what I'm looking for too. I'm thinking time has a lot to do with it, don't ya think?! No, I mean seriously, do you EVER think?!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Sorry, feeling really punchy tonite.

Take care ya'll!!

KJ

Mrs. VBLWW,

GEEZE, would ya back off for one gosh darn day?!



LOVE IT. Just so I'm clear then, it would be AINTNOHONOMO?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> YES!! I finally have my own name!! WAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I'm SOMEBODY!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Tanks W,

KJ

winterkisses (love that name!),

My children made me stop my A and return to my H. My A lasted approx. 4 months. Now I stay for my children AND my H.

Blessings,

KJ

No doubt. Let's get back to that stoopid thread once in a while, shall we?! Come, hold my hand, and off we go!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

KJ

I think you have me confused for another BLONDe on this board <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hey NOMOHO...er are ya HONOMO? Which one am I? Um, does it surprise you that I don't remember? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Anyway, I resemble that remark!!!

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I don't understand why it is so important for the op to think of you the FWS as being wonderful.

I certainly hope this was or is not the case for my FWH. It would totally break my heart.

I can't wrap my little brain around that.

What happened was wrong. The A is wrong and everything that goes along with it.

I would feel so terribly bad as a FBS if this is how my FWS wanted his/her op to feel. It is my worst nightmare. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I guess I just don't get it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M