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Joined: Apr 2006
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Hi everyone! I'm the newbie who has posted several times before regarding my experiences in marriage and divorce with an addict husband. Well, it's come full circle. My ex and I have been divorced for over 2 years - he is an addict who was really going downhill quickly - and I was heartbroken watching him waste his life. I also felt hate and anger that never seemed to end because his failures in life have cost me plenty, both in money, and in my abilities to move on after this divorce - I carry the scars forever. OK - so now that I've given you a bit of history - the other shoe dropped on Saturday. After almost 8 months of no contact, I got "the call" - the ex is in jail, and was in a panic, desperately begging me to come and get him out. He told me "I have no one else to call" and "if I stay in jail I'll kill myself" and "please do an act of kindness for me, I'm all alone" along with lots and lots of other things that of course raised the guilt level in me to overflowing. Long story short - I did NOT bail him out - I called his family out of state and told them the situation, and spent the rest of the weekend miserable and crying. I've finally (after all this time) found myself a Newcomer's meeting on Wednesday night at a local Al-Anon chapter. I have GOT to learn to detach - and I have to learn to let go..........


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I think you’re well on your way. You didn’t bail him out even though he put you on a guilt trip. That’s huge in my book.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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I always look for your posts and yet dread them at the same time. Our stories are just so similar that it scares me.

I have had only a brief 20 minute conversation over coffee with my STBXH in the last 4 months. He too is an addict who I thought had been in recovery for the last 10 of our 15 years together. I have been so naive that I did not even realize he was using again until after he left. Now I wait for that other shoe to drop as well, knowing that it will someday - and knowing that I am no more capable of detaching than you accuse yourself of. I will no longer rescue him from himself, and know I can never go back, but there just does not seem to be any escape from the grief an addict causes. I have taken the necessary steps to protect myself, although it may take years to become divorced, but I just can;t seem to shake the sadness.

I have been attending naranon for years now, and hope it helps you as much as it did me.


BW 47 WH 48 D-day 6/28/05 Divorcing 2/06
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one day at a time

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Oh TwoBlue - It makes my heart so heavy to read the posts from women (and men of course) that have to live through addiction of a spouse.....it's a pain that I simply cannot describe. I was (or still am, I guess) a classic enabler, by me "taking care" of my addict spouse, I actually made it worse for him to cope and take responsibility for himself once I did remove myself from the relationship. I have posted this before (and I'm hoping that Al-Anon or Narcanon will help me get through this) but I have a never ending cloud of guilt hanging over my head, feeling (but at the same time knowing that it's not true) that I am somewhat responsible. And yes, it's been over 2 years since the divorce, but even after divorce I found myself sweeping up the messes that my Ex-H left for me in his wake. So, I guess I never really got the chance to detach totally. Now's the time, because I waited for "the call" since my divorce, the call that either told me he was either in jail, homeless, or dead. Jail, in a wierd way, is the best option of the three. I'm absolutely furious though at him telling me he's going to kill himself the minute he gets a chance, because while my rational mind understands that there is not a damn thing I can do about his decision, my emotional mind will live with that forever. I couldn't agree with you more though, the sadness is something that just simply does not go away. I'm really looking forward to the meeting on Wednesday night, because I simply cannot live like this anymore - I have to learn to not allow his disease to control my life any longer! I cannot believe that I didn't get help years earlier, I probably could have saved myself some heartache. TwoBlue, I hope and pray that you and I (and everyone else) finds peace...


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{{{THtB}}} Both your story and twoblue's are similar to mine. The truth is that alcoholics and addicts follow a very similar path so their stories, and the stories of those of who love(d) them, are very similar, too. I've also benefitted greatly from Al-Anon.

I thought my XH was sober for years, too. Now I really don't know, and probably never will! He left 5 1/2 years ago with MOW. I tried for 1 1/2 years to save him despite his totally unacceptable behavior and, like you, it cost me a lot both financially and emotionally. I finally ended contact about 4 years ago and have been trying since then to get divorced. It was final last month but we still don't have a property settlement because XH didn't show up in court and his lawyer got a continuance. The chaos in his life has continued and it continues to affect me, too, even though we have no contact.

Over the past few weeks, his lawyer has called mine to ask if we could change the date of separation to a year later - the date when I ended all contact. This would give him a 10 year marriage and a better chance of getting spousal support. I, of course, said no, she'd have to schedule a hearing on that. Next she called to say XH was in rehab, then that he was sober and being so nice, then he had a brain tumor and wanted to meet with me privately to make amends, and last Friday she called to say that she has a hearing scheduled for less than 2 weeks before our property settlement hearing to request the judge to allow her to get off the case... she's been his lawyer for 5 years and now she wants to quit 2 weeks before it might be settled for good!

I refuse to say it will never really be over, but ending it certainly is difficult!


FBS, D'day 12/00 * NC since 5/02 * divorce final 5/06 * property settlement 9/06 What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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I can truly relate to all the posts on this thread because I am the betrayed spouse of an addict who has spent the majority of the last twenty years of his life in and out of jail/rehab. We are separated after nearly thirty years of marriage and I shall be filing divorce papers soon.

He left me and our family so that he can live with his crack ****** OW. I've finally learned how not to enable his behavior and he didn't like it.....so he left. Together, he and she can do up the town....until one of them burns out. Unfortunately, he doesn't have many more lives to burn. This is his burden alone. Yet, he'll be calling me or his parents (as usual) when the crap hits the fan. He'll surely be surprised when he finds out that I'm no longer in his corner....I'm moving on a bit more each and every day. And it feels wonderful!

I still love this man but I'm beginning to love myself more because I deserve better and I'm damned well going to get it for once in my life!

I recommend Alanon and NarAnon for anyone who is dealing with addiction within their family. I plan on attending the next NarAnon meeting in my area this Thursday. Meetings always assist in re-enforcing my feelings of courage to help myself overcome my codependent habits.


Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!
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Twoblue and others,
You will get through this and see the other side.
Codependency likely kept you in the M, and learning more about it can help you break through to your new life. There are some great books by Melodie Beattie on Codependency and codependency No More. When I couldn't read any more, I began listening to books on tape. My local library had these books and they helped immensely.
Continue counseling and the -anons as they will get you through.

Stay strong, for yourself and your families.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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Good morning! You all have been soooo supportive (which means more to me than you will ever know)and I love you all for it! I thought I would give ya'all an update on the situation. I spent a total of two hours last night on the phone with my Ex-husband's two sisters, and we laughed and cried, and they really and truly helped me to find my strength again, and encouraged me to get into counselling. They confessed to me that they both have been in therapy for years to get help dealing with their brother, the addict. I learned a lot last night - they also both confessed that when my ex and I first separated, they both blamed me for his addiction problems - because it was easy to blame the ex-wife. In the two years since our divorce, and the numerous times that they have bailed him out of his problems, and the numerous times they've sent him $$ to help him with his problems (which only made them worse, he spent it all on dope) they finally realized that I was telling them the truth when I tried to explain his addictions. They all live out of state, so they did not have first hand knowledge of the severity of his problem - they only had me to rely on. While I was a bit hurt that at the beginning they didn't believe me, I totally understood. Their loyalty was with their brother, their family. His oldest sister found out that as a result of this last arrest (I learned of so many more arrests since our divorce that I had not known of) and his failure to appear at any probation meetings, drug tests, etc. that it's pretty much a certainty that he will spend at a minimum 18 months in the county jail. He had a court hearing this morning, and his sisters said that they will send me an email with the outcome, because we all agreed that for my own sanity, I will not make any attempts to get any information (part of the detachment process). We all agreed that this might just be his bottom, and he will either turn his life around or he will give up. I personally think that he's not strong enough to turn his life around, but I hope I'm wrong. Nonetheless, if he does get locked up for 18 months, I can be selfish and say that at least I get some time to get into counselling and Al-Anon so that I can learn how to deal with all of this. I'm feeling a lot stronger today - the guilt that overwhelmed me this weekend has been replaced by sadness for him - sadness that he really and truly wasted his life. Thanks everyone again for your support and kind words - and please know that I think of you all - as we have a kinship of sorts.


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It sounds like you received the affirmation you needed from his family, and the help to move on. Wow, that's alot to handle, and you will be fine.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*

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