I will try not to make this long winded, A month ago my wife lied to me about going away for the weekend, She came back and told me she didnt think we could be married anymore because we are different people. Well come to find out she was with another man, she said nothing happened, well she continued to talk to him and see him. Then she left. She repeatedly denied having an affair with even all the evidence I said I knew. Well its has been a month and nothing new has happened except today she finally admitted it. She says she wants complete seperation to figure things out because its not about him, its about her finding herself. I know they still talk and she stays with him. I try to be supportive but do I expose her to her family or risk losing her forever, I dont know what to do, i told her that if the seperation was to be with him I couldnt do that. But we havent lived together for a month, so in her mind is she already seperated? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

Do you want truth in your life instead of lies, JJ? Do you want reality or to participate in their fantasy?

Exposure is sharing truth...you didn't have to wait for her to confirm what you knew...she lies. She is a wayward wife (WW)...and lost in a fog of fantasy.

Support her with true love...expose to everyone the truth...as long as you don't, you are supporting and aiding her affair...which is toxic to HER, you, your marriage and children (if you have any).

Read up on Plan A...loving authentically, not reactively...and know you can save your marriage. Expose today. Now. Ask your family, her family for help in saving your marriage...if that's what you desire.

Find out all about OM (other man) and expose to his family, and if he's married, his wife (OMW) as soon as possible.

You are married. Separated is married. Many of us have been in your shoes...you can do this.

You are not alone.

LA

James, all that is code for "I want you to leave me alone so I can have my adultery without interference."

They are words MB folks have heard a zillion times. They don't change much from one cheater to the next. Your wife is committing adultery.

There are three threads linked in my signature block. Please take a look at all three. The one on organizing a marital recovery will help you evaluate what you're facing and give you an overview of how to plan a strategy to kill her adultery. "Spying 101" may give you some pointers on how to organize a strong intelligence gathering operation to find out what all is going on. "Exposure 101" will help you determine how to use that tool.

Get busy, James. There's a lot of work to do.

She could find herself at a women's Bible study retreat. That's a moral way to find yourself. Or she could move out and lie and have a getaway with an OM.

She is definitely cheating and wants cake now dearie.

Check out Longhorn's links. Gather recon and ready for exposure!

I'm so confused and dont know what to believe or not believe any more,

You get to choose what you believe, JJ...study and know to grow. You can do this...you're in shock...what you believed would not happen, happened...what you thought you'd do, you're not doing...you have choices...a lot of choices, and power...

Read through and listen...then listen more closely to yourself...know your wants, needs and desires...

It is very much like your wife has been abducted by aliens...that is what the fog is like...the lies, the betrayal and the really hurtful choices...aren't about you...they are all about her...know this...Adultery is like a drug...addicted to the high, not real, all fantasy...

In the end, though it isn't about you, there is so much to grow on in this for you...your choice.

LA

I believe that she isnt with this person anymore, she still emails him and I found a new email that she is talking to a guy whom she left me for before we got married and got back together, I have no clue what is going on. I read some of her blogs on her myspace page and they dont make any sense. The more I found out the more hate builds up inside how could I have married someone so callous?

JJ,

You have learned some important stuff...that humans make self-destructive choices...they have patterns to their reactions and perspectives...she is using fantasy...which are in the form of men...to meet her ENs...of attention, conversation, admiration, appreciation...lots of stuff...and this isn't about you at all...fantasy doesn't make sense.

You are so brief, I don't know how to help you. Your ages, how long married, any children...this information will not prejudice people here...you're human and you'll be respected. If you really want to learn how humans are...and know this is in no way a reflection on you, then please give us more information.

How long have you been with your wife? What might have precipitated (a crisis, a death, a trigger maybe from lack of communication, distance or intimacy) this? Maybe two months ago...or three? Has she had mostly male friends...did she often look up men from her past?

Is it hate or anger inside of you, building, boiling? You chose to believe her when she said she wanted to find herself...you didn't know that line means find herself reflected through someone else because (maybe) you saw her too clearly...you have history with her these other men do not...even the one before you...because you've been with her now...you're not a clean slate...these others and the unknowns she might be thinking of on her myspace are...she can pretend to be anybody to them and be believed...you know her...

And you judge her calloused...because she is only thinking of herself and not how she's crushing pain into you...you've been betrayed and this is what it feels like...

Affairs don't make sense...they are devastating shortcuts to illusion...not real...not a solution...they don't make sense...and affairs are when anyone outside of a two-party marriage comes into the marriage...

You are searching her for remnants of the woman you love...like trying to find your wife in an alien form...traces of her...you won't do it by logic, deduction or evidence...you have to go on faith...know this truly is an addiction...

You do not have to save your marriage...you are the BS and have the right to divorce...I'm asking you to consider learning all you can now, about you, so that you will understand how relationships work...and I know this would be amazingly difficult to comprehend right now...but choosing to believe there are right people and wrong people leads to this being re-enacted in your life, over and over again.

No one recognizes their child when she's on drugs...in truth, the child remains in there...overshadowed by a long, hateful list of harmful choices.

LA

I'm 30, she is 27, we have no children and have dated off and on for 11 years, we have been married for 2 years now, I felt the distance in the beginning of April and asked her about and she said that she was just stressed from work, she did address to me before that she felt we were growing apart and I sort of brushed her off because it was late and I was tired, I don't know how to stop enabling her because we dont stay in the same house and her emails are clean and no more phone calls from him show up on the bill, but I see them on myspace at the same time and I have a feeling they are iming each other thru that.

11 years off and on...yeah, you got history...

Thank you for responding.

Where is she living?

Did you expose her affair to everyone?

How are you doing? Have you been reading the articles here on this website?

I hear you regret brushing off her statement about growing apart...I get you're angry about her lying as much as betraying...did you both put a high priority on being honest with each other?

LA

I have exposed her to all my family, but not her friends because that is exactly what they are her friends, I'm trying to implement plan a but every time I see her, I feel angry and disgusted at her.

Did you expose to her family? This isn't about strategy, I believe...it is about truth...so, yes, telling her friends matters...don't pre-judge others...you might be surprised...real friends do not aid someone in harming themselves or others....

You feel angry and disgusted...these are your feelings. I remember those...I had to change my perspective...get it straight in my head that I had a part in our marriage...exactly half...and I wanted to atone for that half...

First, I had to see my WH as new...not someone I'd assumed about and mindread for years.

LA

I feel like issuing an ultimatum because this is crap why am I working so hard to save something that someone does not clearly want to be in.

I dont know how to stop thinking about committing love busters because all I want to do is tell her she just threw away the greatest thing in her life and leave her with nothing

How do you show love to someone who obviously is showing by their actions that they don't love you

"I feel like issuing an ultimatum because this is crap why am I working so hard to save something that someone does not clearly want to be in."

You are choosing to save your marriage because you believe in it...not dependent on what your spouse believes or does not believe...you choose your actions from you, not others. Unless you want to be a slave to others' thoughts, feelings and beliefs...so you can blame, resent and judge them for your own payoff...and I don't think you want to choose to love that way, JJ.

"I dont know how to stop thinking about committing love busters because all I want to do is tell her she just threw away the greatest thing in her life and leave her with nothing"

You want to hurt back...this is human, normal. You're feeling great pain, exclusion, even being erased...tossed aside...and you are not, in fact...because her actions and choices have nothing to do with you--they have everything to do with her escaping reality and pursuing fantasy.

If you believe she has thrown you away, why do you say you want to save your marriage? Would you believe she threw you away if she was addicted to meth? Alcohol? Coke? How about a sport...where she puts anything before her marriage...would that be her throwing you away by choice?

"How do you show love to someone who obviously is showing by their actions that they don't love you"

I did it by owning I choose to love...whether I feel loved or not...I show it because I love...love is a choice, and you choose to perform acts of love...not dependent on return...like for a loved one in a coma...who can't earn it...doesn't change your love...they may be in a coma because they put themselves into diabetic shock...they may have purposefully taken pills...yet, you love them, anyway.

Humans get lost...BS's have to be the lighthouse...if they want their marriage. If they want a new, thriving marriage instead of the old one...

If they do not, no one can hold them at fault...because they were betrayed.

You were betrayed. Totally up to you what you want to do with that. Plan A ensures either the affair ends and you get your wife back, not your alien one...so you can rebuild a wonderful marriage...or you can walk away knowing you did all you could and why...your choice. Not dependent on WW...because she isn't herself now...that's why they call it the fog.

LA

jjames30,

If you haven't already, and if I were you, I would immediately purchase the books "Surviving an Affair" and "Love Busters."

They will help you with ideas on both how to stop committing love busters and how to show love even if your spouse "does not want you too" right now.

I would start there, and then after you have "mastered" those elements you can follow up with "His Needs, Her Needs" for further reinforcement on how to meet her most important emotional needs.

Keep in mind, ulimatums are rarely useful in helping to rebuild marriages - they usually have the opposite effect. This is because they are, in effect, love busters (ie - selfish demands). Demands are never good in a marriage. Ever.

You are very new into this right now, and very vulnerable to your feelings and emotions. Education will give you power and strength. These books will give you more insight on all of this, and they will help you find your way.

All the best,

-HD

I just purchased the books, and anxiously waiting their arrival, i understand i need blue prints to build a house, just as i need a plan to restore my marriage, I choose my feelings and no one controls them, i never thought i would find such help here

Your choice to be here and post says a lot, JJ...

To me, says that you want to understand, learn and grow. You don't want to blame or be blamed...and from the brevity of your posts I infer you have difficulty in saying what you don't know, from fear.

You're not alone. People here have been in your shoes, know your pain, frustration, anger, fear...and see your love.

You are equal to everyone. You have the same power and limits. You're not wrong or defective. What you learn now can change the course of your entire life. That's what living does. That's what asking for what you need does.

Thank you for being here.

LA

I talked to her last night and she said that she couldnt begin to tell me how sorry she was or now how to apologize, and that she should have never been friends with him and that she needs to mature. She wants to be in a state where she doesnt want to do things rather than she can't do these because she is married like have friendships with other people. And she wasnt willing to compromise at this time. I said well then lets get a divorce and she said I'm still here, I just need to figure things out. However I logged into her myspace account and found an email to him, about how he made her cry and she thought she could move in with him even if things didnt work out between the two of them. And that she doesnt understand why he says things and pushes her away and that she wishes she could take all the bad feelings out of their relationship, and the he made her feel so good and thanks god for it and would never have it any other way, She thanks god for her committing adultery? What a load of crap, I don't know how to bust her on this email, and tell her that I know she wants to be with him, or is their affair dying and I shouldn't do anything to prevent it.