Make sure you schedule that conversation with your wife AFTER your appointment with Steve! He'll help you on what to say and how to create a "safe" environment for your wife to talk honestly with you, etc...

Okay? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-HD

I'm definitely planning on having the session with steve before my meeting with her.

Good Man!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just seems like this is never going to end or if it does not in what I want. I almost feel like throwing in the towel, but I know that will solve nothing. I'm so willing to learn why things happened and how to make them better, but I can not control someone elses feelings.

You are very new into this James...

I'm not going to sugar-coat this for you...

You're in for a long road.

It was six years ago that my wife had her affair. We are now recovered and have a marriage that is stronger and better than ever before.

But it takes time...and a lot of HARD WORK.

If it's done right, you CAN recover and have an even stronger marriage than you ever imagined.

But...

I'm not kidding...

It's not easy.

Hang in there. You're doing fine.

Steve will help you. Heed his advice.

Have faith. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-HD

Hey, JJ...

"Just seems like this is never going to end or if it does not in what I want."

You are taking adult steps to your very adult goal. When you have these feelings, please know they come from fear, our inner child...you are experiencing what I call as paintime...slows down, yawns, gaps, stretches and snaps by...as it did as kids...

Okay to feel what you're feeling...knowing paintime and being aware of it helps, too. You can only know what you want in present time...and you can choose differently.

Guard yourself against getting your ENs filled elsewhere...which influences your decisions--how goals fall to dirt and regret; and we cannot undo regret.

Self-care, JJ...what are you doing to for you? Are you restating your goal, recalling fond memories...or building your resentment? You are going to talk to Steve on Friday...great self-care in that...then talk to WW...that has a lot of fear in it...and it is just two days...two sets of 24 hours...you can do this.

You are doing this.

Know why we don't live fulfilling lives going from want to want? Because if we did, without a code, our want-filling would consume our time and leave us empty. Remember why you want to save your marriage...to thrive in a relationship, know and be known...history counts...what you want has a higher purpose than you can reach today...trust yourself...this isn't a craving for a momentary taste...and you can't taste the future, so don't go there. It comes to you...one day at a time.

LA

I restate my goal everyday, to salvage my marriage and get into recovery with my wife, and be a better husband, sometimes I just feel so alone.

You're not...read these threads, JJ...old and new...you can see where your WW is following a script...know these BS's know your pain, the hangtime, the lost feeling...they jumped into the future and fermented the past...

Some, like Mimi and Pep and Mel...and many others...rode it for what it was worth...felt what they felt, stayed in reality, and came to where you want to be the most...

Tell yourself, "I am." Because you are. Whisper it ten times a day...you are not alone...you're part of all of us and we are of you...God is right there...all the time...he didn't create you to be alone...and you aren't...unless you choose to believe you are.

Find your love of self deeper, nurture it as you would your marriage...find three lovely things you can do for yourself tonight, tomorrow and then you'll be at Friday's door...and you'll hear someone who has seen thousands in your shoes...and will help you with knowledge from it...

"To be true to myself"...you can add that one goal...which includes noticing your changes, allowing yourself to feel good about your goals, your choices, every tiny step of the way...

Your choice.

LA

I appreciate and thank God for this website everyday, it is just rough going home (our home) night after night to emptiness, a reflection of what I feel inside, I'm trying to love myself but sometimes the pain is just too much, and then I read the love busters and think oh my I have committed these over and over again, and it might be too late to put right what I have done wrong, then I blame myself for all of this, feel worthless, then look at where she is at and feel worthy bc of what she left for, I really get down on myself and am hard on myself, hard to forgive what I have done sometimes, repeating the same cycle, wheels spinning in the dirt, until I get an ounce of hope, or restored hope, then the cycle again, I'm desperate to break this cycle, and not continue to emotionally cut myself but then I feel I can not be hurt anymore and there is no pain only nothing, I get confused as to what I feel, doubt as to is the pain worth the gain, i try to own my feelings but i cant help but wonder what is she thinking, is she as alone and miserable as me?

I was reading other posts about triggers, is it possible to avoid all this at such at sensitive time or is impossible, bc it seems like everything triggers some sort of reaction, but i'm becoming better at knowing how to act and not react.

Be present, JJ...you are eliminating LBs...you are not who you were...that's a previous you...easy to forgive...not you now.

Humans do damage. They do not cause others to have affairs.

You didn't.

You're not that powerful.

Be kinder to yourself...love you like you want to love WW right now...know you are worthy. YOU ARE HER HUSBAND.

She doesn't have another husband. You're it.

Yes, repeating the same cycle teaches our brains we want that cycle...twisted comfort...following the same routes to self, over and over again, are routines...

Kicking yourself means you'll kick others...don't go there. You're equal to others.

Each time you stop your cycle...at any place, you teach your brain that's not the route you want to take...and each time you then take a new route, THAT will become your routine...

Know what you aren't feeling...numbness from betrayal is a whole lot of emotions happening simultaneously...I chose the image of light beams...where they all intersect, they disappear...they're still there, only I can see them...so the emotions are there, you can't feel them at that given point...same for sound waves, if you prefer...(nerd alert)...and know you are only temporarily at that point...comes and goes...no cutting to get yourself feeling...you're already feeling a whole lot...so cutting masks your other feelings and focuses on just one.

Tricky stuff.

Fear is behind our reactive state...lots of fear where you are now...look directly at it...know it for a trembling child...you're under emotional attack from inside out and outside in...breathe...seriously...breathe deeply, slowly, tells your body and soul you're alive...they need to know this...breathe and focus on your breathing...hard not to focus on it...realign yourself...these triggers are your self feeling vulnerable and afraid...be comforting, reassure...you can do this through breathing.

You can even get that lightheaded Phoebe feeling...smile when you do. You're worth it.

LA

If not having an affair for moral issues wasnt a good enough reason , then not having one especially with a coworker bc of having bad future job references is a good reason, just ask my WW has she is having trouble finding a permanent position bc of her ethical and moral issues as addressed by the VP of the company she used to work for.

now her myspace page says she is in a relationship when she isnt even divorced, this is ridicilous.

You are closer to Friday than before...almost there...why you cuttin'?

Where's your focus? WS's are ridiculous...ohmygosh, stunningly ridiculous...be stunned...WS's are that silly.

Why do you think they call it fantasy? Pretend?

Do not make yourself ridiculous by taking her pretend as real...that would sad ridiculous, and not funny.

How's the breathing?

LA

Post deleted by justjilly

I feel like i'm in star wars, dont turn to the darkside young jedi, I wish I could surround myself with more people like you guys, but I guess the people I talk to take on their own perception bc of the venom I spew about ww, I loose sight of what is reality in my mind and what is truly reality, a ww who has emotionally divorced me and beginning her new life with a piece o crap, today was actually a good day, that i felt good about myself, i felt like if this doesnt work out, then i didnt loose anything, she is the one that lost, bc i didnt break my marital vows, or my morality, and i think its time for some tough love, i'm not responsible for making sure she gets her bills or mail, thats what the us postal service is for, and she can come get them or have her mail forwarded, i am a good and honorable i havent always been perfect, but now i choose to act and not react, i will not suffer the consequences of her actions, she will, and due time her light will come on, and truth of the matter is i might be long gone, bc i have made about every last effort to reconcile, and possibly put up with more than any man should, i know she is not my enemy and i pray for her, bc right now she is a very lost soul, everyone can see it but her. hopefully tomm, steve will give me some good advice and strategy

she called me tonight and said she is filing for divorce tomm.

Hang in there James!

Friday is almost here.

-HD

I just think that I'm done with her, I have no idea what steve will say to me, bc there is obsolutely nothing to say to her to get the light to go off.

Is it time for plan b?