Well all it seems that I do is wait bc Steve had to cancel our appointment until monday. So I guess I do nothing until then.

Sorry to hear that.

Just do nothing until then.

Try and have a weekend where you can get away and distract yourself as best you can.

Above all, don't use the computer to check on her emails/myspace page, etc. It will only make your pain worse.

Take care,

-HD

I'm so sorry about the cancellation, JJ.

As for your WW's declaration...until she takes action...not words, you do not choose to believe her...more stuff from the fog.

You can't make a light go off...you know this...handing back reality doing listening and repeating is the best we can do...and remain in it ourselves.

If you would put more of her actual words here, I could help you with the listen and repeat. Have you checked out Orchid's Reverse Babble, also?

LA

well its official she filed, and said it would be smart of me to sign the papers, and uncontest this divorce. however she hows me money, and i'm not getting screwed here. I did nothing wrong and I have tried to be nice about this whole situation. She says that it doesnt matter if I counterfile for adultery.

Does that mean you were served today?

You ARE smart...what you choose to do will be what you choose to do...that's more verbal abuse from her, btw...

Can you find out if there is an alienation of affection law in your state?

It does matter if adultery is grounds for divorce in your state...definitely counterfile...because you're still a truth bringer...and counterfiling doesn't mean you'll divorce...it does state your truth.

((((JJ))))

LA

I didnt get served yet, there is no alienation of affection in Oklahoma, oh man I wish there was. So I guess I have to go pick them up at the Courthouse, or wait for her to give them to me. Still in limbo as usual.

James,

Sorry to hear of this. Don't do anything until talking with Steve on Monday...if there's a way to still save this marriage he will know.

Believe it or not, a lot of wayward spouses do file for divorce and then still manage to reconcile later.

Hang in there. Try to avoid any contact with her right now until talking with Steve, and do what you can this weekend to just take your mind off of things. I know it's hard, but if you have any good hobbies try to do one or two of them this weekend. It will take the edge off.

-HD

I'm going out with a bunch of friends tonight and I didnt even have a bad day, today was actually good, except for the fact that she is telling people that i'm violent and threatening, so i guess filing for divorce under the premise of adultery is threatening, and i guess i'm violent bc my wife was sleeping with someone else and giving him our money and i was furious about it, i will wait to do anything before i talk to steve, however i'm so tapped out emotionally, physically, and financially from this woman, that i have convinced myself that i'm free now , free at last i still care and love for but i have almost decided that i never want her to be a part of my life again in anyway shape or form

I'm confused...how do you know she filed today?

I'm a little blonde AND dense...

I wouldn't go pick them up, if that's the procedure...

I question if she filed at all, honestly.

Please stop taking her words as truth...or that anyone else will at all...you have to be violent and threatening...in order for her to be destroying what is good and honorable...have you read the threads here? WS's tell others how awful their spouse is...and the OP has been shocked, many times, to find out it isn't true. Fantasy is fantasy...protect yourself from lies. You know your truth. Live it.

HD gives great advice...take this weekend to yourself...do not take calls from WW at all...no contact...let yourself unwind with friends and loved ones...lots of self-care and enjoyment...

LA

That's good to go out with friends, but you have to be careful about wrapping your conversations with Love Busters. She probably feels threatened because you may have been engaging in them in your conversations (ie - Angry Outburts, Disrespectful Judgements, etc). This only works to deplete her Love Bank, and right now that's the last thing you want to do!

Make sure when you talk with Steve on Monday you go over any Love Busters you may have been committing. Think about them over the weekend during some quiet times, or write them down so that you don't forget to talk to him about this. This is VERY important right now. The first thing you need to do is to make sure you have those Love Busters under control. Otherwise, nothing else that you do will matter. Again, make sure you talk to Steve about what you can do to get a handle on that.

I know she deserves it - and she's done terrible and thoughtless things to you, but you HAVE to hold off on doing any of these things to her or even when you're with your friends! Believe it or not, if you bag on her with your friends they will only validate how terrible she is and how much better off you would be without her.

Then, if you do reconcile they will all sit here with this expression: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

That really isn't what you want, is it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So, try to refrain from telling your friends how bad she is. It's okay to tell them you are hurt, scared, confused, etc. But try not to tell them that she's an evil person or anything like that because then later on if you do recover they will only wonder...why did he stay with her?

Just some random thoughts.

Try and have a good weekend, and don't forget to think about and write down any Love Busters you may have done for Steve.

All the best,

-HD

In Oklahoma you can go online to the district courts and they update public records daily, it was on there at 10 this morning, yeah love busters, i will try not to talk about her, just have a relaxing evening, bc i have been bagging on her alot lately. She didnt have me served bc she wants me consider signing a waiver of apperance so we dont have to go to court. So again she has filed but yet done nothing to proceed with it.

Thank you for clarifying, JJ...I don't know the system...I didn't take it that far...

And yes, she filed but didn't follow through.

Do not waive, if you don't want to...whatever you decide, you won't be wrong. However, remember your choice...not making it one bit easier can be your choice. "I do marriage. I don't do divorce."

Be sure to find out your legal rights and if counterfiling for divorce on adultery grounds would be important...because again, even if you don't want to divorce but rather recover your marriage, you are the reality bringer.

This weekend, think about yourself...relax and maybe look at the ways you love bust yourself...'cuz you matter.

LA

Talked to an attorney, apparently in Oklahoma filing for adultery doesnt really matter unless there are children involved for custody issues.

Well the weekend is over and my counseling session is in the morning, weekend actually flew by, had fun, and wasnt sitting aroung thinking about current situation, have an appointment with a lawyer on tuesday, to see what is the likely hood i'm going to get screwed if we go to court, i'm not going to make this all go away just so she can get on with her life, it is more complicated than what she thinks, however we will see what steve's advice is, and if this ship can be righted, if not then I did all I could, and feel good knowing I was the honorable one and I stood my moral ground, and someone else will be very much satisfied to have a wonderful person such as myself, ****** I'm only 30 a highly educated, and movtivated individual, I have my whole life ahead of me.

Glad to hear you got some solid distraction and relief this weekend. An affair isn't about you not being the better man...you are. It is about the WS feeding their resentment, not being honest about what is theirs and what is yours...

I would rather you would list all that learned as the reasons you can walk away, if you choose to, with your head in a great place, instead of achievements...because affair partners are always amazing lowlifes...mess ups...and I hear you comparing yourself to OM, which is harmful to you.

Yes, you will be wanted, loved and cherished after this...however, the partner who has your history, seen you in all ways, won't be that one...and you can start fresh knowing a whole lot...or your WW can wake up.

Seems like a win-win to me.

Please post after you talk to Steve, 'k?

LA

Well I talked to steve today, and he basically told me to keep chipping away, and try to get her to talk to him, i sent her an email stating that i know she wants a divorce but however i could not go ahead with that knowing we could still be happy together, she then sends me a reply saying how sorry that this is not what i want and to meet her tommorrow to get this marital settlement agreement notarized when i havent even reviewed it yet. So I guess there is pretty much no point now, but to get this over with as fast as possible and with my best interests involved.

Well this thread is getting ready to move to divorcing/divorced, I have a feeling this is going to become very nasty.

How is that chipping away at her?

Say, "No can meet."

Look out for your best interest...counter file on adultery...as a statement...take the action you want to reflect truth, not the short cut...the give in...there's a payoff right now in guessing that there pretty much is no point now...and later, when you cannot go back and do it with a point, you won't be able to do so...

Or tell me your most important point.

Saying no sounds to me like something you had a difficult time doing in your relationship. Am I close?

LA

Saying no? Moved to Austin her idea, bought the house she wanted, bought all the furniture she wanted, so saying no was very hard, just wanted her to be happy, but I'm not going to make this go away so she can just forget like it didnt happened, you can't mess me up emotionally and financially and just expect me to say ok, she tried to say that she shouldnt be responsible for rent when she hasnt lived here in 3 months, however her name is still on the lease, and then she threatened to turn off all the utilities, and the said that the money she supplied to her boyfriend was our money, the minute you gave it to him, it was my money, this isnt just going to go away, i'm afraid, my most important point is to know that i fought tooth and nail for this marriage, and you cant expect not to have consequences for committing adultery and getting out, if she wants out bad enough then she needs to pay up i'm tired of being nice.

Sorry to hear about this turn of events, James. My advice to you would be to keep chipping away, as Steve says, at any needs or avoiding LB's as best as you can...

You never know...as you have stated, her relationship with this OM is flimsy at best. It looks like it already has many cracks in it, and it could fall apart like a house of cards any minute...

And when that does, you do want to be there for her when she crashes down and gets to her lowest point...

...but in the meantime, I would also say to Lawyer up! If she's intent on going through with this you need to protect yourself as best as you can.

All the best,

-HD