My husband and I are by no means in a "perfect" relationship. We have been married for only 5 months but have been together for 3 1/2 years and have a one year old child. My H, "Joe", has not always been totally honest with me. There are a lot of things I'm still finding out about him to this day.

Neither of us are meeting the other's emotional needs and I've been trying this whole time time to talk to him about it and try to get him to understand that we both need to change the way we act/talk/etc. Until now he hasn't bothered a bit to try and treat me any differently. Now, I've come to my wit's end and I have "given up" not completely on my marriage, but on trying to make him happy. For one thing, he's never satisfied and secondly, I'm never satisfied either.

Well, since I've gotten into this funk "Joe" has become Mr. Want to Save the Marriage. All of a sudden he's trying his hardest to keep things together but I just don't feel like working any more. Now he feels like he's the only one working on anything and I've asked him "How does it feel?" before and gotten the reply of "Is that the only reason you're doing this is so I'll see what you've been doing?"

That's not why, I am just exhausted but when I try to explain that to him he doesn't get it.

We used to have an absolutely WONDERFUL sex life. It was full, vivid and frequent. Now we only have sex maybe once a week if he's lucky. I have absolutely NO sex drive. It's not that I'm punishing him or not trying to satisfy him sexually, it's just that we're into totally different things. He likes a lot more erotic things and those turn me off. I guess I haven't really figured out what turns me "on" but I feel really insecure in the sexual front.

He wasn't this erotic when we first me and I used to love sex, now I just don't care if we do it or not.

Anyway, is this normal and how can I make myself want to have sex with him more?

Welcome to marriage builders. Please take some time to read through the basic concepts on this site paying particular attention to the “Love Busters” area as well as the “Emotional Needs” area. The key is to eliminate all “Love Busters” and meet all “Emotional Needs”….

“””Neither of us are meeting the other's emotional needs and I've been trying this whole time time to talk to him about it and try to get him to understand that we both need to change the way we act/talk/etc.”””

OK, well since you are the one here, I am going to speak directly to you. Why are you refusing to meet his emotional needs? While it’s great that you’ve been preaching about “we both” need to do this or that, what have you done? Staying in this cycle is your choice and you’ve chosen to lead it to this point. If you were to eliminate all love busters and meet his needs, the relationship would change PERIOD. Why, because you took action to change the dynamics of the relationship.

“””Until now he hasn't bothered a bit to try and treat me any differently.”””

Well, again, how did you treat him differently?

“””Now, I've come to my wit's end and I have "given up" not completely on my marriage, but on trying to make him happy.”””

You can’t make anyone happy. Being happy is typically a sign on contentment and only you can decide if you are content. So are you willing to look at yourself and implement changes in your behavior regardless of what your hubby does?

“””Now he feels like he's the only one working on anything and I've asked him "How does it feel?" before and gotten the reply of "Is that the only reason you're doing this is so I'll see what you've been doing?"”””

So are y’all like 8th graders playing a game? That’s what it sounds like… “How does it feel” give me a break, I’m sorry but that’s plain week… I truly hope you don’t teach your child to “love” based on that principle… Love is a choice and you’ve chosen not to be loving.. As a matter of fact, you’ve chosen to punish. If that is what you’d like to do then I’d recommend you living a single life.

”””That's not why, I am just exhausted but when I try to explain that to him he doesn't get it.”””

Well that is exactly what you communicated to him. Exhausted from what? What, other than talking, have you done to meet his top 5 emotional needs? How much effort have you put into eliminating ALL love busters? Again, love is a choice, either choose it or not. If you choose to love, quit playing these games and love. Sure it may take some learning first, but love. Heck if you are lost then follow this rule until you get on the right path “Do No Harm”, that’s pretty simple.

”””We used to have an absolutely WONDERFUL sex life. It was full, vivid and frequent. Now we only have sex maybe once a week if he's lucky.”””

What do you mean “if he’s lucky”? How old are you? As an observation you come across as emotionally immature. So you’ve chosen not to meet his “emotional need” sexual fulfillment, and you’re doing so because he’s unlucky? Well, if any of a persons top 5 emotional needs are not being met then it is the “relationship” that is unlucky, not an individual because you are also suffering because of his unmet need, correct?

“””I have absolutely NO sex drive. It's not that I'm punishing him or not trying to satisfy him sexually, it's just that we're into totally different things. He likes a lot more erotic things and those turn me off. I guess I haven't really figured out what turns me "on" but I feel really insecure in the sexual front.”””

OK…. When reading through the Basic Concepts, read through the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement. You need to be Radically Honest in explaining the things that are truly a “turn-off” for you and come to an enthusiastic agreement about your sex life. That does sound like it’s going to be difficult because of two things: 1. you don’t know what you want and 2. your insecurity. Well on the first, you can tell him what you really like and what feels good. On the second, why are you insecure about sexuality?

”””He wasn't this erotic when we first me and I used to love sex, now I just don't care if we do it or not.”””

Let me ask you this. How would you feel if he didn’t care or not if he worked and only worked sporadically and made little money? By doing that he would be choosing not to meet your need for “Financial Security” just as you are choosing not to meet his need for “Sexual Fulfillment”. Granted he may not work the job you’d like, just like you may not do ALL the kinky stuff he’d like, but there does need to be effort in meeting needs.

Hi, WTH,

I know you're hearing LH criticize you and I assure you, he isn't. He is excellent at showing people their choices, their power...so they do not believe they are helpless, that they've done all the work...he is direct...and I believe, right on.

I hear you are full of resentments...you have a newborn marriage in a relationship going into phase 2...and it sounds like you've racked up some tough road for this most important part...

Your relationship has been about earning love, tit for tat, give to get...50/50...and your H has been failing his share...LH wants you to look at what only you can control...because you're here. He's not saying you're defective or wrong...he's saying, "Look! Listen to your self...you're worth it...and hear what you are doing and why. It matters. What you think, feel and believe changes everything."

Your sex drive is part of all of you, WTH...what it symbolizes to you...whether your resentment is killing it, or lack of ENs being met...or if Love Busting from both of you is sending your SF into a downward spiral...it is all connected.

You brought up the tit for tat...How do you like it now that you're doing all the work and I'm not? Oh, WTH, as a mother, I know you can hear what a horrible perspective you've chosen...and our perspective permeates all of us. You could be grateful he began to change at all...if you choose. You could joyously begin to work together...share what you learned as you tried everything...all of your research and your new beliefs...and he could share his...

Being parents of babies and toddlers changes everyone's life. Takes commitment and enforcing priorities...making time, putting your marriage first (which goes against your severe maternal mindset right now...and I've been there. I remember.) You are at critical mass with reason--we get that. Do you want to explode or do you want to step up to the big challenge, which all of us faced, and thrive?

LA

WTH,

Thank you for replying.

"I know that sounds like what I'm saying, but why can't I make the way I feel come out in words that don't sound like I'm being a child?"

What I learned was the words won't come out any differently because they ARE coming from our inner child. You are not thinking in your adult self...you are asking "Why? Why is it this way when it could have been different!"

Think on that for a moment...you are not immature...we all have inner children (yeah, more than one...go figger!) and getting to know these tiny us is important. You are both adults, whole and complete...nothing defective or wrong about either of you...you chose to work on the marriage...and you did not see what you wanted, when you wanted it...

I was you. I swear. I didn't know about love languages...I didn't know resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die...I didn't know I couldn't cause my H's emotions, nor control them (that "happy" part you figured out already), nor cure them. Nor could he mine. Funny part of doing the Harley stuff is first, you have to get whole and separate people becoming one...meaning own our own stuff and stop carrying around each other's stuff...then you can follow the four rules of marriage, choose to love, meet ENs without resentment or judgment.

"It's not that I've quit because I want him to see what it's like, I just feel diminished and exhausted from all the work and I feel like I have no more drive to push."

Here's exactly where you begin! You own that you feel diminished...that does not mean he diminished you...you feel that way. Valid. Heard. REALLY understood. Honest. Same for exhausted...you chose to sacrifice, conquer your own resistance, and try, try, try...not seeing the results you wanted.

Realize your premise...you were choosing your actions and words based on his possible response...this is self-betrayal...because you have no control at all over his response...and to assume or mindread it is disrespectful.

All stuff I didn't know either, when I came here.

And along with your efforts, did you self-reward? Did you say, "Oh! I love that. I love doing, saying that!" I doubt it...because you're trying to get from your H what you most want from yourself for yourself.

I tend to blurt too much at once. I'm sorry. I think you're thirsty for it and can definitely handle a lot...still, I got a twinge of spewing here...so I'll get back to your post.

"I would love this,"

This was your response to two things you quoted...my question about your perspective, and then a possible other perspective...and how you could choose to share yours.

If you would love it, do so.

"but H is not the "emotion sharing" type."

My DH was allergic to his emotions...before, by his own admission. I know. I understand. It took me understanding Love Busters really well, especially DJ's, for me to become safe enough for DH to share his stuff...thoughts, feelings and beliefs...and to discover them as he felt them...he thought he had three emotions...resentment, love and depression. I had to change my beliefs and permissions a lot to get to be safe enough...and in doing so, I became safe enough for me, too.

"I am glad that he began to change but the another resentment comes to me from it."

Just a reminder, if you choose to believe...resentment doesn't come to you...it comes from within you. Expectations are premediated resentments. We choose our expectations (and boy, they feel automatic and outside ourselves, yet they aren't), so we choose our what we resent when others fail them. Still ours...beginning to corrosive end.

"It took me almost giving up for him to see what he was going to lose." And still I ask...if it is your choice to give up or not, then why not be celebrating? You learned so much...wasn't this the reward? Other H's don't...they resist, punish back...because often in marriages in phase 2, when their spouse changes and wants to work on the marriage, all they hear is, "You're not good enough. You're not doing enough. You aren't enough for me."

"The working together part is not going to happen very harmoniously until I have a day job."

This I support...your hours and the baby are the critical mass I spoke of...tightest spot. I personally believe we work ourselves into these tightest spots for a reason--to get us to see what we wouldn't have before...if we had any wriggleroom left. Just my belief...was for me and DH.

"H and I only see each other for about 12 - 14 hours a week."

Harley's gold is the 15 hours of Undivided Attention (UA) for a marriage in a healthy state...more than that when it is in conflict...have you read the articles here on this site? They are really eye-opening...three states of marriage...Intimacy, Conflict, Withdrawal. You were in Intimacy when you were working hard on pinching out time, meeting needs, etc...and he was in Conflict or Withdrawal...now you're reversed, huh? See? You aren't messed up, I'm telling you...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"That's no way to be a family. I feel like we're raising our child seperately as if we are already divorced." Definitely. Understood. Priorities...Marriage, Children, Job...on down the line. Now, this is full of fear if you have a high Financial Security need...it is doable, even then, when you measure your needs against one another to prioritize them...

I'm not preaching what I didn't live...my H earned very little, as did I, and we had three boys...and H could have doubled his income if he had moved up into a position at his company where he travelled three weeks out of every month...and we said no...and stayed on the little...my fear of single parenting was greater than my creativity with stretching a dollar until it screamed...because I had been a single mom before we married. You may not have that perspective...I respect that...and I wasn't all that into priorities back then...just had that boundary (and no, I didn't know what a boundary was...my deep gut reaction) and I'm so grateful we didn't go for the FS and kept the FC (family commitment).

"I know that once I change jobs, a lot of these things will subside." May I offer that my fear is the lessons from your critical mass state will explode your marriage later, maybe in a year, or five, if you allow yourself to view them as better when they subside?

This is me asking you to use a symbol...when you change jobs and you have more hours to share, then you both will have time for UA, RC (recreatinal companionship)...time for your marriage...building it to last a lifetime.

I'm into symbols, so it might just be me...I do know that many times in my marriage, I stepped over crisis and let go lessons when things subsided...and was surprised again and again as what looked liked critical mass kept getting bigger. I say this with love to you because of my experience...I'm not juding you or your H...

"How did you do this???????????????????????????? I feel that there is no way I could ever put anything above my child. But then I see the fact that if I don't put my marriage before my child, then there will inevitably be no family unit. But how did you manage to put anything before your children? I have to learn how but don't know where to start."

I LOVE all the ???'s you put. Exactly. That was me, to the "t" when this was brought up on MB. Ohmygosh! What? Say what? We were raised to put children first...and I did...to my detriment, my H's detriment, and our marriage's devastation.

My children are grown...now I know. See, children learn more through your marriage than they do cumulatively in all years of schooling, sports and activities combined...I promise.

Think about what they learn...we aren't "role models" in that over-used sense...we ARE their models, period. They learn love, acceptance, boundaries, respect, communication, ownership, intimacy, trust, faith, honor, integrity, choice, power, limits...the list is too long...all from our marriage...not us as individuals. If they learned from just one of you or the other...then they would get conflicting stuff, wouldn't they? They would learn to compartmentalize, distance from feelings, or live by feelings...

But in marriage, they learn two whole people choosing their lives...that love is a choice, not something you earn; boundaries around themselves through the boundaries you show in your marriage; they learn marriage worth and self-worth; acceptance of others and of self; how to respect differences and similarities (Policy of Joint Agreement...POJA); all through seeing your marriage.

Marriage is only two people...with a third part...you, him and the marriage. You can honor your marriage when you do not feel like honoring your spouse; you can know your marriage is worthy when you don't feel worthy yourself; you can accept you're married (because you are) when you don't like it; you can know you both are different and agree to disagree, to respect what is not yours and be respected for what is; within a marriage.

For those who put their children first (I don't know why I'm not writing this first person...correcting it now)...my children learned deserving not choosing; entitled not acceptance; that they were only safe when they were good; only welcomed when they behaved (see how marriage is, through better behaviors and worse?); they believed they were responsible for their parents thoughts, feelings and beliefs because that's what they saw...

Marriage matters. There's a reason it comes first before children...because it is that important. And no, I didn't do anything in the right order or knew why there was that order, really...but then, I'm old. LOL. I learned.

You're already wise...yep, not working at marriage means failed family unit, doesn't it? All choice. Worth everything, I promise...

And the great news for me, is that now I'm undoing what I did, bit by bit...least, I'm sharing what I've learned with my boys...and yes, they love me, anyway.

LA

P.S. Thank you for adding your sigline...you will find others, like you, in their 20's and I have to say, CONGRATULATIONS! You are on your way to an INCREDIBLE marriage and life...I promise!

Thank you so much for everything you have told me. I really do appreciate it. If I didn't ask I wouldn't learn.

The thing about putting marriage before kids is clear to me now. I just worry about this working seperate schedules thing. Because it already seems like our child is getting taught two seperate things. We're not teaching our child as a family because we aren't living as a family right now. That's what I meant about some things being fixed once I have a better job. I know that changing jobs won't fix my marriage, but I know that it will alleviate lot of stress and make working on our problems easier and less frightening.

I do worry about other things though. Such as sometimes, well most of the time, we don't fight healthily. We yell and call names. Believe me since we've had our child we are SO MUCH better. But it worries me that he will see us fight or hear us saying mean things.

I saw my parents fighting for 3 years when I was 12 or so. This presents itself as an issue in my parenting abilities/skills. I try soooooooooooo hard to avoid conflict with my H that I think I avoid too much. But I had to take care of my younger brother and sister because my parent's fights got too out of hand sometimes. This comes up in my life now because I just try to keep our child from hearing or seeing anything. Even healthy fights or arguements.

Anyway, my H helped me to see that those issues may be stemming from my own childhood. I think that the first step of acknowledging that fact is a major positive.

Talking to you has helped a lot. My H and I are seeking marriage counseling as we both agree that things could and should be better. We want to be happy all the time.

It's kinda sad, I've made him sound like a big jerk but he's really not. He's a very sweet loving man. He's an absolutely WONDERFUL father and I love him dearly with all my heart. We just have disagreements that we need to change.

I work in a battered women's shelter and took a class to work here. I have learned a lot of things that have saved us thus far. Our fighting stratagies have changed because of my work here. I've learned how to fight right and my H has been surprisingly receptive.

Anyway, I tend to ramble too, but I appreciate your rambling and if you have more to offer, please do!!

Also, thank you for your encouragement as far as telling me that we have a long promising future together. I appreciate that and it make me feel better already. I want to go home and wake the H up and hug him and kiss him....but I won't because he has to be to work at 7:30 in the AM!!

Thanks again!

“””I should explain that I work from 4PM until 12AM and my H works from 8AM until 5PM. We don't see each other. That may clear a lot of this confusion up.”””

OUCH, when are you changing that…



”””I have been the only one trying to do anything. When I get home from work at night, he's sleeping...so I'll leave him a little love note all around the house for him to find when he wakes up.”””

OK, that’s great but the question I have, is that your hubby’s love language? If you don’t know about love languages please pick up and read The Five Languages of Love. While you view those notes as “showing love” if you hubby does not receive love that way then they ain’t working. More than likely, I’m guessing that “words of affection” such as those notes are your love language and from the sound of things later in your post “acts of service” are your hubby’s love language. So while you view leaving dishes in the sink to take time to write him a note as a Love Bank Deposit, it’s actually a withdrawal.

“””Well, if you're going to go around attacking people and recommending single life to everyone, maybe you shouldn't give advice.”””

I do have a tendency to be very direct and to the point and ain’t that good at sugar coating things.

“””I don't see love as a choice. I didn't choose to love my child, I couldn't choose not to love him if I tried.”””

Really? Well you didn’t choose to leave it in a dumpster, so you did make a choice of some kind correct. Plus we’re talking about marital love, not maternal love. I believe if you take some time to do some reading through this site, Dr. Harley’s books, and books by other well respected authors (M. Scott Peck) on the definition of marital love you’ll see that it is highly believed to a choice.

“””I say it because I just feel like I've been the only one working on our relationship for 3 and a half years and I'm worn out”””

I can understand that…. But rather than quit working, I encourage you to work smarter.

“””I'm insecure because the porn he watches has women in it who are like a hundred times better looking than me.”””

Have you had a radically honest respectful conversation about how his use of porn makes you feel? Do you have any boundaries in place to protect you from negative feelings due to porn use?

“””I was asking for advice on how to make your sex drive come back when you've lost it due to exhaustion and different work schedules. But hey, thanks for attacking me and totally criticizing me.”””

Dear, your sex drive is symptom, not the problem. You want to know how to get your sex drive back…. OK, start masturbating to orgasm 3 times a day religiously. Then replace one of those with sex…. Whammo!!! You now have sex drive…. But has that fixed your marriage? No….

“””until I have a day job. H and I only see each other for about 12 - 14 hours a week. That's no way to be a family.”””

While I agree that it sucks there are still things within your power to do. One would be to have some special morning time with him every day. You mentioned that you are to tired at the end of the night to have sex, well initiate sex in the morning. Get up with him. Make him breakfast. If he has time for lunch, take him lunch. If there’s a park near by, y’all can spend his lunch hour there. Y’all have chose the circumstance you are in and you can choose to be miserable in it or choose to find contentment within it.

“””I just worry about this working separate schedules thing.”””

OK, have y’all talked about the separate schedule thing? Are you actively pursuing another job with a normal schedule? In my 1st marriage we did that separate schedule thingy for a while and it was the worst thing ever, I would never choose to do that again.

“””We yell and call names.”””

You know you don’t have to yell or name call, no one makes you do that. You choose to yell and name call and in turn you choose to make withdrawal from your spouses love bank by doing so. So you need to choose to no longer yell and name call, that’s easy enough.

“””I try soooooooooooo hard to avoid conflict with my H that I think I avoid too much.”””

I understand that…. That’s obviously an unhealthy pattern. I encourage you to read through the basic concepts and look at some healthy conflict resolution solutions. Conflict in a marriage can by healthy when done by two people who communicate to respectfully to resolution.

“””I should explain that I work from 4PM until 12AM and my H works from 8AM until 5PM. We don't see each other. That may clear a lot of this confusion up.”””

OUCH, when are you changing that…

**Soon, hopefully.**



”””I have been the only one trying to do anything. When I get home from work at night, he's sleeping...so I'll leave him a little love note all around the house for him to find when he wakes up.”””

OK, that’s great but the question I have, is that your hubby’s love language? If you don’t know about love languages please pick up and read The Five Languages of Love. While you view those notes as “showing love” if you hubby does not receive love that way then they ain’t working. More than likely, I’m guessing that “words of affection” such as those notes are your love language and from the sound of things later in your post “acts of service” are your hubby’s love language. So while you view leaving dishes in the sink to take time to write him a note as a Love Bank Deposit, it’s actually a withdrawal.

**As far as I know, the only love language he has is 'sex'...:) jk...wanted to add a little humor! i'm not sure what his love languages are. As I've said before he's not a mushy guy. When I try to talk about these things he tells me i'm being weird and changes the subject.**


“””I say it because I just feel like I've been the only one working on our relationship for 3 and a half years and I'm worn out”””

I can understand that…. But rather than quit working, I encourage you to work smarter.

**That's why I read this site, it gives me ways to try and change things. The hardest part is getting him to be receptive.**

“””I'm insecure because the porn he watches has women in it who are like a hundred times better looking than me.”””

Have you had a radically honest respectful conversation about how his use of porn makes you feel? Do you have any boundaries in place to protect you from negative feelings due to porn use?

**he gets angry when i try to talk about this. he says it's normal for guys to want to see porn and whatever and doesn't like me questioning it. i think he just gets defensive because he feels guilty though.**


“””until I have a day job. H and I only see each other for about 12 - 14 hours a week. That's no way to be a family.”””

While I agree that it sucks there are still things within your power to do. One would be to have some special morning time with him every day. You mentioned that you are to tired at the end of the night to have sex, well initiate sex in the morning. Get up with him. Make him breakfast. If he has time for lunch, take him lunch. If there’s a park near by, y’all can spend his lunch hour there. Y’all have chose the circumstance you are in and you can choose to be miserable in it or choose to find contentment within it.

**the thing about morning time is that once i get off work at 12AM i'm wired and i can't get to sleep until at LEAST 2AM, i tried going to bed at 2 this morning and tossed and turned until 3AM, so getting up with him at 6 is sort of unfavorable when i then turn around and get up with the little one at aroun 9 to 930AM.**

“””I just worry about this working separate schedules thing.”””

OK, have y’all talked about the separate schedule thing? Are you actively pursuing another job with a normal schedule? In my 1st marriage we did that separate schedule thingy for a while and it was the worst thing ever, I would never choose to do that again.

**We have talked about it. He HATES that i work nights. i am trying to get on at the hospital here in town because they'll pay for me to go to school and i want to be an L&D nurse (RN). But when you're seeking only days it's kind of hard, they have a bunch of openings for nights and various shifts but not as much for day shifts. I will never EVER work seperate schedules again after this.**

“””We yell and call names.”””

You know you don’t have to yell or name call, no one makes you do that. You choose to yell and name call and in turn you choose to make withdrawal from your spouses love bank by doing so. So you need to choose to no longer yell and name call, that’s easy enough.

**i know, i try not to. I work in a battered women's shelter, though all my classes and trainings here i've learned how to fight 'healthy'. i try really hard to, but when he explodes and tells me I'm lazy and what not it's hard to 'choose' not to call him an A-hole.**

How are you doing, WTH?

""**As far as I know, the only love language he has is 'sex'...:) jk...wanted to add a little humor! i'm not sure what his love languages are. As I've said before he's not a mushy guy. When I try to talk about these things he tells me i'm being weird and changes the subject.**"

Why not start by finding out your love languages and his? I'm in LH's perspective on this...all that work you've been doing for years may have been a lot of effort directed at getting H to do something, know something, instead of working smarter and you knowing more.

What you do or do not allow yourself to do...yell or name call...isn't determined by what your H does or does not do...all your choice. When you say it's hard to choose not to...well, yes; if that is the person you want to be, an abuser, than I respect your choice. Choosing not to because that is not the person you want to be...for you, your child or your H is important, don't you think?

You cannot get your H to do anything...not in your control. You cannot get him to be receptive, open, honest, sharing, angry, retalitory...anything. Nor can he you. Understand this...realize he chooses and you choose. Know why you choose what you do and say. They are yours.

You can do this. Inject respect into your marriage. Your life.

LA

I would like to start by saying, don't give up. Coming from you H perspective(somewhat I belive) it may take a frying pan, but if he starts making the effort, he does need help. My fiance has admitted she's had eenough, she's put in her time. After 4 yrs I've finally been hit a hard enough blow in life that I realized my fatal mistakes, or near fatal perhaps. The thought of "without her" never fully crossed my mind, it surfaced, I cried, it subsided. As of late, my fear of "without her" is overwhelming, my love for her is staggering now, and I want to show her every way possible, but from a past of not knowing affection in any other form other than sexual, I don't know what to do. I've learned many small things from this site and others that seem to be helping. I'm trying to implement more daily, the passing touch, the fleeting kiss, that stolen moment during the day I say I love you, the little things this site showed me, again. The things I did regurlarly before, that I failed to continue to do for her to KNOW i love her, not just hear it. Stay strong, have faith in the love and him. He's going to need it if he's anything like I am.