You need to take care of your self.Ship her to the curb.You no he'll cheat on her or her on him . .And they will never trust each other.And even if you get back together you will never trust her again.Some times I think the rejection is what keeps us trying to make it work.Some how we think it's are fault. Find some one deserving of your self and move on. Good luck

I understand your thinking here, but you have to ask yourself what your odds are for infidelity in your next marriage. Sixty percent of all marriages suffer infidelity from one spouse or both. Maybe you're better off trying to fix what you've got.

And yes, the rejection is a big part of wanting your spouse back. When they stop loving you it's a big slam to your self-esteem.

sundown and kinger - the sophomoric approach you guys advocate certainly will make you feel in control and "show her who's boss!" - in your own mind.

Let us know if it works for you. It might. But until you fix your contributions to the poor marital state that fostered the affair, you're destined to repeat your process.

WAT,

As I read these boards, I see affairs that seem to last for years, or are on/again off/again for a long time.

What has your time on MB taught you about the length of exposed affairs?

Hiker, there are also numerous examples of affairs that ended and are now successfully restored marriages. LIKE MINE and MANY others. Those are the examples you want to emulate.

I am not WAT, but I will say that there is no way to accurately answer your question about the length of exposed affairs. Some end the day they are exposed, others end a year later. There is just no consistency there.

Just the fact that your W is very addicted does not cause me to lose hope AT ALL. I have seen just as bad or WORSE come back frm the dead. Mimi's case is one. Her H was extremely addicted and was in long term affair. He is passionately addicted to MIMI today.

Hiker, while there are no guarantees, I don't see anything in your case that causes me to lose hope. And I WOULD tell you. I have seen worse than yours turn into success stories, so don't give up.

Of course, this is based only on anecdotal information, but it seems to me that upon exposure, affairs typically sort themselves into two flavors - those that end soon thereafter or those that persist for long periods - not much middle ground.

Remember, many affairs start and stop without the BS ever knowing. Just the threat of being found out is enough "exposure".

Affairees who end their affairs upon exposure or before being exposed seem to me to be the ones most likely to really recover. Maybe they're less "contaminated" or are closer in touch with their integrity or whatever.

But this is FAR from being hard and fast rules. Stories exist here of WSs who actually left their families and shacked up with their affair partners - flying in the face of exposure - yet still ended up back with their spouses. Former poster (BS) Lostva's story is an example of this.

In his book "Private Lies", Frank Pittman states that in five years from the onset of an affair, the affairees are more likely to be back with their spouses than still with their affair partners. Recommend you read his book.

It's easy to imagine that HUGE variables exist between affairees. So huge that I hesitate even to relate these observations of mine. While the things they say and do are SOOOOOO similar as to suggest a common pathogen as the source of the "disease", predicting the outcome of any individual case is darn near impossible - IMHO.

But back to exposure, this aspect clearly is key to ending affairs, of those that are endable.

JMHO

WAT

Melody and WAT,

Thanks for the info. Obviously I am trying to find a sense of what is most likely to happen in my case, when in reality it is completely unpredictable (as to the length of the affair).

I naturally assume it will burn itself out eventually, but it looks like I've got a long trek through a swamp before that happens.

I'll take a look at "Private Lies." I've read some other Pittman articles and he has strong opinions about affairs.

Another question -- as I mentioned before, my MIL supports my wife's search for "passion" and tells her to follow her heart. I won't get any help from her. But my wife's grandmother is the moral backbone of this family and would unquestionably come down hard on my wife for her behavior. She is 86 years old and reasonably healthy, but her husband has been ill and just returned from the hospital a few days ago. The grandmother is under great stress, so this is a bad time to talk to her about the affair.

That's a tough call, Hiker.

You know your wife would accuse you of all sorts of inhumane stuff for "harming" these fragile folks with your intrusion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Tread lightly, I suggest.

BTW, I agree with Mel's assessment. Don't fold just because things aren't happening the way you'd like right now. If nothing else, this process demands patience. It cannot be rushed.

WAT

Thanks for the advice.

Hiker- you have a good grasp of how the MB principles work. You also have an understanding of something far more important---if you desert your marriage without trying everything you can to save it, you WILL regret it. Even if your marriage does fail, at least you won't be continually haunted by concerns that you just didn't try hard enough. Your WW is very fortunate, whether she knows it or not.

BTW, when I exposed to my WH, he ended the A very quickly. We are still struggling, but at least we're stuggling with regular marital issues...money, responsibilities, in-laws, etc. MUCH better than worrying about what chickie he's banging. My hopes are with you that the A will end quickly. I can't remember now, but does your WW have any family members who might join you in the battle (brother, sister, or even a best friend?).

Well, she has a brother who lives in another state who would probably be shocked at her behavior and disapprove. But I don't think he would have much influence over her. Her stepfather just sits on the sidelines to avoid trouble with my MIL. My MIL tells my wife to pursue her passion and follow her heart. Even told me that children don't enter into any decision about divorce!

Yeah, I remember about the MIL--several folks on this board have that problem (ask Mortarman). Unfortunately, the relationship between mom and daughter is a tenuous one. My M has affairs, and would love it if I joined her in her life of sin.

Somehow you W's behavior will validate any feelings your MIL has about her own life (whether she acted on them or not). I wouldn't mess with the MIL relationship--too sticky, and you'll end up covered in doggie poop.

Think about that brother, and maybe any close friends or colleagues. How about folks who went to your wedding or your children's baptism or whatever? These are people who are entrusted by their actions to defend the M.

Many will not step up, as most people are cowards, but maybe you can find one or two who will help. Don't worry about how you will look, by showing your M is not perfect. They'll figure that out anyway if you divorce. Better to ask now.

Tell the brother.

It's not so much that he might not have influence over her, it's just the fact that he knows and that she knows that he knows that is the active ingredient of exposure > shame.

Let's not shy away from the plain fact that shame is the active ingredient of exposure. Plain, cold, dark shame.

WAT

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Good. This means that shame was felt. Very good.

It's when shame isn't felt that you should worry that exposure isn't having the desired effect.

WAT

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Oh yes - take it to the bank - all affairees are "special." Their situation is unique. It's not an "affair" - that would be disgusting. It's a special case.

Denial and shame go hand in hand.

WAT

WAT is exactly right! It will benefit you in the shame factor. And I WOULD tell the grandmother. She will want to know. She might be old, but she also has lots of experience and would probably be honored that you called her for advice and support. Just tell her that you love your W and that you respect her very much and need her support and guidance. While she isn't going to be happy that her gd is acting like a ho' I am sure she would appreciate the call. She is wise and experienced and doesn't need to be protected from the truth like a weakling.

I've seen plenty of the denial. I'd like to see a little sense of shame.

The denial is there in an attempt to avoid the shame.

No can do.

The greater the denial, the greater the underlying shame. Oh, it's there alright. But some, like my XW, get very good at living in denial. In affairs, culprits abound except in the mirror.

WAT