So I'm struggling with PLan A/Plan B, something about a stick, etc. etc. I've heard something about ending the affair through exposure and stuff. I need to know it is over before I can move on to Plan A.

But, if the WW has lied over and over about the affair since the beginning, how do you know when she is finally telling the truth and the affair is over????

Have you been snooping? If so, what methods are you using? Remember, it's important to inspect what you expect...

Mrs. W

Investigate and snoop as much as you can with out getting caught.

I am new here and not an expert at all but it is AMAZING what you can learn here from others.

Check cell phones and email accounts and anything else you can think ofbut don't let on you are looking or it may ruin your investigation.

welcome to the site.

Blindsided

If I understand correctly Plan A needs to be started even IF the A is taking place! You need to show WW that home is a much better option then OM. Think back to why you fell in love with your wife, try your hardest to surpress all of your hurt and pain (far the time being) and use those good feelings to win her over. Do some of the things you did with her back then! Talk to her about those times! She won't be able to relate to those feelings right now! In her mind, all she can see is "you've done this to me," not we're done this and it's done this to our relationship!

Thinking back to when H and I were in college was the best way for me to use the loving feelings that I had/have for him in a positive way! Of course, you still want to expose and enforce a NC once you know that the A is happening. Mrs. W and blindsided are right, snoop, snoop, and snoop more until you are certain but Plan A is very important. My was very shaky at first because of the pain and hurt WH had caused but it does get better!

Best wishes, and don't give up!

when the WS is transparent, repentant, and can RATIONALLY DISCUSS their actions without tell tale signs of wistfulness for the OP.

those would be my standards for "it's over".

just my .02.

Plan A is ALL about a WS and OP having contact..

Plan A is all about negotiating an end to an affair without ever using those words....

if you think contact has to end to start plan A..then you don't understand plan A at all...

read the site..

plan B can NOT be done till there is a plan A..hence the name ..."b"

ARK

deewhit- have you read SAA?

Dear DeeWitt,

Plan A is used for "Breaking up the Affair".

Plan A is part Carrot
and
Part Stick.

The carrot is you creating in yourself, any reasonalble person would want to come home to.

It is the journey to creating a person that is not dependent on another person's validation to feel their self worth.

It is making yourself attractive on the outside as well as the inside.

It is learning to avoid lovebusting behaviors and make yourself irresistably attractive to your ws.

It is fullfeeling your spouses most emotional needs.

The stick part is to:

Expose the affair.

Shine the light on what the infidels are doing, and allow them to see themselves through the eyes of others that they admire and value their respect.

Exposing is used to stop the affair.

Read up on Plan A on the MB website.

Also it is helpful to read Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, Lovebusting, all by Williard Harley.

Sincerely,
k.d.'s Heartbrek

Hello all,
Thanks for the replies. I just found the site yesturday but I pretty much spent the whole day reading the material and the forums because it is all so good! I think I understand Plan A a little better now, but still a few questions.

I obviously snoop and I really do know that she is still seeing this girl, but even when I go to her with undeniable evidence, she still denies and tries to make me into the bad person for spying on her or investigating her every action. I tell her that if she has nothing to hide than she shouldn't mind it (thats passive agressive and wrond, I know). But anyway, the question is, when I find stuff out do I mention it to her at all. I'm supposed to expose the affair and all that, but shouldn't I just keep my evidence to myself. The reason being that when I bring anything up to her it starts a huge fight, even if I bring it up to her really nicely in a conversational please explain this to me manner. She just denies, denies, denies. So do I tell her when I find stuff out or not??? Doing it seems to make Plan A impossible because she has even said herself that what really makes her want to get away from me right now is that I'm investigating her and "holding her captive". How do I handle it, and what is the point of driving myself crazy snooping if I'm never going to bring it up because Plan A can't coexist with me uncovering her transgressions.

Ok, my last post was too long so I will post my question again:

Do you mention things you uncover or question the WS about what she is doing during Plan A??

I am trying to be nice and loving, but then she'll say just putting her coat on, I'll say where are you going, she'll say out with "Ashley", a different friend, not the OW. I will of course respond with my typical "yeah right, sure, Ashley, ok", because I know thats not who she is with.

So do I talk about her activities at all, or just let them go and do plan A when she decides to come home from her galavants with God knows who.

Please someone respond, this is the last bit of advice I need to help my sanity in trying to get through this and live a somewhat normal life.

Deewhit

From what I understand you are to Plan A until you have enough evidence to expose the affair! Until then, don't mention anything to her.

Especially, don't make comments like this, I would take this as a LBer! Do you have enough evidence to expose now? have you come up with a plan of action?

This is a homosexual affair?

Tell us more about your marital history.

Everything has already been exposed. She says she wants to be with me now and that the A is over. I dont believe it at all because she is acting more suspicious now than ever. Going out really late, sometimes not coming home at all, saying she needs time and space etc to figure things out.

Plan A is not before exposure, its supposed to make the spouse choose you or at least see you as good before you do plan B.

MY SIMPLE QUESTION IS DO YOU BRING UP THINGS YOU FIND OUT WHILST YOU ARE DOING PLAN A????

It seems as though I will get her close by being loving and stuff, but then drive her away with the first hint of investigation or line of questioning.

For example, last night she went to a [censored] book store (the affair was a lesbian one) and spent 30 bucks (i saw right away on online bank activity). To be more Plan Aish I didnt question her right away. I let her bring it up by showing me a couple books she got. The books weren't lesbian in nature, one was bathroom humour, the other about some artist she likes. However, looking at the prices on the back of the books it is clear that they dont even add up to half of what she spent. There are no other books in the house or car, I REALLY want to ask "is that all you bought" but I know that will piss her off because she hate me keeping tabs on her.

My suspicion (of which I'd say I'm 95% sure of at this point because she has given me ZERO reason to trust her since the affair) is that she was at the [censored] bookstore with her [censored] girlfriend and the rest of the money (my hard earned money btw) went to lessy books for that biatch or perhaps some adult sex toys of which they have tons of at that disgusting store.

I played it cool though, and didn't say anything. We kissed goodbye before work this morning, but of course it is eating me up inside. This is the first time I have suspected or known something that I didn't bring up to her or try to find out more about throught questioning. Did I do the right thing??

PS. this example is like 1/1000th of the things she does every day that are extremely questionable and downright hurtful (such as not coming home at night without an explanation)

Sorry, yes its a homosexual affair. My wife is one messed up cookie. Here is the original thread I posted in another section of the forum:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3030993