You are right Lem, I have taught him how to treat me. I allowed him to treat me like crap for the last 9 months. It feels good to take back my life, take back control. But at the same time I am still a little sad that I had to walk away from him and his behavior to teach him how to treat me. It would be nice (in a perfect world I guess) if he would have done it all on his own b/c he loves me.

But I don't want that split personality, cheating H anymore, I want a man that loves, respects and cherishes me, I just hope it turns out to be my H.

This is always a big controversy around here. I added a deadbolt lock for my added safety because I am alone more often. His name is on the deed, there is no legal separation here in NJ either. I don't know if its legal....and if he asks for a key I may have to give him one. ..THEN a will put another lock on the door.

It sends a strong message...you are not kidding...you are protecting what is yours.

Have somebody else pick up the kids today. Stay strong and stay dark! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

What do I do if WH is putting my kids in the middle? They are only 8 and 6 and he is questioning them on who I am talking to on the computer. What kind of work am I doing, what kind of stuff am I writing, etc. The only thing I do on the computer is post on this website.

As soon as I dropped them off this morning they said he started asking them all about the stuff I mentioned above.

I finally sat down and told them that I'm not talking to daddy right now b/c it hurts me too much and I told them that daddy likes another woman and it is hurting mommy and mommy can't be around daddy right now.

He did corner me when I picked them up (I had noone at work to pick them up, the other 2 girls left early today)the only way for me to get away from him was to run over him with my car. He first tried to get me to come in the apt. he kept looking through the blinds and motioning for me to come in. He was trying to be funny, he also wouldn't let the kids come out of the apt. I just ignored him and sat in the car. Then he realized I wasn't budging and came out. Yes, plan B is even harder then I thought when they put you on the spot.

He wanted to know why he couldn't go on the trip to take our kids to Arkansas on Friday. He thought it was a good time for us to talk. I told him we had nothing left to talk about, my letter says everything I need to say and maybe he needs to read it again. He went on and on rehashing everything. How do I know it will work, why don't I just realize it would be best for both of us to get divorced and move on. What if he wants to start fresh with OW. I don't realize what his feelings are for OW. She cares about him too much to let him go. We never had that exciting fun fresh love for each other b/c we had a baby right after we got married. The same [censored] all over again.

He told me I'm doing the right thing by not talking to him that way he can't hurt me anymore. He doesn't want to come home and have to answer questions. He doesn't believe I can get over the affair, everything he has looked at says a marriage can't work after an affair. I'm just reading stuff that tells me what I want to hear.

Ugh... I'm so pissed at myself for not running him over. 1st freakin day and I blew it.

~next time~

put the radio on high and blast music if he tries this again

windows up
doors locked

if he tries to breech your zone ~~~> lay on the horn until people come out to see what the racket is all about .. continue to blast music & car horn until he walks away (cursing your name <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

toughen up

you have the right to avoid him
you can wear ear plugs
you can turn away and not look at him
you can make enough noise that others will run out (instead of yelling 'help' ... try yelling 'security'.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

if he crosses your zone
and you get the attention of others, file a restraining order to keep him away from you .... you now have witnesses that you tried to get him to stop harassing you but he would not stop

Pep

Wow. One day of plan B and he kicked it over like a dry sandcastle...

What changes do you need to make so that he's not calling the shots? A failed plan B is disastrous.

do you know why he was trying to be funny and then telling all that crap that insults your marriage? Because it worked for the last 9 months, and it still works.

Think about that.

He's not trying to make you laugh.

He's not trying to actually discuss anything.

He's just proving to himself that he can take control when he needs it. And he did.

You are exactly right. All I can do is pick myself up, learn from this and keep going. I thought I was strong enough and I underestimated him.

Nobody can kick me as much as I'm already kicking myself. Not just b/c I blew it on the first day but b/c I allowed myself to be dragged back into one of those nasty conversations.

IAD....it happens. So now you plan. You said the only way you could have gotten away from him was to run him over. The problem with that was?????Oh, guess you're right the kids would have seen.

Now you know plan B even a tiny taste of it bothers him. Expect the unexpected. Don't beat yourself up. Just try not to let it happen again. You will have to be careful what you tell the kids....so they don't have to lie...they can't give information they don't have.

Tomorrow is another day....is there someone that can drop off or pick up?

THINK DARK!!! AND CHANGE THE LOCKS!

In a daze...

pep is right...get creative about NOT talking to him..

then you get to spend five more minutes rehashing what he said....

blah blah blah..
lots of drama...lots of loaded statements to get your gut twisted...

lots of mixed messages...

the philosopher.....how do you know if it will or won't work

the ask mommy's permission ...why don't WE divorce...(uh if you want a divorce..who is stopping you...baby ?)

the revisionist... we never had this or that...

the victim...HE can't end cause SHE won't let him....

blah blah blah..

what a bunch of mixed message meaningless schlock...

and don't you dare rise to any of them...

smile
batt your eyes
flip your hair....

Infact...consider making a nice mix titled alien encounters...

you could have such songs as

I will survive
I got friends in low places.
your nobody called today...
just walk on by


and each time he engages...blast him....with some good ones...

he's just dipped his big toe in the big no contact pool..and already pulled out big guns of I need your attention...

each statement he threw at you was one meant to get a REACTION from you....

he hasn't even gotten plan B wet yet..

this is NOT a game..
this is you saying...
all you said is yours to ruminate in and decide...dear husband

I have chosen none of those routes...

ARK

Yup...your Plan B letter certainly has gotten his attention.

Think about what everyone has posted here about way of avoiding contact.

In my boundaries course I learned how to walk away. Simple concept and yet so many of us don`t do it.

I do it now.

Your H can only talk to you if you remain standing there to listen.

About blasting music in the car....I have been known to do that. It does work.

Walking away... obviously something I still need to learn how to do.

This morning I let the kids out and had them walk up to the door themselves and knock. When he answered he waved at me then shut the door. I did not acknowledge him and drove away.

I'm going to send a copy of my plan B letter to OW. Should I just send it as is or should I add anything addressing her. Like in SAA the sample plan B letter has a short note attached to the bottom addressed to OM saying that he is not giving up on his wife, etc.

I want to try to send this ASAP so any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

I know it says to send copy of pbl to OW in SAA. I did not. Since I'm not sure that they are actually in contact I didn't want to stir her up. I did tell OWH about it...he told me she had just asked for a D a couple weeks before.

You did good this morning with the drop off!

bump

Just checking in...I hope its nice and dark where you are!

When do you take the kids to see Grandparents?

I took the kids to Arkansas yesterday and just got back home this evening. I ended up driving by myself but not without WH trying really hard to get me to let him go with me. I stood my ground. He was crying before the kids and I left (he came over yesterday morning to say goodbye to them)partly from saying goodby to kids and partly b/c he got his first taste of consequences for his actions. He called the kids 2X yesterday.

I expected him to try to call me today on my drive to check on me but he didn't. He just texted me though to see if I made it home ok. I did not reply. It's hard not to but I won't.

I'm doing ok so far but am a little sad now that I'm back in the house and all alone. I miss my kids already.

Hey. Welcome back. I was hoping you'd check in and let us know if you made it back safely. I bet you're exhausted.

I know the house seems quiet, but ENJOY it. It doesn't happen often. When WH first left and would take the boys for a night, I'd feel soooo alone. Now, I enjoy the time I have to myself. (Well, not to myself anymore since I have the baby with me). They'll be back soon.

Take a bubble bath. Eat take-out in your pj's and watch a movie you've been wanting to see. GO to a movie by yourself. (This is fun to me, actually--you don't have to share the popcorn!)

I think you did good not to answer the text. If you're doing plan B, it's best to do it all the way and right from the get-go.

Hang in there.
Let me know if you'd like to do lunch again sometime.

Oh, and hugs.

Intexas

InTexas, good to hear from you. I would love to do lunch again. I thought about you as I was driving through your town today. I have my weekends free now so maybe we can get together one weekend.

Did you ever talk to you WH the other day? Was he still upset?

I'm sure I will get used to being all alone, the weekends will definately be hard. All of my friends have families of their own and are always busy on weekends. I don't have any single friends at all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am going to try to fill up my time by reorganizing and decorating my house. I stopped decorating when WH moved out b/c I was afraid to decorate and then have to move. I still may be moving soon but I have decided to go ahead and live my life in the moment instead of putting it on hold to see where I'm going to be living.

Yeah, I finally talked to him. But just once. He's called a million times since then, but I am ignoring the calls. I'm thinking of ordering an answer tone for my phone so when he calls, he can hear some great melody like "another one bites the dust" or something like that. I haven;t found the perfect song yet.

Being alone, well, it does get easier. I have moments when I love it. But I am never ever able to just get down time unless I give up something else. Computer time is my biggest pitfall--I spend time here when I should be writing the paper that is due Monday (the reason I got on the computer in the first place).

I redid my whole house since WH left--slowly and CHEAPLY (garage sales) but I love it. It's french country and really is "me." If you have to move, you can take the stuff to your new place. And it will eat your WH alive--mine STILL comments on how nice things look now.

I'm off to write that paper--it's about poverty in the educational system--fun stuff.

Intexas

InTexas,

Are you good at decorating? I have a hard time pulling everything together. Especially all of the small touches/accessories. Maybe you can come and give me some tips.