My wife told me that she slept with a man after our first sexual encounter (which was great, all nite love makin). I was told "I was the best she ever had", but 4 days later she goes down south and sleeps with a man (but she says it was for less than a minute). She tells me this after two years of marriage, but on the same weekend I was sexually assaulted by a good friends sister, and I told her I was talking to someone special at the time so sex was not on my mind so leave me alone! Do I have the right to feel that our whole marriage is corrupt, could someone please let me know if my feelings are justified because I know that if she would have told me that right after she did it theres no way in ****** I would have married or even talked to her again. How should I feel. Can be reached at globalkaos@gmail.com [color:"red"] [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I can understand your being upset.

However, one sexual encounter, no matter how fantastic, does not make a committed relationship. Apparently, your wife was not yet committed to you, as it sounds like y'all had just started dating. Although, I have to wonder if "talking to someone special" constitutes dating.

So, while I don't discount your pain over learning this, it WAS before you and your wife apparently became committed to each other, when both of you were free to date others.

It simply looks like you fell for her before she fell for you. Her commitment to you apparently came later and most likely was not based solely on a night of fantastic lovemaking.

What is important now, IMHO, is that you are committed to each other NOW. Has your wife been faithful and loving to your since you married? Do you love each other?

I think that you can tell your wife that this information hurts you, but that you still love her very much. And try to think of it this way. If she didn't love you, she wouldn't have married you.

I think relationships that were prior to your developing a committed relationship should remain in the past.

I know that my H had relationships prior to our marriage, but they don't concern me at all. The only relationships I have concerned myself with are the relationships he developed AFTER we became engaged and were married.

6722,

I just wanted to say ditto to what LC said to you.

What is really important is how she behaves now after engagement / marriage. The past is just that: Past.

LC: Eloquently put.

I C what U R saying but we had already talked, so much and discussed so many things, she said " It was no big deal", but I said if it wasn't truly a big deal why wouldn't U have told me about that, if it was "nothing", and that she didn't think I would mind. Does that make sense? I questioned her about everything she did down there, just like she questioned me when I went home, she questioned witnesses and her cousin, I could have easily slept with this other woman, but I have morals. But she never thought to say anything, I think that was very disrespectful, considering she wanted to confront the girl. And very dishonest, I'm not a liar or any of those things all I ever asked of her was to always tell me how she feels and to never lie to me. The bottom line is that we already were dating, it was established, for her to do something like that it makes me think how much does she lie or how much has she lied about, because she obviously doesn't have a problem keeping things hidden, it's all about a persons character, and right now I truly have serious doubts about her character, and the type of person she truly is. our first year of marriage it was long distance, now if she did that so early should I try to contact her friends to C if she was sleeping around on me? I s wanting to know that justified? All of her friends are ******, her best friend sucks different guys off on the average of once a week, and calls everyday to say she is in love with some guy who lets her blow them, her other best friend she has personally been intimate with but only foreplay, but this girl is married and they don't have a monogumous relationship by choice, now she didn't tell me these things until like 4 months ago, now should I assume that birds of a feather flock together, and that the only reason she moved from L.A. to fresno with me is to run from her ugly nasty past, is it like "he doesn't know me or what I'm known for down here so it makes it ok"? Wouldn't that send an alarm off in your head, prior to us getting married we both sat down and talked about the last time we were intimate with anyone other than us and she said it was like 9 months prior to me, thats b.s! I don't know I think this really hurts, her own mother told me to divorce her, and my mother in-law loves me like a son, even she knew she slept with this guy. It sucks, i can't get it outta my mind, it's like who is she! I am very much in love, and no matter what I'm here to stay, but it suck so much when U start out with a lie, because she knows that if she would have had the class 2 say something we would never have talked again. Cheating is cheating in the beginning in the end a cheat is a cheat, at 3 weeks into a relationship you know you would never have looked back if someone had done that to you. Yes or no? And no she hasn't been unfaithful after our marriage but I have had doubts.

You're feelings are your own...they don't need to be justified.

But... justified....doesn't make them right or wrong... and justification... isn't what makes a good marriage either.

Why would you have a long distance marriage for the first year?

What you have done... is shown your wife you can't be trusted when she shares things with you.

She'll never tell you anything again.

She got her hand slapped...and was scolded for having "less than perfect" sex.... with someone other than you?

I'm getting the distinct feeling you are very young.

You're posting on an infidelity sight...when there really wasn't any infidelity in your marriage.

If you're interested in building a better marriage..by all means... the principles here... are awesome..and really work.

But honestly?

You weren't even dating...you were "talking" .. there was no committment... there was no silent contract of exclusivity.

To use the phrase...that you were "sexually assaulted" ... but told the woman no... and then to go on to say you could have had sex with her.. is a little insulting to people who have truly been sexually assaulted. At best... she came on to you ... and you declined. Not uncommon..and not traumatic. Sexual assault...is serious stuff.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I must have missed this in my initial run through ...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Are you serious here?

These people have been married for years and years and years... they've felt the worst of betrayals.

Are you in the wrong place?

In my opinion -- feelings don't have to be justified -- they are what they are. However, like everyone else has said, there was NO betrayal here. To think that your "whole marriage is corrupt" because she had sex with another person prior to your marriage is a little over the top. No commitments were made by either one of you following your first sexual encounter. For you to say that if she had told you that she slept with another man that following weekend, you would have turned and never looked back, tells me that you must not have cared very much about her back then.

You are on a site where people have experienced the worst kind of betrayal and are fighting to hold onto their marriage. Your "tale of woe" pales in comparison. You say she has not been unfaithful to you during your marriage, so why relive this -- be grateful for what you have.

Your wife should have told you before you married. It was probably meaningless to her, but you had the right to know.

I'm curious, why does her mother say to divorce her? That is very strange to me.

Ok first off we had a long distance relationship because she was and still is in school at the time, I wanted her to complete school in L.A. Where she was comfortable and had plenty of supprot etc. I felt that that was a very unselfish thing to do, considering that she had a goal in life to one day be an electrical engineer. U say "she got her hand slapped" for sharing something with me, when I asked her why she didn't say something, she said " I was scared U wouldn't want to talk to me anymore, I really liked U and the way U made me feel, I made a mistake, I didn't want to lose U". I contacted a counselor and was told this a a major trust issue, and that it was not something small at all, but to U it doesn't matter as long as we weren't married, to me thats crazy, the only way U marry a person is if U love them want to take care of them trust them, but I don't think U would marry a person U couldn't trust, right? In your heart U R telling me that after 2 years of marriage, if your spouse told U the same it wouldn't bother U? Thats a lie, if U were in my shoes U would be thinking the same thing as me, in a marriage feelings should be mutual, I want the same amount of respect I give, thats not asking for a lot, this happened a year ago we've been married for over three years now, my love for my wife is unconditional, and when we got married I told her theres nothing to me that I don't think we could work through, I went to counseling and didn't follow the advice given because I felt my marriage and family are the most important thinhgs in the world to me. I never said she betrayed me, I said there was a feeling. betrayed in jersey U didn't answer the question the quote, which says a lot, U know the answer to that question and so do I right? My wife is my best friends cousin, so from jump street everything was very delicate, we talked for a long time about countless things, i would visit her twice a month, but I never crossed that sexual line until we had reached a certain point, the man she slept with is a person who she says "she thought she loved" but was wrong. there was quite a commitment here, she asked me "to be a part of her life" and I said I'd love that. In life when people do things and they know the consequences for doing such, 90% won't say anything until backed into a corner, and it sucks to find things out that way, where this took place she has a lot of family and everyone knows about what happened, the man is now married, and is now going through a very bitter divorce because this "little" thing has surfaced where they live, it's the same situation, but the outcome is so different from mine. But my counselor said always look at things from a womans point of view, to me this wasn't that big of a deal, but to this other mans wife she said " if he and she are capable of doing this and keeping it locked away so long what else are they capable, me personally I don't want to know" which does make a lot of sense. And I am young but different people have different levels of tolerance, some people accept being walked on and beaten down emotionally and thats not my fault, a marriage is what U make it. And after talking for 6 months and then finally dating for nearly a month I can honestly say I had a lot of love for my wife, but to say I didn't care for her very much is wrong, because if she would have told me what happened, I would have been hurt which means that I do care, and if someone would cheat like that when only dating what more could I truly expect in a marriage, does that make sense, my wife is reading this and says it does, and sexual assault is anything from being touched to unwantingly to rape, I am a cop so I do know what sexual assault is, and I don't know if you've ever had someone come up benhind U and forcefully touch you from your chest to your private, but when U don't want it, it feels totally wrong. I thank you for your time everyone, I feel very good about my decision to put this behind me, you've all made it that much more easy, because some people in my life refuse to and there not even married to my wife. Her mother told me that I am really nice and she knows that I truly care for her, and that she's never dealt with a man like me in a relationship, and that she doesn't know how to treat a man like me, she "doesn't want to C me get hurt. But I'm in love, Thanks!

A lie ? Are you kidding me here? Well ... compared to having my H having an A.. YEARS after we were married.. it would be welcome to me at this point ! I'd be thrilled to find out that in fact..no he didn't have an affair.



My very first sentence in my reply...answered your question... straight forward answer. Go back and read it again.



Again...you're posting this on an infidelity site... in the Just Found Out forum... read the threads around yours... there are people here..that have been beaten down..emotionally...by finding out that their spouse has been unfaithful to them.. many... this is happening to as we speak.



I was sexually molested as a child... I'm pretty sure I know how it feels.

I hope you realize this happened before your wife committed to you. That doesn't make it right.. perhaps.. a lie by ommission...but none the less... it happened before she committed to the relationship. She admitted to wanting to "talk" to you more... but thought she might be "in love" with the other guy. Well she made a choice...and she chose you..and continued to talk to you until she fell in love with you... and now she KNOWS it's love...or she probably wouldn't have married her.

I'll wish you well...

....perhaps you'd find better help in the PreMarriage and Early years section...up higher in the forums. The Infidelity forum...may be a little harder for you to get good advice in this situation.