It’s been a while. Things are moving forward in my life now. I think I am at the point where I am accepting the things that I cannot change, even though this has meant some very painful experiences for me.

MIL’s parents both died within three months of each other very recently. I was unable to go to either of the funerals firstly because OW was staying with STBX at MIL’s place then and I couldn’t afford a hotel room and also because I couldn’t take the children out of school. So I was unable to pay my respects to these two dear old people whom I had known and loved for 15 years. Yet OW, who barely knew them, once again, took my place. I raged and cried about this, but finally accepted I could do nothing, and I was making myself ill, so I had to stop. Most importantly, MIL said she understood why I couldn’t be there and knew I’d be there in spirit. I really wish I could have been there for her, though.

Then, about two weeks ago, just as the kids had broken up for half term, the stress and turmoil of the past year finally took its toll on me and I was admitted to hospital with a nasty Crohns flare-up. I had been adamant with STBX that there would be no overnights at his place with OW until we were divorced, but circumstances took over. It was an emergency - I called STBX (spoke to OW for the first time!) and he came over to pick the girls up. We met at the door, he took the girls. He didn’t even ask what was wrong with me, if I was OK, if I wanted a lift to the hospital.

I was in for 5 days. The girls came to see me a couple of times, but they spent most of the time visiting MIL with STBX and OW. When the girls did come to see me, STBX and OW stood outside the ward, waiting for them to come out. I didn’t see her, but I knew she was there. I couldn’t believe that she would come up to the ward like that, what had it to do with her – why couldn’t she just stay home, stay away? Again, I had to accept, accept, accept.

The divorce will be final in a couple of weeks. I still don’t know what I am going to do afterwards. There is the possibility of someone new in my life now, someone I have known for 25 years, who says he has loved me his whole life. He wants to take care of me and the girls, and I know he is a very good person. But it’s a little too soon for that now. One step at a time!

That’s my update. It sounds a little more depressing than things actually are, I guess, because I am doing OK. I wish I were healthier. I wish that STBX and OW could show just the tiniest bit of respect and consideration for me. I wish that none of this had happened. But it has. And I do accept it.

Nobody can say you didn't try Alph. That reflection of yours should carry a proud expression.

Sorry about your H never pulling his head out, and particularly about circumstances forcing Tartilla Espanol to play happy mommy with your kids.

Did you not go to live near your parents in the end ?

You're right that the new bloke is a bit soon. Is the guy you dumped for STBX ?

All blessings
{{{{Alph}}}}

Hi bob!

No, someone else. I know I have to take things slowly. I certainly don't want to ruin a 25 year friendship on a whim. And the D isn't quite final yet either. I want to do things properly.

Alph.

(( A ))

I am sorry about your recent illness

I am up in the wee hours today because my disease is kicking up a little as well ... nothing as serious as yours dear girl....

I detest your STBX & COW-OW

(((Pep)))

I noticed you'd bumped my thread up in Divorcing... you said you had a strong feeling something was going on...

One distressed bowel to another?

You are amazing! I'm sorry you're feeling poorly too.

Alph.

Kind of bitter/sweet post if you know what I mean. The most important thing Alph is that you remain healthy. So sorry about your recent bout of illness and I really hope you are on the mend now. It took my WH 2 yrs after Dday to wake up to all his destruction so it's still early days for your WH! All the very best, TT

Incidentally, watched a good British film last night, "Keeping Mum". It was A related but with a happy ending and a great twist! Maggie Smith, Rowan Atkinson, Patrick Swaze (sleazy US golf coach). Maybe I'm twisted, but I enjoyed it. TT

yeah

should have said

"I've got a GUT feeling"

BWHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

actually

I feel a little better

think I will go back to bed

it's 3:18 AM for me

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Thinking of you, Alph.

You're a survivor, stay strong.

WAT

Thank you WAT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I'm getting stronger every day.

Alph.

{{{{{{Alphin}}}}}}}

Another update - one that really shocked me. STBX was supposed to have been paying CS since October. I received one small back payment in March (it takes the CSA a loooonnng time to sort the payments out) - then nothing. I assumed that I wouldn't receive any other money because I am on welfare - the CSA basically takes the money from the 'absent parent' and he pays for me to be on welfare.

Nevertheless, I called them today. Turns out STBX hasn't sent any money to the CSA since October.

I am so angry. All this time, I have been 'making allowences' for him, thinking that money must be tight with all he was sending to the CSA, even though I wasn't seeing any of it! He's been telling the girls for months that he can't buy them shoes/clothes etc, that they have to ask me for these things, because he doesn't have the money. I just can't understand where it's all going.

The CSA are issuing a final demand for payment, including back payments from November. If he doesn't/can't pay, he'll end up in court. He's heading there already because my solicitor is going to have to force him to make a financial disclosure. I applied for mediation so that we could discuss the children/finances, and he refused that as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

What can I do? I just can't imagine what kind of life he must be living now - where is all the money going? Me and kids certainly aren't seeing any of it. He's still paying the mortgage, but that probably won't continue much longer either.

Stupid, stupid STBX !!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin - when he's run all his cards up to their limits, had a court summons for CSA back-payments, can no longer afford to have 'fun' with OW, and is up to his eyeballs in debt, I think OW won't find him quite so attractive anymore. Just my guess.

I seriously hope you are considering taking up your parents' generous offer. You and the girls deserve to be surrounded by love and support (esp with your health problems) instead of the ongoing turmoil he inflicts on you. Take care. TT

Completely agree with TT. Go live near your folks, and let your legal team & the CSA keepup the pressure of fantasyland. 25 yer mate isn't worth staying in [censored] city for.

At least STBX's making it easy for you to lose your love for him by being such a pillock.

I also agree with TT.

I'll add - no more mediation!!

Let the slow wheels of justice turn.

JMHO

WAT

TT, b0b and WAT...

How long can a pair of ostriches keep their heads under the sand? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Bob, you're right, he has made it easy for me to lose my love for him. Respect went first, love followed soon after. More and more I'm wondering what I ever saw in him...

WAT - mediation never even got started! I arranged it twice, to try and avoid going to court, and he refused it twice (said he couldn't afford it, not interested in talking etc etc). Why he thinks that court is the cheaper option is beyond me. Not only does he have to pay for his own representation there but mine too!

I wonder if Omelette knows he isn't paying anything towards his children? Perhaps she supports this stance - doesn't think that her man should be paying anything towards his family, especially when the money should be going straight to me.

I have been warned that, with the CS debt mounting (£3000+ now), STBX is likely to stop paying the mortgage very soon. So I'll certainly stay here until that happens.

If the bank forcloses, I'll have no second thoughts about leaving this area forever. I'll feel no guilt about telling my children why we have to leave, either. I have been far to generous towards their father already. I think they need to know the truth about him.

Alph.

I think they need to know the truth about him.

DEAR GOD yes they do.

"never protect anyone from the consequences of their decisions"

If you CAN detach a little, just watch and smile from a safe distance as Arsehat and Tartilla Espanol 's cosy fanstasy turns to sh*t. Schardenfreude can be righteous fun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi Alph! Sorry about all the continued mess and your health. Please consider moving. I think your health would benefit greatly.

[color:"red"] I detest your STBX & COW-OW [/color]