Last Wednesday I signed the final divorce papers with my atty. The D should be final this week. I feel like I'm waiting for an axe to fall.

Last Friday was supposed to be the first time that the girls spent their weekend with STBX (he is having them two weekends a month and every Wednesday for dinner).

On 'his' weekends, STBX is supposed to be responsible for them from Friday mornings onwards - if they fall ill at school, he is supposed to pick them up etc etc. This also means that because he works he won't be able to pick DD6 up from school, so he has to arrange for her to go to the out of school club, a kind of out of hours day care centre situated right next to the school - very convenient for working parents.

Anyway, I have been insistent that he arrange this. He wanted me to pick DD6 up from school on Fridays and he could collect the girls from my place. If I have to be responsible for the girls until Friday afternoon, then that's a whole day in the weekend that I don't have to myself - and after more than a year of being a single mother to two girls with NO help from their deadbeat father I am really ready for some time to myself!

STBX has known he would have to arrange this for months. The girls were all excited last week, expecting to spend their first weekend with their dad. Come Thursday, we hadn't heard anything from him. The girls had to phone him themselves and be told that, no - he hadn't made the arrangements yet. I had insisted that they couldn't spend weekends with their dad until he had sorted this out, so they stayed with me last weekend. Again, I am the bad guy in their eyes!

Last night DDs and I were eating dinner, after they returned from an afternoon with STBX and OW. DD6 suddenly piped up happily 'When OW has a baby, I won't be the little one any more!' I asked her if OW had said she wanted to have a baby, and she said that she had. Seems a very strange thing to say to a six year old, but nothing surprises me any more. Anything to normalise her destructive relationship with their father.

I knew that STBX and OW wanted to have kids together, but hearing this from DD6 did cut deep. I spent yesterday evening in a pretty bad mood, but I'm over it this morning. I know I can probably never have any more children, and right now I'm certain I don't want any more, but OW is only in her late 20s. STBX will be in his forties when he starts dealing with sleepless nights and diapers again. And financially - how could they cope? He isn't even paying CS for the children he has already! He's up to his eyeballs in debt, he's being taken to court for non payment of CS and non-disclosure of finances.

What a mess from which to bring a child into the world. No wonder I'm not getting any money from him, and no wonder he wants me to pay off half his debts for him. No wonder he wants dual custody - he won't have to pay CS then! THE OW WANTS ALL HIS MONEY FOR HER NEW FAMILY, AND DOESN'T WANT ANY OF IT GOING TO THE OLD FAMILY - ESPECIALLY NOT TO THE EX-WIFE!!!

Alph.

Yuk Alphin. You know, one of my worst fears just after Dday was OW getting pregnant and the child being a boy. I knew they weren't using birth control and I dreaded her giving him something I hadn't. Not that I wanted a boy - I'm delighted with my daughters - it was just the only thing he could get from her that was different. It never happened thank God.

As for the money mess, I'd be incredibly worried just like you. The only reason we're not in debt up to our eyeballs is that, as expats, our rent is paid by my husband's company.

Alphin, he will wake up to his destruction one day. Too late of course, but if he was a good man once he'll live with that burden for the rest of his life. A friend's mum recently had a phonecall from her estranged husband of 26 years. Told her that he was sorry and never a day had gone by when he hadn't thought of her. Better late than never!! In the meantime, this woman has become an ardent charity worker and does wonders in Africa and Asia. Said she'd never have moved in that direction if it hadn't been for their split. Good can come out of bad situations and I know you will be very happy again. Take care and look after yourself - your health is your wealth. TT

Ditto! I am also so delighted with my own daughters - they couldn't be better in my eyes, but I know that STBX has always wanted a son to go to football matches with!

What a strapping lad he'd be, too - with both STBX and OW measuring in at around 6 foot and 14 stone a piece.

Strange, but this morning, now that the 'shock' has worn off, I find myself hoping that STBX and OW can beat the odds and make a go of it - if there is going to be another child involved. I wouldn't want their child to go through what mine have. All children are precious and deserve two parents around who love them.

I am doing much better health wise - piling on the pounds with steroids unfortunately!

Wow - 26 years is a long time to wait for that 'sorry'. It's great to know that so much good can come out of such a horrible situation, though. Even I am beginning to feel excited about my new life - sometimes, anyway!

Alph.

dear dear Alphin, I've been thinking of you and I'm so sorry to hear such hurtful words concerning kiddies from OW/ the ex.

I know my ex wants to have kiddies with OW. I wonder how he'll manage it since he's finances are in dire straits.

I've sent you an email. And I'll be posting a short update here too.

My close friends keep telling me to think positively and I do try to do that. Coz the converse is not healthy at all. So I believe that things will turn out OK, if not better, in the end. I believe that for you too.

(( hugs ))

~A

Quote: "What a strapping lad he'd be, too - with both STBX and OW measuring in at around 6 foot and 14 stone a piece".

I just got an image of Shrek & Princess Fiona! Except that they were cute of course!

It's amazing - you're all cute and small and your STBX went after an amazon and I'm on the voluptuous side and my WH went after a little petite tart. No rhyme nor reason to all this madness.

I'm sorry you are having to use steroids. I know they work wonders in the short term but I hope you don't have to be on them for too long. TT

Hey Ashley! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your kind words. I knew they wanted to have children together - or rather, OW wants to have children with STBX (I can't imagine, deep down, that he's relishing another 20 years of parental responsibility, especially since he's completely broke).

I also try to think positively. I manage it most of the time. My D will be final this week, probably, although I still have a long way to go before the finances are sorted out.

Alph.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hey Alph

Every day, a novel new punch to the gut.

It doesn;t matter but please try to remember how affair dynamics work. Aggressively playing happy families helps salve STBXHs screaming conscience. After all if they're a proper 'family' with kids and everything it's a love story ending in a legitimate family, right ?

I'm 42 and the thought of nappies and disturbed sleep about now horrifies me.

All blessings.

Hey b0b.


Yeah. But they don't leave me winded and reeling like they used to. In fact, I barely flinch these days. Rock-hard emotional abs! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

STBX is a very old soon-to-be 40. He's overweight, unfit and he drinks and smokes too much (as far as I know, he used to anyway). Still, OW seems the type who will do the whole mother thing herself anyway - he only needs STBX for the sperm and the rest will all be her, for the next 20 years.

I don't know where the money will come from to support this new family, though. From what his atty says, it sounds like STBX expects his disabled ex-wife on welfare to pay for it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin,

it's good to hear from you.

Once you are divorced and can see your life for your own, I hope you will find happiness. The limbo situations where you are still tied to your WH don't help, but I'm sure you will have a great life once you are free.

God doesn't allow these things unless He has a reason, your job is to recognize and accept those reasons.

Even though I'm not seeking divorce, I am happy now and even if I heard that OW was pregnant I'm sure I would only feel extremely sorry for them all: WH (who hates babies and small children and is now 50) and the child because it would have parents who are so cowardly and sick. And even OW, because she would be stuck with a child, when she has no maternal instinct.

I'm happy because I have a whole new life before me, to do with as I please. I already have my family, I love my daughters and they are now young women who manage their own lives, so I am free to have my own. It's actually an incredible feeling, very exciting.

You will do well, you have the spirit.

Hey Alphin, good to hear from you. I can sympathize so much with your situation. Some of the things my DD's say can be so very hurtful. But I am at least glad that they are feeling less gloom and doom and can see some light at the end of the tunnel. The OW getting pregnant is one of my nightmares. WH is just winging it, he has no plan or goals, so I doubt he is really planning anything and OW gets to call the shots in the breeding arena.

Take care of yourself, I hope that something evens out soon for you so you don't feel such stress. Keep us posted.

It doesn't bother me like it used to, to be honest, because I know that things really are over between us. I know he'll never come back. And I am OK with that now. When they marry (I think they will) it will hurt, but only a little and for a short time. When they have children, I might dwell for a while on what might have been between us, but not for long.

I don't think that STBX has much of a say about anything in his relationship with OW. She pretty much runs everything. If she wants to get married, they will. If she wants kids, they'll have them. And if she wants out of the relationship, it's over.

Alph.

One month after STBX was meant to be having the girls for overnights, STBX still hasn't made the appropriate arrangements.

All he has to do is make one five minute visit to a daycare centre, so that DD6 can be looked after on alternate Fridays after school until he can pick her up after work.

He seems unable/unwilling to do this. The girls want to spend more time with their dad. After 15 months of caring exclusively for my girls as a single mom, I want some 'me' time (I've bought new shoes and everything <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> )! STBX allegedly wants to spend more time with his children.

WHY ISN'T HE MAKING IT HAPPEN??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

This is the man who wants 50/50 custody. It's ridiculous - he can't even manage to arrange for every other weekend!

As Pebbles used to say... Stupid, stupid aliens. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alph

I think you haven't realised yet that for an affair to exist, the WS needs to be overridingly selfish for a while.

For an affair to exist for as long as your H's, the WS has to beat their decency empathy and responsibility to death with a shovel.

Do not expect any level of decency or responsibility from your H not even regarding the kids. He is DELIBERATELY killing these conscience-pricking emotions so he can sleep at night.

I'm sorry Alph, but I can see you being the only decent, competent and responsible parent for a long time yet, though I agree you deserve some 'you' time.

Move near your folks. Get all the 'you' time you need. That'll test how much STBXHCA (soon to be x husband current arsehat) wants to have the kids. I suspect, limply, that he'll do a couple of gesture weekends then become an estranged dad, particularly when tartzilla espana finds herself up the duff .

WS are just sh1t Alph.

{{{Alph & girls}}}

Thanks bob.


Yeah, but I thought that part of that selfishness was STBXHCA ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ) pretending with OW that they and the girls were one big happy family. That they were eager to prove that their love was strong and fine and not really a sordid affair at all.


Sadly, I agree. My poor girls.

Yup, WS are complete sh1t, bob.

Alph.

Tartzilla espana ? LOL Bob !

Dear Alphin,
I'm so sorry you keep being confronted with all this.
No wonder your bowls are "getting in a knot" from trying to process all this cràp that's being fed to you.

For me, it's "just" the dog that we are co-parenting now. One the one hand I'd rather not have any contact with XRWHCA (:D) but on the other hand I do feel that things are changing now. Last time I had to go and pick up the dog at our old home, where X still lives. I never quite knew how to feel about being back there. It's weird, I had this whole (new) house decorated and arranged... choose the furniture, the colors, the kitchen, everything.. then had to let it go because I couldn't afford it on my own... to have new GF sit in "my" chair now. It hurt.
But yesterday - I walked in and felt totally calm and indifferent. I felt in POWER again. Wow, did that ever feel good ! I'm getting in a good place in my life again, a life X has no place in anymore except for dog-sitting, which he likes and which is convenient for me. Hah.

I hope you'll get in a good place too Alphin.
Take time for yourself.
If Zorro can't make time for your kids - then I hope you can occasionnaly have someone else take care of them so you get some alone-time ?

Btw where do you live my dear ?