So, I just officially find out 6-6-06 that my wife has committed adultrey. We have been married for almost two years and I really need some advice/help. Sorry if this is too long, but I am not sure how to truncate this.

I began noticing the signs about a month ago. She spent more time on the computer and said that she was keeping a journal that was password protected because she wanted it to be private. I noticed many phone calls to one number. She lost some weight. She sent and received more text messages then she ever had before.

I must digress and say leading up to this point, our marriage has not been the best. Our intimacy was having major problems and our sex life was almost non existent. I wasn't quite sure what the problem was, but now I think it was because I was/am suffering from anxiety/stress/depression and did not know what was wrong with me. I could not seperate my work from home and was always under a great amount of stress. I think I was not meeting her emotional needs and place blame on myself for her finding those needs somewhere else.

So we had a long talk on Monday about our relationship and where we were going. I told her that I have been trying to deal with my problems and had ordered some items to help me learn to cope with my stress and I wanted to do everything possible to make things better. The conversations we have had in the past few weeks made me feel like she had given up on me and was just laying the foundation to end our marriage.

I confronted her Monday and flat out asked if she was cheating or if there was someone else. She looked me right in the eye and said no. Unfortunately, all the signs were there, and knowing how cheaters can and will deny and deny and deny, I had to find out for myself. I found a letter on the computer yesterday morning and was able to open it. It was from the person she has been cheating with and it made reference to him liking to make out with her.

I had all of the emotions running through my mind, but maybe was rational at the same time because it was not out of the blue. I had fears/thougts for the past few weeks that this was happening. I called her at work and asked if she could come home early to talk. She said about what, and I told her I knew what was going on. 'Going on wih what?'. I told her I was not stupid, but just had to hear it from her mouth. She sent me an e-mail two minutes later asking 'what was it that you wanted me to tell you about?'. I replied 'Everything'. She replied 'Everything about what'. I did not reply and she called a few minutes later saying she would be home.

She came home and I generally told her that I felt she was lying and I knew what was going on, but had to hear it from her. She told me 'yes', I have been cheating. Reading on sites, I knew that I shoudl not pry for details, but curiosity getting the best of me, and needing to know how bad, I asked a few questions about how long it has been going on and who knew about it. She also made the sterotypical comment 'I still love you, but know if I am in love with you'.

I then told her that I loved her, I cared about her and that I was very hurt and humiliated but wanted to fix our marriage. I told her over and over how much she meant to me and how important our marriage was to me. We had already scheduled an appt. to go to counseling next monday before finding out about this. I asked her if she was still willing to go. She said yes. I asked her if she could break it off with this person so we could begin to heal and move forward with our life. She hesitated and went into the 'I don't know what is wrong with myself. There are things about myself I need to find out. I don't know why I did this. I think I have a problem' I repeated that the only way we could fix things was for her to end it with this person. She basically implied she didn't know if she could do that. I asked her what I was supposed to do as it was not fair to me.

Later that night, after she had spent several hours at her cousins, I talked to her and reaffirmed that I wanted to work things out and fix the problems we had. I told her I loved her and would be by her side to help her. I told her I was a fighter and loved her so much that I was not going to give up on her even though at times it feels like she has given up on me. She had already taken the rest of the week off and said that she needed to go somewhere for 'some time for herself' so she could figure out what was going wrong. I told her that I supported her and wanted to do whatever it took to help things and if that was what she needs to do, I am supportive of that.

She said she did not want to go to her parents 'because they love her unconditionally'...which I am not sure what that means. I woudl think that you would want to go to place that gives you that. She decided to go West to a friends house. She booked a flight and left this morning. Throughout this, I kept telling her I loved her and was in support of whatever she thought she needed to do for herself to get better and us to start healing.

Basically what it comes down to is that she cannot make a decision between me and this other person. So now, I am an emotional wreck. (Luckily, I was able to get an appt. for a therapist tomorrow afternoon which should help) I am in limbo and cannot concentrate on anything but this and had to take the week off work as well. She told me last night that she could not give me the answer I needed right now and that she had to go away to have some time for herself. She said she would call to let me know she arrived safely.

So I guess where I need advice is if I should communicate with her at all while she is out there, or not at all. I told her I was going to fight for her, but at the same time, if she needs her space, I don't want to smother her. She made comments all throughout this process that I had to learn to love myself before she could love me. She felt she was providing love for me that I could not for myself. She may have a valid point, but at this point, I should feel very angry and beating myself up, but with the help of parents, I know that I love myself and I know this is not my fault.

Sorry this is so long, but I really could use someone to dialogue with that may have gone through this. I took someones suggestion by posting this rather then perusing other ones that may be similar to mine.

I really love this women and want to make it work, and I have some optimism because I think there is a part of her that still loves me and wants to be with me. I told her I could forgive in time. She asked if in 5 years I would throw this back in her face and I assured her absolutely not. I am not trying to play games and am not looking for a card to use on her. I am looking to keep the woman I fell in love with.

I guess I am rambling now, but any advice on what to do between now and when she returns Sunday night would be appreciated. The Monday counseling session cannot come soon enough and every mintue feels like an hour, every hour a day. It is anguising not being able to talk to her right now.

That's code for, "I'm going to go somewhere I can conduct my adultery without you interfering." There's a real good chance she's gone to a friend who will enable the adultery and allow your wayward wife (WW) to meet the other man (OM) there. It's happened a zillion times before.

In my signature block, there's a link to a thread about organizing a recovery plan. I suggest you read it so you can understand where you are and where you need to be. You have to have a strategy for saving your marriage. A haphazard approach isn't going to cut it. Read, then come back with as much information as you know about this other man, how they met, etc., etc.

Sorry you're here, man, but you've come to the right place. People who post here have already been through what you're facing and come out the other side sane and whole. This is your support group while you work on your relationship. Welcome.

Please read what Longhorn has written. He is right on the money. I would make sure that the both of you be checked for STD's as soon as possible. The fact that this could happen so soon after your marriage of only two years is a very bad sign of course. Is the OM married? If so, you need to contact his girlfriend or wife and expose the affair for what it is. I wish you luck.

Hey Matt

Welcome to MB...sorry you are here.

The trip to find herself is, as Longhorn said, likely a ruse to meet up with OM. What she really wants is to meet him and "decide"; but she'll never decide. Instead she'll escape further into the fantasy and indecision of her affair. Picture a crack addict taking a trip to the crack house...think they ever come back "better"?

Who is OM??? Is he married??? Are your finances secured??? Is she accountable for her time on this "trip"??? Where is OM now???

My wife took off after D-day on a 2 week trip to ostensibly think, find herself, and end things with OM. None of that actually happened. However, in that 2 week period I found MB just as you have and MB eventually saved our marriage. Use the next few days to read, read, read. Ask questions. Move this thread to Infidelity - Gen'l Questions II (the most active board where you'll get the most responses).

Further, all MB advice is about YOU. Without a healthy you nothing works. Eat properly and sleep. Start excersing. Book a massage to help alleviate the stress and distract your obsessive thoughts. Consider AD's to help you through this traumatic event.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering (see you on GQII)

I appreciate the response and the support of people that have experience with this. I am obviously totally lost.

I feel like she took this trip because she can't decide between the two of us and needed time away from both of us. The reason I am hesitant to think that it is to meet this guy is because she just booked the flight at 12:45 am this morning for a 7:00am flight from the midwest to the southwest (about 2,000 miles away from where this guy lives). The person she is staying with is a female friend that I know as well and I know she has respect for me.

I flat out told her during one of our discussions that if you have to tell me its over, tell me as that would only be fair to the both of us, but she could not do that either. So the fact that she cannot tell me its over, but cannot tell me she is willing to commit to me again made me assume that this trip was a flight response because she truly is in a mess that she does not know how to handle. I also found on the internet history that she was searching terms 'i want to keep having an affair' and 'how to end an affair' which leads me to believe she really, truly does not know what she wants and needs some time away from the whole situation.

I may be being naive, but it seems that she is trying to figure things out and having him or me there would make it more difficult.

I am going to read the link right now, but I can tell you this about the OM.

He used to work for the company my wife works for now. I don't know how old he is or if he is married. I did a public records search on him and do not think he is married. I think it began as a friendship where they talked alot on the phone and then started setting up secret meetings in the past six weeks. (He lives about three hours from our home, and about two hours from where she works, so I don't really know how many times they physically got together in the last couple months. There were only a couple occassions in the past couple months where I remember being suspicious about her plans. Girls night out, etc.) They have probably talked nearly every day in one form or another through e-mail and phone calls for the past two months, so I think is started as an emotional affair and has recently turned into something physical. I really do not even have evidence that they had intercourse, just assuming they did since my wife answered the question of cheating on me with 'yes'. I have evidence they made out and have been talking.

I will read that link right now, but if you could respond to my comments above, I would appreciate it.

Thanks again for the responses as I really need help getting through this.

Thanks MrWondering. Is there an easy way to move the thread, or do I have to post a copy?

Just cut and paste into a word file your initial posts and the responses and start a new thread over there. No need to include this response or your question above.

Clean it up to make it neat and tidy so nobody will be hesitant to read it due to it's length or because it's difficult to read. Also amend your signature line to indicate ages, years married and your d-day.

Fianlly, email me as I have something I want to share with you.

my email is below

Mr. W