So how long After a spouse changes their behaviour does it take to stop feeling numb? My H is trying - he's really trying, I'm trying as well wtih the MC and trying to implement it. My H says he is feeling WAY better and I'm doing great with avoiding LB. But I'm still feeling numb. He's doing everything right right now- but I dont' trust it - I don't feel it. There's a wall and I can't get it down, I can't trust that he's not going to re-vert to the verbally/physically abusive beahviours after a month of MC. But it frustrates me that I don't feel anything though I do enjoy his company more now that he is TRYING to spend time with me instead of just telling me how it's not his fault that I'm too socially inept to have other friendships so that I want to talk to him all the time. I can't say "I love you" and mean it. I care about him - but I don't feel "in love". I keep thinking of my nose because it's crooked now (after he punched me in the nose in Jan this year hard which was what made me insist on counselling there have been other physical incidents in the past - pushing, shoving, slapping) but this last one scared me to death. It scared him too because he says after that and I told him counselling or the marriage is over - that he realized he really could lose me and the kids and he doesn't want that. He even cried about that and I felt nothing much. I look in a mirror - I'm just reminded and I don't know how long it's going to take to get over it but feel like it's not fair to him because he is trying and frankly I have provoked him. I can be verbally abusive as well. Both of us can be - I"m not some doormat - we're learning to de-escalate situations in counselling.

I just don't want to feel numb anymore and I'm scared. I'm scared this numb feeling won't go away even if the changes stick, I'm scared he'll do somethign someday again bad enough that I"ll have to say the end after all this work and I still have to end up going through separation/divorce. I'm posting here instead of EN forum or other topics because even though this is past abuse not infideility - there may be those here who can relate to what I'm feeling right now.

I'm scared because I think someone else was meeting some of my EN for conversation. Until the activity ended for the season this week - I didn't realize how much I had come to depend on conversation from someone there (who also married w kids and been married over 20 years). No contact outside of now ended activity, so no worries there - just scares me that I actually miss this person and that since realizing I wont' see him again either ever or not until next year (IF we both are involved with the same group again) that I'm actually kind of depressed because it was nice to have someone make a point of seeing how my week went, asking about what our kids were up to...telling me haircut looked nice.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I think I was meeting some of his EN too probably admiration (he's way older, own business, MBA - I'm working on my BBA). He told me he missed me recently after a week off but then looked flustered and back tracked quick and said "well I meant just we didn't get a chance to do the 'how was your week?' thing". No overt inappropriatenesses just weekly "how's it going?" conversations - but still - I see how easy these things are - esp when you are vulnerable.

So I'm trying extra hard with my H right now - we really need to get back the "positive sentiment over-ride" to quote our marriage counsellor. Who btw - will likely be hitting me with 2x4's next week because I brought this up there at the end of the session yesterday....my H btw is not concerned one bit "there's nothing wrong with having friends and I think you should have more friends and it's s good thing you are talking to other people" and went on to say that it is very important to him that I continue with said activity next season if I'm making friends there (and I am also having conversations with females as well - just realizing that I looked forward to seeing this person every week - that's what was a red flag for me - H thinks I'm just way over-sensitive and that normal people have frienships with men and woman and it's fine to miss someone. I even told him I was feeling guilty about being sad I wasn't going to see this guy and he laughed and said that was nothing to feel guity about and he has no problem if I wanted to be friends - I said "What? I'm NOT contacting him to get together - that would look really bad/inappropriate". H's response "well that's YOUR boundry then" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

He doesn't have an issue with me having male friends as I and he would be happier if I did have more friends in general to talk to/spend time with. He told the marriage counseller that if he had his need for time alone met that the kids and I would see way, way, way less of him that we do now (when I already think we don't see him enough). Granted with 5 young children time alone or with each other is very, very hard to come by.

(I guess this begs the question of if he's in a work EA or something but I haven't had the slightest even hint that that might be the case...)

Then there is the guilt that my H and I got together while I was separated from my ex (who was abusive and refused counselling) - but I was still married and maybe if I had hung in there longer - then maybe my ex would have gone for counselling - plus even before I left my ex - current H and I were in an EA - we didn't not recognize or admit that until just this past month in the counselling. So I hate myself for that.

So I'm requesting 2x4's, input/advice, and some empathy/support would be good too...yes we are in marriage counseling. So I don't expect this to replace that - just feel like I have to talk to someone...

Hi MCheryl-
I tried to get a little more background on your story, but I see you have deleted it. It sounds like you are a battered wife. I'm not an expert on battered wife syndrome, but I believe that numbness is an appropriate and legitimate sensation.

If it's been about 5 months since your last physical abuse experience, that is heartening. But it is hardly enough time for you to recover. Is your H in IC as well as MC? What do you mean by "he's trying?"

Do you mean he's trying not to hit me again?


Physical abuse is not something to be trifled with. Please make sure you are getting advice from a professional who specializes in battered women. You will probably feel "numb" for quite some time, and you should not feel bad about that. How long did the abuse go on?

Yes - it has been 5 months since the last (which was also the most extreme). Arguement that I didn't think had really escalated and I got punched in the nose w/o warning to the poitn where everything when black and I came to on the floor in a pool of blood from my nose. That was the first time that I thought me was capable of REALLY hurting me. Before that - I thought since it had been a number of months without even any minor incidents physically that we were "past that".

Yes H is in IC as well as MC. I went into more detail in that first post but then - I guess I paniced about leaving it out there. Hard to talk about - it's easier now with the counselling. Still I'm worried someone might figure out who I am on here with the info I've given now which is still more vague than before).

Yes there have been a number of other instances of pushing, hitting. We have been married 7 years and first instance was about at the 1 year mark. I was pg when we got married - I got pg the week after my divorce from my ex went through and so instead of taking a break from H to heal - we got married, then had 5 kids in just over 4 years - with 2 high risk pregnancies - so it's been quite rough time adding in financial troubles as well.

MC said he's seen people that have been married 20 or 30 years and not had to deal with all we've had to deal with. It's not been constant just some periods where things turn physical. First instance - slapping me in the face in an arguement when I was pg with our 2nd - so we would have been married just over a year.

But very little else until a very bad period after our 3rd. I remember sitting nursing the baby and having him repeated hitting and kicking me, several times of being shoved into walls or having my head slammed into something. The day I came home from the hospital after c-section we got into a fight and he punched me in the stomach - that was the really dark time. The past 2 years have actually been pretty good only a couple of incidents here and there. I know - I know - it sounds like he's a horrible person - I sound like the standard battered wife - but it's not that way (yes - of course - everyone says that). It's been a volitile relationship since the beginning. I'm not an innocent in this either (in fact I've thrown things AT him myself on more than one occasion).

Our MC does specialize in abuse/anger management issues - so we are good there. He talked to each of us on our own first and I'm thinking I might need more IC. I did flat out say - my goal was to stay in the marriage but the physical violence had to stop period no matter what. Dh himself was an abused child - emotionally and physically. He is fine with our kids - it is just me and again - I tend to escalate things. MC did tell us there was absolutely no change of our marriage surviving without counselling and a lot of it because we were off the charts on the "4 horsemen of criticcm, contempt, stonewalling, & defensiveness" as well as ANY physical violence makes things a very serious problem.

by H trying - I mean he admits now that it was abusive where up until before my prior post it was "well you hitting me with words is WORSE than me hitting you and if you would just STOP making me mad...." He has not hit me at all since January, he is actively trying to fulfil my EN, he is reading the His Needs Her needs book, doing IC and MC and doing the homework. As I said - he realizes that he stands to lose me and the children completely. When I posted before I was still to the point of saying that no matter what - I was staying in the marriage. He's a great dad to the kids and stuff and is making more time for them and for us.

I'm relieved to hear this numbness is normal and 5 months of not being hit and 6 weeks total in MC isn't enough to be recovered. I feel like H feels that I should be feeling more recovered than I am and I can't say how long it's going to take. No one talks about recovery from this. I havne't found a forum for couples who are trying to recover their marriage after physical abuse.

adding actually - less than 5 months - the last incident was right before my prior post RIGHT before MC started - it was the driving "MC this week or that's it" incident - him throwing boxes AT me when we were cleaning the garage out and argueing over what to keep vs not keep (only one hit me and fortunately NOT anything heavy). So 5 months since he's actually hit me and about 7 weeks since he's thrown stuff at me.

I'm with imanotherone on this one. You need to see someone who specializes in battered women, because that's what you are.

MB cannot help you with this. You are on your second physically abusive marriage now. Feel free to keep posting, but you seriously need to see a specialist face-to-face before you can even begin to straighten out your life.

Please go call someone now and then come back and let us know that you have done this.
Mulan

Do you mean someone aside from the marriage counseller we are seeing? I'm very aware the professional help is in order and I am doing that. I don't expect MB to fix this - I can stop posting here if people would rather I didn't.

MamaC-
Mulan is not discouraging you from posting--she's saying that your relationship is not really at a point where MB principles will improve it.

Just as Pep and Mel have repeatedly told folks dealing with an alcoholic or drug-addicted spouse that no real healing can take place until the underlying addiction is healed, you have some more serious healing to do.

You say your H was abusive once again AFTER he broke your nose. Based on what I know, that means he IS NOT IN ANY WAY RECOVERED. I am amazed to hear that your MC wants you and your children in such a dangerous situation.

Please get a second opinion, and this time make it from a battered women's hotline or shelter. I think you are in serious physical danger, and this may escalate to your children. Most likely, you and your husband MUST SEPARATE (hard to say that on this board) until he has truly addressed his issues, and an outside expert thinks it is safe to re-immerse yourself.

I don't know what the links are, but I'm certain there must be some reputable discussion boards for battered wives. Maybe one of the moderators can even ask Steve Harley for a referral? I'm very concerned after hearing more of your story. Please do not stop posting, and let us know what your plans are.

If for no other reason, please consider the role model you are being for your children. The cycle of abuse stops only when an ADULT makes a conscious attempt to end it. Children are doomed to repeat the cycle until they reach an age of higher understanding. Please don't let your boys think it's ok to beat up girls, and please don't let your girls grow up thinking it's ok to take a beating when you have a fight with a boy.

It sounds like you are in the "honeymoon period" before the next onset of abuse.

Shoving you into walls, punching you in the nose, slapping you while you were pregnant, and kicking you in the stomach after a C-section are all acts of physical ABUSE.

Please join a battered women's support group. They can help you get strong enough to realize what is going on in your life.

In the meantime, hang out here - you can still learn about marriage, and have folks to talk to.

Post deleted by Cherished

thank you both for the kind words. Cherished - I will search for that book. I have read quite a few books on abuse but not that one. Sugury on my nose isn't remotely a financial option. Plus my nose isn't bad enough for surgury - just slightly leaning to one side now. No one has commented on it - I think I'm the only one who notices. Maybe in the future if we have $ and it's still bothering me - I'm sorry you had to go through all of that and still live with visual reminders.

A few more details since I've gone and worried people here.

It's not that the MC WANTS us together - it's that I told him that I would not separate at all in the beginning and since the initial individual appointment I had with him - have since said - separation ONLY if there is another violent incident which there hasn't been. I am at this point to the point of understandign that MUST happen if any future violence happens. Dh is aware of this as well.

The boxes incident happened before we started counselling, not after and was the only thing that happened in front of kids in years. (At least since the older ones were young infants). Everything else has been after they are asleep and usually on another floor of the house again - the incidents I mentioned were over a 6 year time period. They are not exposued to constant or even regular violence - though yes - even once is too much for children to witness - it was the in front of the kids thing that prompted H to really agree he needs help.

H has NEVER hurt the children and I would be out immediately if he did despite the fact we have NO economic resources for that. We are deeply in debt, one income and H has only high school education. I'm going back to college in the fall and his Dad is retired (his dad did not abuse dh it was his mom) and so my FIL will be helping with watching the kids while I take classes. Yes - in the back of my mind is that with an education - if I needed to leave in the future - I woudl be more prepared than having been a SAHM with no recent work or school experience.

I've kind of been working on an exposure -one thing I picked up off this site. Our pastor and his dad as well as his boss and a few friends have been made aware of at least some of what has been going on as H is taking off work in the day for counselling and anger management.

My FIL also is now supporting us by watching kids for counselling appointments as well as he will be here when I'm in evenign classes. When my older 3 are in school - I will be taking day classes and probably loans to help with babysitting for the younger 2.

The expsore so far has been a big one. H is actually relieved by it because the more people that know what's been going on - the bigger deterrent it will be to stay accountable and he honestly hates himself for it. In fact I have told him I will not lie again if he ever hurts me again - EVERYONE is going to know about it from my family, his family, church, friends, the people at the music group I'm a part of, his boss and all our neighbours and he will have to deal with those social consequences.

I'm not going to lie anymore. I told people with the nose in Jan that I took too many narcotic pain pills after my gall bladder surgery that week and then tripped and fell in the night because I was so strung out on pain pills. I've decided I dont' need to say that kind of untrue stuff about myself. (I did have my gall bladder out but certainly wasn't overdosed on narcotics or even taking them at the time).

But please don't think the MC advocates my staying - that's me and it's only with the counselling that I've even been able to entertain that as an option though he is workign with both of us. I am seeing here - I need to also see either the counseller for IC or another counseller - I will call tomorrow to get an appointment. I am taking steps so that if I need to leave in the future - that things are more in place than they are now.

Just things seem to be going well enough - that the disconnectedness and numbness was bothering me as was having flashbacks to abuse incidents when H seems to be trying so hard now - but I guess I have to just give it lots more counselling (including IC) and lots more time because either way - this is going to be a long road and if nothing else - reading here has opened my eyes to the damage affairs do and how vulnerable I am right now.

He hates himself for abusing you - most abusers do. But the pressures build up, and they deal with them by striking out at the ones they love.

I hope you will find a women's support group. When you meet others that are going through the same thing, you will feel better.

Is there anything you can do to relieve the financial strain - like filing bankruptcy?