'This was moved from 'just found out'

So, I just officially find out 6-6-06 that my wife has committed adultrey. We have been married for almost two years and I really need some advice/help. Sorry if this is too long, but I am not sure how to truncate this.

I began noticing the signs about a month ago. She spent more time on the computer and said that she was keeping a journal that was password protected because she wanted it to be private. I noticed many phone calls to one number. She lost some weight. She sent and received more text messages then she ever had before.

I must digress and say leading up to this point, our marriage has not been the best. Our intimacy was having major problems and our sex life was almost non existent. I wasn't quite sure what the problem was, but now I think it was because I was/am suffering from anxiety/stress/depression and did not know what was wrong with me. I could not seperate my work from home and was always under a great amount of stress. I think I was not meeting her emotional needs and place blame on myself for her finding those needs somewhere else.

So we had a long talk on Monday about our relationship and where we were going. I told her that I have been trying to deal with my problems and had ordered some items to help me learn to cope with my stress and I wanted to do everything possible to make things better. The conversations we have had in the past few weeks made me feel like she had given up on me and was just laying the foundation to end our marriage.

I confronted her Monday and flat out asked if she was cheating or if there was someone else. She looked me right in the eye and said no. Unfortunately, all the signs were there, and knowing how cheaters can and will deny and deny and deny, I had to find out for myself. I found a letter on the computer yesterday morning and was able to open it. It was from the person she has been cheating with and it made reference to him liking to make out with her.

I had all of the emotions running through my mind, but maybe was rational at the same time because it was not out of the blue. I had fears/thougts for the past few weeks that this was happening. I called her at work and asked if she could come home early to talk. She said about what, and I told her I knew what was going on. 'Going on wih what?'. I told her I was not stupid, but just had to hear it from her mouth. She sent me an e-mail two minutes later asking 'what was it that you wanted me to tell you about?'. I replied 'Everything'. She replied 'Everything about what'. I did not reply and she called a few minutes later saying she would be home.

She came home and I generally told her that I felt she was lying and I knew what was going on, but had to hear it from her. She told me 'yes', I have been cheating. Reading on sites, I knew that I shoudl not pry for details, but curiosity getting the best of me, and needing to know how bad, I asked a few questions about how long it has been going on and who knew about it. She also made the sterotypical comment 'I still love you, but know if I am in love with you'.

I then told her that I loved her, I cared about her and that I was very hurt and humiliated but wanted to fix our marriage. I told her over and over how much she meant to me and how important our marriage was to me. We had already scheduled an appt. to go to counseling next monday before finding out about this. I asked her if she was still willing to go. She said yes. I asked her if she could break it off with this person so we could begin to heal and move forward with our life. She hesitated and went into the 'I don't know what is wrong with myself. There are things about myself I need to find out. I don't know why I did this. I think I have a problem' I repeated that the only way we could fix things was for her to end it with this person. She basically implied she didn't know if she could do that. I asked her what I was supposed to do as it was not fair to me.

Later that night, after she had spent several hours at her cousins, I talked to her and reaffirmed that I wanted to work things out and fix the problems we had. I told her I loved her and would be by her side to help her. I told her I was a fighter and loved her so much that I was not going to give up on her even though at times it feels like she has given up on me. She had already taken the rest of the week off and said that she needed to go somewhere for 'some time for herself' so she could figure out what was going wrong. I told her that I supported her and wanted to do whatever it took to help things and if that was what she needs to do, I am supportive of that.

She said she did not want to go to her parents 'because they love her unconditionally'...which I am not sure what that means. I woudl think that you would want to go to place that gives you that. She decided to go West to a friends house. She booked a flight and left this morning. Throughout this, I kept telling her I loved her and was in support of whatever she thought she needed to do for herself to get better and us to start healing.

Basically what it comes down to is that she cannot make a decision between me and this other person. So now, I am an emotional wreck. (Luckily, I was able to get an appt. for a therapist tomorrow afternoon which should help) I am in limbo and cannot concentrate on anything but this and had to take the week off work as well. She told me last night that she could not give me the answer I needed right now and that she had to go away to have some time for herself. She said she would call to let me know she arrived safely.

So I guess where I need advice is if I should communicate with her at all while she is out there, or not at all. I told her I was going to fight for her, but at the same time, if she needs her space, I don't want to smother her. She made comments all throughout this process that I had to learn to love myself before she could love me. She felt she was providing love for me that I could not for myself. She may have a valid point, but at this point, I should feel very angry and beating myself up, but with the help of parents, I know that I love myself and I know this is not my fault.

Sorry this is so long, but I really could use someone to dialogue with that may have gone through this. I took someones suggestion by posting this rather then perusing other ones that may be similar to mine.

I really love this women and want to make it work, and I have some optimism because I think there is a part of her that still loves me and wants to be with me. I told her I could forgive in time. She asked if in 5 years I would throw this back in her face and I assured her absolutely not. I am not trying to play games and am not looking for a card to use on her. I am looking to keep the woman I fell in love with.

I guess I am rambling now, but any advice on what to do between now and when she returns Sunday night would be appreciated. The Monday counseling session cannot come soon enough and every mintue feels like an hour, every hour a day. It is anguising not being able to talk to her right now.




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Longhorn
Member


Reged: Aug 27 2005
Posts: 1201


Quote:
...she needed to go somewhere for 'some time for herself'...



That's code for, "I'm going to go somewhere I can conduct my adultery without you interfering." There's a real good chance she's gone to a friend who will enable the adultery and allow your wayward wife (WW) to meet the other man (OM) there. It's happened a zillion times before.

In my signature block, there's a link to a thread about organizing a recovery plan. I suggest you read it so you can understand where you are and where you need to be. You have to have a strategy for saving your marriage. A haphazard approach isn't going to cut it. Read, then come back with as much information as you know about this other man, how they met, etc., etc.

Sorry you're here, man, but you've come to the right place. People who post here have already been through what you're facing and come out the other side sane and whole. This is your support group while you work on your relationship. Welcome.





Reged: Aug 21 2000
Posts: 2073
Loc: Sparks, Nevada, USA

Please read what Longhorn has written. He is right on the money. I would make sure that the both of you be checked for STD's as soon as possible. The fact that this could happen so soon after your marriage of only two years is a very bad sign of course. Is the OM married? If so, you need to contact his girlfriend or wife and expose the affair for what it is. I wish you luck.

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MrWondering
Member


Reged: Oct 12 2005
Posts: 847
Loc: 200 miles north of Wapakoneta,...


Hey Matt

Welcome to MB...sorry you are here.

The trip to find herself is, as Longhorn said, likely a ruse to meet up with OM. What she really wants is to meet him and "decide"; but she'll never decide. Instead she'll escape further into the fantasy and indecision of her affair. Picture a crack addict taking a trip to the crack house...think they ever come back "better"?

Who is OM??? Is he married??? Are your finances secured??? Is she accountable for her time on this "trip"??? Where is OM now???

My wife took off after D-day on a 2 week trip to ostensibly think, find herself, and end things with OM. None of that actually happened. However, in that 2 week period I found MB just as you have and MB eventually saved our marriage. Use the next few days to read, read, read. Ask questions. Move this thread to Infidelity - Gen'l Questions II (the most active board where you'll get the most responses).

Further, all MB advice is about YOU. Without a healthy you nothing works. Eat properly and sleep. Start excersing. Book a massage to help alleviate the stress and distract your obsessive thoughts. Consider AD's to help you through this traumatic event.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering (see you on GQII)




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Matt77
Junior Member


Reged: Jun 07 2006
Posts: 3


I appreciate the response and the support of people that have experience with this. I am obviously totally lost.

I feel like she took this trip because she can't decide between the two of us and needed time away from both of us. The reason I am hesitant to think that it is to meet this guy is because she just booked the flight at 12:45 am this morning for a 7:00am flight from the midwest to the southwest (about 2,000 miles away from where this guy lives). The person she is staying with is a female friend that I know as well and I know she has respect for me.

I flat out told her during one of our discussions that if you have to tell me its over, tell me as that would only be fair to the both of us, but she could not do that either. So the fact that she cannot tell me its over, but cannot tell me she is willing to commit to me again made me assume that this trip was a flight response because she truly is in a mess that she does not know how to handle. I also found on the internet history that she was searching terms 'i want to keep having an affair' and 'how to end an affair' which leads me to believe she really, truly does not know what she wants and needs some time away from the whole situation.

I may be being naive, but it seems that she is trying to figure things out and having him or me there would make it more difficult.

I am going to read the link right now, but I can tell you this about the OM.

He used to work for the company my wife works for now. I don't know how old he is or if he is married. I did a public records search on him and do not think he is married. I think it began as a friendship where they talked alot on the phone and then started setting up secret meetings in the past six weeks. (He lives about three hours from our home, and about two hours from where she works, so I don't really know how many times they physically got together in the last couple months. There were only a couple occassions in the past couple months where I remember being suspicious about her plans. Girls night out, etc.) They have probably talked nearly every day in one form or another through e-mail and phone calls for the past two months, so I think is started as an emotional affair and has recently turned into something physical. I really do not even have evidence that they had intercourse, just assuming they did since my wife answered the question of cheating on me with 'yes'. I have evidence they made out and have been talking.

I will read that link right now, but if you could respond to my comments above, I would appreciate it.

Thanks again for the responses as I really need help getting through this.

Ok, I have read the link and made the following observations:

Step 1 Intelligence
Phone records
# of text messages
Password protected documents used to correspond with each other
Keystroke logger used to confirm adultrey

Step 2 Confronted and asked to stop with other person
Did not receive a definitive response as she wants to continue with him, but at the same time does not want to end us.


Step 3
She has admitted. I asked who knows. She said she told her parents that morning.
Should I call her parents and talk to them? She may not have actually told them which is why she did not want her timeoff to be with them. Or, they may know, but did not want to have to listen to them telling her how wrong she is.
Should I call some of her friends and family and bring it up to them?

Step 4 I think I have already begun this in the fact that she told me I have commuicated to her more in the past two days then I have in the past two years.
I am losing weight the unhealthy way, but am trying to force myself to stay healthy until I can get an appetite again. Vitamins, fruits, no sugar, no caffine

I don't think I clearly set my boundaries with her. At first, I told her it had to end, but when she could not gurantee that, I may have started to bargain willing to do anything to save the marriage. Basically explaining that I will be by her side to help her work through this no matter what. I told her we must go to thearpy to talk through everything to understand why she did it. She is open to this.

I am willing to do plan A, but does that mean I am excepting that she may be with both of us for awhile? Also, 6 months sounds very long to be in this plan. What is the reasoning it is so long? I also just ordered the books 'surviving an affair' and 'after the affair'.


I appreciate all of the feedback.

Matt,

I would be concerned even if she is not physically with him at the moment, they are in contact. She is probably informing him of your knowledge. To determine where he stands if she decides to abandon your M.

WW to OM: "My H know about us, and I need to decide what I'm going to do now..." Stay with H, or leave for you?

You WW needs to know if OM will get cold feet if she is willng to leave you. She needs to secure herself before she loses her safety net "You".

Continue digging to find info on OM. The more info you have, the better prepared to will be for whatever happens.

You need to confirm this. Give them the chance to bring up the topic.

Find out if they are going to be supportive to you or WW. Having her parents on your team will be huge.



Welcome to the infidelity diet! You won't have an appetite for awhile, and the lack of quality sleep doesn't help.

Force yourself to eat small amounts all day. Forget the meals, just try to get down small amounts 5-6 times a day. If your not familiar google "body for life".



Good sign for the home team. getting a pro M therapist that hopefully she likes will be another team all-star.

If you have the wrong therapist, the results can be terrible. Do your homework here, get the right person for the job.


Think of what you WW is doing as an addiction, and until she breaks the addiction she has toward this fantasy/OM. Comes out of the fog you will read so much about here she is not dedicated toward working on M. As many have said in the past "you need to be a beacon of light while she is in this fog."

Thanks for that. Should I try calling her? I don't want to smother her if she really does just need space. At the same time, I want to show that I cannot just stop loving her.

What type of info should I get on the OM? I have his phone #, address, etc. and have tried a public records search.

Also - Is there anyway to get the billing details for verizon wireless before the bill arrives? I can see online the previous bills that show all of the calls, but it would be nice to see the detail of unbilled calls so I know who she is calling while she is there.

Also, I am really debating if I should call her mother or not. It might help me to talk to her, but it might make my wife upset. I also would like to make sure they know what is going on.

I would call her and check in. let her know you are concerned about her. Don't talk relationship or A stuff, but don't let her think about "Him" only.

Even if it's just a text msg, let her know you care.


Most important: Is he M? If he has a W. You have an adversary, and leverage to separate the A from 2 sides. Another set of eyes.

lets say he's M. You know and communicate with is W. You would also know if he is on work related travel at the moment.

Where does he work/what does he do? If needed you can expose to his boss, more pressure.


what kind of relationship do you have with her? How do you expect MIL to react?

Would she chew her butt for what she has done,

Will she protect/enable the A "because she's my daughter"

Or just be passive, and not get involved?

I'm gonna get yelled at for this, but...

not sure I would jump on the exposure move yet. Get your ducks in a row, make your exposure list. See what the WW comes back with, before pulling out the guns.

Do you have OM home phone, or just cell?

Matt,

""It might help me to talk to her, but it might make my wife upset""

You have to start changing your pussyfooting ways! From now on, the advice from all here at MB, if followed, will make your wife VERY UPSET...ballistic even.

This is the time you stand up for yourself and set some very strong boundaries.

I would call her best friend and ask to talk to your W. Call the OM and ask to talk to your wife. See who gives the phone to your W!

I would not believe anything coming out of her mouth. This is not the same person you married. This is an alien that has invaded your W's body.

Plus, that you have only been married 2 years, is cause for big concern.

Many here might say cut your losses, specially if there are no kids involved.

I too believe she is weighing the commitment from the OM before she jumps out of the safety net.

""I don't want to smother her if she really does just need space.""

I cannot believe she flew over 2,000 miles to have her space. You must consider her guilty until she proves you wrong.

This scenario is following the infidelity script to the letter. Be ready for the worst.

Stay strong, eat right and get enough sleep. Plan A is being the best H you can be, which also means the most healthy and rested H you can be.

When does she come home??

Keep posting and God Bless you.

kirk

Okay, Matt. You're starting to set up your strategy and that's the first step.

Get as much information about the OM as you can. You need to know if he's married himself or has a girlfriend, where he works, where his family is, etc. Install a keylogger in stealth mode on the computer your wife uses at home to discover her secret passwords. You need to see the emails and IM’s she’s hiding.

I don't know about Verizon's online billing. Give them a call to see what your options are.

As far as exposing to your mother-in-law, go ahead and add her to your exposure list. If your MIL is an honorable person, she can be a valuable ally. Who else is there out there who can put pressure on this adultery? All of them are targets for exposing this to. Do you and your WW have children?

Exposure, btw, will most assuredly make your wife furious. She will rant and rave at you. She'll tell you she was going to work on the marriage but now she won't. She'll say she can't trust you anymore. She'll ask how could you do this terrible thing to her? The thing is, Matt, marriages can survive rage; they can survive embarrassment; but marriages cannot survive with a third person intruding into them.

Hang in there, Matt.

Since WW has already told you she told her parents give them a call to discuss the situation. They likely DO NOT have the whole story but you have a great excuse for when she gets upset after she finds out you told them the WHOLE STORY (i.e. - I'm sorry honey, but you told me you already told them so I called for support, I had no idea they didn't know it all...ooops").

Verizon will only give you the time the most recent was made and the number of minutes used on their website. You have to wait till the bill comes to get the current months detail in full. I found myself obsessively checking the website last spring to find out what time they were talking and adding up the minutes used. I would be encouraged if they are talking on the phone all hours of the night as that would be a good indication he IS NOT there with her.

Mr. W

Thanks guys. Thanks for the reality check krusht.

Altough we have been married only 2 years, we lived together 2 years before that and have been together for nearly 7 years. We do not have kids, but I think this has been a reality check for me. I keep thinking I should be furious and flying off of the handle and kicking her to the curb, but I keep saying to myself that I love her and want to make this work.

I am going to call her parents house in a little bit when I know they are home from work. I think her parents have unconditional love for her, but at the same time I think they know how extremly wrong this is and could become my ally. Any advice on how to carry on dialogue with them regarding this would be appreciated.

I have done the keylogger and have the passwords. The way the communicated was to open a word doc, type their message and then password protect it and erase all traces of sending any e-mails. They also use text messaging and erase all instances.

I am going to try to find the OM home number as I only have his cell.

Matt,
I've been in this for 6 months now... and I made mistakes. These people here know what they are talking about. Your situation sounds very similar to mine.

Where does she know the OM from? If work - expose there. I should have done that from the beginning - but didn't. It probably would have broke the FOG quicker.

Also do your exposing at once... might as well ahve them go ballistic once as opposed to death my a thousand cuts.

My 2 cents...

Thanks everyone for the support.

I called her parents house and left a message because no one was home. I decided to try to call her. We ended up talking for about an hour and half. I felt like it was a very good call as I was more forceful communicating my boundaries and my feelings in general. We were able to have a dialog like we never have before. She said that she felt like I had communicated to her more in the past two days then I have in the past two years but did not know how to accept this. It was obviously very emotional for her to hear what I had to say and she couldn't quite absorb it all at once. I talked, she listened, she talked I listened, and we agreed to disagree on some things. Many of you are surprised to be in this position after only two years of marriage, but I can contribute these problems to our lack of quality communication. That still does not excuse anything, but she wants to know why and that is one of the main reasons. She was a little shocked at how much I was communicating with her and was suspicious of my change in attitude as she experienced something similar with an x in the past. I told her that you cannot compare me to that person and I am only being genuine with what I say and how I say it.

I really believe that she has strong feelings for this other person and does not know how to deal with the fact that she loves me but also has feelings for him. She made indications that she cannot just stop feelings overnight. I think she is being selfish in this regard as she has made the bed she has to sleep in, and if it is tough to do one thing or another, that is the price you paid when you strayed. I don't know if she values how much it takes for me to say I love and care for her when I have been betrayed. I let her know that I thought she was in a fanatasy world and that she would have to face reality at some point. She made mention to not knowing if it was the right thing to fly out there to escape everything, but also made mention that it might not be good for us to stay in the same house when she returns. Everything she says to me indicates she really does not know what she wants.

I received a document from MrWanderer that I just sent to her a few minutes ago. I could not believe how accurate it is and I hope she does not have the blinders on when she is reading it.

Right after I got off of the phone with her, her mother called me. Her mother is a very talkative person and went into a longwinded explanation of what they knew and how sorry they were. I guess her Dad called her up and yelled at her for what she is doing. Her Mom was more sympathetic but was still very disapproving of what she had done. She seemed relieved by me calling as they want for us to work this out as much as I do. I can only hope that she is able to face reality and truly identify what she has done and how big of mistake it actually is. I felt a little better after talking to the MIL as it let me know she is getting pressure from all ends to end this affair. However...

I did find out the reason that she went to see her friend out West. It is because this is the only friend that knew what was going on from the get go. I must admit that this is very troubling as the last place I want her to be is with someone that condones this. I know her friend and find it hard to belive that she would condone as she is getting married in a few months, but I think she might just be being there as her friend and not having to worry about being judged and persecuted like what would've happened if she went home instead of there.

Anyway, I guess I am making some progress and feel better than I did at this point yesterday thanks to everyone here.


Dazed2006 - They used to work together and were friends, but he does not work there anymore. I tried to slip into the conversation with my wife today asking if he was married, but she said it was not fair to him to answer that. Her Mom being a talker slipped and said that they had discussed their problems in each others marriages. So, I guess I can assume that he either is or has been married. I guess I need to figure out a way to get in touch with her and let her know what is going on. I also don't know if their are kids involved on his side or not. This is all very disturbing to me yet I somehow persist to make everything better.

Matt,

Find out who he is, where he lives and expose to his poor unsuspecting wife. You will have a huge chance of breaking this up quickly if you do this.

Mr. WANDERER????????? Do you know something I don't?????

I've been called Mr. Wonderful before but never this one. lol...pretty hilarious...though I have been known to "wander" in circles at times, beats hitting my head continuously against the padded walls here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, track down and expose OM to his wife. DO NOT discuss doing it with your wife or anyone.

Exposure is the toughest concept to get around here and you could save us all a lot of grief (yourself included) if you just DO IT. There are long threads herein discussing all the reasons. They contain every argument you can conjure up to rationalize why YOU think you shouldn't do it. Bottom line, the quicker you expose to OMW the faster the affair ends and the swifter your recovery. That woman HAS to know what is going on in her life and for you to abstain propogating it makes YOU their co-conspirator.

Mr. WONDERING

p.s.-I'd also consider calling the friend your wife is staying with and discussing the matter. Don't say it but by calling HER you make the "friend" acutely aware that being your wifes friend is conditioned on being a friend of the marriage. Statistically, you will likely reconcile and you don't want this woman fully enabling your wife.

Sorry Mr. Wondering, I did not even notice I got that wrong.

I guess this message was a few mintues too late as I discussed exposing this person with my mother. She said she did not know what that was going to help. I explained the rationale and that it was only fair to this other person to know as MW and the OM have problems that need to be dealt with.

I am going to do some research to find the home information. Are there any threads or tips on how to discuss this with the OM's wife? I also am not fully sure that he is currently married. He may be seperated or divorced.

Matt, let that be the last time you discuss exposing to OMW with anyone there. You do NOT want that to get back to your WW or to OM. If they know in advance, they will spin the story to their advantage and reduce the effectiveness of your exposure.

If you can afford it, a Private Investigator can find OMW, her phone number, residence, and what she had for breakfast last Saturday. They ARE expensive, but it would be an investment in your marriage and that's priceless. And one could do it this afternoon. It's a matter of having the right contacts and knowing where to look.

If you can't do that, have you looked in Zabasearch.com, Peoplefinders.com, or People Search? These have some free areas and you pay a fee for other information, but they're cheaper than a PI.

Who else can you expose to? Any church leaders in the picture? How about professional organizations or social activities? Have your friends been advised about what is happening and their assistance requested in ending the adultery?

There's no easy way to tell OMW her husband is committing adultery. When you get to her, just sit down with her (or call her, if that is more appropriate), take a deep breath, and say you are more regretful than you can describe...but her husband and your wife are engaged in adultery. The conversation will carry itself from there. You need to have a couple pieces of powerful evidence (and your wife's admission) to show her.

If they are separated, she still needs to know.