Hello... I hope someone can help out there!
(Sorry so long)

My husband and I have been together for 3.5 years and married for 3.5 months. We have been fighting constantly... both before marriage and now and it only escalates. He blames all the fights on my inability to be accepting or fair with him. Because he thinks I'm constantly knit-picking, he is unable to take any of my complaints seriously and they never get resolved. We have both reached a peak with our frustration levels and any love we had for eachother is dissappearing fast - if not gone already.

Our most recent argument is about whether or not it is okay to be friends with ex's. I don't think it's appropriate. However, he wants to maintain two friendships he has with two ex's. One is local and married with a new child (they were together for 4 years & their relationship ended about 7 years ago). The second lives in Seattle and married with no child (they dated off/on in college and were friends ever since - their relationship ended about 15 years ago).

He says his friendships with his ex's consist of a couple emails and phone calls a year. For some reason, even though the one in Seattle lives so far away, I feel the least comfortable about her. She's been married 5 years and still mails my H a holiday card every year - only from her (not her husband). I told him if she continues to send a card after we're married she should address me on the card also. He disagrees that's necessary. The day after we returned from our honeymoon, she called him during work hours on his cell phone... apparently she congratulated him on his marriage... they exchanged new email addresses and will continue to be in touch. The local ex was the original "mom" to "our" dog and a cat that died a year ago. He called her to tell her when the cat died and I'm sure will let her know when the dog dies. This is hurtful to me because I feel like they are (or were) my pets now and I care for them and cared for him when he was sad about his cat dying... but he still wants to inform his ex.

He tends to be the kind who hates throwing anything away... from newspapers to junk. I asked him to throw away any cards/letters he had in a box from ex's prior to us getting married. After much argument and battle, he reluctantly agreed to get rid of it and still holds it against me. So now he's holding steadfastly to these friendships.

I try to be understanding and realize he will not budge. So I try to compromise and come to an agreement of what is acceptable with these friendships. He says it should be okay for him, if/when given the opportunity, to meet up with either of them for dinner to catch up like any friends do. I say meeting up with them is unacceptable, but to compromise, I say - I have to be there - it's not appropriate to meet up with either of them without me. If they are your friends, they would want to meet your wife. This subject has been put on hold because he says due to all our arguing I have not earned the right to tell him who he can be friends with.

I get the impression that he doesn't feel me or our marriage are worth compromising anything for. As though our marriage did not signify anything.

I was impressed that he was willing to complete the EN Quest. last night, although I don't know how productive it was. I realized after asking myself those questions that he does not meet any of my most important emotional needs, which is why I constantly feel insecure in our relationship and am constantly looking for reinforcements of his love for me - hence, the constant knit picking and fighting.

We have reached such an ugly point in our marriage. I can't believe I feel no love for him. In his anger he has said such horrific, cruel things to me that I can't picture us ever being loving towards each other again.

I'm on the brink of walking out. It's quite a sad story. If anyone can provide and insight or advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

Merrily, I wanted to ensure that your post got replied to, although I am far from having the answers. I think that the Emotional Needs forum is much busier and tends to get more traffic, so the response time is faster.

To me, I find that your H is being disrespectful to you in his probably totally platonic relations with his exes. He likely feels that he should not have to stop communicating with them because he is now married. While that may be true, he also needs to be considerate to your feeling on the matter. For example - he should insist that Seattle ex address both of you on the card, and send the emails to both of you. This is the total honesty thing that Dr harley writes about. You need to know if these relations were sexual or not. If they were, and he was monogamous in them, then you should not have a problem with that unless you take issue with sex before marriage. But you still need to know.

The completion of the EN questionaire was a good step for both of you. But you need to remember that perhaps his needs are not being met either. You would likely be more successful in getting him to meet yours if you can lay off the nitpicking. That would be a Love Buster.

Good luck!

Thank you so much for responding!

Both relationships were sexual. The one from college (Seattle) was never monogomous... they were friends with benefits throughout college. The other one was monogomous.

He created a couple of his own EN that I am not meeting: 1) Fairness and 2) Acceptance.

I am trying to meet his EN by not nitpicking... although it's difficult because I am crying out for sensitivity and understanding and he is filled with frustration from my so-called nitpicking so he always responds with annoyance versus understanding. So I guess I am asking for "Acceptance" too. I am beginning to feel like it's a total waiste to express anything to him. He will blow up and we're back to square one. It's like a vicious cycle. Everytime I think we're out of it, I am surprised by his angry outbursts... major LB for me. I can't be taken seriously anymore and my feelings are never met with sensitivity. More and more I want to shut down.

Trying...

He is labeling something as "nitpicking" so he can avoid talking about your needs and meeting them.

Have either of you read any of Dr. Harley's books? One thing that he stresses harder than anything else is the policy of joint agreement. That means don't do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of you partner. If both of you can follow that then things will start to get better, if not then they will just continue to get worse.

Maybe reading His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters will help you two understand more about what it takes to make things work. (at least if the advice is followed by both parties)

Good Luck, Best Wishes

OMG! Merrily!

I could've written this myself years ago. Your H is a carbon copy of my soon2BWH!

Pre-marriage, WH didn't want to give up his "female friends" which included his exes. H wanted to keep them. We even went to couneling. When H finally decided to give up his exes, he blamed me! Which eventually turned into resentment.

H also kept stuff! When H moved in w/me I found a f***** black underwear of his x-fiance ina a FEDEX envelope and pics of all of his EX.

Once we got married, shy of our 1St anniversay while I was going through IVF procedure, he started an A with a co-worker "female friend". Didn't find out about the A until 2 years later, D-day was 2/1/06. Did the plan A & B, exposed the A on both sides. With weekely MC for the last 18 weeks including his IC, my bast*ard of a WH still carries the resentment and refused to "radical honesty".

We're in the process of drafting a Marital Separation Agreement.

What your H is doing is a pre-curser to an A. My view as Dr Phil's view is that EXES are EXES! That's where they belong! In the past! Unless there are kids invlove with those exes, but your H cannot expect to be in your M if he is investing time and energy into maintaining his relationship with his exes.

I'm sorry. I wish I had some encouragement for you. Until your H is willing to "adjust" mentally that he now has a responsibility to you as a husband, partner, friend and lover, it will be a stuggle. This is what my WH never realized even now...He likes the "idea" of being married, but he doesn't want the reponsibilities of being married.

The only thing I suggest is for the two of you to DISCUSS each other's expectations of what your individual roles are, your future as H & W and individually. You'll be amazed how different your views are when it comes to "other people".

Good luck.

I agree w/ Stargazelily. Your H's friendships are not appropriate. He is getting validation out of them. That's why people have them (I know because I've done this!!!)

My advice:

Follow all of Dr. H's advice about resolving conflict. Let your H know that you do not accept his behavior clearly and without getting angry. If one of you starts to get angry, walk away. Bring it up later. Even though it sounds impossible, try to keep these conversations pleasant.

Eliminate all Love Busters.

Try to improve all aspects of the relationship by working on yourself and how you relate to him.

Be kind to yourself and congratulate yourself for taking these steps. Hopefully all of these things will help your H consider your feelings.

I agree that the friendships are not a good idea.

I just broke up a long friendship with someone I used to date. It was not easy for me. But being his friend was detrimental to my relationship, and possibly to him as well.