OneMan,
You are not crazy for wanting to confront the OM. Heck, my wife's affair was six years ago and I still at times would love to "deck" him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
However, The Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) should probably dictate all of your actions at this stage as to whether or not to "confront" the OM. You have to go a little against your instincts here. You don't want to take any actions that will further destroy any love your wife has for you. Any unilateral actions that you take before consulting/negotiating with your wife may have that effect.
This may be somewhat difficult as you have not told your wife of your latest discovery, which means you have also not followed the Policy of "Radical Honesty," so you will have to probably try to tell her in a non-lovebusting fashion that you know she has renewed contact with him before trying to negotiate an end to it.
Negotiating an end to it with her is a better way to start anyway. The OM probably doesn't care one way or another if he's jeopardizing your marriage, so all that may happen is that he tell you off - or worse - tell your wife what you did and make you out to look worse in her eyes as well.
Read up on the site again about "Plan A," "Surviving Infidelity," as well as the "Q & A" sections. If you have not already, you may also want to purchase the books "Surviving an Affair" and "Lovebusters." They were of great help to me when I was trying to get through my wife's affair – especially “Lovbusters.” I had no idea of the things that I was doing at the time that were causing us to drift apart, and that book really opened my eyes as to some of the things I was doing that caused her to lose love for me. There are links at the top of the page for the bookstore section. I highly recommend both of them.
You want to at this stage do what you can avoid any lovebusters, and try to meet whatever needs you can for her to help deposit more into her Love Bank . You "opening up" to her is a great start, but you haven't opened up to her about everything just yet – and the longer you keep this a secret the bigger the lovebuster it will be when it comes out. Steve Harley with the telephone counseling that is offered here can help you develop an effective plan to do this properly. I would recommend you give them a call. They are experts at this and can help you a lot. There is a link to it at the top of the page under “Counseling Center.”
You said in your post that your wife became angry when you tried to work through the affair a couple of years ago, so there are probably some underlying reasons and issues in the marriage that still need to be addressed. She probably, for some reason, does not feel safe or comfortable in discussing these issues with you. The folks at the counseling center can help you in creating that "safe environment" for you to work things out – even if it’s just with you in the initial stage.
Remember the 4 Rules for a successful marriage:
1. The Rule of Protection (avoiding lovebusters)
2. The Rule of Care (meeting emotional needs)
3. The Rule of Honesty (complete, with POJA as a guide)
4. The Rule of Time (15 hrs/week)
Protecting your spouse from lovebusters always comes first – otherwise everything else is really useless. That’s usually the best place to start.
All the best,
-HD
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
