OK, it's happened. I have the D papers here in my hand. I'm reeling. I'm alive, but reeling. Got no idea what to do next, but I already had an e-mail ready to go, and I sent it to him as soon as I spoke to my lawyer. Here it is:

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8 June, 2006


Dear WH,

Congratulations on filing for divorce. It must be a momentous occasion for you, given that it's the first time in 21 years that you've kept an important promise you've made to me or the children. You should know that I will object to this divorce. Despite your besmirching my character, my hands are clean and my conscience is clear, and I will not sully them by going against what I believe to be just, right, and true. This divorce is your baby, your project, your responsibility, and your pathetic, dismal failure.

I know that our divorce will mean that your affair with this woman is not strictly adultery any more (although it will hardly legitimize it either in mine or Heavenly Father's eyes) but the conditions of my letter on December 30 stand. I am not ending my no-contact with you. This is it for me. I require this peace. It may be your profound, inescapable guilt, or it may be that this woman simply brings out the worst in you, but although I love you, I cannot, and will not, have a relationship - any relationship - with you while she is in the picture. If she is in your life forever, then I am out of it forever.

If you do not want me, fine. You don't GET me, in any shape or form. If not as your wife, partner, and passionate best friend, this is it. I will not be your buddy. I will not be your listening ear. I will not be your "fix" for history and familiarity. I will not be your co-parent (why would you want to start to co-parent our children NOW after 18 years?). And I will most certainly not be your whipping girl, ever again. You can live your fantasy. You can come off like a ham out of some bad melodrama, "Ooooh I love RiverTam, but this is what is best. It hurts, and I didn't want it to be this way, but our marriage just can't be [boo hoo ad nauseam]". You can pretend that one day we will put this behind us and be friends. You're right, we will one day put it behind us (and I am currently working VERY hard on forgiving you, and I will forgive you, for my own sake and that of the children), but we will never be friends. If not your wife, partner, and passionate best friend, I will be nothing to you at all.

RiverTam

{{{RiverTam}}}

Alph.

RT,

I am so sorry this happened. its something we know in th back of our minds it may happen but when it does its knocks th wind right out of ya.

You try and keep that little hope that somehow, someway they will wake up and say "Oh my God what am i doing."

My heart goes out to you, I know the feelings you are having right now. From love to hate, from fear to anger. So many emotions all at once.

Just keep breathing you will survive this, we all will.....

((( River Tam))))) God Bless You

Hurting

Thanks, Alphin and Hurting. Feeling a bit better but still knocked around.

Hurting, there's no anger, or hate. It wouldn't surprise me if STBX was to think there is, seeing as he's painted me with broad, black-and-white brushstrokes since he left. It's far easier, after all, to consider the wife you betrayed as angry instead of in incredible pain; as hating you instead of loving you more than anyone on the face of the earth; as possessing one or two less-evolved feelings, rather than an onslaught of myriad, complex emotions 24/7.

This is, however, a very, very tough letter, and an uncompromising one. It's the way it had to be. I have these uncompromising beliefs that he led me to believe he shared with me. He broke promises, vows, and covenants. He has behaved with the utmost cruelty, over and over again, remorselessly. He's become a deadbeat father. And I might love him, but I won't spare him these things that I feel the need to say now that he's done this terrible thing. These may be the last words he ever hears from me, and even if I die or discover I have a terminal disease tomorrow, I will not regret them.

River:

I am so sorry to hear this.

I want you to know that I wholeheartedly with your position in your letter.

I felt and feel the same.

Hugs to you!!

Rivertam,

I am sorry...I know that expecting to receive D papers and 'actually' receiving them are worlds apart....

...but we all know that you will be OK...hold on tight on the 'rollercoaster' ride of emotions it has put you on....it will end!

((((((((((((((Rivertam)))))))))))))

{{RT}}

When I was served I sat silently for hours. It seemed to take all my energy just to keep breathing, so that's all I did.

Just before my divorce was final I received an email from my wife, even though I'd told her I wouldn't communicate with her directly. I sent a reply which was very similar to your message, except it was three sentences long.

It wasn't ill-considered. It expressed my anger, but I took a long time deciding before I finally sent it, and the oaths I swore in that message were things I'd thought about for a long time.

Today, almost a year later, I wish I could have it back. I'm not saying your message will be a burden for you in the future, but mine is. I hope your experience is different.

GC

welcome to the club no one wants to be a member. Sorry to hear you got served, but we all survive. Yes it's always in the back of our minds, but when it's reality it's alittle different.
It will get better for you, though not for him, as in my case my Ex-W regrets alot of things now a year later, but such is life. Just know that the ride will soon be over and you can enjoy life and all that is has to offer....

I really like your letter. I think it is well done.
I would imagine that you will never actually hear a decent response out of him, but good for you getting all that out.

I think you have made a very important point there – and one that all BS’s should heed. That you will NOT be friends with your ex. I think this is something that needs to be broadcast to the whole world. This crap about “I am going to leave my spouse for someone else, and it will be rough for a little while, but eventually things will settle down and we will become friends.” It is crap, and it is time that people started truly understanding the harsh realities of divorce.
For a short amount of time I actually event tried the whole “friends” thing. After our d was final, I had this feeling of “I am no longer interested in him, or our past M, I am better off now, so I may as well be nice to him”. As it turns out, being “nice” just helped him to believe that he had done nothing wrong, and it was ok to further take advantage of my kindness (or – my in-ability to stand up for myself)

When I finally set a good solid boundary, and told him that we were not friends, he was not welcome to call me to chat, and that we would only have conversations when absolutely necessary for the kids, he had a huge fit about “You are just bitter and angry, I knew you couldn’t be mature enough to forgive me….blah blah”.
I wish I had established early on that I had been his wife – and would not settle for being reduced to friend. That he could choose to “demote” me, but I did not have to accept that new position.

Bravo, Faith!!

You are receiving a standing ovation from me on your post!!

My H learned that he could not be my FRIEND unless he got rid of the OW. I got that "Can't we be friends?" bull crap, too. I so remember the look of surprise and bewilderment on his face when I said "NO WAY"!!

A TRUE FRIEND DOES NOT ABANDON YOU !!


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, everyone. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster already!


Thanks, Mimi. I really respect you and this means a lot.


Oh, yeah, Lunamare! No matter how much you prepare, you just can't. But you know... this isn't the worst of it. At least not yet. So far, the worst of it has been the betrayal. So we'll see what happens! I'm ready for that rollercoaster.


Thanks for your take on this, Gray, I really understand what you're saying. I want you to know I am keeping an open mind and heart and will never be averse to going back on what I said in my letter if that's what my Father wants me to do. I just know this is the right thing for now. And I don't know about you, but I have been submitted to the most horrible cruelty and abuse throughout this whole thing. I'm not talking about selfishness that I would take personally, I'm talking about full-on attacks on me, when I NEVER gave him cause because my behavior through all this has been exemplary. I kinda have to treat myself as a victim of spousal abuse at the moment (and I don't say this lightly, so no offense to other victims of spousal abuse out there) because that's the way it *feels*. I don't know any well-balanced person who has a relationship with her/his abuser. I am very close to coming to a full forgiveness, and feel a great peace because of this, but forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean contact right now; I know that my Father doesn't expect me to expose myself to my STBX and his cruel behavior (indeed, I don't think he expects it of ANYONE). Other thing is, this is what he wanted, right? From the moment he moved out he wanted me to move on, and move on without him. This is the only way I can move on. Doubtless other people can and do move on with their XSs in their lives, but I don't think I'll be one of them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Bigwave, this is a great comfort to know, thank you.


BRILLIANT! Yes, that's it, that's it exactly. Thank you. And Mimi, you're right. My BIL, who's a minister, believes this too. He counsels so many couples and invariably one of them brings up the "I just want us to be friends" deal. He always says to them, "Well if there was REAL friendship in this marriage, this wouldn't be happening."

BTW I won't hear from him about this letter; what I didn't put in the transcript above is what I write most of the time in the e-mails I send him, "Please do not reply to this e-mail." Because if I don't write that, he WILL reply. Sometimes he replies even though I ask him not to. So it would appear that he's got nothing to say, or if he does, he is well aware of the boundary I've set in place, and will not trespass. Maybe reality is kicking in for him.

Sigh... well, onwards and upwards, I guess.