I have been had a wonderful on/off again relationship w/MB for the past 4 years.

I am reaching out to all of you for prayers and any pep talks.

My husband of 5 yrs. cheated on me 3 mos. into our marriage. Then again 6 mos. into our marriage. At that point he denied due to the advice of a very bad counselor I was convinced that it wasn't happening, I needed to be medicated and b/c of my family history I was seeing things that weren't there. I stopped seeing the counselor but these things stuck.

Fast forward 3 years and 2 kids...
My husband admits to previous affairs.
He also confirms my suspisions (sp?) that he is developing an 'inappropriate rel." with new hire (a girl right out of college easily wooed by gifts and attn.).
He is aware and is knows that I am watching so defines 'the lines' that he won't cross.
It's been 6 mos. and things have gotten worse and he wants to leave us and the kids but blames it all on me.
I exposed to family and they have been calling constantly harping on the things I did to cause this. My family just wants me to leave.
I am just so angry on so many levels.

I know I don't have that luxury so I need help from you.
I can't get into a counselor so give me some words to hold me til I can.

You all know --
I can't eat, breath, sleep. I am obsessed with doubt and confusion.

He did this to me, won't help me thru it and then beats me up with all of my deficiencies.

Give me a script to follow so I don't lose it.

Have you been able to verify an affair? I would do some checking and then expose them at work.

But the bigger problem is that it seems your husband is a serial cheater. He needs to want help to change, and it looks like he would rather blame you.

Check out the website of S-Anon - a 12-step group like AlAnon.

I think the site address is http://www.sanon.org/

You may find a group in your area. There may be resources that will help you deal w/ children. And, I do recommend counseling. For all of you.

Along w/ exposure. If your h is smart enough to realize that he is developing feelings, and he has a history of inappropriate behavior, he would benefit from S-A - a 12-step program for sexaholics.

Thank you.
this link is a gift that i need.

hope is dangling by a fine line

mcm137,

Have you read up on plan A and plan B on this website?

What have you done to contribute to this situation?

Have you done a good Plan A?

Lovebusters? (LB's) Disrespectful judgements?

Plan A is all about you and working on your issues. We ALL have issues. What issues/family history does your H have going on?

How old are you and H? How old are your kids? History.

You said you have had problems because of your past.

Do you want to save your marriage? We are here to help.

MB is a great place. You shouldn't be on/off for 4 years, you should be here and get help on a regular basis.

Give us some more info. Weekends can be slow. Hopefully the 'wise ones' will show up come Monday and you will get alot of good advice.

Why does family say you are the bad person here? What have you done wrong?

Exposure of the affair is great for busting it up. But ask for help here before you do ANYTHING of this nature.

Good luck and God Bless.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

PS. I see now that you have been here on/off for 4 years. Stick with this program. It will help, no matter if you save marriage or not, we will help you, if you are here on a regular basis <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the attn.

As you can imagine I am all over the place.

OK - my history (in brief...my 2 y.o. is coloring on desk next to me)

I grew up in an alcoholic family. I am a middle child.
My parents to this day have a tumultuous rel. to say the least. My role model for marriage is wrong.
Example - Parents' last good spat ended with my mom
moving out for 4 mos. and then back in while my dad
was away on vacation w/o talking it out.

My husband has very low self esteem. He's from a family
where his dad ran out when he was 8, his mom kicked him out at 13 and then his dad cut him off at 18. He struggles with feeling lovable and any female attn. literally blows his sane mind.

Four yrs. ago (Sept 11, 2001) just months into our marriage I left to be with my sis who lost her fiance at the Pentagon. He turned to female coworker for help and affair began. Then he figured he had blown it anyway and started dating another girl from work. He loved that they actually fought for his attn.

Even w/o the admission I knew WH had the affairs. Since then I tried to control the rel. and make it 'perfect' (without asking him what he wanted). i made him feel like a kid in his own home and did everything around the house my way.

he carried this guilt w/him that kept a wall up and thought he was doing everything in his power to make me happy (mostly $$ stuff which took him away from us).

It's no wonder the A started. we had been living an artificial life. She made him feel easy joy. everything at home was forced - good and bad.

We had 2 perfect kids. We thought they'd make it feel more 'real'.

About 9 mos. ago, I confronted him re: a young co-worker whose name came up a lot in our house. One OCT. weekend he took the kids to work and they played house. He made a promise to 'not cross any lines' but refused to give her up as a friend. (found emails and phone calls)
Again, I wanted to be the good trusting wife so I allowed their friendship to grow. I was never OK with it.

Six months ago he admitted to first 2 affairs (I think he was looking for permission to turn EA into PA)
and shut down

I wasn't to talk about it or mention it.
I poured over it and stewed basically for 6 mos.
He said how sorry he was.
I was Praying and psuedo 'fixing myself'
Tried to force him to love me by spending all of our time together, trying to make a happy home - hosting many events for his family, fixing up house and yard etc.

About 3 weeks ago we had an ugly argument where I cracked. I couldn't take it anymore.
I did a lot... a lot of LBing.

He then gave himself permission to give up on us. He tried to move out but I promised to snoop if he went to hotel. Soo He stayed but said it was only for the kids. I called a co worker who confirmed my suspicions and I confronted OW.

I also exposed to his family hoping to stop him from himself. But he is still in denial. And has found ways to lie or exaggerate all truths to make me look psycho so he can say it was justified.

I am now in a good plan A (1 week).
We had a nice weekend together with the kids.

I have started mtg. with a Good therapist
(who only takes cash - which scares me that I won't be able to continue for too long. esp. since he may still leave)

And he has agreed to go to MC - not for himself but b/c his family pressured him to.

When he left for work this morning I could swear that he loves me and is willing to try but....
he is going to work where the OW is. So who knows what we will find tonight.

Of course, I am having trouble sleeping which makes all of this really hard. He just constantly pushes my buttons. And even when I carry on and I fail to engage he says I'll break soon.

me
BS 31
WH 31
1 and 2 y.o. daughters
1st affair 9/11/01
2nd affair 1/02
3rd affair 9/05