On May 23, 2006, I found out my wife was having affairs with men she had met on the internet. I had suspected this for quite some time. She would often leave the house between 6:30 and 9pm on various week nights telling me that she was going to visit girl friends. One evening in particular, she said she was going to her friend’s house. I was skeptical because of the way she was acting when she left the house. She wore fairly nice clothes and had full make up on just to visit her friend to watch TV and just to talk. The next morning, I got into her purse to get her friends phone number off of her cell phone. My intention was to call her friend and find out if my wife was indeed there the night before. I never did call. Later that morning, wife called me at work and yelled at me for going through her purse. To me, this was the sign of a defensive, guilty woman. I then decided to dig to find out additional information. I found a password to a private email account. And found almost 80 emails to and from several men. Some of those emails even had naked pictures of her attached. Those emails described several rendezvous with several men. One guy even left his work address and phone number in the emails. So, I called him and confronted him about the A. He soon admitted the A and stated that WW said she was in an open marriage and that it was cool with BH. Totally false. Now I had proof. After I got home from work, I confronted her. She admitted them. I asked how many men, she said 4. When did they start, she said Oct. 2005. I asked her how many occurrences, she wouldn't say. She said she was not giving me details. Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. I wanted to know more. She would not divulge anymore details. So I put a key logger on the computer to track her IM's and email usage. She continued contact with the OM via IM, emails and cell phone calls. I found out a lot of nasty things. The more I found, the more livid I became. She now says the marriage is too far gone to reconcile. We have two school aged children. I want the whole truth about the affairs, but she will not budge. How can I trust her again? I told her she is welcome to stay in the house until she gets on her feet, but I think she is still in contact with the OM. If that's the case, I want her gone now. She has no job and has no place to go. I fear that she will leave once she secures employment. I would like to reconcile but only if she promises to stay faithful and no more lies and secrets.
We have been married almost 13 years. I have contacted a MC, and WW says she will go with me, but has made several excuses not to go. I have deleted the key logger and stopped snooping, but I have told her that she needs to NC the OM. She has since changed her email password a few times and still will not divulge details. I asked her to give the R six months, but she says she can make no promises. She has been depressed for quite a while. She told me in January that she didn't love me anymore and she was giving our R one year to improve. I asked her if there was OM, she said no. During the last 5 months, she said she noticed the effort on my part to save our marriage. What hurts is that she made no effort at all as she continued to see OM.
I still love WW and am still willing to do whatever it takes to preserve our family. I told her that if she would promise to be faithful to me and not lie to me anymore, we could try to work things out. If not, we were through. I cannot be with a woman who disrespects me and my family by cheating and lying to me. I asked her if she could be faithful and she said yes. I asked her if she could tell the truth and she said yes. After questioning her about her sincerity, I caught her in another lie about 10 minutes after she said she could be faithful and quit lying.
I know the affairs are a symptom of a failing marriage. And, I realize that we have to get to the root of our marriage problems but only if she is willing to make the effort also. Right now, she thinks that our marriage is beyond repair. She may be right. But if we don’t make an effort to reconcile, we are throwing away 13 years of our lives for nothing. I can forgive her for her A but it won’t happen tomorrow. Can I trust her again? It’s going to take time. I am ashamed of myself for what I have become; a snooping, obsessive, compulsive husband. I am willing to let go of the past and stop obsessing about it. I have already decided to forgive her for the A. But that means, no more secrets, no more contact with the OM and no more lying. Is she willing to cooperate? I hope so.
WW has agreed to go to a MC. We have an appointment with a MC on June 13th. I believe that is a step in the right direction. She definitely has some depression issues to work out. She admits that. She says she is sorry for hurting me. She says she needs time to decide if the marriage is worth saving.
I am taking the kids out of town for the weekend starting tomorrow after work. It will be nice to get away... She also said she will take the kids to her Mom's next weekend, so I can have some time for myself. I have planned to go to a concert on June 16th with some friends. Let the healing begin...I hope!
I may be blind here, but I do see good in my wife. She is remorseful, she has agreed to see a MC, she admits her mental problems, plus she just told me she has had NC with the OM for at least a week. She wasn't seeing them at the same time, it was one after another. She has not agreed to reveal details or the OM names. But I already said that the more I know, the more livid I become. So maybe it's best that I don't know any more details. I can forgive her because I am still in love. But forget? Never! She needs to get counseling for her mental state and she knows this. A few years ago, she was on Prozac, then Effexor for depression. After a year or so, her doctor took her off the meds. She doesn't think I will trust her again, and believes that I will keep bringing up her infidelity in the future. That is why she is not sure that we can reconcile. The thought of throwing her out has crossed my mind. But I've spent almost 14 years with this woman; I can't just throw her out, even after all the pain she's put me through.
