Can anyone tell me the signs and clues to look for that would indicate my wife may be having an affair? All I have now is a gut feeling. Any and all help is appreciated. Thanks

Sorry to say that the #1 reliable indicator is a gut feeling.

#2 is the "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you" speech.

#3 is the "just friends" defense.

Somewhere around here is a thread with 50 example indicators.

Just describe what you have observed so far.

I had an affair and some of the signs that you want to look for are the ones you can't see. It is the ones you will hear. Almost every spouse who is having an affair will express feelings of unhappiness about the marriage with false words like "I don't think I was ever in love with you ", "I love you but I am not IN love with you", "You changed". Those are just a few of the crap lines cheating spouses say to fool themselves into thinking the affair is o-kay. Every spouse is different. I used the "I love you but I am not IN love with you" line with my wife and I also began to be really mean to her during the affair. She tried to do every thing she could to win my love back but I wasn't allowing her to because I felt guilty about what I was doing behind her back and wanted her to hate me and leave me because I was not man enough to tell her I was having an affair. I tried to justify my actions by getting her to hate me but that was a stupid theory because she was my wife and she loved me . Well eventually she found out about the affair on her own and it made things worse. I wish I could have been man enough to tell her the truth but I didn't want to hurt her or be judge by what I was doing even though if I loved her I wouldn't have been in the affair in the first place and besides she has the right to judge me , I was unfaithful for heavens sake. Infidelity is such a bad way of life. I only hope you gut feeling is wrong because it is a terrible thing to be caught up in. My wife and I are still working thru it and it's been over 6 months. I kept so many things from her and that has made the whole recovery process difficult. The hardest thing for a person having an affair is one of two things...1- telling the person who loves you more than anything you let them down...2-Telling the person who loves you more than anything you had an affair and not knowing what the consequences are. My issue was the first one. I never thought about what my wife would do if she found out because I could never get past the point of just telling her. Do you love you wife? I ask that because if she is having an affair it is gonna hurt you as much if not more than you love her. As a former wayward spouse I also ask that you approach this matter guns down. The fear of what her wrong doing may cause her to not come clean only to protect her true best interest...The Marriage! I can't speak for your wife but if she really didn't care about the marriage she would have just divorced you but she most likely does care about the marriage but has found what it has been missing somewhere else. It's a stupid way to go about life but we who have or had affairs are ...STUPID!!!

He look a bit harder on this forum. I remember a thread about the things WS(wayward spouces) say to their loved ones when having an affair.

I hope you gut is wrong but if it isn't ...you are at the right place for help on what steps to take. Growing up we are not taught how to deal with affairs so this site will be your guide one way or another

I think WAT is right. Your gut knows. If you think she is having an affair then she very well might be - or it may be nothing. Some signs:

- change in routine, 'working late', 'new hobby', etc
- change in appearance, dressing better, different make-up
- change in behavior, more/less affectionate, more/less sex
- unknown numbers in cell phone history or caller ID
- new friends that she spends a lot of time with
- talks on the phone in another room when she didn't before
- condoms/KY in her purse/car
- long time to get back to you if you leave a voicemail
- strange charges on her charge cards
- more mileage on her car than there should be

But as WAT said, what makes you think so?

She has been losing her temper more over small things. I do get her voicemail more than I used to. She has been going to the store/Wal-mart more than usual and staying out longer than it should take. She is not at her job as much as she should be during the day. She doesn't let her purse out of her sight. Things like that.

Let me guess, she gets really insulted and hurt if you have any doubts about her too right?

You better do some snooping; this sounds like my situation last year and I just could not believe it so I ignored that "gut feeling" for about 5 months and I *wish* *I* *had* NOT *done* *that*.

Start snooping. The first thing you can do is to look at the phone bill and look for calls during the time she is out to "wal-mart". And don't just go to her if you find something (I made that mistake over and over too), gather more intel, don't reveal your sources, read everything you can on this site.

Here's a link to the thread WAT mentioned about the 50 indicators of infidelity.

50 Indicators Of Infidelity


If you'd like a more comprehensive list, check out the book, Cheaters 180 Telltale Signs Mates Are Cheating And How To Catch Them by Raymond B. Green.

Hey, some of the things you folks have mentioned are scary in that they sound so familiar to her words and actions. I guess I better get on the hunt.

Possibly the cheapest and fastest way to get some proof is to place a small digital voice activated recorder in her car. You can put it under or in the springs of the driver’s seat.

In many cases WS don’t have a firm schedule. They might decide to meet around eight in the evening but trivial things like spouses and children tend to interfere… So first thing they do when “safe” in the privacy of their car is phone to coordinate their activities.

Chances are that after a couple of days you will have all the proof you need.