I've been lurking here for almost a month but now feel the need to step forward and seek opinions. I have only shared the details of my situation with 1 person because of the positions of the people involved.

My husband is a minister (not the senior one). At the end of April, I confronted him with my suspicions that he was having an affair with a secretary at our church, who happens to be married to another minister. He admitted some emotional connection, but we talked and prayed and I felt we were going to move on. In a week I began to feel that nothing had really changed, so I asked someone to help me spy electronically. Within a day he found husband's "secret" email address, and a day later provided me with a snapshot of an email that proved physical contact. I called her husband, he blew up and confronted her immediately. The four of us ended up in front of our senior pastor that afternoon, who agreed to forgive and move on if both of the betrayed spouses desired that. We all agreed; I had the "spying" stopped the next day (except I can see how many text messages he uses on his cell phone account, although not who to or from) hoping to show my willingness to trust him again (now I'm feeling stupid!).

Here we are now exactly 4 weeks after Dday and I feel there has been little change between them. He and I are working on our relationship and definitely making progress, but he still has secrets that I can feel deep in my soul, although not prove.

Given the situation, complete NC is not an option short of one of the two leaving the church (I'd be happy if she found another job!). The specialty and expertise of my husband makes it hard to leave for another church and we'd prefer not to leave this area. However, I have suggested that they cease all contact outside of the minor work and church interactions. He told me a week ago that they had agreed to that, yet he's had 60 text messages in that week, and they certainly haven't been from me.

Can anyone offer me some guidance? I believe in his heart he would walk away if he could, but he is as addicted as a crack addict to this woman (and the way she makes him feel). By the way, we have 2 young children, so our deep discussions almost always happen after 9 pm!

I've been searching Dr. Harley's writings and these discussion forums for help. I'd appreciate hearing whatever anyone can say.

Thanks!

This is the #1 best situation to be in for exposure to work.

Bar none.

Launch the nuke again, blow this out of the water and have these hypocrits belly up to the alter.

Why hide it?

The positions of these people is EXACTLY why this shouldn't be kept secret any further.

NC is not negotiable. If it is, so are the marriages.

Don't settle for this sweep it under the rug answer again.

Your senior pastor isn't equiped to handle this other than to separate one family or the other from this church.

WAT

Harley states that the affairees can never have contact again for any reason. That is the only way to make your marriage safe, and also the only way your husband will want to work on the marriage.

BS- I think you have some great advice here! You need to expose, expose, expose! Talk to OWH again, both of you go to the senior pastor, have it go all around the church, do whatever it takes to end this A.

BS06, you've bought into a solution that's fine for the church but it doesn't do anything to resolve the problem. If your husband is still in contact, he's broken the agreement and you need to address it. Resume your snooping to find out how much, check the cell phone bill on line to find out where these messages are going to or coming from.

If you haven't already seen it, perhaps you can check out the link I have in my signature block on how to organize a marital recovery. I think it might help clear a few things up in your mind about where you are and what can be done.

Sorry you're here, but you've come to the right place. Almost everyone out here has experienced the heartbreak of an adultery in their marriage. We've survived, and stayed sane and whole. You will too. Welcome.

Thank you so much Longhorn for your encouragement and for the other comments. There have been changes even since I wrote my post! WS actually didn't send or receive any text messages yesterday! I am so proud of him. I cannot trace where the messages are sent to or from on our cell records, but I will know in 2 weeks how many times they have called each other in the past week (since their "agreement" a week ago). The funny part about today is that he had computer problems at work and his tech found some kind of keylogger and screenshot files (that I didn't put there!). I think it made him very uncomfortable and I wonder if the tech was able to see what was inside those files (which might make him even more uncomfortable!).

As it happens, I spoke with OWH today and he believes both WSs are ready to move beyond this (not that they will do it perfectly, but that both are tremendously burdened by what this has done and is doing to our families). I know I will sound naive to many people on this board, but we caught this at a VERY early stage (EA began developing 4/28 and PA was exposed 5/11 with only 3 kisses), so I do believe the day will come when the 4 of us will look back on this and say "what were we thinking!" The up side is that both couples have been shaken to the core and recognize what we almost lost -- to the point that we are willing to make the changes necessary. I truly believe what Dr. Harley says about marriages coming out even better on the other side.

Having said all that, don't think I'm naive enough to imagine there will be no more pain or problems. I am still extremely cautious and will continue monitoring what I can. I almost dread talking tonight because I'm sure there will be some issue of my spying bringing on his computer problems (and I caught him because of his use of our HOME computer), but we all know the reason I spied was because he was unfaithful.

Anyway -- we have a long way to go I know but I'm beginning to feel some hope again. I'll continue lurking here and posting if needed. Thanks again!

Yes, you are being naive.

Only 3 kisses, huh?

Everyone will just put this behind. The four of you will be just fine.

I predict you'll be back asking for advice.

We'll say the same things.

WAT