I used to post and then stopped because I felt my situation was dealt with and I was over it. Today I learned I haven't really dealt with it, but I have "locked it away " and it came back and bit me emotionally today.
So quick update since I haven't been here awhile:
1stD-day July'92, H asks for divorce, denies OP.
We go to counseling, he decides to stay, think marriage good.
Feb'93 I learn I am pg with 5th child.
May'93 In counseling he admits to affair.
My child born Sep'03.
Unknown to me OW's child born Jan'94, day before our 20th anniversary. (While she is in labor he is planning a special getaway to renew "us" and celebrate the anniversary)
April'94 I learned of the OC because he has to help pay medical bills, and CS. This is when I almost call it quits, but he convinces me he wants US, our family, me and he wants nothing to do with her.

Here we are 12 years after he ends his affair and I get a dental bill for the OC that puts me over the edge.
We had more or less shoved this situation under the rug. No one knows about the OC except his sister-in-law.
My brothers know he had A , but we never mentioned OC. They may suspect, but that's it. Our 5 children have no knowledge that they have a half-sister in another state 2000miles from us.
Every month child support is taken out of his check, we never see it. It is like a bill, an expensive bill. Then we actually get a bill with OC's name on it, a question has to be answered, I end up dealing with it because he is out of town. Today it just put me over.
I am tired of the secrecy. I want to be able to talk about it. I am tired of having this "monster in my closet"
that escapes periodically and reminds me of the worst 18mos of my life. An incident that colored my last pregnancy which should have been a joyful time and wasn't.

Well enough of my rant.
Anyone in this boat, if you can be open about the situation I would do so.

I am Texasgirl.

((((((TG)))))))

I know I'm the WW, and not the BW, but oh man I can so relate to you on the secrecy, as only my H and I are "in the know". It is my biggest struggle in this. I imagine if 10 yrs down the road, things are still a secret... I will feel as you do. So hugs TG, because I completely understand that aspect.

BTW, Good to see you again. Is your youngest still such a delight nearing 13 as a few years ago? Please say yes, and give your fellow "older" mom hope, lol! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR. I think if it is all revealed that you may have to relive all your emotions that you never really had to explain away to the world.. that is very difficult. I think you may need a confidant that you can vent to irl.

Who exactly do you want to tell? Everyone? The children of the marriage? Why disrupt their peaceful lives right now especially at this preadolecnt time.

I just think you may regret it if your children find out.

I would think you need to come clean. IT will help you heal and help with whatever may POP up in the future.

We have chosen no contact. And I too brace myself everytime I open a doctor bill.

You have to know that this child will one day come looking for its real father. I know that about my situation.

I do plan on telling my children that they have a sibling when they are old enough to understand. AND I plan on doing this for all sorts of reasons.

I like to play the "what-if" game. What-if this happens, What-if that. Maybe that will help you in making a decision.

It is what it is. And what happened, is no reflect on you or who you are as a person. This was not something in your control. IT just is what it is.

Not a lot of time Texasgirl~

I would keep the secret. It will open up everyone to an explosion of emotions, especially your children.
JMO....

We also get dental bills w/oc's name. My mailperson or the post office actually put a question mark on the envelope and that sets me off. I'm afraid oneday they'll ask, 'who's this?'

Also heath insurance every three months has oc's name, our address and the same thing happens, good ole question mark.

I hate it that we moved and still have some darn thing to deal with, or feel a need to explain.

I'm sorry you have to 'deal'. I guess we will in one way or another for the rest of our lives, huh?

Maybe I'll catch you on private sometime. I only check in now and again to see if any oldies have some news.

(((((hugs TG)))))))

Debi

Well, Texas, I do not have a monster....We have chosen to be very open about our situation with EVERYONE!! (Honestly it was like branding my H with a huge A on his forehead for all to see) It is what it is. We can't change the past but we can improve the future. It was hard at first but now that time goes on, its like, there is nothing hanging over our heads...or some scary topic no one wants to discuss or mention...or when I walk in a crowded room wondering "who knows about OC"...I decided not to let this situation control my life or be a "monster in the closet." We got out in front of it and it was a good choice for us and our family.

You have to do what is right for your family and your situation. Best of luck to you!!

what a crumby way to live with the fear that someone or someway this will come to light.

i am the type that has to have all the cards on top ofthe table.

i agree that if you were to let the cat out of the bag there will both be questions to answer and emotions to deal with. but if you and your husband reveal this to your kids and close family together i think that it will go smother then you may expect.

Thanks for responses. I am over it. Just needed to vent.
Autumn you asked if my youngest is still the light of my life ... oh yes. Of course he isn't 13 until Sep. but he and I have a special relationship. He also has a special relationship with his sisters just older than he. In some ways because of the age spread he is older than some of his peers, but younger in other ways. We talk politics and we talk video games. He has also led a sheltered life. This fall will be different because he will be the only child at home. I hope your late child brings you as much joy as our does.
WE are still going to keep it from the others. If she wants to meet her father hopefully her mother will contact us to arrange things. Then we'll decide then how open we want to go with this.
Re-reading the earlier post. I didn't mean the child was the monster, just the situation. I don't know if anyone thought that, but I wanted to clarify. A part of me feels deprived of knowing this child of my husband's. I did ask if the OW would let us have her. But...she wanted to keep this living representive of her love for my husband.
Debi, thanks for post and words. will look for you on Private forum.
Again thank you all for responses and letting me vent.

Pops, thanks for you words. I think before probably, but now I don't know. We will deal with what we need to when the time comes.

Later, ya'll
Texagirl

I know I'm drudging up a few old topics, but I would like to know how some of these situations are going or have turned out. I do feel like keeping OC a secret will be "monster in the closet" and OW will have something to hold over us or decide to announce via social media to our COM and families when she is angry.

I think H feels differently. "Just let it be and see what happens" If people know "fine" if they don't "fine". I'm just glad you know. That's all I care about."

However, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders now.

Have you emailed Dr. Harley for his response to your situation? That would be better than hearing the outcome of others' situations.

I have not. I'll do that. I guess as my H and I begin communicating better perhaps I will understand his reasons to tell or not to tell as well.

Bijouxia, did you read Dr Harley's posts on this issue? That is the best advice you can receive because he has been dealing with this for 40 years.

This thread has all the information you need on the subject: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2445081#Post2445081