Ready,

This sounds much like what happened to WW and me. I didn't control myself but instead tried to control everything around me, including my wife. She later said I was trying to "mold" her. She said I was arrogant and condescending and told me I treated her like "crap." Only after D-day did she finally put it so bluntly.

IF she had said this six months ago, I probably would've got the message and made a big change. Just knowing she cared would've meant a lot to me, I really felt like she had no use for me since she never showed much emotion and seemed really cold and distant. We both fed into the cycle by not breaking it.

I relied on subtles signals and overall unhappiness to make me realize I needed to work on my marriage in a big way. Unfortunately, by then it was too late.



WS's blame everyone except themselves, it is part of their problem of being wayward in the first place. It is entitlement and resentment working together.

My WW is also very narcissistic, so in addition to my failings as a husband, WW is already prone to being self-centered and egotistical, IMVHO. So to her, everything is happening to her, her actions are not betrayal since she is just defending herself and HER feelings. A strange mixture of self-indulgence and a victim mentality.

BTW, WH's family will naturally take his side. They are his family.

You're not the only one who has regrets, ready. We all have our weaknesses and sometimes we cross the line. But in ALL marriages it takes two people to make a mess.

My WW could've persevered through the bad times and maybe today we'd be halfway toward a pretty solid marriage. I was coming around big time by the time d-day happened. I had a bunch of things planned for this summer, I was going to make it my priority that my W was treated like a princess. I was ready to love her like I should've.

But she didn't choose door A and seek God, she choose door B, and tried to replace her problems and unhappy marriage with another man. Does this sound like a healthy decision? I'm not sure any person deserves the burden she's placing on him, or the exploitation OM is using on my WW. This relationship is doomed. I'm not holding out for it, but it sounds like a real disaster scenario, at least I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that.

At some point she lowered her boundaries and let this OM into her life, her thoughts and then her bed. It's a very sad story when I think about it.

Galatians 6:7 "Do not be deceived; God is not mocked. A man reaps what he sows."

I keep praying for her and I just hope she realizes her need for Christ in her life.

Keep your head up, Ready. If you want to keep working for your M, that's commendable. I would just suggest letting it go at the same time. It sounds strange, but you also should protect yourself some. Pray God will allow you to find peace in this time. Let Him do the work and relieve yourself of any and all responsibilities for your marriage. Commit it to His great and able Hands.

God Bless,

A few months, WH sat me down one evening and said he was unhappy with our M. He suggested that we meet with our pastor but looking at the timeline of when the phone calls with OW began, WH was already in A. WH had everyone fooled: our pastor, our friends, and family. How can we work on a M if WH is in A? It was counterproductive for us and WH's intentions were to never tell me until I found evidence of A. By the time I was working on the M, it was too late. I was devastated. WH "checked out" of our M long before I even knew it.



I'm trying to keep me head up. It's hard at times. I do want to work on my M but I want to let go simultaneously. That's the tricky part.

After worshiping today, I went out to breakfast with my church friends. It's hard NOT to mention WH in my conversations with them. It's so natural to bring up my good memories with WH. I hope I'm not bothering my friends by mentioning WH so often.

I would like to find peace amidst this chaos. Everything I see and do reminds me of him. For instance, the breakfast place we went to this morning was where WH took me on the morning of my b-day four years ago. Everything is so sentimental.

How strange is this? While I was driving this morning, I saw WH's cousin running to the beach. I wanted to pull over and say "hi" to her but things are too different now. I kept on driving and became very emotional. I feel alienated from his family whom I was so close to. They seem to hate me ever since I exposed WH at his work. It's so sad that the family I married into is no longer loving or caring towards me. It's very much a grieving process to lose not only my H but his entire extended family.

I continue to pray for peace and clarity. I continue to pray for the softening of WH's heart and his repentance so he will walk in God's truth.

Blessings,

Me, too, Ready. My WW, I know from gathering information over the past two months, "checked out" a very long time ago. I know now she has been more or less pining for a different man then her A (this other man lives out of state.) She may of had an EA with him.

I know he is married and there is evidence she had been calling him and text messaging him from a long time ago. She had mentioned something about him before we were married but I just thought it was an isolated incident. I was naive. That should've been a huge red flag.

Now that I'm finding out so many things about how deceitful my WW is/was, I can completely see now that she has been rationalizing her adultery by blaming me for everything.

It is not all my fault. Once again, I can learn from my mistakes for my future wife, but I know my WW has been toying with an affair from even BEFORE we were married. If that makes any sense.

What I'm saying is I'm dealing with a woman who is not ready for marriage. She has no respect for me, my family or even herself for that matter. It is really sad, and I don't even know the half of it.

I still pray for her and sincerely hope she comes to terms with whatever issues she has, but I know our marriage is finished. She has no interest in being married, she has no right to be married.

This may come across harsh. I understand I am also a sinner and I recognize I need changes made, too. On the other hand, I am no longer prepared to walk this road with my WW, not when she entered into our marriage already carrying on some sort of affair with another married man.


I would make a conscience effort to maybe talk about him less, but if you do still talk about him, I think your friends will understand. It hasn't been that long. But I would also try to enter conversations by talking about others' interests and needs first. This will, in fact, help you emotionally because it will start to release you from any obsessing you might be doing.

Start by not talking about WH half as much, then the next week or two weeks go half as much again. Before you know it you not only will be talking about him less, you will be thinking about him less.

But don't judge yourself too harshly even if you still end up talking about him, be kind to yourself about it. This is a long process.


What about your own family? Are they around? Try not to hope too much for affection from WH's family, they probably don't want to think about what WH is doing. I am frustrated with my WW's family because they aren't confronting their daughter about this; however, this is their family and they will take care of it whichever way they please. Soon, I will not be in their family so there's not much I can do about it.

Ready, I respect your faithfulness to your WH. This is such a devastating situation. My pastor/counselor told me adultery is like a death of a spouse but worse because there is also rejection.

The good news is:

1) You did not deserve this. Remember that everyday. It was not your decision to go outside your marriage. You are doing what you're supposed to be doing no matter what anyone says.

2) You will be blessed by God as you seek Him more. Fully commit this to Him everyday. Pray His will in your life. Find other people to help and encourage. This will help YOU heal.

3) There are many other good men out there. You may not want to hear this yet, but it's not a bad thing to know. It doesn't mean you should give up on your husband, but you have to know he is not the last guy out there. Know that others out there will not reject you or do this to you.

and that goes to #4

4) This is not your fault. Remember that movie "Good Will Hunting" when Robin Williams tells Little Matt Damon like fifty times "It's not your fault" well... the same thing goes for you Ready, "It's not your fault." What? "It's not your fault!" "It's not your fault."

Now you may be saying well, Corinth doesn't know me and he doesn't know what is and what isn't my fault. But I'm telling you, it isn't your fault. You know how I know? Because bottom line is, you are trying to save the marriage and your WH is not, that IS why!

I pray you will get your husband back. But more important than that is that you seek Jesus first, because regardless of what your WH does, you will NEVER be truly at peace until you receive Christ fully and live for His glory. No man can do that for you. No woman can do that for me.

I tried to place my happiness on my wife in our marriage. More than that I tried to place my own self-worth on my wife sometimes. I would think, what kind of a reflection is my wife on me?

Bad idea. My worth needs to come from only one place, God. He made me, why should I try to live apart from Him?

If God didn't make us, why do we care about our marriages so much? If we just came from a swamp somewhere, why does our soul ache over our broken marriage? The answer is God gave us a spirit, and that spirit was made to have a relationship with God.

Start with your spiritual walk first, then rise up from there to your emotions, then to your thoughts, then to your behavior. You will have a whole new look on life when you ask Jesus to minister to your spirit first.

Give it all over to Christ and walk in His will for your life.

God Bless, I pray things get better for you this next week.

At least you know that your WW wasn't ready for M. My WH gave me all the indicators that he was "ready" for M. Our pre-marital counseling sessions revealed to me how serious he was about M. The responses he wrote in our pre-marital workbook were profound and honest. We spoke honestly and truthfully about our future as H and W. When I'd pose hypotheticals, he always responded, "Ready, marriage is for life. You don't get married to get divorced." After what he's put me through, I feel like I've been fooled by the man I loved! What a huge disappointment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'd love to know what issues my WH has! I know he has some serious ones but the sad thing is, I may never know. The possibility is scary but based on his chosen path, he wants to sweep me under the rug.



Thanks for the advice. I will put it into practice. I have to!


That's the sad part of my story- My dear mother passed away 3 years ago. She was my best friend. There was moments when I just want her back to keep me company. My H (we weren't engaged) had grown very close to me throughout my mother's fight with cancer. My mother was at peace knowing that H would take care of me. H was the kindest, most gentle, and most compassionate person for years.

I have grown closer to my sister. She, along with a lot of my friends, are so upset with WH's poor decisions.

My MIL became a second mother to me. It was a such a blessing to be a part of H's family because they all live so close to us. Losing WH and his family is like experiencing multiple deaths. It is so heartbreaking. I don't know why this is happening to me.

This is the most discouraging part of this process. I thought WH was a "good man." Having many friends who had unfaithful boyfriends, I was very selective about my own H. All of my friends and family were so impressed by his involvement in the community, church and morals. My friends wanted to find men like him. H has disappointed everyone. Maybe there was too much pressure on him to be "perfect" and I know that he definitely wasn't perfect but he didn't have to go to the extremes of an A.


Thank you for reminding me, Corinth. I have beaten myself up over this. It just isn't healthy for me.

I have definitely began with my spiritual walk. It's been the only thing that has flourished since the problems with WH began.

God bless you too, Corinth. You are in my prayers.

Ready,

I wish I knew anything more to say to you. I know much of this is just patience and the passage of time. But Jesus is walking with you. I know sometimes I feel frustrated with God and wonder why this has happened to me; however, God uses great tragedies to accomplish even greater things.

We are a part of something horrible having been witnesses to adultery, one of the most wicked acts I can imagine. And although the guilt and sorrow seem insurmountable at times, I have an even stronger feeling God is right there with me.

A friend of mine said that during his time of going through his wife's affair, he had the richest and deepest relationship with Jesus he had ever had up to that time. He is now an evangelical missionary who travels the world giving speeches and working with college aged missionaries and other revival loving Christians.

His new wife is a very godly woman and my friend has been blessed beyond belief with a new son and many opportunites to share the Gospel with others.

My point is that it's easy for me to get completely caught up in my own circumstances all the time. Although in reality, my life one year from now will be very different from where it is right now. God will bless me because I seek Him during my trials. Instead of me going out, drinking, maybe getting into some drugs, seeking out other women to comfort me, or otherwise giving myself over to anger and resentment, I am seeking His Word, His Son and fellowship with His people.

It sounds like a hocus-pocus crock for some people when I tell them that, but I have to say, I wouldn't believe it were possible if it wasn't happening to me. You said before, Ready, that your relationship with your sister has grown, right? That is a wonderful thing. It really is.

From this tragedy in my M, my relationship with one of my brothers and one of my sisters has grown further than it would've otherwise. These are true blessings that we are already seeing in our lives. These are family members whom we have a new and better relationship because of what's happened.

These are our testimonies. And testimonies come out of the fires of life. I can say I wish it had come from a different circumstance, but really my wife's affair some day will be more of something I was a witness to, rather than something that happened to ME. See what I mean? I take no ownership in her affair, it is hers. She owns it all to herself. I am a witness to it, but I am NOT the one who should ever take responsibility for it.

I just thought I'd leave these verses with you:

Romans 8:26-28 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;"

This last one is a prayer for your WH. I pray this for my WW.

Acts 26:18 "...to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me."

Take care, Ready. Read Philippians 4:6

I so want to believe that God is walking with me through all of this, but I hate to say this... I've lost the faith. I've stopped going to church, still pray though.

I guess I feel sorry for myself in that why is this happening to me? WH never went to church, don't know if he ever prayed, and look. He's the one happy liivng with the OW. He made the choice to leave his family and have the A, and he's happy with that choice.

I had no say in his A, and now I am the one having all the pain. Just doesn't seem fair that I was always the fatihful one to God, and I'm going through the pain right now, not my WH.

I know people say things happen for a reason, and God has a plan for all of us, maybe a better life ahead, but I want the life I had before my WH's A. Why couldn't I have had that? Why did this have to happen?

I know I ask silly questions that don't have answers. It's not me to judge what I should or shouldn't have in life I guess. But I just can't stop thinking that it's unfair sometimes that the people that believe in God end up getting hurt the most in the end.

As I said, WH didn't even believe, and he's not hurting now!

catgirl,

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you. I suppose the first thing I would say is we all lose faith at times. Right now I've lost faith my WW will ever come to her senses because she is so trapped up in her sin right now. She doesn't have to come back to me, but I keep praying she will at some point seek God in her life.

Having faith is difficult, but God never intended for us to do it all alone. He sent his Holy Spirit to be with us and comfort us through all the trials of life; which Paul writes, we should consider all joy.

Romans 5:3-5 "... not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

This last verse to me is unbelieveable, this is how God uses circumstances to better those who trust in Him. I don't know if things "happen for a reason," some things may, but I do know God can make reason out of our circumstances if we look to Him. It may take time, however, God doesn't work on our schedule, He has his own timing.

These answers are frustrating, I know. They don't seem to offer much immediate hope in the present pain we are in, but God WORKS in our lives as we continually trust in Him and His Word.

My advice would be to immediately begin reading and seeking out God's hope for us in the Bible. Find time as best you can to get into the Word. Read a little Psalms everyday, read Proverbs, then read Matthew and Romans in the New Testament.


Your WH may seem happy now, but in the long run he won't be. He will probably be miserable at some point down the road. The problem is we don't know when that will happen. It could be next week or it could be twenty years from now. That is also a frustrating answer because it seems like no answer at all really. I hate that answer myself, but I am also not God. If I were God, I would do things the way I want them, but like I said, I'm not.

My WW acts happy, too. She told me she likes where her relationship with OM is going. Right to my face while we are still married she tells me this. That hurts like nothing I've ever felt before. Why me? Why any of us?

The answer is because we live in a fallen world. This world is riddled with sin and sinful things. God didn't make our WS's rip our hearts out, our WS's were deceived into sin and have decided to stay in that sin. My WW acts happy because sin is fun for a while. Sometimes for a long while, but eventually sin rots us from the inside and eventually it doesn't fulfill like it used to and then we always try to replace it with something else and something more.

Would you trade places with your WS right now? No. It's insanity to be doing what our WS's are doing. But for us to only think about what we've lost is insanity, too.


You're going through pain because you care, there's nothing wrong with that. If you had no heart and felt no pain, there would be something wrong with you. People who are responsible always have to bear pain, but it also forces us to become stronger and more matured in order to deal with it. Would you want to live life like a WS? Only looking to satisfy yourself? You would be a perpetual child.


These aren't silly questions, they're real questions. They are what we struggle with daily. Your WH is in a far worse position than you are right now catgirl, but he is not your main concern either. Allow your present circumstances to be an opportunity for you to deepen your faith and to depend completely on the Lord.

This may seem like some fanatical response to a very serious circumstance but I assure you that by seeking Jesus and making a step toward getting yourself into the Bible everyday will do wonders for you. Also, consider getting back into fellowship at a local church and check out this website:

http://www.billygraham.org/SpiritualHelp_Article_Index.asp?MajorTopicID=3&MinorTopicID=51

Corinth,

The blessings I have experienced from this ordeal are my enhanced relationships with my sister, college friends and church friends. I have never been close to my sister but we now talk everyday. I only saw my college friends a few times a year but now we talk several times a week. I have also grown very close to my church friends, those who were friends with H first. I've "inherited" his friends since he left our church. My walk with Christ has continued to grow exponentially. It is so marvelous. These are certainly testimonies!

During this very challenging time, I am loyal to God, obeying His word and His truth. I have not given into the temptations of other men, drinking or partying. I continue to fellowship with God's people. These choices have been empowering.

Thank you for your encouragement, input and Scripture. I have posted several verses in my house to strengthen me.

Blessings to you.

Catgirl,
What you are feeling is natural. I have lost faith early in this trial but I have looked to God for His faithfulness and love because He will never leave us. God's desire is for us to be in relationship with Him. Relying on God during this difficult time by reading Scripture, worshiping, praying, reading Christian books and surrounding myself with my church friends have all helped me regain my faith.

Here are excerpts from a Christian book, Broken Heart on Hold, I've been reading for wives experiencing separation:
"Although it is painful to suffer, God can use heartache- if we let him- to bring out the priceless treasure within us. These trials have come, says Peter, so that 'our faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed'"
(1 Peter 1:7).

"...as long as we focus only on our pain and fight relentlessly for our rights, God cannot move us onto the next phase. It is natural to focus on our pain; it hurts; it cries for attention. But after we allow God's healing balm to find up the gaping wounds of our heart, we need to let God move us on to the restoration of our soul and the beauty for which he created us. He is the only one who can take our pain and pour it into the baptismal fire so it turns into a luster of gold."

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am sorry that all of us on this MB site have to endure such pain like an A in our M.

Becoming more active in my church and reading/ studying Scripture with those strong in their faith have helped me immensely. May we continue to let God restore our souls.

Blessings,

Hey, Ready? How's it been?

Hi Corinth,

Thanks for checking up on me. I was just thinking about you too.

I'm hanging in there. I met with my "new" IC last week which was good. I like her much better than my former one. She's also Christian and we have a better connection.

Last week, I ran into MIL's best friend at the mall. She and her family hosted an engagement party for us in 2004. She's a sweet lady. She has known WH and his family for more than 20 years. We chatted and she said my in-laws are very sad and in a lot of pain right now. I highly doubt she knows of the A considering how WH and his family are so concerned about their upper class image. I told her that due to circumstances, I wasn't talking to WH nor his family. (They are livid about me exposing WH at his work.) I told her to please say "hello" to my in-laws for me. She said that she would and gave me a hug. She also said that I looked cute which made me very happy because I certainly haven't been feeling cute since d-day.

God has definitely made some opportunities for me to run into friends that I haven't seen in awhile since my probs with WH. It's been a definite blessing.

This upcoming weekend is going to be a tough one. It's WH's cousin's wedding- the one that I was "uninvited" to since this M fiasco began. Events like this have been triggers for me. This will be the first big family get together since d-day without me. I'm going to have to keep myself busy this weekend because I was very upset for being uninvited. Maybe WH will miss me...yeah right, that fog is too dense.

How are you doing, Corinth?

Blessings,

Hi Ready,

I've wondered how things are going for you. It sounds like you're doing pretty well. I hope this weekend will turn out alright for you. Keeping busy is definitely the way to go. Lately, I've been laying around for some reason. It just feels like there's nothing to do, that kind of thing.

It's been tough the past few days for some reason I can't really figure it out except that the rejection is getting me down.

The most important thing I've found to get me past it is going back into scripture and getting on my knees before the Lord. It makes a difference; I need to remember my strength to deal with this is very limited. When I try to go it alone is when I start to feel the burden.

WW and I are moving rapidly toward D. She now has the papers for me to begin filing, the same ones I've had for three weeks from my own lawyer but I've been sitting on them, waiting to see...

I'm trying to make sense out of all the massive amounts of information I've been trying to absorb about infidelity over the past two months, you probably know what I mean. I think I'm overloaded with possibilities right now. Time to take a break, if that's possible.

Hi Corinth,

I'm saddened by your update. No matter how much we're willing to save our Ms, our WS' don't seem to want it. However, we're relinquishing our WS' over to God and God can perform miracles.

It is natural to feel overwhelmed by everything related to the A. You never thought you'd ever have to be in this position in the first place. It is hard to fathom how drastically things have changed since the A began. My life, my self-esteem, WH's life, our families' lives...the list goes on and on.

I have a male friend at church who has been divorced from his WW for a year now. He said he had a hard time with crying and opening up about the A. He said that he is impressed by how composed I am when we talk. I told him that perhaps this is the difference between men and women. I find it easy to be emotional with my girlfriends, crying openly and venting when needed. How are you coping with your emotions? Are you journaling your thoughts? I know it helps when I let my tears flow. I finally started journaling last month. There were too many thoughts cooped up on my brain. Instead of shutting myself out of the world, I've opened myself up. My WH, on the other hand, has isolated himself. I think this is why he isn't coping at all with his true feelings and finding distractions with Satan's temptations.

I'm glad that you're looking to Scripture and prayer to cope with all of this. You don't have the strength to bear the burden of all of this on your shoulders. Lean on Him. Look to His light and His truth.

I found a Christian book called, "Every Man's Battle- Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time" in WH's box of belongings he left behind. Have you heard of it or read it? WH read it when we were dating because we wanted to remain sexually pure before marriage. Out of curiousity, I read it last week. I showed this book to my IC last week and asked her if I should mail it to him. She read a few chapters and said it would be a good idea because it's neutral-sounding. It's Scripturally based and it would a kind reminder of the Christian man I married. There are several chapters dedicated to respecting and cherishing your W. It's completely on point. I'm going to mail the book to him, after all, it is HIS BOOK. (I noticed that you posted something about giving an article/ letter to your WW recently.)

Yes, taking a break would be a good idea. Can you get away for a few days to take a breather? If not, seeing a movie is always a great release for me. It's nice to be "transported" to another realm via a movie ticket. I've seen 4 movies in 2 weeks. It's been very therapeutic.

Do you exercise? I'm running in a half marathon next month with some church friends of mine. This will be my first long distance race. Exercising is a great way to release this unwanted stress. It helps me sleep better at night too.

Take care, Corinth. I'll be praying for you.

Hey ready,

Sounds like you're doing well. I can hear the purpose in your writing.

Me... I'm feeling disoriented these days. I'm not sure, I probably need to get out and exercise more, get my mind off this stuff. Of course, as I say that I'm here at my desk typing...

Sounds like you have a good male friend to talk to about this, someone who's been through it. Is he a Christian friend and was his WW a Christian? When you say emotionally he had a hard time crying and opening up, you mean he didn't let his emotions out, right?

Emotionally, for me, it's been brutal and I've been completely cut up at times. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm no stranger to the ways of crying lately. Part of that makes me feel weak. I still have the idea I shouldn't cry, especially over someone who walked out on me. You know, "take it like a man, I can do better" sort of thing. Problem is I care and won't stop caring for as long as I live. I will have scar tissue on my soul after this.

I've been writing a little bit. Funny thing is I used to write a lot of stories, but lately I really have no desire to write anything, not even to journal. In many ways this forum will be my journal.

I have the book "Every Man's Battle- Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time" at my bedside (along with about twenty other books all piled up) It's a great book. I haven't finished it yet, but it has so many valuable insights I believe all men should hear.

I bought the companion to it for females and considered giving it to my WW but decided against it since she would most likely just see it as an "attack" on her. I really wish she could see the value in it, just as I need to read a book like "Every Man" myself. I read part of the Woman's Battle and if she were open to it, I think it would help her a lot. I think she suffers from a lot of fantasy type blocks, IMO.

The rejection has been hardest lately for some reason, self-image takes a big hit. Letting God work on me isn't a bad idea. My prayer is I will come out way stronger than I went in, just waiting for the results still.

Thanks for the encouragement, ready.

Yes, he is a Christian friend. His WW wasn't a believer. They were only married 9 months but together for 8 yrs when his WW told him she wanted a D because he became a Christian. Conveniently, she was also in an A w/ a married co-worker who had an infant. My friend is still very bitter about the D and the A and it took him a long time to open up about the details. He didn't let his emotions out until many months later. Poor guy, each time when we talk, his eyes well up.



Corinth, don't feel weak for crying. It's a physical way to release the pain from our souls. There is no need to "take it like a man" because you love your WW. You made a lifelong commitment to her and to God. Let the tears flow. You need to.

All of us betrayed spouses will have scar tissue on our souls from these experiences. Once the fog thins out, I'm sure that the WS will grow scar tissue too, only in a lesser degree.



It took me a few months to finally journal my thoughts because I didn't want to re-live any of the nasty details of my experience. A lot of the horrible moments are seared into my memory and they creep into my thoughts unexpectedly. This is when I have to consciously expunge them from my mind. Reading Scripture or singing a song of praise helps me refocus because it becomes way too easy to get sucked up into the whirlwind of distractions. I still can't believe that my WH has this much control over me. If he only knew how much pain and grief he has caused me on a daily basis. Geeze. I feel like I'm a changed person, a weaker person at times and a stronger person at other times.


The insights are very valuable and such a good reminder of what men battle on a daily basis. Temptations are everywhere and it takes a conscious effort to avoid falling into the traps. It's a good book to re-read, especially when one feels weak. My WH had underlined certain parts of the book so I am hoping he will find the spiritual strength to re-read it again, or at least browse through it. I don't think I'm going to include my return address on the envelope or a note because I'm afraid he'll just throw it away without opening it. My alien WH is so against me. He sees me as his enemy. Hmm, I'm trying to help him, not hinder him. Sigh...What do you think?

I would like to read "Every Woman's Battle." I will have to look for it at the bookstore next time. I know I'd benefit from it too.


Rejection is never easy. I am having a very hard time with it myself. Being rejected by the spouse that you love is the hardest thing to accept. (I still can't believe that my H became a WH! I'm still in shock. It's scary.) Being a WS, grief is also involved. Grief isn't easy either. My pastor was telling me last week that grief has many layers. It's not black and white. It can be very complicated but being a WS, we are all working through grief in our own ways.

Based on your posts, I can already see that you've become stronger than you started. We're constantly being refined by God through our trials.


You're welcome. You have encouraged me in so many ways as well. We are children of God and He loves us.

God Bless You.

Hi ready,


I'm sure some day your WH will know and realize this. I guess the question then remains will he apologize, confront, accept his failure or will he run and hide from his decision to sin.

I see my WW continuing to run. She is having a good time with OM, said she is "happy" with her decision, with no regard for our M or me. Swept me under the rug. Sin can really twist us around into knots.

I've thought about if only my WW knew, I mean really knew, how deep the pain of her A goes, how she would react. I don't know. But some day it will be revealed.


My WW and I got into an argument last week over my letter, it got pretty bad. She noted how unthoughtful I am and how I don't realize the way I come off to people. She says I'm arrogant and without compassion. That pretty much sums up how she feels about me.

Point is until she sees me differently, all my attempts to help will always be seen as an attack. Your WH may feel the same way if you give him that book. My attempt made WW feel belittled, like I'm saying she's less than me. This, I believe, helps drive her A.


I never truly imagined that my WW would go to this extent. I mean, adultery is what happens to people on television, or in the celebrity papers, or to some really skanky person on the other side of town, but not in my marriage. You know?

Adultery is the bane of marriage and even if my marriage was poor, I never thought it could happen to me. That's in large part why it DID happen. I was complacent and my W lost her bearings and allowed so much deceit to build up inside her by the shows she watched, the people she surrounded herself with and by her own self-indulgence that she little by little let the idea of an affair become less and less of a tragedy and more of a right.

At this time she is only a glimpse of the great lady she could be. Sin does that. It does that to me when I play with it. She has so much potential, but I'm afraid this decision will dog her for a long time to come until she confronts it.

It is amazing at times to wake up and know this is where I find myself. The lonliness is a killer.

Faith is the key and turning it to God. When I sometimes question that fact it is only reaffirmed all the more. Last night I went through a serious fit of rage over this on my way to church. I challenged God to show me He is really in control and not just some bystander watching us beat ourselves to death.

Did I hear a wonderful song or a verse in church that changed me? No. Did I meet someone there who said some great prolific thing? No. I was full of bitter anger almost the entire service. I didn't sing one single song. I wanted to get up and leave the entire time. But I made myself stay and eventually my mind got off myself and the anger started to fall away.

The lesson is that this isn't even about me. Even when I'm in despair it's not about me. My circumstances aren't even about me half the time. I can't control my WW, I can't take responsibility for everything that happens to me. I just have to sit in God's presence sometimes and try to get my mind off of myself.

Since it's not about me, it's really about Jesus. How freeing is that? It makes more sense than the alternative.

I must have faith that if he created me and knows my soul I can trust him to bring me a godly woman to spend life with. I didn't do this before, I tried to run life on my terms, it hasn't worked...

Ready, you sound like you're doing well, considering... That's good to hear. I'll keep praying for you.

In Christ,

I'm sure some day your WH will know and realize this. I guess the question then remains will he apologize, confront, accept his failure or will he run and hide from his decision to sin.[/quote]

I hope so. I have yet to sense any remorse from WH. I was reading a book yesterday where it mentioned Godly sorrow as bringing a sinner to repentance. WH is void of this as well. I certainly hope he doesn't run and hide from his sin forever. These past few months have been torture for me. My patience has been running thin. With the D looming above me, it's my greatest fear that WH will continue to run and hide. This Plan B is making me a little insane at times because the idea of WH and OW makes me sick to my stomach. My IC said that maybe WH has broken up with OW but I doubt it. Until I hear from WH directly, it is my assumption that he is still sinning. For him, D is the answer to our M problems. Hmm, think again, buddy. Sin is so deceiving. It distorts one's logic and rational thinking. It's disgusting how sin make change a person so much.


Ironically, WH used to make comments about how disgusted he was with adulterous celebs when we'd watch TV or read celeb mags. He also used to comment about how gross women were when they wore slutty clothing or acted inappropriately at work. Yes, he made comments of his female co-workers and how gross they were. Can you believe it? Now, that is really sickening considering he was cheating on me with one of them! This still enrages me!

He used to remind me of how classy I was because of my mannerisms, lifestyle, and wardrobe. He used to tell me that he was very proud to have me as his wife. What happened there? He's with a slut that doesn't value the covenant of M and disrespects herself.


I never thought it would happen to me because WH appeared to be solid Christian H but no one is immune. I remember vividly how he told me how he couldn't believe two of his co-workers were having As with fellow co-workers. I was appalled that these people would have pursued anything outside of their M- especially at the office. Little did I know that this would be happening to us soon thereafter. The adultery bug seems to have bitten quite a few people at his office. My H happened to be one of them! Grrrr...


I know, every morning I wake up hoping that this has been a terrible nightmare. I just want my old H back. I want my old life back. I want to be able to laugh, dance and joke around with my H again. I want to find new recipes to cook for my H again. I want to plan vacations with him again. I want to feel his embrace again. I want to pray with him again. I want my H to tell me that I'm beautiful and treat me like a princess again. I know that at this point it isn't possible but the memories remain bright.

Loneliness is terribly painful. Though I'd never do this myself, I have come to understand why people have "rebound" relationships. It takes the pain away from being lonely. Eventually, our WS' won't be happy with their OPs. They just can't be. It will just depend on whether or not we're there to take them back.

You're completely right. It is very freeing. You're on God's timeframe, not your own. As much as I'd like to call the shots right now, I can't. Patience is hard to acquire but you must be patient. When you start getting frustrated, this is where Satan can lurk. Don't let the enemy implement any strongholds in your life that will weaken you.

I've started this new book called "Disciplines of a Godly Woman" and I'd like to share this with you-
"As we understand better what Scripture teaches about the spiritual benefits of perseverance, we can look to the future with hope instead of fear.
There are three specific reasons for our suffering:
1. Suffering is God's means of perfecting us.
2. Suffering is a means of spreading the Gospel.
3. In persevering through suffering we see God."

How true is that? Keep persevering, Corinth. Through your suffering, you see God. You're in my prayers.

I so can relate to what all of you have said.

I too am waiting for this nightmare to end and wake up from it all. Unfortunately, it's reality.

Never in a zillion years did I think infidelity would affect my M. Sure we were having problems, but nothing that I thought he would cheat on me for. People are shcocked to hear that WH could "do such a thing". It's so not like him.

I've filed for D, and some days I want it, some days I don't. I pray everyday that WH realizes what he's done and dumps OW. That doesn't seem like it will ever happen though. I think he'll just stay with her so he doens't have to admit he messed up. How will I ever cope if he marries OW and has kids with her? That would just put me over the edge.

My IC thinks I'm lonely, and that I just want him back in part for that. I agree.

I am extremely resentful that he has OW, is happy, and I have no one but kids and a dog!

Went out yesterday and saw families everywhere. Why did he have to put us on a road that we didn't want to be on? It's so unfair! Why couldn't we be one of those families? Yeah I guess I am feeling sorry for myself, but our kids didn't ask for this either. Their lives will be changed forever.

It's like I'm obsessed now looking at guys wearing their wedding rings and thinking, gee they love their wives and kids. They probably aren't having an A.

I don't see remorse from him, don't see anything. He seems content. Heck he hasn't even admitted he's in an A! Still says they are just friends even though they are living together.

OW filed D last week, so things must be going well for her and WH. I try to keep in a plan B for my sanity, so I don't know much of what's going on with them.

Why did he do this to me? Why did he change my life forever? I didn't ask for this. I can't get that out of my head. Was I such a horrible person? Then I start blaming God and things go downhill from there.

I want my old life and H back!

catgirl,

The disaster of adultery is it should never happen under any circumstances. Us BS's know that. For many of us the reality of an affair is incomprehensible. It is beyond our thinking.

The strange thing is many of our WS's were the same way before their A, that's also what makes it so hard to process. It makes no sense because God never intended it to happen. It's outside of reason.

My WW used to comment on how so-and-so cheats, or how she was once cheated on and how hurt she was.

Your WH is not thinking straight. He is neither truly happy or sad because he is not in touch with reality. He is responsible for what he's doing, but he's not in touch with the real world. He is in the grip of sin and self-centered behavior, self-indulgence and pride. Not a good combination. Just be glad you are on the side you are on through this disaster. Seriously, we don't pick what disasters befall us, but be thankful you are on the sane side right now, even if it feels crazy, you are on the right side.

If this is the Titanic, you are in one of the lifeboats right now, your husband is drunk swimming in the water. He needs a lifeboat but he might be so dazed from the cold water he doesn't know which way to go. He doesn't know what's good for him!


I think from what I can gather about affairs is they have less to do with the BS than the BS thinks. This is impossible to accept considering we seem to gather all the pain, but somehow it's also true. Affairs are mainly about entitlement for the wayward. They are prodigal, meaning they have taken their so-called inheritance and squandered it, by the time they are finished they will dine with the swine just as the prodigal son in Luke 15:16. "He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything."

Do you think Jesus has forgotten your husband? Has he forgotten my WW? Remember, Jesus loves your WH more than you do, and He hurts over your WH's betrayal more than you do too. That's the beauty of Jesus, He has gone before us to share in our pain and to die for all of our sins.

The catch is in the timing. None of us BS's know the timing, and that's the killer. We all want it to happen now, but it doesn't and it hurts.

Believe me I've had my bouts with God over this. I've sat alone screaming and cursing into the air over this mess. I've blamed God and told Him what I think of His crummy plans. The problem is, God is always good all the time. God IS love, He didn't make any of this happen. I know, then why create us just so we can suffer? Why make the world upside-down where the wicked have all the fun and the good bear all the suffering?

The only answers are in the Bible. Wide is the road to ****** and many will travel it, narrow is the path to righteousness and few will find it. This is how God works for some reason. If I had created the world I would have made baseball the way to heaven, but I'm not God so He made Jesus the Way. Sorry...

So then we see that God gave us all free will to make choices, He loved us enough to give us that freedom. Even the freedom to choose adultery over devotion. But His greatest miracle is in Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

He let us live freely, knew we would sin because of it, then sent Jesus to die for that sin. That is a great miracle and if we can concentrate more on that than our own pain we will be mostly to where God asks us to be.

What will happen really when this world passes away? Will I care about my WW? Maybe for a moment. Of course I care right now about her soul and her plight and her well-being (at least when I'm feeling nice) but when Christ comes back to this earth, all I'm going to care about is going with Him back to Heaven. That seems like a cop-out but it's true. Life has eternal implications, that's why we live it. And yes there is a reward, Heaven and everlasting peace, joy and love. We suffer for something!

The hard part is we are still human and we hurt deeply through this. I too hurt when I see a couple hugging and kissing. I wonder why I've been relegated to such misery here on earth. I want a whole, loving M, not this loneliness and disgrace, but the bottom line is I don't have a choice. I didn't make this happen! And neither did you catgirl.

Try not to desire your old life back. It will do you no good. Live in the moment for all the good you can find and look to the great future you have ahead of you. I have a future, you have a future, ready has a future. We must live it.

I'm no stranger to anger or depression over this. I have breakdowns also. The greatness though is when I reach the next peak and everything I've learned becomes evident. The valleys suck, but the peaks are where we get our payoffs and there's a great view from up there! So many mountaintops to look forward to climbing! Just don't wallow too long in those valleys. Sure they seem comfortable and sometimes I like to just stay there and not try to go ahead, but eventually it gets to me and I have to start climbing again.

Live life one day at a time. Try to start everyday by dedicating yourself to Christ. Reaffirm your belief in Him and He'll guide your paths.

The idea of an affair still going on is disgusting, huh? All I can say is if OW and WH knew what they were messing around with they wouldn't be doing this.

Proverbs 6:27,29 says "Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?... So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished."

I wouldn't want to be this OM right now. No matter how much pleasure (and this is the disgusting part) no matter how much he's getting from my W right now in pleasure or happiness or lust or love or whatever he wants to call it, I do not envy him one bit.


My patience is gone. I guess the difference is I'm not expecting my WW to change her mind, I'm not waiting for her to come to her senses. She has her own life now and it doesn't include me. Like my sister told me, she's made her bed, now she gets to sleep in it. It's not my responsibility anymore. I still want to work on myself and my communication and relationship skills. I will continue to reach out to my WW but... you see what I mean?


He has been deceived. Completely and thoroughly it sounds like. He should be grateful you're his W and he doesn't even know it. Or is he too afraid to admit his grand mistake? If there's a true change of heart it seems he'd want forgiveness no matter how humiliating it may be at first. Keep praying for this humility.

I'll keep praying for you, too. Thanks for the kind words. God Bless

I don't envy OW either, however, I feel like I am in competition with her. I don't want her to win my WH. Is that wrong? She is too consumed in this fantasy world of this A. From the evidence I found in April, her view of this A is sickening and warped. She needs some serious mental help. Breaking up a M is her way of finding happiness...what???


I have moments where I just want this M to be over. Sometimes I just want to wipe away my WH and start a new life with a man who will be loyal and committed to me. But my patience continues. WH told me in April that I was in denial and I said confidently, "I'm not in denial, I am just ready to forgive you." I know I'm not denial because the facts of the A have sunk in but it's the perseverance that intimidates him. Based on my past behavior, he never thought I had the patience to wait for the unknown. I've definitely surprised him. I don't know what the future will bring but I am trusting in the Lord with all of my heart.


Not to toot my own horn but my WH should be grateful. He was always so proud of my accomplishments and said it was the greatest honor to call me his wife. That was the biggest compliment of all. (It still brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.) I was proud of us for making it through some very low moments in my life like losing my mom. We were brought closer through tragedy.

I juggled my life to accommodate his needs. Yes, I found myself overwhelmed and stressed at times in our M but he forgave me. I take responsibility for my bad days...I do. Currently, I am working on myself, I really am. I want WH to notice what a changed woman I am. In all honesty, I am fearful I will never have the chance to show this to him. This is probably my greatest fear. I know it's not about WH anymore but I just can't help it.

BTW, I bought "Every Woman's Battle" and "Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome" today. My book collection is growing swiftly.

Here's a prayer from Beth Moore's "Praying in God's Word" that I find helpful to pray:
"Help me, Lord, to finally comprehend what it means to consider it pure joy whenever I face trials of many kinds. Help me to know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work in me so that I may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:2-4) Lord, You are not asking me to rejoice that I have lost someone or something precious, but You know that, in my loss I can rejoice in all I have to gain if I'm willing. Never must my suffering be in vain."

Many blessings.