I am new to this forum, found out about WH infidelity on Sunday...it hasn't even been a week! Anyway, let me explain my situation, and can someone please give me some advice? I'm so emotional right now...

WH told me that when he was out of town a couple of weeks ago, he cheated on me. I was (of course) devestated, however, I really love(d) him and was willing to forgive and try to patch things up. But he told me that he's confused, not sure why he did it, etc. And so I told him I'd give him some space to sort things out; I found out yesterday (from MIL) that he had to "get away for awhile" and he went back to the city where the EA occurred! Oh, and on D-Day, he also told me that he's still keeping in touch with the OW!

I don't know what to think about this...does he want out? Why is he still "in touch" with the OW? Do I wait until he's back from his little "trip" (supposed to be back this weekend) to see what he has to say? Am I acting as though I am the guilty one? We would be celebrating our 2nd anniversary in July; I am one of those people who never thought it could happen to me.

Someone please give me some advice; I a feeling a million different things right now, and I don't feel as though I can trust my own judgement. Anything anyone has to say would be appreciated.

Genie1980
-------------------------------
BW (me) 26
WH 26
Married 7/17/04; no kids
D-Day 6/04/06

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

It is very common for them to say they want space, when what they really want is to continue the affair.

How was your marriage before this happened? Does he have any issues from childhood?

Hi believer,

We were together for two and a half good (but not perfect) years before we were married. The first year of marriage was tough and resulted in a short seperation shortly after our 1st anniversary. We were both raised (or so I thought) to believe that marriage takes work, and so we got back together and vowed to do everything in our power to stay together. The past year had been great up until about a month and a half ago when my FIL had a stroke. Although he's recovered quickly and is doing well, I fear that my M suffered! I asked my H what was wrong, and was told "I'm worried about my father, I'm not happy with my job, I miss my friends." (We moved to BC from Alberta just over a year ago, and neither of us has met many people). I told him that I loved him and would support him in any way possible. Without going into great detail, things were up and down, and so I encouraged him to make a trip back to Alberta to visit his friends. And this is when the EA occurred! Needless to say, I feel betrayed, among other things.

As for childhood issues, I'd honestly have to say that I'm the one with that to deal with! And believe me, I have been. However, that being said, he told me of one incident from when he was 16 or 17 years old. His mom met someone on the internet and his father actually took her to the airport so she could catch a plane to the USA to meet the OP! She changed her mind though, and came back. I'm not sure that anyone besides my MIL knows what happened when she was gone. When my H told me this for the first time, he started to cry.

And this is part of what confuses me; I guess I thought that because of that one incident, my H would never have an EA. Pretty naive of me, huh??!!

Hi Genie,

Welcome to MB though sorry you have to be here!

I'm a bit confused by your story...you say that your H admitted he cheated on you but you keep referring to it as an EA (emotional affair). So, did he say he slept with OW or that they got emotionally close or what?

If you've been reading here you'll know that what believer says is sadly true. It's common for cheating spouses to say they 'need space' when really they just want to carry on the A unimpeded. It's a huge red flag that your H has gone back to the city where OW lives to 'get space'. I hate to say this to you, but it's likely that this means 'to see her', especially if he's told you he'd still in contact with her.

What else has he said to you? Has he said it's over? My advice to you would be as follows:
1) Start snooping all you can to see if you can find out what is really going on here. If your H is still involved in an A you can expect him to lie through his teeth to you. Sorry, but that's what cheating spouses do. I too am one of those who thought my H would NEVER cheat on me. Turns out he lied to me for well over a year, countless lies. He was still trying to lie and say I was 'reading too much into it' and they were 'just friends' when I read emails that were written after the A had been going on 6+ months. By snooping I mean ... cell phone, email, keylogger on computer if possible, whatever you can do. Check CC for details of hotels etc from this trip.
2) Read up on plan A
3) Keep posting here. Let us help you through it.

Big hugs,

Lil

Lil <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oops! My bad, I used the wrong acronym <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Please bear with me; I am new to this discussion forum thing, and my mind is just not in a good place right now!

My H cheated on me, or this is what he said to me. He did also tell me that he's keeping in contact with the OW (!), and when I finally asked why, he said it was her that "gave him the courage" to admit the A to me!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I suppose I should've mentioned that my H has friends in this city, and his bro & SIL live there as well. Still, I certainly question his choice of locations as he has friends in other cities too!

He did not tell me that it's over, though I didn't give him much of a chance. My rage took over any conversation we might have had. I am not sorry for it because the pain of his A is still very fresh. After giving this pretty much constant thought over the last few days, I've decided to try to talk to him when he gets back. Is this a bad idea? People say to trust your instincts, but that's what I did when I fell in love with him and look at where it got me!

Ugh. I feel for you because I think the lying has been one of the toughest things for me to accept. He came back from his trip to Alberta and told me that he loved me and I'm his best friend! I now feel stupid and naive to think that I feel for his violation of my trust! How could I be so dumb? I am so confused by everything...like I said, I have about a million different emotions that I'm trying to deal with right now! I wake up one morning feeling as though I'm drowning in sorrow; the next day I'll be mad as HE77!

I WILL keep posting here...this is only my first day and I'm beginning to realize how much this is going to help me! Thank you for your encouragement, and most of all the "big hugs" because I am alone right now (as I mentioned, friends and family are all in another province) and I need as many hugs as I can get!

Hello out there!

It has now been 5 days since my H told me of his A. I have more and more questions every day, and need to vent some of them here. Oh, and I am going to be getting a copy of Surviving An Affair...I can hardly wait to start reading!

First, I am aware that I need to be able to control my emotions before implementing Plan A. Could somebody please explain to me how I can work on doing this? Since finding out about the A, it hasn't been uncommon for me to experience 5 mood swings a day! First I'm sad, then I think I can get through this, then I get angry, and it just continues on like that. Please tell me some techniques (if any) some of you have used to control all of these emotions!

Second, my H and I had a very brief talk the day after he revealed the A to me. I know now (and knew then!) that it was too early, but I agreed to meet with him anyway. Needless to say, it didn't go well because I was VERY angry still. However, before we parted again, he said things like "I don't know if I love you anymore" and "I'm very very confused". At the time, I thought for sure that it meant the end of our marriage. After having cooled down a bit though, I started to think that we might still be able to do this. And all this week I have been up and down and back and forth. My question (at the end of all that ranting!) is this: why do I feel as though I am the only one who wants to save the marriage? Am I being naive (again)? Should I really just say "it's over" (when I see him again that is...I haven't heard from him since Monday.) Sometimes I feel as though I'm trying too hard to hold on, and I haven't even heard any more of what he has to say!

My third and final question: "I love you but I'm not in love with you". Does someone have an explanation of the difference? I fell in love with his witty sense of humour and outgoing personality. Those are a couple of things that I still love about him. I miss his eyes and his smile, and the way he smells (among other things). So what does this mean?

Any insight would be appreciated...

Genie, we've heard all of those words from wayward spouses (WS). They are standard and indicate nothing more than the wayward one is still involved in adultery. It's routine for them to have no motivation to save the marriage and, in fact, you will have to do all the heavy lifting for a long while if you want to salvage this. The question of whether to work that hard on bringing him back is completely up to you. Dr. Harley writes that if there are no children, it's more difficult to reconcile than if there were. Are you ready to work hard and expect little reward for a long time?

If you are, I suggest you click on the link in my signature block that leads you to a thread on how to organize a marital recovery. There is a lot of information on that thread from various people out here who have also suffered through an infidelity in their marriage and come out the other end sane and well.

Last, you will get a lot more people post to you if you take this over to the forum "General Questions II." JFO is not visited very often by the folks you need advising you.

Hang in there, Genie. We're all sorry you're here, but you've come to the right place for finding a support group and information on how to save your marriage.

genie,

I would order "Love Busters" too. If he's saying the old "I love you but am not in love with you line" it's usually an indication that you have been draining his love bank with love busters (and you may not have even known it - so don't take this the wrong way).

Like mentioned above, it's a pretty common line and it's often part of the fog of an affair. But both of those books will help you understand more and think about your next steps.

All the best,

-HD

Hi Genie,

How are things going now? Sorry it's taken me a couple days to post again. I'm sorry to hear you don't have friends of family close by that can be there for you right now. Have you been able to at least talk to someone you're close to at home? You will find lots of support here but you'll need all you can get.

Firstly, I just want you to know that the rollercoaster of emotions you are going through is ENTIRELY normal. It took me several MONTHS after finding out about my H's affair to stop feeling like I was constantly mood swinging, and most of those moods were bad. It's a tough road to get over an affair and even harder is your H is sitting on the fence.

I was 'lucky' in the sense that my H had ended the A before I found out and was immediately willing to quit his job and cut all contact with the OW. So I didn't hear a lot of the crap many people here have.But I wonder if I would have had I found out while the A was still going on and he was 'in the fog' as they say, because I've read over and over these lines your H is telling you: 'I"'m confused', 'I need space', 'i love you but i'm not in love with you.' All of these are textbook. All of them have far more to do with his A than his real feelings for you. I doubt he was lying when he said he loved you and you're his best friend. He does; you are. But right now he can't see straight because the A has addled his brains, hormones and common sense.

Obviously no one but you knows your situation or what is best for you but Longhorn makes some good points. If you want to save your marriage there's a very good chance you CAN but you probably do need to think long and hard about whether it's worth the effort given that you've had a troubled marriage from the start and that you're young and have no kids. That said, I also know how impossible it can be to make a clear decision when you're rollercoastering (understandably) through all these awful emotions. I think it makes you temporarily deranged and it's pretty hard to make a rational decision when you feel a bit unhinged. The best you can do right now is try to listen to your intuition and take as good care of yourself as possible right now. And I know even both those things can be really hard at a time like this.

I'm just a few years older than you (31) and we have no kids either. I've had to think long and hard about whether it's worth all this work to save our relationship. Recovering from an affair is incredibly hard and draining. At the moment I feel that the 8 mostly good years we've had together make it at least worth a good shot -- and things are greatly improving for us just lately -- but there are still many days I wonder if we wouldn't be better off cutting our losses and starting over.

That said, for me I can definitely see glimmers of hope that going through this and making it out the other side MAY actually give us a much stronger, happier, healthier relationship, but it's a rough road and the light at the end of the tunnel hasn't fully emerged. And that's WITH my H being fully committed to recovering. If your H isn't it's going to be even rockier. Which again, doesn't mean you can't do it, but it probably ain't gonna be easy.

It worries me that your H said OW gave him the 'courage' to tell you about the A. This suggests a fair amount of emotional involvement. Is there a chance this has been going on longer than he's told you? I still think you need to find out as much as you can about what's really going on. Then, if you do want to try to work it out then it would help to read up on plan A and determine a strategy for dealing with it.

It'll probably be pretty hard for you to resist talking about it as soon as he gets home (I know I couldn't if I were you) but, as you know it will be hard to do this without getting very emotional - it's still so fresh. But you'd do well to try to talk to him as calmly and unaccusingly and lovingly as you can manage.

Sending good luck wishes your way and more big hugs. Please do keep us posted.

L xx

Hello everyone!

LH <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Nice to hear from you! Thanks for the tip on getting the thread moved...I've emailed the Administrator to do so for me! I have been asking myself over and over again if I am really, SERIOUSLY willing to "do the heavy lifting" as you put it. I married him because I loved him, but now he's changed in my eyes. Is it worth my time? I just don't know yet...I've got some serious soul searching to do yet.

HD <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Nice to hear from you too! I will definitely get my hands on a copy of Love Busters...I can tell you with certainty that I was indeed draining his love bank (though this goes both ways). I am curious to learn just what exactly I have/have not been doing to drain his love bank.

Lil, it is so good to hear from you again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Today I am having a rough day...mostly I think because it's the weekend and I truly have nothing to take my mind off of this. I have things planned for myself though, just to get me out of the house!

Thank you...I needed to hear that he most likely meant it when he said that he does love me and I am his best friend. I guess I just need to hear that I might still mean something to him, and I am not just a piece of meat that he's used!

As for listening to my intuition...right now, it's saying "no", but I just bet that in a couple of hours it'll be saying "yes". My gut feeling has changed just as often as my mood this past week! When I think back to what he said to me, "I don't know if I find you attractive, maybe I'm too immature for marriage", I can't help but think that it must really be over. I just don't understand it though; before we were even married, I asked him over and over and over again if he was POSITIVE that he wanted to get married, and he always said "yes". He never said, "yes, but can we put it off for awhile?" or "no, I don't want to get married." I offered him "a way out" MANY TIMES!!! I wonder if these past almost 2 years have been nothing but a lie...

As for it possible going on longer then he's told me, I can't say yes or no for sure. Suffice it to say that it nothing would surprise me anymore. I did ask him, and he denied it, but having been doing some reading on this site, I know that trusting him right now is useless. I'm going to take a guess and say that he's been involved with her longer then he's admitted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

There is one thing that I need absolute clarification on from everyone: if he comes back to me and says that he doesn't want to work things out, does this truly mean it's the end? I mean, you can't save a marriage if both partners aren't willing, right???

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. Please, please keep responding because even though I've been talking to family and friends, none of them have been in the same situation! I need the input from people who have actually been there...

You don't need a moderator's help to "move your thread." By that, we mean just to start a new thread on GQII. If you want, you can copy and paste from your thread here. Sorry about the confusion.

Ummm...oh. I am not the brightest crayon when it comes to technology... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I'll do that ASAP!

Thanks LH <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi everyone,

I've moved this thread to "General Questions II". Please post your replies there...

Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />