DS was with WEx this weekend. WEx just moved again with a friend. Apparantly OW kept calling his cell phone and he finally gave her directions to where he is now living. According to DS she showed up and he went outside and got in the car. DS said the sun roof was down and OW was yelling and cursing at him. DS thinks she called him a bassturd. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> In addition, my name was mentioned! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> AFter much yelling, the OW finally left. WEx came back in the house but DS said she kept calling him. He took the calls, which appeared to be more arguing, outside. When he came back in he slammed the door.

I pretty much know his whereabouts for the past week and it hasn't been with her. Prior to this he has been very friendly with me but I knew he was still sneaking over to her place. Not as often but I knew there was still contact.

Before anyone asks, I will answer the question. Why do I care? Because I still love the man I've always known. I think the divorce was a knee jerk reaction to what he thought might be his last chance at happiness in his MLC. Under the right circumstances, I would consider marrying him again.

BTW, his good friend that he works with reports that he still refers to me as his wife in certain conversations with people and refers to our house/town as his home, as though nothing has changed.

The other week I broke down and LB'd. I started crying and asked him how he could forget he had a wife and son. I told him I was lonely and I was sick and tired of being lonely. He told me he still loves me (to which I didn't respond) and that he only sees OW "once in a blue moon". I told him well, there sure seem to be a lot of blue moons over in her town. The next night he came over and seemed to be wanting to make it better with me but I was fed up and was cold to him. Since then he has been distant to me but might have broken up with OW.

Tonight he came by to get DS and was asking for 2 CD's that he thought he returned to OW's friend a long time ago. Guess she wants them back. Another sign of a breakup? She's asking for things back?

He seems angry and preoccupied this week and is not paying much attention to me, but still gooses me. What do you think is going on?

He also came over tonight from a fundraiser and he reaked of cheap cologne. I said "Are you wearing cologne?" And he said "Yeah, it's the cologne YOU gave me a few years ago. Did I put too much on?" I said "Yeah, and I thought I threw that away!" (I hate cologne on men, I just like them to smell clean!)

Anyhow, I feel like a teenager asking these questions but I haven't had any feedback in a while and I'm having a hard time reading the sitch.

Any thoughts?

Shattered:

I have thoughts....but reading over your last post, I am quite sure you don't want to hear them. I think you said it best when you stated that you just were not ready to be in Plan B or disconnect from your EX-husband. If you aren't ready for that, any advice or opinion to the contrary to what you want to hear is going to be interpreted as "negative" or "unsupportive". SO, rather than tell you what I really think, I'll ask you what you are doing to build stronger support networks, and a new life? Perhaps if you don't feel the desperate "need" to remain connected in any way to a man you are divorced from, and who has helped you willingly go to the land of turmoil you are in, you may find strength to make those changes.

I know what you need tonight...and I am sure you'll get it from someone who will give you hope and "read" the situation as your thread title implies....BUT....isn't the issue much greater than this?

Just asking.

Lem

I think one of the reasons I'm having a hard time disconnecting is because he was my best friend, for all intents and purposes my only family, my husband, etc. I never ever thought of myself as dependent on him and prided myself in my independence. I was shocked to discover how much I was dependant on him.

I have to say I have issues with "friends", "support networks" etc. They just don't pass muster with me. When I have been in my darkest hours, it has been strangers on the internet that have helped me through, not friends, and not family. Family wanted me to sweep it under the rug and forget my prior life ever existed and friends wanted to trash him. No one wanted to come over and sit with me. Watch a movie with me, make me a meal, or just hold my hand and let me cry. I think friends and family are overrated. In my darkest hours, there's just been me.

Shattered - don't be too hard on your friends and family. Until someone has gone through this, they have no idea what it is like.

The question I am asking myself is whether it is that you really love him or that you are still dependent on him (or some of both). It is hard to lose a relationship because you lose so much of yourself with it. I think that you need to focus on you. You should get "yourself" back and intact and only then should you make the decision to take WH back if that is his desire. It sounds like you need some more time to heal. JMO. Just don't be impatient.

[color:"red"]Divorce final 12/05 [/color]

Give yourself another year ... you're still grieving

Pep

Shattered, this is a very sad statement to read. You are going to have to get to the real "core" of why you feel this way, and how you can change that.....and WHY you have not been able to make or strenghthen bonds with people IN REAL life who can help you grow emotionally, physically and spirtually. While, this board can be great for "support" it can equally support and enable severely dysfunctional behavior.

By remaining dependent on your EX-husband, you have allowed him to continue to call the shots in your life....and he will gladly do this as you let him. You have taught him that he can NOT honor his word to you, he can lie to you, he can get fixes from you as he pleases (gooses and all)....and when things are troubled in paradise you'll be right there waiting like a lap dog.

How else can someone of reasonable intelligence interpret your situation? It is quite sad....but alas, it is your life, and you seem to me someone who has the intelligence to know what she is getting. You get what you pay for in this life...and you are getting your money's worth here.

Not much else to say from my vantage. Anything else I will say will not be of any help to you.

Goodluck with this. I hope your son is faring well.

Lem

(((Shattered)))
I'm glad you are posting again. We missed you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It sounds like trouble in paradise. Are you still spending time w/ WxH? Are you still in plan A?

Maybe you should step back a little not be so available to him let them self destruct.

It has only been one year since d-day. In that year I have been through infidelity, gotten divorced, moved, became a single mom, had to reenter the work force as a middle aged woman and was in a car accident. Yes I am grieving, most definately.

I just have to ask though. Why do people respond differently to me because I am divorced? Why do I feel like people think I should not want him back after divorce? It is a piece of paper and I am no different than anyone out there who is not divorced but their spouse is out running around. I feel like my WH has never been sure of what he was doing. I imagine him to be scared and unsure. He has always told me he loved me and has not burned me in the divorce. Other's spouses say they hate them, they do not speak, they do horrible things with money and custody, etc. but they seem to have more support for their relationship only because the spouse hasn't filed for divorce. I just don't get that.

grieve

write it all out

there are no answers that exist on this board
that do not begin as a seed in your own heart

Pep

Pep that's beautiful.

... and it's true

Shattered, I've found this to be true, too, not just when my WXH left me for MOW 5 12/ years ago, but when I was diagnosed with breast cancer 8/98, 18 months after my mom died of that disease, and again when my stepson committed suicide 2 years ago (6/13/04). As believer said, the only people who really understand what you're going through are other people who are going through it or who've been through it themselves.

Healing yourself is the best way to heal your relationship with your XH, whatever direction that ultimately takes. People do remarry successfully, but there's no shortcut through the grieving and self-examination. Your future, as well as your XH's, is in God's hands.

Live your life with casual indifference to your ExH, and place yourself around strong self-confident people. Put relationship thoughts with your ExH on the shelf until you are certain he's established NC with the OW, without ANY coaxing, cajoling or overt influence from you.

Get yourself healed, happy and healthy, then, and only then should you consider re-entry to a R with the ExH.

There is no great urgency to proceed full speed ahead from the frying pan to the fire.

Take your time.

Best wishes,
SD

To be honest, I really didn't know you were divorced. I tend not to read sig lines. My advice is to get yourself back. Find out who you are again. Don't be so tied to WH and dependent on him. Once you find out who you are, then decide if you want him back. I just think you might be confusing love and need. They have many common traits but are quite different. I don't view divorce as "final". Divorced people still get remarried. I just think you need time.

Thank you all for your responses. I feel very vulnerable right now and I hesitated to write down what I was really thinking and feeling. I didn't sleep well at all last night so I hope to just make it through the day today without my head dropping to my desk and snoring.

I am "living" my life as though he is not coming back and have made several decisions based upon that. I would have made different decisions if I was trying to please him. As I said, there is still that emotional draw. My love for him didn't die overnight.

I guess I need to get out more. The problem is I need to find a new circle of friends that can get out with me. Most people are in a relationship and spend their free time with their significant other.

Well off to work I go. Thanks again.
S.

shattered05

Your last post puts the reality of your situation in perspective. Since you are officially divorced, you are under no obligation to do anything in regards to any R with your ExH.

I would consider a plan not wholly unlike Plan B, with your contact with WXH minimized so long as he's till involved in the A. Like you reported, it seems there is trouble in paradise, and it would be in your best interest to let the illict relationship play out, and dissolve without your influence in any way. You remain semi-dark, and regardless off your feelings for WXH, remain emotionally unavailble to him. Fill NONE of his EN's while remaining cordial in your meetings. Don't allow any more goosing, and enforce boundaries with him like you were just recently introduced as friends.

Continue to make the OW fill ALL his needs. They are living in a hailstorm of luvebusters, so let all that run its course, and let the affair die an ugly and natural death. In the mean time, get yourself involved with some new people who share your interests and who are self assured and have similar moral values.

Allow the wounds to heal, while you are active in "finding yourself" in a positive way. There is no sense of urgency to anything regarding rekindling the R with WXH. Take this time and use it for your own persona growth.

Best wishes
SD

SD's,

Thank you so much for taking the time to post. I think I am starting to "get it". I guess I have been a bit of a doormat. I will write more later or tomorrow as I do have plans to go out tonight, even though I am dead tired.

Thanks.
S.

Shattered05 - I understand exactly what you are going through with that. Are we just making excuses though? I don't know, I have given a lot of thought to that lately. I know it is hard, working and taking care of the house and child to find time to "find a new circle of friends." My advice to the both of us is to 1) stop making excuses and just take that first step and 2) call on our old friends, I am sure we would be surprised at how much fun we would have!

Glad to be reading you again!

Kim

I am a plan B advocate...that was the ONLY time my now xh, then H responded positively and came home.

I would consider doing it now.

you are divorced...you're already supposed to be separated.

what I'd do?

I would do THREE WEEKS OF AN IMPECCABLE AND UNFORGETTABLE PLAN A...complete with having xh over for nice dinners, comfy house, time w/kids, and family fun...make nice family events and nights...

and then voila...have change of heart.

have plan b letter delivered.

and then see how dark you can go.

it will drive them to break up...they are on thin ice my dear.

and the ow? she will self destruct ON HER OWN...just give her the time and space to prove it to your xh. they are usually self centered, narcissistic people WITH VERY LOW SELF ESTEEMS, and are sometimes imho, also codependents and basket cases...all my xh's ow were/are.

best way to make YOU ATTRACTIVE? be UNAVAILABLE TO HIM...just go after him 100 percent...then send plan b letter announcing you can't go on living like this, you're divorced now, and deserve to be happy and while you want a future with him, you can't ever be with him or will one day be with somebody who will love you and your kids like a real man can..something like that...and say that you cherish him, and hope you two can work it out, but that you refuse to sacrifice more of your heart, life, and time to a man who is NO LONGER YOUR HUSBAND and is ENTRENCHED IN A SINFUL ADULTEROUS AFFAIR WITH AN UNSTABLE WOMAN...and I'd also go on about how she was SWEARING IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS...and how her behavior is incredibly damaging for your kids to witness even if it is over the phone. ask if she is seeing a shrink...make him think you think ow is insane! and a danger to the kids too!

you've been put over the edge..hence your lb'ing.

but it's time to put up or shut up.

life AFTER DIVORCE ain't that bad...it is the life you choose to embrace that's all.

I grieved...and rarely do much anymore. still have some small bouts with anger and they "why in the heck did he do that?" stuff...but I am happy now. I deserve MORE THAN MY XH COULD OFFER ME...I DESERVE MORE THAN A LIAR AND A CHEATER WHO IS NOT WILLING TO CHANGE OR BE THE KIND OF MAN I REQUIRE..also quit saying the word "need"...do not say "I NEED HIM"...you don't. you just THINK YOU DO.

say "I'd like a relationship with him" or anything...change the dependency in the words..and then follow up with your actions.

a severely codependent woman to a WS is VERY VERY VERY UNATTRACTIVE.

hence the 3 weeks of killer plan a...followed by darkest of dark b..which could go on forever if he doesn't shape up..or if you decide you really like your new life better.

get the cake eater off the fence.