Hey all. Looking for a little advice here... I plan on exposing my WW’s A to the OMW early-to-middle of next week. You can refer to this post for my entire situation:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/fav...amp;postmarker=
But in short, I know that my WW and OM plan to partake in sexual acts in the same hotel room where my 7-year-old-son would be staying. No need to talk about how sick of an act this is. I’m sure they are blind to that aspect, and are further intrigued by the extra risk. My therapist and attorney have discussed it in detail with me. There seems to be no legal action that I can take until it actually happens. But you can be [email]d@mn[/email] sure that I am not going to let that willingly happen.

So among other aspects, from a self-serving aspect, I want the OMW to know of the A so that I get some additional aide from that side in slowing down this A; for the sole purpose of making it extremely difficult for them to accidentally (or even intentionally) expose my children to their adultery acts.

(A few side notes:
- My WW is being served w/divorce next week.
- Then I will only allow her $50/week for personal spending on top of what I pay to maintain the household, until we negotiate a separation plan or have our temporary trial.
- I will communicate to her that I will report her to the authorities if she takes the children anywhere without my express permission.
- I will be canceling her travel and hotel reservations for that twisted trip that she planned.
- Hopefully all of this will protect my children to the maximum extent that I can provide.)

OM & OMW info:
- They both have careers.
- They have 4 children together, ranging from 1 yr to 8 years.
- They live over 8 hours from us.
Is there any other information that I should provide in order for you to give me better advice?

I am looking for the best way to expose to OMW. I do not unnecessarily want to upset her, but figure most “normal” people would want to know anyways. Of course I also have my children’s self-serving interest as a goal too.
- I probably can’t inform her in person.
- Would have to be by telephone.
- I would like to offer her some useful advice about affairs in addition to being the harbinger of bad news.
- They are a Jewish couple; right now all I can think of is to tell her to contact her Rabi for support and advice. I doubt she’d be ready to spring into reading a bunch of books and websites over night.

I also don’t know if I should provide her with any hard proof of the A. The stuff that I could provide to her is pretty… well?… lewd. I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending it to her. But I know what time every night she could see it 1st hand in the OM’s home-office…

First and foremost I want to do the right thing for my kids.
Next, I want to do the right ting for myself.
But I still want to do as much of the right thing for the OMW as possible. She is a victim too.

Thanks for any an all advice.
--d2m3b

d2m, I would refer her to this forum and suggest that she get her hands on Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. This will be her GREATEST source of help. I would give her whatever evidence you have because she will need it. Her H will try to deny the affair but if she has hard evidence he won't be able to talk his way out of it.

Be sure and give her your phone # and email so you can stay in touch. By staying in touch and becoming allies, you will have a better chance of busting up the affair.


Why are you doing this? Do you plan on getting on divorce?

Give her the evidence. Although it will be very hurtful, the OM won't be able to talk his way out of this one. That happens a lot.

Melody,
Yes, I am divorcing her. (Or at least legitimately finalizing what she initiated.) My other thread goes in to much more detail. But the main reason that I will be limiting the money available to her, is to protect my children. She is NOT logical right now. She has already purchased this entire trip with my son, as a disguise for her “REAL business” that week. She can take $50 and go about her “REAL business” all she wants; as far as I care. But there is NO WAY that a child belongs in that hotel room.
--d2m3b.

[color:"red"] But in short, I know that my WW and OM plan to partake in sexual acts in the same hotel room where my 7-year-old-son would be staying. No need to talk about how sick of an act this is. I’m sure they are blind to that aspect, and are further intrigued by the extra risk. My therapist and attorney have discussed it in detail with me. There seems to be no legal action that I can take until it actually happens. But you can be [email]d@mn[/email] sure that I am not going to let that willingly happen.[/color]

tell OMW about the hotel plans

suggest you and she and her Rabbi and other large-sized family members show up at the hotel for an intervention...

:knock-knock: "room service"

prolly not a good idea ~~~> Mr W (attorney) is gonna flip out when he reads this ... but it is a fantasy of mine to storm the HOtel door and stop the fun before it begins !!!

Take a video camera along ....

just kidding (maybe)

Pep

Pep,
I laugh about this type of fantasy every week with my therapist. It could be pretty funny if it wasn't so disgustingly sick. But still makes for healthy fantasies, none-the-less.
--d2m3b.

Um Why are you here now on the cusp of divorce? Why are you only now thinking of exposing to OM'sW?

Yea, why did you file for divorce?

Do you want one?

If yes, why are you planning the exposure? Protecting the kids isn't the answer because unless you'll have sole custody after the divorce, your wife and OM will be able to do as they please. That said, exposing to OM's W should be done regardless because she may not want a divorce.

Hard proof may be necessary for her to believe you. The initial reaction of most BSs when notified that their spouse is having an affair is denial. They don't want to believe it. Hard evidence makes the case.

I was trying to be efficient and not retype my entire story on this thread since it already exists at:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/fav...amp;postmarker=
I received a lot of advice from longhorn there. My situation is complicated, and that’s probably why you are asking me a lot of “why” questions. But let’s try the condensed version…

My wife plans to split and take the kids with her to live out of the country VERY soon. She is about to finalize her US citizenship; and will then have dual-citizenship; same as our children. But I have only US citizenship. Thus I filed for divorce, while we are all still US residents, in order to preserve my rights to my children. Initially I did not want a divorce. I’ve been trying to work things out for 5 of the past 7 months. My situation was just too complicated to apply straight textbook methods. I was also probably in denial about the A too long.

The sex of the A does not really bother me that much; it’s more the lies and total loss of trust. But now that a few weeks have gone by since I filed for D, I think divorce must happen. I since learned from her folks that she has always had low self-esteem, dependence issues (independent behavior, but never able to support herself) and also extreme use of manipulation. And I learned from her emails that she plans to use me financially & child care-wise, for a year or two, while she hides her A from me. When she “talks” to me, she is always trying to guilt me into feeling that it is justified for her to take the kids and leave me and also that it is *my* responsibility to make sure that *she* is successful in life, for the sake of our children.

She does not yet know that I know all about the affair and her underlying agendas. Since she is an international flight risk, my attorney highly recommends waiting until she is served by the deputies. After that we can lay everything out on the table and enter into mediation regarding child custody, etc.

I’m not saying that I would not be willing to work things out with her in the future, but for right now, divorce must happen for my & my children’s protection. If she cleans up her act and deals with her dependence and control (manipulation) issues, then that would be a huge 1st step for her to start regaining some of my trust. But right now I am not hopeful that she will come to reason. I am just working on bettering myself (as I was no saint either in past 10 years). And being available to my children as the best father that I’ve recently learned how to be. She is the only one that can deal with the ball that is in her court. And I am dealing with the ball that is in my court.

I know that I can never be 100% certain that my WW & OM conceal their acts away from the kids. But I hope that a little “light of day” goes a long way. That’s the advice that I was looking for in this thread. Plus right now my WW does not work (extending to extremely poor [email]S@HM[/email] & domestic support) & she depends on me as the sole bread winner; filing for D will hopefully put a big damper on her free time and money; two things that I’ve learned A’s consume massive amounts of.

I know that she is going to hate me to all ends of the Earth when the powder keg ignites next week. But I am OK with that and understanding of why she will feel that way. You won’t see me arguing with her. I will maintain that all of our negotiating must be done with a mediator present; and NEVER in front of the children. Who knows what the future may hold in store for us if she decides to get self improvement help too…

--d2m3b.

I wanted to chime in as someone who was informed by the OWH about my H and his W's A. He came to me in person, but if all you can do is call on the phone here is what I would suggest, from my experience...

Have it scripted in your mind because as soon as you drop the bomb she will likely go into shock and numbness. Tell her from the get-go your purpose of the call and then backtrack from there. Provide her with enough info that she knows this is a certainty, and tell her you can provide her hard proof if she wants it. Give your email/ph# so she can call if she has further questions once she gathers her thoughts. And offer her this site and the name of a couple books so she is pointed in some direction.

I am so sad for what this woman is about to hear...I had 3 little ones ages 4 and under when my doorbell rang...I had NO idea that this had been going on. But I am VERY thankful that OWH knew the importance of telling me...he told me the very next morning after finding out himself. That helped enormously in NC because the exposure totally blindsided both his W and my H.

Please do it soon, I am discouraged to hear that you have known about this for months and just now are getting ready to tell OMW, why not call her today?

Blessings,
Glad

Glad,
Thanks for the advice. Hearing your first hand experience is what I need to give me confidence that I am doing the right thing by informing OMW; and not just accelerating an unsuspecting soul’s wrecked life.

The ONLY reason that I am not calling OMW today is purely self-serving. I know that it sounds really bad; but it must be done this way. My WW could potentially flee internationally with my children if she catches wind of what is coming her way. The past month has gone by as painfully slow as the legal system works. As soon as my WW is served by deputies next week, you can bet that OMW will be informed.

Thanks again for sharing your first hand experience. I am glad to see that you are beautifully recovered.

--d2m3b.

FYI: WW was served on Tuesday evening. I exposed to OMW on Wednesday. More details at the link in my sig.
Thanks for the advice and discussion,
--d2m3b.