I have been lurking here for awhile and would appreciate some advice from bs who have already been through this. DH had an ea with a coworker. She and her husband were our best friends. The affair became physical and I caught them in May of 2005. PA was about 9 months, EA much longer. He no longer works with her. We were transferred out of state. We immediately went into MC and both of us want to save the marriage. Been together 26 years, married 17 years, 2 children aged 12 & 10.

Things were getting better and then MC started really addressing serious problems in marriage, mostly his parents and he was having a very difficult time with this. Around the 1 year anniversary, we both seemed to be a having a difficult time. I found proof that he had been in contact with her through phone only, not physical. He became very defensive and said mean things to me but all things that typical WS seem to say when caught. He agreed to NC and we told MC all about.
DH has been overall better but seems to go through periods of pulling away from me (& the children) emotionally. He has apologized to me when he is being difficult. And that is something he has had difficulty with our entire marriage, so I think that is a step in the right direction.

I still go through periods of uncertainty of his true intent with our relationship and of his maintaining NC. Is this normal? Our MC seems to think that DH resumed contact with OW because, MC was getting difficult for him and he felt he was getting picked on.
I am working extremely hard on no LBs and trying to make him feel safe with communicating with me. He keeps making future plans for us, which seems hopeful. What else should I be doing?

Did you alert the other husband that contact had resumed?

no, I am afraid of pushing my husband and her closer together.

Have you stressed the importance of No Contact. That just an email, phone call, can take your husband back to ground zero and make him and all others miserable while he goes through withdrawal again?

yes I have and so has our MC. Also told him it was unfair to agree to work on our marriage while he is in contact with her and using her for emotional support. He completely agreed and said he would tell me if there was any further contact. However, he had said that before. I am just wondering if he is struggling with withdrawal. And if so, what should I do? Or does it sound like there is still contact?

I don't know if there is contact or not, but I would suggest putting a keylogger on your computer and monitor cell phone calls.

My best advice would be to make an appointment with Steve Harley and let him help you to figure out what is stalling your marriage recovery.

Sincerely,
k.d.'s Heartbreak

At the time of first exposure, I probably revealed too much. I have put a keylogger on and am monitering cell and land phone. But he is not using either. This time, I caught him using his work cell phone which I can't montiter if he deletes his call log. We both like our MC and he spoke very strongly to my husband about this recent contact. What are the signs of withdrawal? Is anything typical?

I am going to post a link from Dr. Harley on withdrawal.
web page

Hopefully this will work.

Blessings,
k.d.'s Heartbreak

Thanks, I will read it.

On contacting the other husband:
Not contacting him allows your husband and her to be closer together. You're actually helping them to be closer.

Contacting the other husband allows him to fight the affair from the other side. If the roles were reversed, would you like to know that contact resumed? Hmmmmmmm?

What has your MC said about this? This will give us some sense of how much your MC knows about infidelity.

Your are passing up a significant opportunity to fight the affair by not contacting the other husband. You may as well hand over your husband to the OW.


Not only is it unfair, it's impossible to work on your marriage while contact continues. Every $ spent on MC is a $ wasted unless contact is ended. All the more reason to contact the other husband.

WAT

What are the consequences of contacting the ow spouse if there has been NC since they were caught again? Won't that give her a reason to get back in touch with my husband? Our MC suggested waiting to see if NC continued before making a decision about contacting the other husband.

It sounds to me like there is still contact. The best way to kill the affair is to tell the OMW. She should have been told a long time ago. I would also suggest that you expose this affair to your family members if that doesn't kill it. But the chances of the affair ending is much greater if you expose it.

Just to make sure we're on the same page - was the other husband informed of the resumed contact after "they were caught again"?

If yes, what (bad) consequences could there possibly be? You'd just be telling him something that he already knew.

If no, the (good) consequences of contacting him again are that you disrupt the affair! The other husband gets to know what he deserves to know and allows him to pressure the affair from his side.

The ONLY bad consequences are IF YOU DON'T CONTACT HIM AT ALL! That helps the affairees continue their affair.

Again, if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you like to know that contact had resumed?

WAT