Help! My WH suddenly wants to make the M work after I've given up and started the process of moving. Should I try again? Should I still move?

I posted here back in April (Has anyone on this site actually saved their marriage after infidelity and been happy?). The general feedback I received led me to believe that the marriage was probably not worth saving, but I haven’t been able to let go. We really do have a deep connection and I doubt I'll find that with anyone else.

I have been torn as to whether to move on or try to save the M. My WH had repeatedly lied about contact with OW and it was completely destroying whatever trust I had left in him. He agreed to MC at one point, but I cancelled when I discovered he was still in contact with OW.

I am moving back to our home town to be with my dying mother, my family, and my friends. After he told me that he thought we could fix the M, I gave him one final chance to commit with a deadline of Tuesday night. I offered to stay an additional 4-6 weeks, go to MC and recommit. He would have to agree to NC with OW, MC, IC, and eventually moving with me. We talked for 2 hrs Tues, but he didn’t feel he could agree to all terms, so we decided that separation was our best route. It hurt, but I was finally at peace with the decision.

Wednesday morning I gave the movers a $200 non-refundable deposit (just for loading the truck), reserved a truck, spent $750 on non-refundable airline tickets for my friends to help me move, and then went to my boss and gave 2 weeks notice. I have already started packing.

Thursday morning WH calls me in tears (he NEVER cries). He can’t live without me. He wants to be married to me forever. He saw OW the night before and they got along great; but he realized he didn't want her, he only wanted me. He will do whatever it takes to get me back. He’ll call OW w/me on other line to break it off, he’ll move back with me, he’ll find a new job, he’ll go to MC, etc…

My first reaction was to get mad. I had already made peace with my decision! Why is he doing this now that I have already taken steps to move on?

We talked for hours last night. I am still unsure. He got mad and left when I asked him a fairly benign question about OW. He called later and we talked more openly. He thought I would stop the settlement agreement and the move to work on the M, but I don’t feel like I can at this point.

My close friends and family members tell me to still move. They think he is just playing with me and I'll be better off without him. (None of them have lived through an affair.) My therapist tells me she doesn’t think my H has the “tools to make the marriage work.” (That's why I wanted MC and IC for him.)

Can we reconcile with 1,000 miles between us? We certainly can’t meet each other’s needs from that distance.

Should I stop the move? Should I go with the ultimatum that he’ll have to follow me to make it work? At least I would know he was serious. What if he gives up everything to follow me and we can’t make it work? Am I better off staying here longer? Why is he doing this now?

I need so serious perspective here! I'd appreciate any advice anyone can give.

AnnMarie,

My gut tells me that you should go ahead and move. You have given notice and spent a fair amount of money to that end. If your WH balks (changes his mind again) at this point, you stand to lose far more than just your marriage.

If he is sincere, let him move to join you. That will get him away from OW and allow you to begin working on your marriage.....if he is serious and willing.

Who

Hi Anne Marie,

While I am not familiar with your situation, I wouldn't cancel my move back to family and friends, but would extend to my husband that if he wants to reconcile, he was welcome to move with you, provided that he fulfilled your requirements of

IC, MC, No Contact ever again with OW, and full transparency with the goal to actively help recover your marriage.

It is quite normal for a ws to waffle back and forth between OW and BS.

You moving will definately force his hand in the matter and might just be the thing that brings your husband back to you.

Doing all that also runs the risk that he will not agree to it and result in the end of your relationship.

In the end, you have to decide what is the right thing for you to do.


Keep us informed,

k.d.'s Heartbreak

Ann,

If he REALLY was dedicated to saving your M what would stop him from performing those tasks if you were 1 mile away or 1000 miles. IMHO MC is WORTHLESS without the WS's self motivated NC, IC and a complete and total isolation of from members of the opposite sex.

This would prevent the "I love you, I miss you, I want you but oh by the way I went out with my piece of #ss last night" insult

Hi AM,

I read your previous posts. You both moved 1000 miles away to relocate for his job and now you want to move back to your (and his) hometown to be with your ailing mother, if I understand correctly. No kids.

I'd go. If he's serious he'll do the IC while you're gone. You havent been in your current town too long, he can certainly move back home, if he chooses. MB does recommend relocating and changing jobs after an A, if necessary.

At this point, it all words and a few tears. He's lied before, he said he would give up OW, but has not. As a gesture of good faith he could have least broken up with her before asking you to change your plans. He didnt.

I'd move. If he's worth anything, he'll get his act together and you two can try again. From what I see you've got nothing to loose.

CHOICE:
WH who thinks he can break up with his OW IF you stay
- vs -
real family...

Not even a close call, in my book. I know it's hard, but you knew you were doing the right thing. Please take care - Dru

Wow! The consensus is overwhelming. Thank you to Who, k.d.'s Heartbreak, Cymanca, and Drucilla. People who haven't been through something like this don't always understand. They just say "dump the loser." But, you guys get it, so your opinions mean a lot.

Sometimes you know the right thing to do, but emotions can overwhelm you. People will tell you that this is a time for logic, not emotion, but love is just so powerful.

We just had lunch together. I told him that I am still moving and want him to find a notary and sign the settlement agreement this afternoon. We are talking again tonight.

He agreed again to NC with OW. He claims that he'll at least send his resume around in our hometown. In the meantime, we'll continue to talk and see each other.

Actions do speak so much louder than words. Time will tell how serious he is about this. The job always came ahead of me. If that changes, I might start believing again. What a relief, however, to get that peace back about making the right decision. I can't wait to see my family and friends, especially my mom!

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and support!

AM

You aint kidding, sista! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm very glad to have some peace about your decision. Good luck with your move and please take care! - Dru

AnnMarie,

I just wanted to pipe in and say go ahead with your move. You have to take care of yourself and be were you wil be most happy and comfortable.

I myself am moving away to my family 1400 miles away from my WH and hos OW. Of course I will be divorced when I leave and I lknow its the best thing for me.

I agree with everyone else if/when the day comes your WH is serious he will move heaven and earth to be where you are. I also agree that moving away from the OW is the best thing in saving your marriage. IMHO being in the same town with her is to tempting. If my WH or STBEXWH ever gets his head out of his behind it would take him to move where I am for me to ever consider being with him again.

I like you am at peace with my decision and know its right for me. Move ahead for you and be happy. He knows what he has to do and if he really does mean it, you will know by his actions......

Take Care ,

Hurting

Hurting,

Thanks for the encouragement. I hate to hear that you are divorcing after 24 years! Glad you are now at peace with it, however.

I hope you are moving closer to your grandsons and not further away! I don't have any children, but it was always so hard for my mother to not have all of her grandchildren close by.

My only regret is that I had planned on really starting over when I got back home. I'll have a new job, new home, hopefully some new friends along with my old ones, and I just wanted a new life. Don't know what will happen now that I'll be thinking about reconciling with WH.

I hope that you get that great "starting over" experience. What is it that you've always wanted to do that you haven't? What will being on your own free you to do? It could be a great thing!

BTW, the main thing I need from my WH to reconcile, besides moving, is for him to take a job with less travel. The OW actually lives 270 miles away, but he managed to see her several times a month because he was always on the road. To think that he could drive 4 & 1/2 hours to see her, but wouldn't drive 6 miles to take me to lunch... Well, anyway, musn't dwell on the past.

Here's to a free and happy future for both of us!

AM

Anne Marie,
Asking your husband to find a job that doesnt require overnight travel could be one of your boundries for reconcilliation.

Sincerely,
k.d.'s Heartbreak