My question...

What were the main roadblocks you struggled to get past in your own recovery and in your ability to fully "give" to the marriage and to your partner, and what did your spouse do or you wished they did to help get you past these hurdles?

My W has NC and has stated a committment to staying in the M, but she says she doesn't feel like she can or may never be able to give more in the marriage, or enough for me. She has stated that I have worked much harder and given more pre-A and post-A. She doesn't know why she can't do more. She says she doesn't know if she loves me "enough".

I told her that I just needed her to love me the best she can... and that is enough for now. I liken it to the parable about the rich men giving their tithe, and then the poor widow giving her measly coin... all that she could. In God's eyes, the poor widow gave more. If that is my W's limits at this point, then I am ok. But can there be more?

She doesn't know... I can only guess at things... like fear of abandonment, childhood issues, shame and guilt, etc..

Is there any personal experiences or issues that must be overcome as a result of the A that stopped you from giving fully, even when you knew your spouse loved you, forgave you, and wanted to be married to you?

Shaden

I am surprised that you have not yet gotten any responses from the FWWs who seem to have an answer on behalf of other FWWs when their BSs ask for advice.

Since you have gotten no responses, I hope that mine (though providing no solution at all) may be more helpful than none so here goes.

I am afraid I cannot tell you what the main roadblocks were but can give you a little insight into current roadblocks. We are still in R and stumble head over heels throughout the obstacle course of R. So far, I have not yet been able to determine why I cannot open myself up fully to my H and our M. This is one of our biggest problems right now, apart from the usual communication problems.

Tonight, I got angry at my reaction to him when he kept insisting that I tell him what was on my mind. I was a little annoyed earlier (I can't even remember why now) and kinda clammed up. Whenever I'm annoyed or angry, I tend not to say anything because I find it harder to control my temper if I start letting anything out. Unfortunately, he gets anxious when I don't share my thoughts with him and he keeps pushing for me to open up with him. So I opened up and the floodgates opened. I couldn't control my tone of voice and I basically told it to him straight what was bugging me. Unfortunately he gets upset whenever I talk to him like that and so far the only way I can control it is by not saying anything while I am upset, but he can't accept this as reason enough for me not saying anything when I'm annoyed. So then I got angry at myself for not being able to control myself. Although still with feelings of anger, I apologized and told him how I felt. Then he reached out to me by stroking my head. I indicated that I didn't like that at the time and he left the bedroom upset because he believed that I had closed myself off to him. And the rollercoaster continues.

I have asked him to just let me ride out my feelings on my own whenever I am angry, but he says that this adversely affects him since I am shutting him out. I have tried to explain that I need the time and space to calm down, but he doesn't seem to be able to accept this. I am not sure what to do now.

The feelings of your wife are similar to mine. I have established absolute NC for over 2 months now and have no wish to break it. Prior to that, contact was strictly business via email only for about 3 months. Prior to that, for about 7 months after DDay, again for business reasons, contact was unavoidable but remained impersonal. I am committed to staying in the M and I have had similar discussions with my H about not being able to give any more or enough, especially when he insists that I do not actively work on our M.

Unfortunately, like your wife, I am still searching for the answer. My H says that he loves me, wants the best for me, has forgiven me, and wants to be with me, but it is still not enough for me to give myself to him and our M the way he would like. We have discussed the issue of not waiting for the feelings to be there before acting upon them , but rather, acting first and believing that the feelings will follow. I am trying as best I can to do this but sometimes I believe that this action goes against PORH. In my mind, I am being dishonest about my feelings by acting in a loving manner if I am not in a loving mood. Don't get me wrong by thinking that I don't ever feel to be loving toward my H. It is only sometimes, but somehow, in R, there seems to be no room for sometimes and the slightest slip causes a downhill fall until we catch a foothold and struggle back toward the top again.

The last time that I searched for an answer, I thought that it was because I didn't trust him (that's a pretty broad statement I know). I know that before DDay I thought that I no longer loved him. If all that we read is true, then my problem was that I was no longer "in love" with him, but that the love was still there to nurture. I do know that I still care for him, care about him. Sometimes I wonder if it's just guilt. I still don't know for sure if what I have or can offer is enough. Whenever my H second-guesses my committment, I begin to doubt myself as well. I believe that his reason for second-guessing me is to prevent me from getting complacent in my efforts for R, but this makes me feel more hopeless. It's a vicious circle. To top it all, we both fear that we are not "good enough" for each other and feed off each other's fears.

Hi Tangled,

Thanks for responding and sharing a piece of your feelings. You do sound like you may have a lot of similar feelings to my W.

It is so hard to understand from the spouses point of view how these feelings (or lack thereof) develop. I've learned so much already about myself and the mistakes I've made. I understand fully that marriage is hard and that neither spouse is perfect and will have bad days or setbacks. I also understand that, however it happened, her feelings became confused and you can't just flip the switch and turn them back on. All I am asking for at this point is that my W continue to try and find ways for help and to rekindle our M... through counseling, reading, spending time... whatever it takes.

I have committed to do on my part whatever is necessary (and had already made a lot of changes following an EA she had 5 years prior). All I want is a great marriage... it is the most important thing to me (along with my 2 sons)... and to be loved by my W.

I understand that I probably suffer from the "nice guy" syndrome... which I thought I was being a great husband, but really was behaving in a way for her to lose respect for me. She says she respects me, but it is the only explanation I can come up with... along with her own personal issues from the past which is hindering our recovery. I realize that I have tried to control through giving and doing nice things... expecting in return. I realize just as I can't make my W happy, neither can she make me happy.

It is so frustrating knowing that my love is not returned. I've decided to go to IC since my W won't go back to MC...atleast I can repair some of my own issues. I will continue to have patience, show my love, and work on myself. Maybe she will love me again in time.

As to your comments about your situation. It sounds to me that both of you are not feeling safe to share emotions... you both want to but hurt each other in the process. You opened up, which he wanted, and even though you showed your temper... he probably should have remained calm to show you that it is safe to open up to him. By him getting angry in return, causes you to clam up... and by you clamming up, it causes him to feel insecure. It is a vicious cycle. You need to discuss this with him, and try it again... asking him to remain calm and create a safe place for you to vent... in return, you will be able to open up more often. IMO.

thanks,

Shaden

any other thoughts to my 1st question from FWW's? I realize that the names are put on of FWW or FBW, etc. to explain the difference... but I just prefer to say Wives.