I need help. How do you stop yourself from looking for reasons to leave your WS? I want my marriage to work. But I am so hurt from what has happened to us. I sometimes can't stop myself from looking at his cell phone, waiting on the cell bill to come in the mail, ramaging through his drawer.

My spouse seems to be making progress. Its just that....during the course of our marriage when I thought things were ok. Thats when he was seeing ow. Or as he puts it"just someone to talk to" I need help. How do I stop? I think this may cause my marriage to move toward devorce.

ny

You really need to be more specific to get some type of guidence.

Usually how long the A was.

EA or PA

When you discovered it. etc

There are different stages and unless we have more info it is hard to give advice.

Sorry. The A lasted one year. D day 3/05/06. I am still dealing with the feeling of failure, for my marraige and why didn't I see the signs. Its like....I know that our marriage had problems. I wanted to ask for a Divorce before the holidays. But we started making progress. Then Bam....I find pictures, receipts, and phone calls from cell bills. It is just a mess! He says it is over and never really was anything. But i have very good intuition......you don't exchange valentine gifts, if you don't care about the person....right?

nycron, how long ago was D-Day? Is your H being completely open and honest about his affair? Has he opened up his life to you and become transparent? What is he doing to rebuild trust?

Ny- like I've been told welcome to the wonderful world of A! I'm the same way! If you're Plan Aing then you really need to gather those thoughts of the beginning of your relationship. Remember why you fell in love with H. Was it his arms, his butt? What did you do on your first date? Thumb through your Rolex of memories, come up with the best that you've got and keep them close at hand! This is a little technique that's worked for me! I hope it can work for you! Remember the places that you went, the things you did together! Try to feel those emotions that you felt at that time. Let yourself smile at those memories, he)), even recall them with H. I did! We laugh at some of the things that we did together!

Also, in order to help, we do need more info about what's going on, like hurting said! The more info you provide the better your fellow MB can help!

You can make it through this if you really want to!

I found out my h was having an A on 3/5/06. I found a picture of a Woman and her daughter. I had ask my husband about the picture earlier (2/22/06), but he lied and said it was someone from work that emailed it to him. and he was goind to take it to work to find out who it was. But somethng just didn't sound right. Well, when I found the picture on the entertainment center. I logged on to his email and low and behold he had an email from the women, in the email he told her not to talk to everyone at work, because everyone wasn't "cool". And no he wasn't open to speaking about the A in the beginning. We have moved past all of this, but man it still hurts. I think he has moved on. Well, he says he has. I am in Plan A, and am trying not to cause any problems. I don't want him to become angre or feel bad about himself. He is sorry. He told me he was. I sometime see him looking said and he will say he his sorry for what he has done and want us to be able to move on. He has left it up to me. Some time I think it is much too much to bear and I should divorce him. But what about the 7 years of our marriage. What about our kids ages 4 (boy) and 10 (girl).

----------------------------------
36 me
40 H

Needing comfort. Thank you for your help. I will start page in my journal to list just the good things that we have experienced over the years. Now that I think of it.....sometimes when my H and I talk. He reminese (spelling) about the good days we've had. He really is a good man. He just gets confused and is young. He gets down when he thinks about our finances and what I could be doing if I weren't with him. We really need to go do counseling, together and seperately, but I don't think he will go. Thanks again.

nycron, if your D-Day is that recent, then you SHOULD be snooping on him to make sure all contact has ended. He has destroyed your trust and it will take a very long time for him to EARN it back.

You should not STOP snooping until he has EARNED back your trust and that will take a couple of years. You would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person.

It will take some time for you to recover from his affair. It takes anywhere from 18 to 24 months. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Has he ended ALL contact with the OW? How long has it been since there was any contact?

I'm really concerned about this statement! What exactlt does this mean? You do need to go to IC, even if he doesn't want to go to MC. Why do you think he won't go? Has the A ended? It sounds like his heads still in the fog! Since I'm still new, I can't pen point things like the great MB pros around here! They truely are wonderful people. Something not right with that statement!

Trust is earned and when he earns it,you'll quit looking.

Nycron,

Sounds to me like you need transparency from your ws.

Does he openly share his history on his cell phone with you and give you all the passwords to his email.

Does he keep you updated on his day, where he is going and where he has been.

All these things can help reassure the bs of their fws sincerity in maintaining NC.

I have been a bs for almost a year, dd was 8-20-2006.

Like Melody said, it is going to take awhile to build your trust back by your fws being transparent and working towards making you feel protected.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal for most bs.

Read up on Plan A

Sincerely,
k.d.'s Heartbreak

It will help to read all the information on MB, and buy Surviving An Affair, His Needs, Her Needs.