What would you do if a beloved single family member was involved with a married person?

Would you confront the relative? What if the relative has a real bad temper and some personality/mental issues that could unleash a firestorm on the rest of the family if the relative was confronted?

Would you expose the affair?

If you COULD talk to the relative, what would you say to him or her? How would you say it so they would listen?

if they're fogged they will NOT listen.

best to call OP's spouses...and tell them.

exposure can break up an affair...best to do it anonymously if you can do it...somehow.

ex: you don't know me, but I am a friend of x (cheating relative)..and they are having an affair with your husband/wife. I believe in families and believe in marriage and want you to know so you can help break up this destructive affair. my prayers to you and your family.

nobody in my xh's family could get thru to him...he is still fogged out. he turned his back on all our former couple friends and now hates them...says it to me as late as a few months back as in "wow I sure wish (our former couple's name here )could see this house...they'd be happy for me." not so. again, the foggy can't see past anything but themselves and their own happiness.

Thank you JustPeachy.

Anybody else got any ideas?

just remember...anything you do or say they find out about..they'll not like..why? it's the fog. not thinking rationally; they will perceive YOU are the enemy (of their affair and addictions) until they realize THEY WERE THEIR OWN WORST ENEMY.

Agree 100% with JustPeachy. I wouldn't waste your time talking to the relative. Just call up the betrayed spouse and give her the facts. No matter what you say to your relative, she is not very likely to bust herself and I doubt there is anything you can say that would motivate her to do so. Trying would be a waste of time that would only result in an angry, bitter relative and uninformed spouse, which leaves you worse off than you were before. It would achieve nothing.

On the other hand, if you just call the betrayed spouse up yourself, give her the facts, then she can a) protect herself and b) possibly end the affair.

and send the BS HERE TO MB..WE CAN HELP FROM THERE!

let's save another family stat!

HI MrMom! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WOw! THat is a tough position to be in. I can only say from personal experience that it will be a hard battle. I agree that it is almost always an exercise in futility talking to them.

Because of their own issues and WANTS, they will justify their own actions. And resent the heck out of you "interfering". Add that to their own poor coping skills such as anger, well it is not a pretty picture.

And there seems to be a difference in the way males and females react as well. Coupled with their age. For a lot of reasons. A male is more likely to think in "conquest" mode. Have the unreachable so to speak.

But females, expecially single moms are looking for help. Well of course that is a generalisation becasue you have not mentioned if this OP is a male or female or even in your immediate family. But I have 2 DDs and lots of friends that are single moms. And they have the hardest row to hoe. They have the kids to alwasy think of. And the financial sitch for a single parent is hard. I know that myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Add that to the loneliness, sigh it makes easy pickings for a married man looking for a piece on the side.

WHat I did in my sitch is that I approached them directly. I told them I knew what they were doing. I told them I did NOT approve. I asked them to THINK of the consequences not only to themselves but to the spouse and the kids of the married person.

I them gave them a specific time frame to either break it off or face the consequences. AND I recommended therapy. FOr someone to have such low self-esteem as to get involved with a married person is very very sad.

It worked out that I did not have to call the spouse. BUT anyone that knows my own story knows I am 1000% for exposure. I would have contacted the spouse. And everyone else I thought would have an influence with the OP.

Heck I have exposed on a national basis in my own sitch. Adultery is NEVER okay. End of story.

No excuses of justification accepted.

My prayers go out to you MrMom and to your relative. They have chosen a very hurtful path. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

THe damage in unimaginable. I am living with it. And as much as I try to remember it is my WH's actions, I have to say I hate the OW with a passion. I feel a bit of pity becasue she is a mother. BUt in my case she is married too.

I actually *would* talk to the relative, though I wouldn't tell them what I'd do concerning telling the OP's spouse (which I would also do).

I would tell them I am very disappointed in their choice and that as a FBS, I know the pain that is being caused.

I would tell them that there is no future in the affair, and even if there is, the trust will never be there fully because the relationship began as an affair.

And finally, I would tell them that as a FWS (I was on both sides of this ugliness called infidelity) I know what the loss of integrity, pride and honor does to your self-esteem and feelings of worth.

I would ask them to stop the affair and refute all the arguments. And if they said they wouldn't, I would tell them that the relationship with them has now changed until such time that the affair stops.

I've been a chicken**** for too much of my life and allowed yuckiness into my life through the choices of others. I don't want to do that anymore. In fact, I work with someone who I might need to have a chat with, though it's not the same thing as a family member. You have more power with a family member, I think.

Well, I think I would be sure to let the relative know that I love them and only want the best for them.

That being said, I would then try to explain that the "best" for them is not a MP. If you can, try to get some information on the MP... with proof, if possible. He/she may be a serial cheater.

And, yes, calling the MP's spouse is something that should be done.

The MP's spouse does not deserve to be cheated on. He/she has the right to make his/her own decision about his/her life...which includes the right to fight for the marriage if he/she still wants the WS.

If they have kids, they deserve to have both their parents in their lives as much as possible. Sneaking around with an OP is NOT being a good parent to the kids.

Everybody deserves to have someone love them and who is proud for everyone else to know it. Someone who has to sneak around to see you is not someone who is really in love with you. That is a going nowhere relationship.

I'm sure the MP has probably talked badly about the BS. But, the bottom line is that the OP knows absolutely NOTHING about what goes on behind closed doors in the privacy of their home. And, if the marriage is that bad, why has the MP not already divorced? Oh, yeah...because of the kids, finances, etc. Well, if the marriage is really that bad, NOTHING would make the MP stay in it. The MP is still in the marriage because he/she WANTS to be in the marriage.

And, what if the MP DOES leave the marriage for your relative? Well, as soon as real life gets in the way...you know, things like bills, work, housekeeping, laundry, kids, homework...the MP will be off looking for someone else to sneak around with.

If you can't talk to the relative, could you maybe write what you want to say in a letter?

Or would that unleash the firestorm?

Why would it be your place to call the MP's Spouse? How would you feel if all backfired? That you made a mistake and that relative is not havning an affair with the MP. First of all, it's no ones business but those two people involved. For someone to but in and make a big deal about it is asking to get hurt in the long run. You could possibly lose that relationship with that relative and you could destroy a marriage. If that relative is an adult you need to let them make their own decision about life choices. That is the only way for them to learn about life lessons. I know from a past experiece that you can not before you leap. Not everything seems like it looks. Maybe they are just close friends and that's all. Would calling the MP's Spouse be worth losing that family member? I think that it could very well unleash a firestorm. One that could burn forever and never to be put out. So, I would tell this relative to think long and hard before making any phone calls because really and truly it isn't any of their business. They need to stop nosing around in peoples business and tend to their own business.

Hi Lost Member. Welcome to MB. I think you need to read the principles and Marraige Building. It goes hand in hand with personal principles and values.

Adultery is NEVER okay. Friendships with a MM or MW are rarely approriate. Especially IF the MMW is NOT present during conversations and meetings, lunches chats, whatever.

It is disresepctufl and asking for trouble. At the very least an EA is likely.

And YES, from persoanl experinece the principles and hte values I hold personally would making informing the MP's spouse a non-issue. In a heart beat. No hesitation. Ever.

THat is called commitment and standing up for family and marriage values.

If you see a car accident about to happen becasue of carelessness of poor "coping" skills, what would you do? Stand by and let it happen? I hope not. THis EA/PA inapproriate frinedhsip whatever lable you want to put on it has the POTENTIAL to destroy so many lives. Same thing.

And I have to ask, are you a Wandering Spouse? Or very young? I get the feeling that perhaps you are in a bad sitch and this when you say



Well that has red flags all over it. It sounds like a feeling of entitlement and self-justification. For your own actions.


Of course I could be reading this all wrong.

Tell us a little more aobut yourself. Why are you here?

Lost_Love, I really, really wish someone cared enough about me to tell me when they knew my wife was having an affair. I don't have much respect for a family member that knew and did nothing. Don't think my sons think much of that family member either for aiding and abetting the potential destruction of their family.

Let the firestorm begin.

Lost_Love, hmmmmm, me thinks you doth protest too much.

You speaking from experience? Such as maybe you are a Married person that is seeing someone that is not your spouse? Maybe you are are seeing a married person who is not your spouse?

You said it is no one's business except the two people- don't you mean three? I do believe that there must be a triangular relationship in your life.

I so wish someone had called me when my husband and his ho, oops, I mean his other woman were 'just friends' I'd have put up one heck of a fight and maybe that friendship would not have turned into an affair.

You are so WRONG to think the spouse does not need to know.

Let me ask YOU this:
Have you ever felt like your heart was being ripped out of your chest?

Have you ever felt like someone kicked you in the stomach over and over and over?

Have you ever felt so betrayed that life didn't seem like a viable option for you?

Have you ever spent months of your life wondering what if? What if someone had called me earlier? What if he had never met her? What if he had been strong enough not to have an affair? What if my marriage had not been intruded into by someone who just wanted a 'friendship' someone to talk to?

Let me tell you how it feel. Wait, I just did that. Yeah I have felt like that everyday for almost a year.

It is the most miserable feeling in the world. I certainly hope you are not the third person in a relationship that should contain only two.

"I wouldn't waste your time talking to the relative."

Well sometimes Mums just have to do that.

I have had to do it myself.

And it came very naturally.

It was also heard.


Mrmomtoo...is this your biggest fear?


"Would you confront the relative? What if the relative has a real bad temper and some personality/mental issues that could unleash a firestorm on the rest of the family if the relative was confronted?"


Max

And this is where you are wrong. Adultery is always the business of the SPOUSE, so the spouse should be told. If someone knows of an affair, they have an obligation to warn the victim spouse they are being harmed behind their back.


What hurts relationships are AFFAIRS. If a relative has to HIDE her relatives dirty secret in order to maintain relations, then she is not helping her relative. An affairee should never be protected from the consequences of his actions. That is not helpful to anyone concerned.


But what about the adult whose spouse is having an affair? How can the betrayed spouse make "life choices" if they are being denied the full facts about their own life? Or are just SOME people entitled to make "life choices?" hmmmmm


Really and truly it is their business. Most especially it is the business of the OP's spouse. And sure, the relative may be angry he was busted, but so what? His anger is his problem. What really matters is that the victims are warned about him.

What will unleash a "firestorm" is having an affair with a married person. Not a smart thing to do especially if you don't want to face the consequences of your sleazy actions, huh?

Lost Love, I see you only registered yesterday. I, too, would be interested to know more of your background. As I read your post, it was my first thought that you were the third wheel in what should only be a two-person relationship. It really sounds like you are trying to justify yourself, rather than MrMom's relative.

If you stay here long enough to read for a while, you will begin to see the extensive pain and damage an affair causes to all involved, yes, even the mistress or other man. You wil also see how the wayward spouses all lie their butts off, both to their husband/wife, and to the other person.

If you are in a triangular relationship with a married person, you have been lied to. It is that simple. If you are the married person, then you have lied.

It is tough to respond without more facts and info about your sitch.

For me, I would unhesitatingly expose any affair I learned about, regardless of the consequences. Anger, even from a loved one, is a small price to pay for keeping my honor and integrity intact.

An affair has no honor or integrity.

Welcome to MB.

I would be woman enough to own my mistake.

"First of all, it's no ones business but those two people involved."

Which two people do you mean? The MP and the Spouse, or the MP and the "friend"?

"For someone to but in and make a big deal about it is asking to get hurt in the long run. You could possibly lose that relationship with that relative and you could destroy a marriage."

Okay, I get it. You will punish the relative by cutting them out of your life. Do they deserve that treatment? Are they an evil person? Do they habitually gossip, tell lies, be dishonest, stir up trouble? Or is the threat emotional blackmail to make them not speak up?

If the relative is evil, by all means cut them out of your life. You should have done it years ago if that is the case. To bring it up now though smells like fear and guilt and manipulation on your part.


"If that relative is an adult you need to let them make their own decision about life choices. That is the only way for them to learn about life lessons."

Mostly I agree, we can't tell other adults what to do. We all have to make our own life choices. We all learn our own life lessons. Can you think of exceptions? Any exceptions?

What if the other adult person is doing something wrong. Getting Welfare money and not reporting other income. Do you report that? Molesting a child. Do you report that? Driving a car without brakes, or driving while impaired. Are you morally obligated to do anything about those situations? Falsifying billable hours, lying on a resume about having completed a course to license them to practice a profession? Or, suppose a doctor who performs procedures on patients does not use proper sterilization procedures, does not give anesthesia to the patient when she asks for it but instead injects saline solution? Should the nurse who sees this report him?

"I know from a past experiece that you can not before you leap. Not everything seems like it looks."

I don't understand what you just said. Clarify please?

"Maybe they are just close friends and that's all. Would calling the MP's Spouse be worth losing that family member? I think that it could very well unleash a firestorm. One that could burn forever and never to be put out. So, I would tell this relative to think long and hard before making any phone calls because really and truly it isn't any of their business. They need to stop nosing around in peoples business and tend to their own business."

Lordy, you sound really young. I used that kind of reasoning when I was 15. Young or just immature. BUt, I've been wrong before. Like I said at the beginning, if I'm wrong I'll own it.

Suppose everyone is wrong, suppose you are right. Would you be able to cut off all contact with your friend in the interests of removing a possible threat to his marriage? Or is your friendship more important than the sanctity of that bond?

Hi, Lostlove,


There's a book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Anybody who thinks that people can just be "just close friends" with a married person behind their spouse's back should read it.

What I did in this very situation, was call the BS and tell him. He knew what I was talking about, because my relative was pretending to be his best friend just to get near the wife (WW).

The A stopped, but the OM (my relative) was beaten on one occasion when I tipped the BH off on a meeting time and place where OM (my relative) was going to meet the WW.

I think it worked out well, but it could have been different, if it was construction materials and/or sports equipment instead of just fists and feet involved in this beating.

The WW wanted to divorce her H and marry my relative. My relative had absolutely no intention of marrying anybody. Thus, he figured it was not worth it and broke it off (as far as I know).

All-in-all, I would do the same thing today in the same situation.

-AD

I have been away for a while and haven't been able to write a response. I was surprised to find so many postings.

While I was away, I spent quite some time debating whether to tell the betrayed spouse. It is a hard decision to make.

I do not want to lose touch with my relative, who means a lot to me. Almost like one of my kids. That's why I have had a tough time with deciding what to do. My wife thinks the BS should be told but she said the decision should be mine since its my relative. My wife also loves this relative and is very sad over everything.

We are Christian, and we know what the right thing to do is. Our pastor said that we should tell the spouse, but we have been reluctant for fear of our relative leaving our lives.

After reading everything here this morning I have decided to tell the BS. Letting my relative go to he!! in a handbasket without trying to stop it because I dont want to lose our relationship is a cowardly way out.

Lost_love. When I tell the MPs spouse, a firestorm may indeed erupt. It's happened before and it will happen again, just like my wife says. So I guess we will live through it like we always have only this time it will be aimmed at us. I just hope that one day my relative will remember how much love we have for them, and stop and think about how lucky they are to have gotten out of the affair.

good luck to you.