My H feels the need to continue to express his feelings about OW (as well as other things I think) in a diary that he has been keeping through the affair. It's been over a little over 1 month only. He's not a very expressive person but apparently was with her. Now I think most of his thoughts are with her so he keeps those in in order to not hurt me. The thought of his diary makes me so ANXIOUS that it might perpetuate his desire for her. He is in love with her and she is still very available to him if he decides to go. Should I ask to read his private thoughts, give him the respect of privacy on this one, or what? It's all just sooooooo scary to me. Please share your thoughts. Thanks, Jenn<P>------------------<BR>

Jennifer, <P>Others here will tell you to read the diary, but I won't. I will tell you to ask him if you can read it, but if he says no, then respect his privacy.<P>That said, if you can't stand it and you read it, be prepared. You're gonna get burned either way. You'll want to discuss things you read, and your H won't want to talk about it. You'll want answers, and he'll be so busy feeling betrayed himself that it could be a HUGE love buster. <P>Consider your actions carefully. These kinds of things have a real way of backfiring. BTW, my H went through my journals from the past several years and I was SO ANGRY. It isn't that I didn't want him to know what I was thinking, it just felt like such an invasion of privacy. Just be careful!!<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

During the first few months after my confession, I wrote "letters" to the OM and to my H in my journal. None of these were to be sent, but it was my way of getting my feelings out without hurting my H anymore. Also, my H was extremely angry and punitive. There was absolutely no way I felt safe talking to him about anything I was going through. It was the only place I felt safe. I told my husband I was keeping a journal, why I felt the need for privacy. He read it while I was at work. This did not help solve our problems, it only decreased my trust in him. Plus, it served to give him more ammunition to punish me. It went nowhere. It only helped foster the notion that my H had no interest in solving the problems in our marriage, rather he was more interested in satisfying his curiosity and further extracting his pound of flesh from me. Your husband deserves some privacy to sort out his feelings and may even be his last refuge. I know I felt cornered and attacked. Don't take this away from him if it is helping him.

I understand your desire and need to know. However I have to agree with NB and student. Please respect his need for privacy. My H needed a lot when things were at its worse. However as it progressed he shared more and more with me. Had I tried to force my hand, I would still have nothing to show for it, he would just close up, and feel worse which in turn would make things more difficult to us. Asking is O.K., but if he doesn't want to share yet, I'd wait.<BR>Reading it without his consent will be dangerous for the reasons nb points out. <BR>People need to feel in control of their lives, and an affair is one of the situations that takes that away from us ( betrayed and betrayer) so sometimes there's a need to keep something to ourselves only , which in time we will be ready to share, but not just now.<BR>I'm not sure if keeping a diary will keep his feelings for the ow alive. I think with or without it, there comes a time when people regain perspective and no matter what was said or written, the betrayer will see what happened as what it was: a mistake. (I'm being very general here, I know there are cases where this doesn't happen, but it does in most cases ). SO the diary might not be as important as it might look.<BR>DO take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.<p>[This message has been edited by Kat1 (edited October 02, 1999).]

This thread really helped me today. Thanks everyone. I have been wearing myself out over the lies and manipulation. This gives me hope that maybe if I stop asking so many questions, he will eventually share some of it with me. <P>My opinion Jennifer is to give him this privacy and try to focus on your relationship with H. Maybe if all of it is never clear to you, you could come out with a lot better marriage than you started with. For me...that would be enough.

Hi jennifer, I advocate snooping only as a means of verification. If you read them you may find things that will impair recovery. The silly things that people write in these things when they are in this mode become meaningless words later on.<P>Instead, ask him to express his thoughts about anything of his choosing to you. He needs to still see you as someone he can confide in and trust. He may say things that seem so insensitive but remember, he is not in his right mind right now. You will probably find out from him anyway what is in there. He is still with you in your home so it is pretty much going to end completly for them anyway and he will tire of thinking about her. Even better, he will realize that she was not the girl he fell in love with but a fantasy.