I am sobbing as I type this. I am just a complete wreck.

This board was a godsend to me 4 years ago when my H had an A, and now I am back again, unfortunately. I don't even know where to begin, so I'll just start.

We just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary in a marriage that has had its good times, but certainly more of the bad. H had an affair early on in our marriage and we have never really recovered from that. Went to some Counseling but didnt follow through as we should have, and instead plugged along in a marriage with so much baggage and pain and resentment.

I coped by wallowing in my depression and drinking too much. He coped by being angry with me and feeling unappreciated.

Now another A -- but I dont even know if you could call it that. H had to go to another country for a 2 week businedss trip at the end of May...i missed him terribly and we talked and emailed every day. He told me he loved me and missed me every day. Of course i had my paranoia about him being so far away but i tried to not let it get the best of me.
He returned from his trip and i knew when he returned in the way he greeted me that something was wrong. He kissed me like his sister. A quick hug and that was all - after two weeks apart. I knew...but didnt know for sure until the next day...when i voiced my concerns and he told me he would talk to me about this later. i knew - and i lost it. i didnt go to work for 2 days. Then i did okay, i was very good for 5 days - detached, not emotional...and now the bottom falls out.

We talked today - a week after DDay.
He doenst feel the same way about me. We dont get along. He wants to be happy. We cant work things out. We tried already and it didnt work.
It's Not about her though, it really isnt (Says Him) - it's our relationship. She is just what pushed him out th <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />e door. He thinks i will be happy with someone else someday as well.

I did all the wrong things today - I cried - i threw things - i begged him not to leave me...My God i begged and i was so pathetic. PLEASE guys, help me here! I am just SO full of agony right now and i dont know what to do.

I wish I could give you advice. All I can say is, I know how you're feeling right now. It's awful to hear your husband say such things. I have heard them myself. I'm so sorry for you, for all of us who are here.

My prayers are with you.

Mpele,

I'm sorry to hear about what is going on. It seems like there are so many of us in similar situations. My h also had told me the "It's not about her", so typcial of a WH.

Stop and take a breath. Have you read SAA? It sounds like last time you didn't really stick to the principals taught on this site.

I'm thinking that might be a good thing to start doing. Read up on Plan A, and it might be a good idea to start going to IC.

Now, keep in mind though I'm no expert here, far from it. I've had so many here holding my hand and continuing to do so everyday. However the things I have learned from this site has:

1. Broke up the affair
2. Brought H back home
3. We are now in MC

A very long way to go still but I don't think any of the above would have been accomplished yet without the help and principals applied here.

Hi there! Sorry you have to be here, but you have come to a good place. Seems to me that the problems stem quite a while back:

So..... You didn't follow through on the counseling, you wallowed in your depression and drank too much.

Perhaps now is the time to talk reasonably and logically with your WH. Tell him calmly how you feel and what you are willing to do (IC and MC, quit the drinking, deal with your own depression), and ask him if he is willing to work on the marriage (and end his A with OW).

It's a long hard road... but the rewards are great!

MPELE - This was just given to me by Believer - read it and you will understand why "losing it" is (while understandable) the worst thing to do under these circumstances. Try to be strong and read up on how to implement an effective Plan A. Good luck. Stung

Hope for Couples in Crisis

by James C. Dobson, Ph.D.




Nothing is more inspirational than the uniting of two unique and divergent personalities in a marital commitment that will last for a lifetime, with God’s help.

Who can comprehend this mysterious bonding that enables a man and woman to withstand the many storms of life and remain best friends to the end of their lives together? This phenomenon is so remarkable that the Apostle Paul, under divine inspiration, chose it to symbolize the unfathomable bond of love between Jesus Christ and His bride, the church. We could spend a month or two just thinking about the implications of that wonderful analogy.

Unfortunately, a depressing number of today’s marriages end on a less inspirational note. Indeed, Western nations are witnessing a continuing epidemic of dysfunctional relationships. A recent study done by sociologists at Rutgers University concluded that the institution of marriage itself appears to be dying.1 I shudder to contemplate what life will be like (and how children will suffer) if the researchers prove to be right!

The agony inflicted by divorce cannot be overstated. It was this tragic situation that led me to write Love Must Be Tough, which continues to be one of my most popular books. It addresses not only marriages in distress, but concepts that will strengthen less troubled relationships. Let me focus my comments this month on the most important among them.

The standard approach to marriage counseling is to teach husbands and wives how to revitalize unhealthy relationships and help them work through their conflicts. Unfortunately, such advice assumes that both parties are equally motivated to work on their problems. That is rarely the case. Typically, when a marriage is unraveling, there is one partner who is less concerned about the prospect of divorce, while the other is terrified by it. At its worse, as in cases of infidelity, the drifting member often has little desire to engage in counseling, except perhaps as a pretense to lessen guilt or criticism. He or she may have decided already that the relationship is over. It has been my observation that the way the committed partner responds at that vital juncture will determine whether the marriage will survive or succumb. I’ll explain why in a moment.

Only those who have been rejected by a beloved spouse can fully comprehend the tidal wave of pain that crashes into one’s life when a relationship ends. Nothing else matters. There are no consoling thoughts. The future is without interest or hope. Emotions swing wildly from despair to acceptance and back again. Nothing in human experience can compare with the agony of knowing that the person to whom you pledged eternal devotion has betrayed your trust and is now involved in sexual intimacies with a “stranger”… a competitor ... a more beautiful or handsome playmate. Death itself would be easier to tolerate than being tossed aside like an old shoe.

If one word must be selected to describe the entire experience, it would be something equivalent to panic. Just as a drowning person exhausts himself or herself in a desperate attempt to grasp anything that floats, a rejected partner typically tries to grab and hold the one who is leaving. This panic then leads to appeasement, which destroys what is left of the marriage.

Let’s look for a moment at the other half of the relationship — focusing on the individual who wants out of the marriage. What secrets lie deep within the mind of the woman who has an affair with her boss, or the man who chases the office flirt? Surprising to some, the desire for sex is not the primary motivator in such situations. Something much more basic is operating below the surface.

Long before any decision is made to “fool around” or walk out on a partner, a fundamental change has begun to occur in the relationship. Many books on this subject lay the blame on the failure to communicate, but I disagree. The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way a husband or wife begins to devalue the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped in a relationship with someone he or she no longer respects.

Now we begin to see why groveling, crying and pleading by a panic-stricken partner tend to drive the claustrophobic partner even farther away. The more he or she struggles to gain a measure of freedom (or even secure a little breathing room), the more desperately the rejected spouse attempts to hang on.

Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive. There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will.

To the reader who is desperately in need of this advice, please pay close attention at this point: I’m sure you would not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your husband or wife to marry you during your dating days. You had to lure, attract, charm and encourage him or her. This subtle game of courtship had to take place one delicate step at a time. Obviously, it would not have been successful if you had wept violently and hung on the neck of your lover saying, “I think I’ll die if you don’t marry me! My entire life amounts to nothing without you. Please! Oh, please, don’t turn me down,” etc.

Coercing and manipulating a potential marriage partner is like high-pressure tactics by a used car salesman. What do you think he would accomplish by telling a potential customer through his tears, “Oh, please, buy this car! I need the money so badly and I’ve only had two sales so far this week. If you turn me down, I think I’ll go straight out and kill myself!”

This is a ridiculous analogy, of course, but there is applicability to it. When one has fallen in love with an eligible partner, he attempts to “sell himself” to the other. But like the salesman, he must not deprive the buyer of free choice in the matter. Instead, he must convince the customer that the purchase is in his own interest. If a person would not buy an automobile to ease the pain of a salesman, how much more unlikely is he to devote his entire being to someone he doesn’t love, simply for benevolent reasons? None of us is that unselfish. Ideally, we are permitted by God to select only one person in the course of a lifetime, and few are willing to squander that one shot on someone we merely pity! In fact, it is very difficult to love another person romantically and pity him or her at the same time.

If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They only increase the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping. Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when the time is right: “John [or Diane], I’ve been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn’t face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can’t be done. As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I’m reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I’m aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1989 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I’m going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He’ll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. You were my first real love and I’ll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead.”

Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can’t believe it. This person to whom he has felt bound hand and foot for years has now set him free! It isn’t necessary to fight off her advances — her grasping hands — any more.

“But there must be a catch,” he thinks. “It’s too good to be true. Talk is cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she’ll be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She’s really weak, you know, and she’ll crack under pressure.”

It is my strongest recommendation that you, the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him that you are serious — that he is actually free. He may even test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or by flirtation with others. But one thing is certain: He will be watching for signs of weakness or strength. The vestiges of respect hang in the balance.

If the more vulnerable spouse passes the initial test and convinces the partner that his freedom is secure, some interesting changes begin to occur in their relationship. Please understand that every situation is unique and I am merely describing typical reactions, but these developments are extremely common in families I have seen. Most of the exceptions represent variations on the same theme. Three distinct consequences can be anticipated when a previously “grabby” lover begins to let go of the cool spouse:

The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and their relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindled, necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased.
As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After wondering for weeks or months, “How can I get out of this mess?” he now asks, “Do I really want to go?” Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home!
The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he or she feels better — somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan — a program — a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins.
This recommendation is consistent with the Apostle Paul’s writings in 1 Corinthians 7:15, “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances. God has called us to live in peace.” Paul is not authorizing the rejected spouse to initiate a divorce in these instances. He is, rather, instructing a man or woman to release the marital partner when he or she is determined to depart. The advice I have offered today is an expression of that scripture.

Needed those replies desperately....

Some answers to the posts - I did tell H i wanted to try MC and IC again, he said it didnt work before and its too late now. Of course, i was not exactly calm when i told him this, i was crying, so that wasnt exactly the best format to present this in.
I havent taken a drink since last weekend, but he said (in the midst of arguing) that i will probably start again.

I am SURE i didnt put the correct practices in place from this site and resources like SAA before. Now i am wishing i had. I guess the part for me right now, as i am in the thick of this, is that after everything else we have been through, you are walking out the door pushed by a week-long fling with someone who is 1600 miles away??? It makes me feel as if our 9-year relationship was so insignificant...that yes, we had major issues and problems but to go out the door and leave your wife and child for that?? Maybe a week from now i will be stronger and can see it for what it is - apparently OW knows H is married with a child, so i hope i can take the high road at some point and say - fine - go ahead and be with this OW and let's see how great that works out for you two - i mean, how successful is that going to be?? A week from now i may be there, but right now i just cant get the pictures of the two of them out of my head - thinking what did this woman do in a week that i couldnt in 9 years????

Is your daughter your husband's child?

How is he as a father?

Sorry this took so long - between work and home it's hard for me to get on here.
Daughter is not H biologically, but he is the only Daddy she's ever known. They have a very close relationship and she adores him. She is his 'princess' and he has never treated her as anything but his own daughter.

Think H is in denial re: her, because I don't know what he is going to do if he tells her he is leaving and watches her disintigrate. I was going to bring this up to H but didnt know if that was a good idea - tell him how this will destroy her, or let him find out for himself?