I just found this site tonight and I've spent the last few hours reading as many posts as I can. I really in some advise on what to do about my failing marriage. First I'll tell you about us. We met online, it will be 3 years ago this tuesday. Dated for a little while, broke up for about 2 months then got back together. I moved from my home town to live with him, we bought a house together. In september we bought my family farm and moved back to the town I grew up in. We just got married new years eve, things had been rough before the wedding. I had concerns as well as panic attacks and so on. Since the wedding things have been up and down but mostly down. He has a very bad temper and I hate fighting and get scared easily. He is jealous of everything and everyone in my life. From customers I talk to at work even my horses. About two weeks ago I hit my breaking point and told him that if he couldn't handle me having a life outside of our life together then I didn't want him here. He left for a few days but has been back for the last 4 day on the couch.
I can't stand to be in the same room as him anymore. I have an ulser and haven't been able to really eat for a week now.
I know that it will only make it harder in the long run but I've also been spending alot of time with someone else. He's just resently left his wife and we've been seeing each other pretty much everyday. With everything going on he's the one happy point in my life right now. We can laugh and joke around and he understand what I'm going threw.
I just don't know anymore if I want to try to work things out. I can't talk to my H, I don't trust him not to hurt me or one of our animals out of anger. He's been going for help with his anger for a few months now and it has seemed to help on some level but not to the point that I can trust him. I'm only 26 and I want kids someday but after seeing the way he treats our dogs I know I couldn't trust him with a child either.
At what point do I throw in the towel and just walk away?

Welcome - you might want to post on General Questions II, as there is more traffic there.

My advice is if your husband truly has an anger problem, and you are afraid of him, you need to separate. Then see if he gets better.

Also, you need to take care of your marriage problems before you get involved with someone else. Also the other man is still MARRIED.

You might want to get some individual counseling to help you with choosing better men.

thanks for a advise.

Be careful deluded, I think you are vulnerable as a result of your home troubles...
My H is violent also, I was unfaithful, and he became a violente man... before my affair he never hit me...
IMO you should think and ask for help... you shouldnt get involved with someone else in this situation.. you are not be objective about OM...
Believe me, if we are vulnerable because our H is not filling our needs, we are not objective about OM's..
I understood this until my H realized about my A and I learned a lot thinks here.... It wasnt easy, but finally I learned...
A man who got involved with a married woman, cant be charming....
Just think about this.
Good luck!!

Thanks tear, there is and never has been anything between the OM and I. We're just friends, we both realize how confused the other one is. He's a good friend at this point, if there is ever going to be anymore it won't be for a long time.
My H is moving out today, we both need sometime apart. I also told the OM today that until things get straighten out with my marriage or the end of it, which never it may be that I can't see him outside of work.
If in a year or so from now we're both single then we'll talk about it then.

Deluded...

What's your truth? When you met your H online...were you married at the time? Was he? Is this your pattern...running from one man to another?

OM is no friend...and your belief that you can have a life outside of your marriage splits you into two people. Why do that to yourself?

Have you told your H about your affair? Have you been honest about not being willing to work on your own issues, your part of the marriage...owning what is yours, not his?

Easy to make your ulcer someone else's fault...easy to ditch and run...keep replacing people, instead of knowing what is in you which gives you reasons to fail yourself and others, putting so much pain into others and the world.

You just took your vows six months ago and you've already broken them. Forsaking all others...for better and worse...so that we know our half of the marriage...

If you really wanted to own your life, you'd quit your job, all contact with OM, so you know you're putting your marriage first...your commitment, your vow...no communication whatsoever...and then you might wake up from the fantasy and stop wrecking your life. Harming yourself.

I don't think you'll do that...because you love resentment and blame more than intimacy and connection. I hope you really read here and understand your part, your power...your limit.

LA

Lovinganyway, I think that was a little harsh. Not to say that you don't have some good points but I'm not having an affair and never have. As far as having a life outside my marriage I think it's normal and healthy for me to go out with my friends without him.
How would quitting my job help me have my own life in anyway? We need my income so that I can have my horses which are my true love and passion in life.
I don't remember anything in my vows about putting up with abuse and torment.
When we met online I was single, he said he was. I have never been married before now, and had actually been single for well over a year before we started dating. So no I don't go from one guy to the next.
I'm not about to quit my job anytime soon, I love my job and I'm not going to tell a good customer that he can't come in anymore either.
My H knows that I talk to this so called OM, I have told him that and there's nothing more then that to tell.
As far as you saying that I love resentment and blame more than intimacy and connection, you don't even know me or my situation. I'm not trying to blame my H here I was trying to get support in what we are going threw. I may not be sure how committed I am to making it work right now but I'm still here and I'm still trying. I haven't given up on us and I'm NOT having an affair.

One last thing when did I ever say that my ulcer was amyone's fault?

An Emotional Affair...EA...

"I know that it will only make it harder in the long run but I've also been spending alot of time with someone else."

What you focus on, there is your treasure. You see your H as the problem and OM as the solution...Other Man - OM - indicates a male affair partner.

"He's just resently left his wife and we've been seeing each other pretty much everyday. With everything going on he's the one happy point in my life right now. We can laugh and joke around and he understand what I'm going threw."

This is what you do with your H...not a married man. He resently left his wife...separated...is married, has a wife...so you both are affair partners...you are meeting each others emotional needs for conversation, intimacy, sharing your thoughts, feelings and beliefs and not sharing them with your H.

This is the definition of an EA, Deluded. This is how a third-party wrecks a marriage...instead of focusing on providing and receiving these things from your H, you get it elsewhere...so much that you think about him, in your future mind, a year from now...like a backup to your H.

How do I know? I was wayward, too. How do I presume? Your posts wave all sorts of red flags...human behavior isn't personality specific...and you don't understand your own boundaries or the boundaries of marriage.

Marriage is a two-party contract...anytime another person becomes the priority over your partner, then you wreck the two-party system...whether you are sleeping together or not.

Healthy marriages have the boundary that neither partner have intimate opposite sex friends...because marriage is rough, showing our real selves to one another, whethering what comes at us and what we do to each other, outside opposite friends represent a possible fantasy, and our responsibility, having taken vows, is to protect our weaknesses...if we tend to find comfort in fantasy, allow thoughts of what-ifs in our heads, then we enforce our boundary to not spend time with same sex friends, nor speak of our marriage or problems. Boundaries.

Have you read the Policy of Joint Agreement? Radical Honesty? Rule of Time and the Rule of Protection? You've broken all of those, Del...

When we choose marriage, we choose to socialize as couples, with other couples...same sex friends can be okay...unless you take your problems to them and do not discuss them with your marriage partner.

Your choice to put up with abuse and torment or not...same as your choice to abuse or not. Boundaries around you and your behavior enables you to enforce boundaries to protect yourself from abuse. These are progressive enforcements stated and laid out in advance of them being crossed...not afterwards.

You prioritize your marriage down the list, Del...you say your horses, your income and your marriage...if you want a healthy marriage, it comes first.

"When we met online I was single, he said he was." Does that mean you found out he wasn't? Could this be your panic attacks before the wedding?

You told your H that you talk with this guy, that he is the one happy point in your life...that you're holding him in your mind for a year for now, in case you've divorced? Is this what you've told H? Have you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass?

When you found out your H, when you met, wasn't single...what did you do? Is that the two-month breakup? After his divorce was final, then you moved in?

No contact until after he divorced?

Your H is getting help for his temper...are you also getting help, education and counseling about dealing with abuse?

Your first post says you don't know if you should throw in the towel or not...I don't see where you ask for how relationships work, how marriages can be saved and thrive...What are you trying to do here...you say you're not committed to or against...you haven't given up...so are you asking how to follow all of Harley's advice, the rules of marriage, maybe some communication help in dealing with an unsafe partner?

"He is jealous of everything and everyone in my life. From customers I talk to at work even my horses."

You put your customer, this OM, ahead of your H...confiding intimate details of your marital problems, listening to his, things partners do, not business/customers. You say you love your horses with a passion...both of these two things you may demonstrate more love and care for than you H. He may be jealous; that doesn't mean he doesn't have a valid concern.

I said about going from one guy to the next in your future...throwing in the towel, as you said, because H still isn't safe after a few months of anger management...if you believe there is a right one for you, and H isn't it, then I stand by my replacing people...throwing in the towel on your marriage when the issues are not about you, what's within your control and power, will dictate a life of finding better mates, not being one.

LA

ok I can agree with most of what you say. I said right from the begining that I shouldn't be talking to the so called OM which is why I no longer am. But I can not and will not give up my job or any of my animals to make a man, anyman happy. Giving up anyone of these animals would be like asking someone to give up a child to better their marriage.
The reason that I turned to someone outside the marriage to talk to was because I can't talk to my H because of his anger. I'd like more then anything to be able to but I can't.
He wasn't married and as far as I know was single when we met. I do know that when we first started dating he was seeing other people as well, that is why we broke up.
I don't believe I said my income and horses came before my marriage, if anything they are all on the same level. I've had horses for 19 years, it is who I am. My income we need to be able to live as well as to keep this farm that has been in my family for over 100 years. Neither of those I'm willing to part with.
Maybe this means my marriage won't work but if the only way we can make it work is for me to give up my home and my animals then I don't want to be married.
I know that if my H isn't the right person there is someone somewhere who can and will accept me for who I am.
Having said all that I do agree totally with what you said about the OM, I hadn't looked at it that way. My thinking was if there's nothing physical going on then it's ok.

"The reason that I turned to someone outside the marriage to talk to was because I can't talk to my H because of his anger. I'd like more then anything to be able to but I can't."

There is marital counseling (MC) for communication issues; you at one time could communicate with your H...we don't get hitched unless we feel connected, close...and you did, at some point.

Choosing not to communicate because of verbal abuse is called withdrawal...meaning you don't do it because you predict outcome...and you're well-versed in his response. Boundaries are about you--"I will not communicate my thoughts, feelings and beliefs with you because I feel fear."

You own what is yours.

You say, "If you choose to raise your voice, I will say, 'That is abuse. Stop yelling.' If you choose to continue to yell, I will remove myself from our discussion. If you escalate to throwing things or walking behind me, yelling, I will leave our home. I don't do abuse. I do communication."

I don't know what level he gets to...some people shut out their spouses, like my H did, when I looked angry, without saying a word...his fear was great in the face of anyone's anger...his response was to not talk, not share...and my anger escalated...LBs included AOs, DJs and SDs (all found in the Love Busters articles on this website). Was I the bad guy? Yes, on my half. His not communicating to me why he wouldn't speak his mind, was his half. He pretty much said what you said three years ago about your H...until I became safe for him to share with...and he became safe to be shared with...and stopped fearing intimacy, using my anger as his reason to not speak.

It is a dance of anger...takes two people, two parts...takes only one to change the dance. Your H shows his desire for the marriage by taking action to change...what have you changed? This isn't an attack...you retain your choices...to share or not to...you said he was getting better...what work have you been doing to accompany the new dance steps?

Your belief in "right person" instead of love is a choice, will give you permission to compare, judge and assess other human beings...which is great distraction from your own growth issues (and I say this from doing this myself)...you want acceptance for who you are...are you accepting H for who he is?

Good to know you broke it off the OM...if you have any contact, personal conversations, you should inform his wife...separated or not. Own what you are doing and inform your spouse and his...which is not what affair partners do. Shows moral character; gives you a guide to live by...enables you to live in truth.

Now you know.

I am not asking you to give up your horses...if you would choose to be with your horse at the vet's for a diagnosis while your H was having heart surgery, would you consider that a problem?

Knowing our priorities establishes the beliefs we live by...firmly in place. If we know what we would choose, then our feelings rise as a result...of love, dedication, hope...they well up when we know our priorities and that this is your choice to love...do acts of love...including sharing yourself...

One couple here had anger issues and began a notebook communication. One spouse would right in the notebook and hand it off...during the day, the other would reply with their answer and ask their question...and hand it off...this built to hearing each other, validating their feelings and led to intimacy...safely. Lots of stuff you can do, if you want to learn how to have a committed, loving relationship for life...

First, you have to know if you want to be married or single...and you have to own your choices, your desire, not believe that if H was different, you would choose different...this is about what you want for your life. One step at a time.

Why can't you work somewhere else, not at the job where OM is a customer? Why are you locked into that? If you are, and there will be contact, you could write a no contact letter asking him to not contact you in any way, and to send someone else to pick up at your store. Know Ben Franklin? Where there's a will, there's a way.

Your marriage depends on your choices, Del...only those. First, you educate yourself on how to have relationships...what they consist of (the articles on this website) the Love Bank, Emotional Needs, Rules of Marriage and Love Busters...then you take a good look at the beliefs you live by...if you're unwilling to show respect, or if you believe you cause H's anger, can cure it or control (by not being honest about yourself)...

There are couples here who went through extraordinary betrayal, LB's and starved for ENs...and are now in thriving marriages, full of respect, joy and gratitude.

If you're looking for a diviner, an oracle, to tell you if this marriage is worth your effort, you're really in the wrong place...there's nothing to sell here, no charlatans on call, and no one will tell you anything different...your marriage is what you make it...worth what you invest...and the choice is entirely yours to make.

LA