I just found this site tonight and I've spent the last few hours reading as many posts as I can. I really in some advise on what to do about my failing marriage. First I'll tell you about us. We met online, it will be 3 years ago this tuesday. Dated for a little while, broke up for about 2 months then got back together. I moved from my home town to live with him, we bought a house together. In september we bought my family farm and moved back to the town I grew up in. We just got married new years eve, things had been rough before the wedding. I had concerns as well as panic attacks and so on. Since the wedding things have been up and down but mostly down. He has a very bad temper and I hate fighting and get scared easily. He is jealous of everything and everyone in my life. From customers I talk to at work even my horses. About two weeks ago I hit my breaking point and told him that if he couldn't handle me having a life outside of our life together then I didn't want him here. He left for a few days but has been back for the last 4 day on the couch.
I can't stand to be in the same room as him anymore. I have an ulser and haven't been able to really eat for a week now.
I know that it will only make it harder in the long run but I've also been spending alot of time with someone else. He's just resently left his wife and we've been seeing each other pretty much everyday. With everything going on he's the one happy point in my life right now. We can laugh and joke around and he understand what I'm going threw.
I just don't know anymore if I want to try to work things out. I can't talk to my H, I don't trust him not to hurt me or one of our animals out of anger. He's been going for help with his anger for a few months now and it has seemed to help on some level but not to the point that I can trust him. I'm only 26 and I want kids someday but after seeing the way he treats our dogs I know I couldn't trust him with a child either.
At what point do I throw in the towel and just walk away?

Try counseling. If he wont go or is not interested, I would say its over.

How was your husband able to hide this agressive behavior for so many years when you were living together and have it suddenly appear after the wedding? Did you never notice this behavior before? Did it never bother you? Why did you get married to begin with if your husband is such an abusive person?

Is your husband maybe jealous because you are having an affair? That would do it for me. Is he maybe angry because you are having an affair? If you never noticed his angry behavior before the marriage, maybe the one thing that is different now is that you are cheating on him. How much of his anger do you think is a direct result of you spending every day with a married OM?

You are young and just married a few months. Your husband is abusive and you are already having an affair with a man I am guessing is still married (you said "left" rather than "divorced"). Walk away now - no - run away now.

Oh and dump the married man. Somebody who would cheat WITH you will equally as easily cheat ON you. Your chance of a future with him is nil. He is not a person that has any respect for marriage.

It first showed up about a month after we met. He lost his temper, punched a hole in my wall and left bruses on my arm. We broke up then and I made it clear when we gt back together that I wouldn't put up with it. While we were living together it was a problem but no were near as much of one as it is now. He wasn't jealous because I didn't have a life, I had no friends or family around. It start to get worse before the wedding but he swore he could get it under control and that he'd make it better.
As far as him being jealous because I'm having an affair, I wish it was that easy. I've only started talk to the OM in the last week, this has been going on for months. I went out with friends for my birthday(in Feburary) and he showed up at the bar we were at, draged me out and yelled and went on in the parking lot because he found a strange number on my cell phone. The number belonged to an employee of mine. That night he had droped me off at the bar and was going to be picking me up. Even if I'd wanted to it's not like I could have done anything.
I got married because I do love him on some level and to be honest I was scared of what other people would think if I didn't. My family and most of my friends have never seen this side of him and think he's the greatest guy ever.

As far as the OM goes, he's in the process of getting divorced after almost 14 years, and there is nothing phyical going on. We just sit around and talk. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses for it, cause I'm not trying to. I know I shouldn't be spending time with him but until I found this site I didn't have anyone or anywhere to really tell someone what's going on. Other then the OM that is.

I am no expert on abuse but I don't think this is something your H is just going to get under control. let's just assume it might continue. Is that what you are willing to live with?

You are young, you have nothing invested (except a possible joint mortgage on the family farm). Walk away from both H and OM while you can. You don't have a marriage to save. You are trying to save "face" more than anything. It isn't worth it.

BTW, what is going to happen when abusive BH finds out about OM? Who is he going to try to hurt?

You have some good points there. We do have a joint mortgage but he wouldn't ever try to take this place from me. I'm not sure if I can afford it without him and that scares me, but I'll get a room mate if I have to.
It's not something I'm willing to live with, that why we are where we are now. I know as I type it that it's classic abuse but he says he loves me more then anything and that he'll get help, that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore.
If he finds out about the OM I don't really know what he will do, other then make my life living hel1. I can't see him hurting the OM, he's to much of a chicken for that.
I also wanted to add that we have little or no sex life. I don't want to be with him and when I do give in to him I can't even look at him during or for days after. In the year before we got married we had sex 5 times. He claims that's where most of his anger comes from.
Man I really need fish or cut bait don't I??

I think you already know the answer. I would recommend you keep posting here because it helps to talk things out and get input. I strongly advise you to get away from OM. A man going through a divorce is not what you need. He doesn't have his own thoughts together.



And that is what he will tell the police as they take him away in handcuffs and you in a body bag too. That is what they all say.

First - get out of this adulterous affair. Period.

How do you know he just recently left his wife? Because he told you? You have no idea how many times we've heard that story and later heard it differently.

"deluded" may be an apt name for you. The rush you're getting from the affair very likely clouds your judgement about how bad things have been at home.

This is a Marriage Builders site. We will gladly help you sort out the problems in your marriage, but I for one will not waste my time while you're in an affair with a married man.

Please direct you husband to this site - I'll help him.

I've ended both today. I've agreed to counselling with my H and have told the OM that until he and I are both divorced (if that happens) that we can have little to no contact. I'll still see him daily at my job but outside of that I can't see him.
I would direct my husband here but I don't need him to find out who I am on here, that would open up a whole new can of worms.
FYI not that it matters but I know for sure that he's not with his wife. He's living with his father and I know his wife. It was her that told me he had left months ago.