My marriage started going downhill in early 2005. At the time, I was involved in some real estate that I had just bought and was not home a lot of the time. ( as perceived by my wife.) During the summer of 2005, my wife started getting angry and taking it out on me. She would come home from her parents on a Sunday night and hiss at me and spend the rest of the evening on the computer. I believe that my wife had and may still have an internet addiction. She met some guy on some bulletin board system last June or July and proceeded to have an emotional affair right under my nose. When I confronted her about all this time on the computer and a bunch of phone calls from out of state, she would lie and get angry.
Initially she claimed he was talking to him because he was “easy to talk to” and she needed a social outlet which she accomplished by spending hours every evening on the internet talking to all her friends. If I walked into the room she would start closing windows and get angry if I started asking questions. This went on through July, August, September and October if 2005. In late October, she went on a business trip out of state and had a one night stand with a woman she had met online. She did not tell me until a few days after she got back. At this point I spiral into a deep depression for all of November and most of December. We start therapy at the local mental health center. Some sessions are together most are separate. I am still in therapy at the same place and taking an antidepressant. By early February, I had gotten to a place where I was ready to confront her and say that we can’t go on like this. By this time she was still having an emotional affair with the same guy online. I basically said choose your online network or choose me. At this time, I found out that she had been lying about cell calls to her online affair when I would complain about the high cell bill. She is also saying that she is “on the fence” and does not know if she wants to divorce or not and is questioning whether she ever loved me or not. Around the end of March I confronted her again and said: “Are you still on the fence?” She answered yes. At that point I said I guess we’re done then. A few days later, I called an attorney and started divorce paperwork. I brought home some paperwork which we filled out together and turned it in to the attorney. A couple days after that she tells me she has had a change of heart and does not want a divorce. After this things got better for a short time but now I feel like we have slid back into old habits. We still bicker about stupid things. She gets angry if I ask about her computer usage, or if I ask about a number I don’t recognize on the cell bill. ( She did ask for her computer to be taken off the internet when we “reconciled”) Now her net access is either at work or at home on my computer when I am not here. So basically, I am expected to keep my mouth shut about things like time on the internet and phone usage and just pretend like nothing ever happened. My therapist says bugging her about that stuff will not build trust and not bugging her will build trust. After what has happened, I find it hard not to notice some of this stuff. I am guilty of snooping but she is guilty of betrayal. She says she does not want a divorce but yet her actions are not consistent with her words. I did some things wrong myself like buying real estate without discussing it and I did make some bad investments that would not have happened if I had listened to her. From my perspective, the things I did wrong pale in comparison to what she did and yet she acts like what I did is just as bad as what she did. I have a real problem with that and it is making it hard for me to ever start to forgive her. She is not currently in therapy because she just started a new job in May. I am feeling like I don’t want to be in this marriage anymore. I feel I deserve better. Any thoughts?

How long have you been married? Do you have any children? Did I read you correctly - your wife is bisexual?



What is your therapist's explanation for this? Whose trust is your therapist trying to build? Yours or hers? Yes you do need to avoid LB's and DJ's but you do have the right and obligation to ensure yourself that wife is not continuing her affair behavior if she is telling you that she is not. Trust is you believing what she is telling you is the truth without any doubts. If I followed your therapist's advice, I would shortly go insane. I think I would need a new therapist.

I get the impression that there is a lot you have NOT said in your post. Is there anything else relevant to know? If your wife is bisexual, is there any other "unusual" behavior that you haven't mentioned (either hers or yours)?

Have you read surviving an Affair?

Have you installed a keylogger on your computer at home so you can monitor her computer usage?

Have you considered counseling with the Steve Harley?

A person with nothing to hide hides nothing.

mopic,

I think you need a new therapist....and I'm not surprised that like many therapists....yours seems to have no idea about how to battle infidelity or addiction. Please call the Harley's about your marriage problems before you both do more damage to your marriage.

I want to warn you about trying to claim that YOUR indiscretions are WORSE than hers....from a moral standpoint, I agree....but I'm sure that she doesn't feel that her grievances are trivial, and financial issues can be horribly destructive to marriages too. Sounds like you are both being dishonest....and if you want honesty....you need to be prepared to give it.

Her computer time....and your financial issues....all fall under the Policy of Joint Agreement if you want to recover this marriage. Please keep reading and posting.....and make a call to the good dr.

Welcome to MB

she doesnt know what she is. one encounter with a woman which she says she didnt want but allowed to happen anyway now she is questioning her sexual identity.
we have been married since oct 2001 we have a 2 1/2 year old son.

I have thought about counseling with steve but would rather use someone locally.
I did read his needs her needs, I asked her to read it she blew me off.

I was trying to say that I think her transgressions are worse than mine. Saying that to her would be destructive. I have been as honest as I can. I know she is still not being totally honest because I have found things on the sites she goes to and checked phone records. Except for snooping as described above I have been honest and I get an attitude when I ask about something I discovered.

From a moral standpoint, I would tend to agree that adultery is a tad worse than being a lousy businessman. However, wayward spouses don't always fall in line with that thinking. I would just set that thought process on the back burner and focus on more relevant issues. Confused sexuality would probably be high on my priority list.

Install a keylogger on your PC. You can't do much about her work PC. Snooping is not necessarily bad. Getting caught snooping could be. For the moment, continue to gather what facts you have but avoid confronting her with them. Remember that every time you confront her with an issue, you compromise your intelligence source. Make sure it is worth it. Usually when a WS gets caught, they just go further underground hiding their cheating behavior even better.

Don't worry about the "attitude". That is typical. You are simply not playing along and that makes her mad. If you would let her have her affair(s) and pretend she wasn't, she would not have this attitude problem. Your call. I prefer the attitude. Just avoid LB's and DJ's. You cannot make her stop her affair. Only she can do that. You can expose her affair(s).

This ONS with the woman is perplexing. Are you sure you have never had any inkling of this before? If that is her real problem, I don't think you have much chance of recovery.