Many of you know my story. This past week my WH or FWH, not sure which, asked me - If I had a secret life, would you want to know about it ? In shock, I said, no - then I would not love you anymore... After thinking this over for about 2 minutes, I tried to get him to talk about it, but he said that he was just kidding !!

He blurts things like this out all the time. I do believe he is deeply involved in a long term affair. His response to this is - just go with it !! but never actually admitting anything, but I know quite a bit...

In my eyes, having a secret life and having HAD a secret life is two very different things. And yes, I do need to know and take it from there... I am very angry with myself for not jumping on his almost admition... darn it...

He has been talking recently about us moving out of state. Which I think would be a good thing, to put her far away. But, this may be a moot subject since his job is kinda still here in this area... so that would be silly to move and him still being able to come back here just about any time... and see her....

I know I need help please....

Carnation

Are you snooping to see what is going on?

carnation,

I think that we have discussed this possibility before.

I think you need to be prepared to deal with bigamy/polygamy when you discover the WHOLE truth. It isn't such a farfetched idea to me.

JMHO
committed

Agree with committed, but I don't suspect he will ever confess the truth. What a ****** of a way to live, Carnation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi Hiker, thanks for replying. I have been following your story and appreciate the feed back.

My WH is a very very sneaky one. I believe this LTA has been going on for a long time. Back when it would have been "easy" to catch him, I had no clue at all. Once I caught wind of it, he has gone underground, deep. Plus, he is an OTR truck driver, so very hard to track his whereabouts. I believe he uses a calling card mostly.

I am planning a vacation next month and hope to put a gps in our car somewhere - must be where he can not find it, since I have talked about others doing this with him so he is on to it, figures. I do blieve this is my best way to finally catch him. I just need to be VERY tricky in where I place it, cause I know he will look in the obvious places.

Postitive proof is the only way I can bring this out in our open and go from there.

Others here have actually used the words - secret life - and that scared the heck out of me, of course ~~

they were right !!!

thanks again for replying.

Carnation - still living it and wondering --

What is wrong with me ???

Thanks so much committed and Mel...

Dang it, the truth hurts so much !!!


Scared to stay - scared to leave...

Thanks for your help - I truly need it.

Car

I am hoping that installing a gps somewhere real hiden inside our car while I am out of state may bring this to a head once and for all. No denying this if he goes to her house...

Any suggestions on doing this ??

Thanks so much for reading and helping me.

Carnation

((((car))))
You hadn't posted about your situation in a while I had hoped things had turned around for you. for me the worst part was not knowing....always wondering, suspecting but not being able to prove anything.

How about hiding the gps under the carpet in the trunk. I have "stuff" like emergency road equipment, blanket that anything like that you can hide it in.

Are you able to track his money? Where he hits the ATM. If he is supporting another household he has to get the money from somewhere.

I know he uses a phone card and is not computer savy. Does he show up with new clothes or other personal items that he can't account for?

You've been dealing with this for a long time. If you get confirmation what is your plan? If you don't get confirmation what is your plan?

Hi car !

In shock, I said, no - then I would not love you anymore

You know this was absolutely the wrong thing to say, don't you ? You have to catch yourself better than this , Car. How can he POSSIBLY tell you anything in the fear of losing you immediately now, even if he feels burdened to be honest with you ?

Unless...

..what you said was very honest. Perhaps you would rather not know. if so, then make it very clear to him you never want to know so he won't trouble you by raising the issue again.

Think about if you want to know or not Car. Then ask him lovingly to tell you.

All blessings.

Hi Bob, you know how much I value your opinion !! Thanks for replying.

Yes, I know it was the worst thing to say - because, as much as I do not want it to be true - I must find out what is going on.

Just when I think it is over between them, he blurts something like this out and it starts all over again for me. If and when I find out it is ongoing - as much as it will be hard for me, I must leave the triangle.

I did try to regroup shortly after, but he was not talking. I tried in my most sincere voice to get the truth, but he said -- why can't you go with it ?? Hmm... sounds like trouble to me...

Bob, I just do not have the strength to walk away if there is any possibility for my M to work out. If it is over between them finally.

I am hoping to finally get my answers from the gps in July.

Thank you so very much for responding to me... it means alot.

car

Hi Cha Cha... thanks for replying.

Just recently he told me to look for new bedroom furniture. His words - I am ready to take the plunge. I took this as he was committed to us and it was over... guess not... and no, I did not get any furniture because my friend told me I may end up paying for it myself...

Yes, the not knowing and lying is taking a toll on me. I do not know what else to do. Hoping to find out once and for all with the gps... the website said it can not go through metal, and the trunk was not a good place... I will get one in a couple of weeks and practice with it first....

Cha Cha, sometimes he talks so positive about us and I think that it is over between them... thinking back, as I often do now, I believe it started about 5 years ago !! If and when I find out for sure it is going on now - I must leave him... I must...

Thanks so much for writing..

Car

Do you not want your M? If you find out he is having LTA...still....do you throw in the towel??? Or...do you come up w/ a plan and get tough/serious about saving your M?

What is it you really want?

I believe us pushovers..have WAY more power than we think. Our spouses have gotten so use to walking all over us it is a SHOCK when we stop allowing that happen. He is obviously attached to you...I think you have the power in you to take control of this situation.

Just look at hurtinginokla and how far she has come. There are some people on here I would like to meet in person to shake their hand or give them a hug, look them in the eye and say how proud I am to know them. She is one of them...talk about strength!

I just do not have the strength to walk away if there is any possibility for my M to work out.

Then don't.

What i wish I could make you understand is that asserting self respect HELPS marriges not HURTS them.

read 'love must be tough' by Dobson.

Your WH has no compelling reason to change how he is as you tolerate crumbs from him.

If you're happy with crumbs, don't complain.

if you're not happy with crumbs, why accept them ?

Hope is not a recovery strategy Car.

{{{c}}}

Cha Cha and Bob - Thanks so much for the advice.

Yes, I do want my M to work, that is why I am still trying. Screwing up, but still trying. Before MB, I would be LB ing all this like crazy. I do think I have learned alot from this board. Putting it into action is another thing, at least for me.

You are so right about him not wanting to change, why should he ?? I realy do try to be assertive and stick up for myself, but it is nearly impossible, like talking to myself because he is such a CA.

I missed a big opportunity to get him to open up, maybe - when he asked about the *secret life* -- I am pretty upset with myself over it, but I am not one to carry a grudge - even with myself !! (well, maybe - something seems to be wrong with me )

Thanks so much for responding. I will get the Dobson book, I have seen it talked about alot on here. I need all the help I can get, this rollercoaster is far from over...

Thanks again, Car