Hello friends. I am new to this forum and found it out of sheer desperation to find some answers. Ironically enough, I am a young pastor at a growing church. I just got married on June 3 (yes, only 9 days ago) and since then I've felt as if it's been the biggest mistake of my life. I believed for much of my life that God had perhaps set me apart to be single in order to be available to do His work, just like my hero, the apostle Paul. So I became somewhat content with the idea of being His alone for as long as that might be...even the rest of my life. But my desire to have a family some day and somehow please a church full of well-intentioned parishioners who couldn't seem to accept that fact that I was a 25 year old single pastor have brought me to this place. I had nagging doubts throughout my dating and then engaged relationship with my wife. We'd never really talk about our problems (because pastors are somehow supposed to magically have everything figured out...) I married her just over a week ago...but I am not in love with her. I don't suppose I ever have been. I am in love with the idea of raising children and pushed by the fear of being alone for the rest of my life. But I don't feel the kind of love that I feel should be present to have a happy, fulfilled relationship for both of us. She has admitted to having doubts herself and even to not having complete peace about the wedding and marriage itself. I have been praying so much and seeking God's will on this. I am terrified that she and I have rushed into something that was not ordained or intended by God. I feel very ashamed of my foolishness and trapped. The word ANNULMENT keeps coming up in my mind.

I know that God is not the author of confusion. I know that He will honor those who truly seek His will with the intentions of following that will...whatever it may be. I guess I am just hoping someone out there can help me by sharing a different perspective.

I spoke to my parents (very Godly people) about it...and admitted to them that I can see my life going on without my new wife in my life. They assured me that they just desired for me to be happy. But I don't even know what that means anymore.

Any help and especially prayers would be tremendously appreciated.

God bless you all!!

james. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

James,

""I have been praying so much and seeking God's will on this.""

""The word ANNULMENT keeps coming up in my mind.""

Well, there you go.

Anything else we can help you with?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

Post deleted by Hiker45

I believe the Good Book says in the book of James that "Faith without Works is dead", thus implying that faith is not simply an internal feeling but an action. I relate that closely to love. Love without actions is dead. Love is an action with the ultimate scribe of that action being the One who took the nails for you and I.

Now you can choose the path of least resistance and simply walk away from your wife, find a new church to preach at, and start again if you believe that is your lot in life. Or you could make a different choice and that would be to accelerate your relationship maturity by applying the priciples on this site. Learning about emotional needs. Reading some wonderful books on the subject of love such as His Needs/Her Needs and The Five Language of Love. Then apply these new found "actions of love" to your current "marriage" and I will guarantee you one thing and that is that things will be different.

LH- that was wonderfully put! Bravo!

James- I don't think Lost Husband could have put it any better than that! M is hard work! Communication to your congregation is essential, why wouldn't it be in your marriage. I would have to say that you and your wife need to learn about emotional needs because it does seem that all of your needs are being met. I would recommend reading the srticles on this site. Printing an En questionnaire for you and your wife and trying to meet those needs.

You are in the best place for help! Welcome to our MBers family! I'm still new and learning from the wonderful people here!

And so what were you thinking when you said your vows?

What's the commandmaent about bearing false witness?

Sorry for the sarcasm, but exactly what were you thinking? And now? "Sorry, please forgive me." All better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I suggest perhaps you should also consider giving up your calling to be a pastor.

Or perhaps you're zooming us.

Troll alert!

I'm not sure what "zooming" means...but everything that I have said came from a sincere heart. "Troll alert?" I suppose that when you divorced your first wife, you were exempt from your vows as well? "all better"?? I am not perfect...no pastor is. I am just trying to do the right thing in God's eyes and am seeking encouragement and advice from GODLY people who were willing to share it in love. Don't tell me that I've done wrong...the load on my heart already has. But may God bless you and your family.

James, I guess there is suspicion since you chose to post on the infedility portion of the Marriage Builders Site.

Try reading the information on the site and perhaps get a copy of "His Needs/Her Needs". Above all be open and honest w/ your spouse. This may be a journey you decide to take together or she may not want to be married to a man that doesn't love her. She has a right to be involved in the decision.

I didn't divorce my only wife.

I just find it amazing that you can so glibly enter vows not being sure of yourself. And you're going to marry people? How did you rationalize this at the time?

You expected you'd somehow acquire the sincerity in time?

Look buddy, you have to seriously ask yourself these type questions. Think of this as tough love. My point is don't just think all you need to do is come up with a good "Godly" rationale for why or how you can get out of this pickle. Until you figure out your core issues for how you can talk the talk but not walk the talk, you have no business representing those virtues to others.

JMHO

WAT

Since you are a pastor you should know that GOD HATES DIVORCE! He says divorce is only acceptable when there is sexual immorality, which you don't have in your relationship.

Here are the verses:

Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery. (Mark 10:11-12)

Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery. (Luke 16:18)

Jesus describes divorce and remarriage as an act of adultery. Even though there may be official paper work involved (e.g. Deuteronomy 24:1, "certificate of divorce"), when a man or woman divorces their spouse and remarries another, this is an immoral act. They have committed adultery, and this is radically serious; because,

Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4; see also 1 Corinthians 6:9-10; Revelation 21:8)

Even in cases where there is an "innocent party" involved (i.e. where the woman does not want the divorce), if this "innocent person" remarries, she has committed adultery. As Jesus said, "whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery" (Luke 16:18), and in Matthew 5:32 He says, "whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery." If the man divorced his wife because she was sexually immoral, then the woman would have already committed adultery. But, if she was not sexually immoral, and the man divorced her, and then she remarried, she would then be committing adultery; and her husband who divorced her is the one who caused her to do so (Matthew 5:32). Divorce and remarriage equals adultery (Mark 10:11-12; Luke 16:18).

So I would take this as God is NOT telling you to get an anullment. Consider that maybe the enemy is trying to break up a marriage that God brought together.

JMO, if you were married by a priest or pastor, your marriage was ordained by God.

--CO

God hates divorce ... but I think He can also understand a very young, well-meaning man who bows to pressure and makes a terrible mistake. I think many marriages here started out with deep love and affection and high hopes and, well, life got in the way and people are trying to recapture what was.

But if you have never been in love with your wife, I do not think that is the sort of thing that gets better with time. I think it gets worse.

I'm sure you are praying deeply about whether this is just delayed cold feet or a youthful mistake. If the latter, I'm sure this experience will help you in the future as you counsel young couples. Maybe that is the lesson God is trying to give you here. (I think the fact that she feels the same way is significant -- if she were in love with you, your response might be different.)

Young James,

I gotta tell you buddy, I find it very disheartening that when confronted with some tough questions, your instinct was to attack… Not only that but rather than discuss with those who posted your position seems to be one only of defense.

“””We'd never really talk about our problems (because pastors are somehow supposed to magically have everything figured out...)”””

Who says this? I know plenty of pastors who’ve been in therapy, counseling, treatment centers. So I have to ask is this theory a burden someone has put upon you or one you’ve chosen to carry all by yourself?

“””I have been praying so much and seeking God's will on this…… I know that He will honor those who truly seek His will”””

If’n I ain’t mistaken, most of His will for us is pretty much written in red. Quite a bit of it was posted up there by “Cheated On”. So whose will are you searching for? I understand you are scared and that’s OK but if you came to a site called “Marriage Builders” looking for an out then you came to the wrong place. This site is full of people who have been to the “crossroads” of life and saved marriages from Satan and people who didn’t. This is not a Christian site though many of us are Christians but there are all types of people with all types of beliefs here.

“””I suppose that when you divorced your first wife, you were exempt from your vows as well? "all better"??”””

Son, that sure don’t sound like a Pastor talking to me… Rather that sounds like a “stone tosser”….

“””I am not perfect...no pastor is.”””

And here we are again…. Did someone say you were perfect or is that another cross you are choosing to bear alone.

“””I am just trying to do the right thing in God's eyes and am seeking encouragement”””

Encouragement for what? Do you want encouragement to do what you already know is the wrong thing to do? Do you want someone to enable you to put aside or cast out the vows you made before your family, your church, and Our Lord? Well, young ‘en I ain’t prepared to do that because I know for a fact that that is not God’s will for me. However, if you want someone to encourage you in how to build a loving marriage then you’ve came to the right place. Please follow the advice I’ve already given…..

James -


You have a whole family of children to help raise - God's children. Your parishioners.


Love is a verb, not a feeling. You choose to love. Yes, there are feelings attached to the action, but it's still a verb. Furthermore, as a husband you are commanded by God to love your wife.

You cannot make her love you, or force her to choose to love you. You can, however, choose to love her yourself. If you show her love, she might very well show you love in return.


Marriage is ordained by God. It is my opinion that when two people get married, regardless of whether it was the person God intended for them to marry (not implying that God has decided who we will marry in advance), they have entered the marriage convenant willingly.

Neither of you were forced to marry each other. You chose to do so willingly, even if you had reservations. To walk away now because you think you made a mistake would be wrong, IMO. Arranged marriages were the norm years ago (and still are in some places), and there have been many examples of arranged marriages where the spouses grew to genuinely love and care for each other (Jacob and Leah, anyone?). This happened because they chose to and worked at it.

To me, this (marriage) is not much different than our relationship/convenant with God. We come to Him willingly....and then when things get tough, or we question ourselves, what do we do? "Annul" the relationship with God, or try to draw closer to Him? (This is not an attack on your faith.)


You know what your mind is saying. Now bounce that against scripture and wise council from other people who are strong in their faith.


The most happiness you can achieve is following God's will, as He knows what is best for each of us. Discerning God's will is hard (at least for me). You need to do a lot of soul-searching, a lot of praying, a lot of studying, and a lot of talking to experienced believers. Is there a senior pastor at your church, or older more experienced pastors within your denomination that you can seek council from?

You are married. There are no Biblical grounds for divorce (infedility or a believer married to a non-believer, and in the latter case the believer does not have the option of divorce, only the non-believer).

Marriage is hard work...even if it's with someone you positively know you want to be with. I feel that you will best be served by getting down to work, and learning how to be a good husband (and eventually a good father). Bring God into the marriage and He will make it more than you can imagine.

Finally, I suggest you look at Husbands and Wives Roles by Mortarman. Read it, study it, learn it, and live it.

Like everything in life, you get out of it (marriage) what you put into it. You lead your church - now lead your family. You can do this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Very nice cheated_on <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> , I just wanna first say I love you and I am so lucky to have a W who lives by the faith of God because if you didn't I know you would have given up on me a long time ago. You are a walking example of how to live by faith!!!
James1980 ...I am an unfaithful spouse and cheated_on is my W. I had an A 6 months ago. We are still early in the recovery stage because I told her so many lies about the A and we have been thru so much since the day she found out. If you want to learn how to live by faith follow her lead. After all the mess I put her thru during these last few months she has still by the will of God given me this undeserving second chance. You think YOU don't have feelings for your wife...try being cheated on! So many members of this site have been put in a place in their life that they had no control of. Their worlds have been flipped upside down. Their vision of their future has been cut short. They can't find it in their hearts to see past the next day! They suffer from depression,anger,resentment and low self esteems because their spouses,the one the love the most put them in this place where they can not see anything. All they have is faith! That my friend is what you need to have ...FAITH. Like I said earlier in this post I lied to my wife all those months in the past and the crazy part is I actually manipulated myself into thinking my lying was Gods will. I made my self think it was o-kay to lie to her because God forgave me for my infidelity and therefore I didn't have to tell her anything. I used my forgiveness as a way to justify my lying. I would think to myself that God does not want me to hurt my wife with hurtful truths about the Affair. But the truth is God did not want me to lie!!! When we call upon our lord to free us from our struggles is does not mean he wants us to do what ever we want to be happy. He wants us to do what ever he wants for him to be happy! We are to live for him...not ourselves. That was the hardest thing for me to accept during this whole situation. Too many time I was doing what I wanted and not what God wanted. I want to leave you with a verse that has helped me thru my situation...
LUKE 9: 23-24 . I purposely did not write the verse because I want you to make the effort to seek God and read his will. Let me know your thought on this verse that way I know you read it...

Broken- wonderful job! it was a joy to read!

James- I hope this is helping you. I don't see how you can end a Marriage without giving ita chance to breathe. All marriages need to be nutured to good health!

I have quoted this before in some of my posts:

"There is not remedy for Love except to love more!"

James,

I, too, was suspicious, (troll alert!!) hence my smart alecky reply to you. Please accept my apology.

Many MBers are advising you to stick it out and learn to love your new wife. Just like in the arranged marriages the man and woman learn to love each other....hopefully....eventually.

I would at least set up some visits with a pro marriage counseler, you both go and speak honestly about your sitch, and work on this for a time.

kirk

I think arranged marriages have a lot of cultural context and support that would be missing here. A couple in an arranged marriage that eventually learns to love each other is approaching their marriage from a completely different set of expectations and framework than a young western couple like this (and like most of us here).

I'm all for saving marriages and honoring vows, especially when there are children involved. But I also don't think there's any shame in a young couple with their lives ahead of them amicably agreeing that they made a mistake and chalking it up to a learning experience. I also agree that counseling is in order before they make any decisions.

James, just a word of brotherly caution, if I may. This site is NOT a "Christian counseling" site. It certainly has many believers, sadly, but it is open to all regardless of religious faith or belief. So be cautious and discerning in the advice you receive and respond to.

WAT, I would humbly ask you to refrain from posting to James for a while. I would ask you to let his "brothers" and "sisters" in Christ try to help out from a biblical perspective.


James, I wanted to focus on something because I, personally, need some clarification before proceeding. Here is what you said that I want some clarification from you:


"Annulment" is a Roman Catholic thing, not a Protestant sort of thing. So I need you to be SPECIFIC as to what sort of "pastor" you are. What denomination, if any, and how do you see yourself as a "born-again" believer? I'll not, at this time, go into the specifics of theological beliefs, but I want to get some sort of framework of who I may be talking with.

Here is the key question that I need a direct and unequivocal answer from you. Will you humbly submit your will to God's will and follow Him and His commands in humble obedience regardless of anything you might be feeling?

James, this is no longer about "just you." I give you John 14:15 and John 14:23-27.

I'll wait for your response.

God bless.

LH,

""I believe the Good Book says in the book of James that "Faith without Works is dead", thus implying that faith is not simply an internal feeling but an action. I relate that closely to love. Love without actions is dead.""

???????????????????????????????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

"But now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." (1st Corinthians 13:13)."

Please understand that I am not a priest or man of the cloth, nor do I play one on TV.

FH,

""It certainly has many believers, sadly, but it is open to all regardless of religious faith or belief.""

Excuse ME???? And whats wrong with us believers??

""I would ask you to let his "brothers" and "sisters" in Christ try to help out from a biblical perspective.""

Then you all should get an UPPER ROOM.

The SQs (scripture quoters) are out in force...James is a pastor is he not??? Aren't you preaching (quoting) to the choir (preacher?)?

k