Approximately 2 years ago, an aquaintance friend of mine left his wife for a woman that he met while working (he is self employed). He was doing the usual WS stuff (i.e. dressing better for work and he is a carpenter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />, going out at night for business more often, etc.).

Well his wife caught on to the red flags and discovered the A. Soon after she kicked him out and he abandoned his family. He even forgot his kids birthdays and rarely called to see how they were. Subsequently, his kids want absolutely nothing to do with him. On top of all this he is also a dead-beat-dad who has not paid any CS for the past two years.

I just found out that the OW kicked him out of her place last week and he is now living with his brother across the street from his in-laws house. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

So now he is left with no wife, kids who don't want anything to do with him, no home, no OW, and will be going to court soon to answer why he hasn't paid any child support.

Two years...right on target!

Wow, that is a great story to uplift all of us MBers. It's always nice to hear that A's destroy themselves, given enough time! Thanks for the story!

I have never posted to you before, so I apologize that THIS is the one. But.... here goes.

I really never find it admirable to rejoice in the misfortune of someone else, even IF they brought it upon themselves. It is tacky, I think.

Also, have you ended your potential f-up? Is your possible EA over? Was it possible or did it exist?

I think the greatest news YOU can provide is that your A or your possible A is over. You are a member here and it seems far more prudent for you to deal with YOUR situation than to rejoice in the downfall of some other WS.

I mean, how tacky would it be if I rejoiced in soe other WSs bad luck if I had posted not 2 weeks ago that I MIGHT be having an affair myself?

The 'one's own backyard is more important' theory applies here I think.

I am sorry for any offense, but I honestly wonder about sincerity when so close to having an A someone rejoices(points away from themselves) in the crumbling of someone else's A.

I'll add, that if you did NOT have an affair... then I still don't find it very compassionate to be happy about someone else's horrible life.

It just seems so tacky.

Patriot....where do you see Hope "happy" about this...all he did was tell a story that confirms the Harley's pricipals. I think you are reading WAY too much into it!!! As for his situation....I applaud him for having the balls to come to a discussion board and talk about some of the pitfalls of adultry that he is going through.

Us BS's go through enough without having board members attack us for situations we are trying to obtain help for from others.

Just my .02
MWIL

""I apologize that THIS is the one. But.... here goes.""

YYYEEEOOUCH!!!

patriot, glad to hear from you even though this is your first post to me.

I was rejoicing the end of an A that destroyed this man's M and family. Two years after the fact, his XW has not fully recovered from the effects of his actions and she still requires the council of a psychologist.

I do not wish any harm on people with the exception of my WW's OM. In his case, I hope that he dies a slow and painful death for his part in all of this. I can forgive my WW, but it will take a lifetime (minimum) for me to even consider forgiving him. This may offend many FWS or even BS for that matter, but it is how I feel. In his case I would defenitely rejoice in HIS misfortune.


In regards to my potentail EA...the genie has been put back in the bottle. I received a couple of very well timed and effective emails that helped me understand the consequences of my potential f-up. Thanks to them...you know who you are! Believe it or not I also received an email encoraging me to follow through with my desire to have my EN's met by someone else <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


I see your point and will only add that I was rejoicing the end of the A more so than this friend's misfortune. I'm sure he now realizes the true extent of consequences his A has had on everyone involved.


No offence taken here.


If my WW's OM proceeded to have a horrible life from this day forward, I would be happy...until such a time he was humbled and broken by his destrucitve actions.

If that makes me tacky, then so be it!

HTW

MWIL,
Possibly I did read something into the post. The tone seemed 'happy' and even has another member saying thanks for the 'uplifting' story.

Aren't all facets of affairs nasty and horrible? Even the after affects on the participants... victims and evil-doers alike? Not much uplifting about affairs to me. Totally my opinion.

As far as attacking, I did no such thing. Where as I am glad that an affair is over(per HTW's story told here) I just can't be happy that any of it happened. Am I wrong to say that the greatest news he can provide is how he has stopped his affair? Or stopped the makings of his potential affair? Which would you rather hear from me? How I stopped 10 affairs of people around me or how I stopped mine.

I made no attack. If you feel I am wrong for speaking up, then I apologize. My opinion, clearly stated as such, is that HTW stopping HIS own affair or potential affair is the single best way HE can change the affair landscape, so to say.

And I have a ton of compassion for betrayed people, but you will get no compassion from me regardless of status here when you are doing something wrong (that this specific forum was designed to support against, in fact) and trying to justify it. When I am wrong, call me on it.

I have no problem calling others on what I see wrong.

If you feel the need to speak up about my personal situation, please do so. I have not hidden it here. Read up and give me a 2X4 if you wish. I have no ill will towards you and HTW. I would only be interested in the end if affairs and the enabling of true recoveries.

Possibly you don't like my delivery? Does that make the fact that HTW needs to end his wrong any less true? I ride no moral high ground here, but I can promise you that I have not spent time on other people's issues when mine needed tending to.

So.. I suppose now the ball is in your court. Let me know what you think and if I need to shut up, then so be it. If I have a valid point, then maybe you can tell me how to communicate it better? I am open to any and all ideas that help myself and possibly others.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />Thats good news!!

I would like to point out that I continued to support those whose stories I've been involved with for a long time. I reduced the quantity and qualtiy of my imputs since I knew I had my own issues to deal with.

what I meant my uplifting was not intend for the misfortunates that the woman and her children are going through. what was uplifting was the fact that Dr. Harley's search and the principals that we are all trying to follow was valadated with this story! It gets me the hope that my M can survive this destruction that it's incurred! I would not celebrate the pain and suffering of someone else, being the same pain and suffering that my Family is going through! I wouldn't wish that on anyone and if someone can learn from the mistakes that my M has had to suffer, I would gladly help them avoid the same mistakes. One by referring them to this website!

Patriot...point taken....you didn't attack him...I guess "critical" of his post....which clearly could have been perceived in many different ways.

I just have been following Hope closely the last 8 months, and know what the guy is going through....almost to a tee!!!! Guess I was just watchin' his back!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No problems with you Patriot!!

patriot,

I completely understand your point about compassion and not rejoicing in the suffering of others....even those that perhaps must suffer because their own choices have caused their suffering. Ayn Rand said "Happiness is a state of non-contradictory joy—a joy without penalty or guilt, a joy that does not clash with any of your values and does not work for your own destruction, not the joy of escaping from your mind, but of using your mind's fullest power, not the joy of faking reality, but of achieving values that are real, not the joy of a drunkard, but of a producer." The truth is that we harm ourselves when we wish for the unhappiness of anyone else.

Still....I think there is much to be happy about in this post....and much to be joyous about. I also think it serves a very good purpose for the board and some of the members and I'll tell you why. It demonstrates the truth behind the strategies and principals here. It reinforces what we know about the biochemistry and science of affairs. It makes something like the length of Plan B....logical and understandable. It gives BSs hope who may have lost hope. All of those things do a service to this board....and I see no place where Hopethisworks reveled in another's pain....or fault in rejoicing that something as destructive as an affair is now over and people can see the emptiness of that choice in the consequences. It is a real life example that has the potential to impact those who are lurking and haven't yet decided. I bet that seeing this....and sharing this....has even reinforced Hopethishelp's OWN decision not slide down that slippery slope.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I appreciate the discussion here.

Not to be mean or picky... but I don't see any reference in the first post here to anything of or dealing with MB priciples. Maybe I missed it, honestly.

The norm around here seems to be Plan A is for 3-6 months, plan B is 12 -18 months. This is the closest thing I can find. The 2 year reference.

Beyond that, there is nothing about how exposure was done, how plan A or B worked or anything else that I have read on this site. Nothing about how questionnaires were used to build this marriage. Nothing about how they spent money talking to Dr. Harley on the phone and it fixed it all.

Just the end of the affair(yay) and the utter downfall of the WS. Not to mention the horrible circumstance of the betrayed wife and children.

So, I appreciate the discussion, but I see nothing that can be likened to MB principles. 2 Years is the only thing I see that can be remotely linked to MB. Plan A + Plan B.

It reads to me that the primary thing going on( the subject of the story) is the pain and suffering endured by all involved.

Kicking the WS out is not usually the first thing advised to BSs. Forgetting your childrens birthdays is not an acceptable behavior from ANY parent.

Can someone please point out the MB principles here? Honestly, because I am a little nervous that I might have missed them and I AM truly interested in building my marriage.

thanks.

Star:

Love the quote!

-ol' 2long

patriot,

The two year remark was in reference to Dr. Harley's statement that A's usually last between 6 months and 2 years. That is why I made that comment. It was to reinforce Dr. Harley's timetable for tpical affairs.

My aquaintence friend does not know about MB principles and may not even be interested in recovering the M. I was tying to highlight how A's almost never work and how their timeframes are faily typical.

The other information was inclueded to clearly demonstrates the destructive nature of A's. I was glad to hear the end of the A...not at what was left in its aftermath.

HTW:

If this guy is a friend of yours, you'd be doing him a huge favor by referring him 2 this site - or another pro-marriage site if you'd rather he not read your story here.

You'd be doing him a huger favor by encouraging him 2 negotiate with his W a reasonable amount of child support - including retroactive 2 when he left... ...because the courts are likely 2 do that anyway - and not necessarily in his "favor."

CA courts HATE deadbeat dads. ...even more than I do! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

2long,

Although he is not a close friend of mine I do consider them "aquaintance" friends since we were all in a wedding party several years back and that is how we got to know each other. Actually, I haven't seen him since before this all began 2 years ago. I found out yesterday through my mom who had spoken to a friend of his wife.

She is extremely bitter from what I understand and probably would not entertain the option of reconciliation right now.

It's a sad stroy and all the product of adultery.

Maybe refer HER 2 this site, then?

-ol' 2long

Hope- I'm fairly new to the site and I understood the reference. Thank you once again!

2long,

Believe it or not she works for the same company that my WW works for and has told her sister (who I know) that when my WW sees her she turns away from her.

I will try to get a hold of her somehow to see if she would be interested, even if only for personal recovery.

NC, I didn't think I was rejoicing in his misfortune with the exception of the smiley face with tongue sticking out. Anyway my intent was to rejoice in the end of the A not his current predicament.