My daughter who is now 20, was molested by my father in law from the time she was 4 until she was 12. My mother in law use to keep her for us. When she would be gone away from the house the FIL would play games and he would tell our daughter if she won she could do what she wanted to and if he won he got to do what he wanted. Well you know what it is he wanted. All I can say is it was a horrible family mess, he denied it for a year, and my BIL sat on the fence while my wife and I battled back and forth in turmoil over the situation. My mother in law was on my FIL's side saying it was always the girl's fault...yep, a 4 year old's fault. She said a man just couldn't resist girls coming onto men. The two of them were messed up. And because there were two different states envolved at the time a report was filed, but nothing could be done unless charges were pressed and my wife didn't want to press charges. She didn't want her parents to go through that hardship and she didn't want our daughter who was 12 to have to testify. But in the meantime we fought back and forth with her parents that it wasn't a 4 or 12 year old's fault, but the grown ups faults for molesting her.

The stress wore on me and my wife and hurt our relationship and it had my stress so high it triggered my sexual addiction. And I started seeking out women on the internet to listen to my story. It then lead to affairs, one after the other.

My father-in-law after a year of constant arguing finally said he would see a counselor just to listen to what we had to say. The counselor got him to be able to just say to our daughter that he was sorry for the things that happened. He still believed it was her fault, but he knew not to say that part to her. We also gave guidelines on visitation and that he could never be alone with her ever again until she was grown and out on her own and then it was her choice.

The problem though is I was told not to tell anyone in my family trying to maintain civil contact between our families. My famlies knows all the same people my inlaws know. And if I told my mother or brother about my daughters molestation then I'm sure they would tell all my FIL & MIL friends, which would make any reconciliation a problem.

So for my daughter to have a chance to heal and speak to her grandparents I had to suppress all my feelings and not talk to anyone. It was another reason for the part of my acting out. The counselors did what they thought best, but they didn't take into consideration that I had a sexual addiction problem.

Now here we are 8 years later and my inlaws are back to saying it's all our daughters fault again. Our daughter just had a psychotic breakdown. We have been spending thousands of dollars on her health and our inlaws have not sent us a dime. Our daughter had to drop out of college. She spent a month in a mental institution. She tried to commit suicide. All of this is due to what her grandfather did to her. And yet they do not recognize it and still say this was her fault and she came on to her granddaddy.

So here is my question....is it time for me to tell my family and ask for help?

IMO...
I think it is time for you and your W to stand by your DD...do whatever it is she needs you to do...even if it means no further contact w/ MIL & FIL.

Look into the statute of limitations. If they have not expired or there is a loop hole have him thrown in jail!!!!!

Do not believe for one moment that a predator like this has only done it once or to one person.

As for your daughter you need to stand by her.

As far as your FIL is concerned how does he say it was her fault? I am sickened by this.

You should not allow your daughter to see her rapist!!!! This in some way shape or form has to cause conflicting messages to her. That it is her fault.

Keep her away from him and the MIL who probably had a feeling this was happening. And have him thrown in jail to rot where he belongs.

They treat people like him great in jail.

I hope things get better for you.

The confusing part is trying to decide what she wants. Her grandfather has always been a loving person in her eyes, because she never knew anything was wrong. And he always did fun things with her. He played games, took her fishing too her boating, skiing, played basketball, baseball, alll the fun outdoor games. And because she finally figured out that him making her touch, and him touching her was wrong when she got old enough, she didn't like that part any more, but she still liked the good parts, which is what made everything confusing too her and I am sure is what had brought about her psychotic breakdown. It's being torn between what you see as a good and loving grandfather and then the part that is sick that you don't want to deal with.

YES!- Your daughter needs this to happen now. She needs you to be her protector. Take control you are her father who she looks to for support. She needs you to expose this. I think it is the only way to solve it. HOnesty is the best policy. Tell all. Sorry to your wife who will have to go through the embarassment. She needs to understand that her daughters needs must come first!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is actign out for help and needs strong parents to support her.

ASk me do you think the stress of everything caused your affair? Why?

ASKME,

You know my story. How different my life might be now if, when I was a child, the adults around me had stood-up for me and protected me.

I can see that you did the best you could, at the time, under very difficult circumstances to help your daughter. And believe me, I am sympathetic to your wife's desire to 'keep the peace' in the family (is she the one who instructed you not to tell?). However... allowing your inlaws to keep insisting that it was your D's fault, while you continue to keep their nasty secret, is further victimizing your daughter.

I think ChaCha is right.

I think your daughter needs to see her parents make some BOLD moves to send a set of VERY CLEAR messages:

--That none of this is, or ever was, in any way, shape, or form her fault.
--That you will no longer keep your IL's dirty little secret... protecting them at her expense.
--That you will not tollerate their absurd justifications for their sickness (yes, IMO, your MIL is sick too)
--That you will do WHATEVER IT TAKES -- be it cutting your inlaws completely out of your life, criminal prosecution, widespread exposure, or all of the above -- to protect your daughter from further harm from them.
--And that there is a legion of loved ones who will swarm around in support of her in her most desperate time of need.

IMO, your daughter does not need any reconcilliation with her grandparents. She needs someone to step up to the plate and take extraordinary measures to protect her from them!

So, to answer your question: Yes, I think it's time to tell and to get help and support for your daughter and for you.

All my best,
--SC

One more thing. If possible I would take this man to civil court as well and sue him for damages to pay for your daughters therapy.

I don't care what he did with her that was "good" it does not over ride or excuse the bad.

What he did was immoral and illegal. It is your job as a parent to protect your child not your FIL.

How would you feel if you found out he did this to someone else? The chances of that happening are greater then you may think.

I was prone to sexual addiction. Going through my childhood history and everything I know about it know it's obvious why it was so easy for me to fall into it.

Super high levels of stress are my triggers. When I feel I have no where to turn but death, which is not something I can to partake in, the sexual addiction kicks in as a control mechanism. Addictions are how most people would relieve that type of feeling, they would turn to alcohol, drugs, etc..... I turned to the internet seeking out women who would listen to me and connect emotionally. If I could connect at the right level, sex wasn't even important, it was the connection. But what happened often is the connection came after sex. That is where you lay there, talk, and listen to one another very intently in each others arms.....So definitely the stress caused many affairs for me. It triggered one after another.

WHAT? Your child was RAPED for YEARS and your wife didn't want the RAPIST to "go through any hardship"???? Where on earth does that kind of thinking come from? Why didn't you stand up to your wife and press charges yourself?



Why in the world would you be having ANY contact with such horrible people after what they did to your daughter? All criminals try to justify their actions, why in the world would you listen to it, or make your daughter listen to it?



VISITATION???? You made your daughter VISIT her RAPIST????? What??????


So you refused your daughter the support of loving family members, told her that she just needed to act like this horrible series of assaults never happened, and demonstrated to her that "civil contact" and FIL & MIL's social standing was much more important than helping her heal.

How does a parent get to this point?



What about your daughter???? What feelings did you ask her to suppress??? She apparently wasn't allowed to talk to anyone either -- except her RAPISTS. You go to such lengths to protect her relationship with her grandparents, but not with anyone else who could be geniunely loving and supportive for her ....


Your daughter is falling apart in front of you and your priorities are the relationship with the people who did this to her, money, and having sex yourself. Where is your daughter in all of that???



It is way past time for you to step up and be a parent and protect your daughter and make her a priority. Who cares about the consequences to your IL's. Focus on your daughter and help her! Tell anyone who will listen and press charges against the grandparents. Shine the light of day on this sickness, let the IL's start paying the price for their sick behavior. They should be the ones experiencing the guilt and shame instead of your daughter.

You know SmartCookie, I think she has known I have fought hard. She turns to her mother for some things, but when it comes to protection, she turns to me. She knows I protect her. The only sad part is she knows about my addiction and that is where I failed her. She sees men as being all alike. Not to mention this all affected her brother too. This has been a family mess all caused by my father-in-law. And I have felt like I have been the only soldier leading a battle for 8 years. And my counselor has finally given me the go to stand up and take any action I need to. He said my daughter is at the point where she can handle it.

From personal experience, it's important that her is validated. It was not her fault and she has to get that throught her head! Do whatever it takes. I would recommend not having any contact with MIL and FIL. Life has been great with NC to my victimizer! I would also notify the rest of the family because there may be other children involved in his sick games! I was nine when the abuse started. keep reminding your DD that she can do anything and become anything she's wants. Because horrible things happen to people does make the person that it happened to horrible. She can be success in her life, but she needs to find the inner strengh. I was worried that I would do this to my kids and therefore didn't want any when H and I got together. H made me see that I was incapable of doing this. Your daughter probably has a lot of unspoken fears that she needs to come to terms with. My biggest help was writing in my journal, maybe that will help her also! Please let her know that she's not alone, that she's loved, and would be greatly missed. Even by people that don't know her! If I could I would wrap my arms around her!

I wish you the best and look forward to hearing how your DD is doing! I will pray for strenght and courage to your family and for your D. God bless!

Have you asked her? Is she coherant enough to know, be able to figure it out? Can she be presented with some options? Regardless, even if she's afraid of what might happen, once the secret is broken and she gets the validation she needs from others, I think it would have a positive effect.



And I'm sure her confusion over how this "loving" man could do such a twisted and hateful thing to her further adds to her belief that it's her fault. Sorry to say this ASKME, but he sounds like a typical MANIPULATIVE predator to me. That's how ALL child molestors get their victims to "go along with it" -- by being charming and nice. If they were mean and rotten, kids would want nothing to do with them.


She needs to know that there are plenty of people who will love her, support her, do nice things for her, and have fun with her -- without expecting her to give them her soul to stomp and sh-t on in return! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

--SC

To answer some of the questions simply, most of the decisions were based on what our daughter wanted, with what my wife wanted, with what the counselor suggested. My daughter did not want her grandfather to go to jail. Our daughter wanted to continue to see her grandfather and grandmother, she just wanted her grandfather to stop touching her. Our daughter is tough, obviously not as tough as she would have you believe, but she is tough. And she just wanted the bad part to stop, but maintain the good parts. She didn't want to put the family through hurt and pain.

Now my view was that he should have had to go through the process even though it probably would not have resulted in anything because it was her word to his word. But she did pass a lie detector test. And she knew things for her age didn't should not have known. And she knew details about him she should not have known.

I can't press the charges, it has to be our daughter who is the adult. And she says she does not want to press charges. I have asked, and asked.

At this point all I can do is ask for my family's support, which they haven't know anything except that she had a breakdown, but don't know the reason why.

Very well said smartcookie!

And that is what I have always tried to do. She knows I have never asked anything of her and I have given my best to her. She knows she has her daddy wrapped around her finger, which is probably a bad thing. Because she knows she can manipulate me. Sometimes I just have to say sorry, but absolutely not this time.

And the counselors know she probably feels the safest with me. Not long ago we had a good cry together as I explains why I was always so angry at her grandparents and she said she understand, since she had talked to them and knew that they didn't understand. They actually told her they thought it was her fault, which really upset her. But she is working on that with the counselors to learn how to deal with it to make her stronger. She only sees 3 counselors, 1 psychiatrist, and 2 groups. So we have the help for her and we participate too. Not to mention I have my own counselor and psychiatrist also. If anyone knows anything about addictions and how it relates to sexual problems, I have experience.

Ask me,

It is a hard question....and I'm going to give you a hard answer. I was molested by both my grandfather and my step father. I am healthy now....but I can tell you what it took for me to get that way. I needed to hear from these men that I didn't do anything to encourage them....that I was child....and they took the responsibility for what happened as the adults that they were. I could never have ever had a relationship with them again.....and I would probably be really messed up right now if I had to have contact with someone who blamed me for being their victim. I cannot imagine what kind of mixed message your daughter is receiving by you and your wife's continued attempt to heal this situation without his complete admission of guilt and responsibility. It will NEVER be safe for her until that happens. I had the rare opportunity to face my abuser....the only man I knew as a father....he was in therapy for ten years before he could do what needed to be done to repair our relationship....come clean...take responsibility. We will never really be close....but I am now free to move forward without HIS burden.

One of the hardest hurdles that every sexual abuse victim faces is that it's possible that some of the abuse is pleasurable....the closeness, the stimulation....but that does NOT mean that it's desirable. Do you remember the story of Sybil? She had one personality whose sole purpose was to have the orgasms because the guilt it creates is crippling....demoralizing....a betrayal of your own body and self. This man believes that because he tutored a four year girl to respond to his touch....that she's partially to blame.....and it's CRAP and sick beyond belief. He tutored her to show love is the sickest way he could find....and because she was an impressionable child....now he holds her responsible. He's a pedofile....and he'll never get better until he can face that. You need to cut this man out of your life because he is far too sick to ever be a part of it (and so is your MIL)....and I personally, would like to see him prosecuted for it....but families rarely do that...even my mother didn't do that. Any contact you have with this person until he is willing to see the truth....shows a lack of protection towards your child. All or nothing....it's the only clear answer and your daughter needs it....nothing else will do.

I dislike the part where you say that stress triggered your sexual addiction and affairs. I think that's as big of a copout and the junk your FIL is spouting. Having said that....I appreciate so much your posts to others who struggle with sexual addiction. I think poor stress management skills can certainly create poor coping mechanisms....but obviously, there are lots of ways of managing stress that don't result in addictions of any kind. When you found yourself stressed....you had a choice of how to deal with that stress. Once you learned to find relief in sex and affairs....then stress would trigger those desires....but it sounds to me like you may still be "justifying" somewhat. Not everyone who undergoes massive stress turns to addictions....so there is more than just the "environment".

I support pursuing civil action, on the pain and torment of you personally, and your family...and I would like your IL's case to be, "Not guilty because it was the child's fault."

And I would ask...any other grand-girls? Odds are...

I have a friend whose stepfather did this to all three girl children...grand nieces and grand-girl children...they don't stop...and no one told...no one shared...no one stopped him...

And yes, they take care of him in his old age...that duality remains...and so it continues...

My heart is with you AskMe...and thank you for sharing...you reminded me of something really important...my SA DH has gone 10 months without porn and is in control of his thoughts now...and it didn't occur to me that what triggers these addictions the most is stress...and he was just pondering aloud how he doubts true change, yet looking behind at these past 10 months, he's beginning to believe in himself, his control, his choice. What has been lack in the last 10 months is high stress...bouts of moderate, not high stress. So thank you for that consideration...you help all over, AskMe.

LA

I'm not justifying starfish, the problem is too deep. I take 100% responsibilty for my actions. I should have been getting help. I turned to yellow pages several times and eventually I even went to see the man I had picked out, but it took an extraordinary event to get me there. Fear was holding me back. And the addiction was keeping me in the game, it took away the pain I was feeling. It's funny, but the addiction runs in my family. My uncle was a sex addict, and so was his uncle. An alcoholism runs deep in the family too. Plus there were just so many other issues, such as abandoment by men.

As far as my inlaws they have very limited access to our family. We use to live close, now we live in another city. Visitation is restricted and happens rarely. Mainly it's my wife who wants the family to stay somewhat normal. She says she does it in case our daughter needs to face her father one day. I think she does it for herself. And my wife was an emotionally abused victim by her parents. And for her sex is not enjoyable because it was made out to be dirty and only for dogs. Her mother always suspecter her father of having affairs and would drag her around town looking for him. They would put her in the middle and argue over who would get her if they divorced. My FIL's mother hated my wife and my FIL never stuck up for my wife. In fact my whole FIL's family could not stand my wife. When her aunt visited my house once she even said, you never were my favorite, your brother was. That is how emotionally abused my wife was. I didn't know this until recently but my FIL use to beat my BIL and wife with a belt. It wasn't until my BIL got into college and punched out my FIL that he finally stopped.

I never knew these bad things. Had I known it, I would have never left my kids with them. My wife kept it all from me, which a big part of the argument once I found out about the molestation.

I have thought about suing them civilly. They are the type of people who love to show of money. Just to win to prove my daughter right would be enough.

There is another granddaughter, but she lived in another state and she has been asked multiple times and we don't think he did anything to her. The counselor believes it was only with our daughter because my FIL saw our daughter as more than a child playing, it was like almost a date for him. Like a woman being there to socialize time with him and he didn't understand the boundary between adult and child.

And while all the mess did somehow start the acting out of my sex addiction, once I realized what I was doing and stopped, I haven't acted out again. In fact I have been really good at not doing anything I shouldn't. I guess when you grasp the problem and understand it, it's easy to overcome it.

I think part of my problem was I knew there was a problem in the marriage, but I never saw it as two problems, just one. My wife had a serious problem, and I had a serious problem. I have done a lot of work on mine. My wife has been working on hers, but she still has some work to go. Her problem obviously was her parents and how they affected her. She had low self esteem, she felt she had to be their protector, their guardian, she felt she had to put their first in our lives, and it affected our marriage.