{{{{HUGS & MORE HUGS}}}}

I thought you might need some! I feel pretty desparate (SP) today also! I'm right there with, emotional drained! That should have been my screenname! LOL

If I knew a good joke I could make you laugh a little more but since I can't remember outside of:

The clean horse fell in the mud!

I guess I can't help you out with that today! LOL I'll have to practice my jike telling! LOL

you keep saying that your wife, and Mil is in PA,what does that mean???

It's Passive aggressive behavior. There's a good post in recovery about this called SMHI's passive aggressive... you might want to read that or do a google search.

Welcome, I don't think we've met! Have a good day!

NeedingComfort
Thanks!

And nice to meet you!

Hurtingless: have you ever considor that your wife is Bipolar? your wife is exactley like my Mom...
here is a linke you might wanna check out

http://psyweb.com/Mdisord/jsp/bopd.jsp

http://psyweb.com/Mdisord/jsp/napd.jsp

I hope am wrong about this ,and please dont take ofense by this... when a read about your stich you could have discribed your wife as my mom.Minus the infidelity.

M33-your welcome!

M33,

Thank you for the links. What the heck now that I read them it is a possibility. LOL.

Problem is she doesn't see a problem. LOL.

She did some IC but didn't like the way it made her feel. IE she wants to talk about her abuse as a child. Wanted to bury the feelings instead of dealing with them.

NC

I posted on the PA thread regarding last night.

Long story short. She did something I didn't like. She came out and told me I shouldn't be mad. I told her, please don't tell me how I should feel. I explained my feelings (owned my one) She realized I had a reason to be upset and apologized.

Different outcome then the usual. I actually had no problem going to sleep last night which is not normal after something like that.

HMMM. Don't know what happened but I liked it.

Very Good! I look forward to reading it, if I ever get there! LOL I'm still on pg. 8! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Working on me is making my head swim a little and I have to take a break! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Anyone for a KitKat? Reese? Almond Joy? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

"I told her I don't know if I want to go through that at this point. She asked why. I told her for the last 3 years I have tried to prove to her I loved her. Every single time we have a fight or a disagreement etc she tells me it proves I don't."- I am glad that your conversation truned around and she realizes the reason that you are staying is because you love her, BUT what I hear on my end is frustrating. I hear two people reaching out to each other and both of them just want to be loved by the other person. YOu wife loves you and she is reaching out when she brings her problems to you. YOu don't need to solve them for her just validate that she is feeling that way. (have you ever read men are from mars women are from venus? ) these ideas are written about in that book. By just listening to her and saying that you understadn that she is _______ and repeating her ideas, she feel secure in you being able to care for her. She needs someone to be there for her when she is feeling down to listen, not judge, and provide validation- not a solution. When you describe your wife's responses, I hate to admits it, but it sometimes is like how I am. I just try to tell my H my problems and then he doesn't comfort me or respond the way a typical person would. Think about it like this. If a person off the street whom you had no emotional atachment to told you that they missed their mother and wanted to move back home. HOw would you respond? YOu probaly wouldn't say, "you know how your family is....." YOu would be comforting and say I am so sorry you feel this way. It is almost like you are too close to the problem to listen to it and understand. YOur wife is only looking to you for comfort. Try this, next time your spouse tells you somethng about her mom, just give her a hug and repeat back what she said, I understadn that you are upset about ____, I hope it gets better for you. JMO

For you, I hope that your wife starts to turn around soon. It seems by your post that you both are fighting to have the other feel for each other. GOod Luck and hugs!

CFC,

I learned it from "White men can't jump".

Can't remember their names but the girl says I want some water. He said let me go get you some. She said I don't want you to get me water I wanted you to empathize with me.

I will tell you I think my FWW does want me to comfort her but I am starting to have a hard time doing that.

I could write a book on the entire dynamic about the NY thing. It wasn't about missing her mom. It was about her mom not having an opportunity to be a part of our lives. Which was a true statement. I empathized. I offered to fly her out here every year. That offer was refused by MIL.

Then it wasn't talking about how she felt it was her telling me she resents me because she has no relationship with her mom. So two choices live with her resentment, or move back. When I pointed out her moms behavior she said mom changed. So she gave herself permission to resent me.

Not only that she put her relationship with her mom over her relationship with me. She assumed her mom would be different and assumed I didn't love her because I couldn't understand that.

Last thing. She has not up until this point done this for me. Meaning saying something comforting.

I am going to give the mirroring/validating/comforting thing to see how it works.

What the heck. I am willing to try anything.

Can you take a step forward when you feel like taking a step back? Are you capable of letting yourself take that chance? Of letting that wall down just a little? Reaching out with an open heart inspite of all the hurt and pain you have?

As children we love unconditional! Do you remember when you're kids were little and when you got home they would run to you yelling: DADDY"S HOME! at the top of their lungs or for that matter MOMMY"S HOME! It didn't matter if you had punished them the day before, they were just happy to see you, be around you, touch you! WHy? Because you are their dad, they will always love you not matter how much trouble they get into the day before. Until they get older they don't start holding things in like adults do, building resentment. They don't expect anything from parents. They're happy for a hug, a kiss, a meal, a box, a ball, why because it came from you!

Think about your kids when they were little! How innocence their feeling were and try responsing to your wife like that!

NO expectations! Just love, how much do you love her?

"NO expectations! Just love, how much do you love her"

Dang good question. Enough to come this far but not sure if it enough for what is to come. LOL.

I am really struggling with that right now.

I posted on yours a little so I am not going on and on about it.

I am honestly trying to decide if I have it in me to do that now. No expectations that is. Maybe if it was 2 years ago or a year ago but now I don't know.

Again I need to be honest with myself. I don't want to punish or hurt her. If I think I can only make it half way then really is that fair to her?

So the move issue came up this weekend again.

New twist it is just moving out of state. Too expensive to live here now that we passed up the opportunity to buy a few years ago.

FWW says another couple is moving to South Carolina. She spoke to the husband and he said he was tired of feeling like his life was on hold here.

FWW comes home and says she feels the same way about life being on hold. This hit me as wrong on so many levels. LOL

Anyway she now wants to move again but in the past all I heard about is how family is so important and that is why she wanted to move to NY.

Now my family is here and my kids love them very much. Grandma and Grandpa watch them and take them on camping tirps etc.

Now it seems she has forgotten how she emphasized the importance of family and how her need to be around her family tore our M apart.

Besides that she has done very little as far as recovery from the A is concerned.

I had to bite my tongue while she was planning this future. I haven't even decided if I am staying yet and she wants to move to another state.

Should I tell her I would consider moving but first I need to decide if I am staying with you. Then if I decide to we need MC and I would need to see a lot of progress before committing to a move. Then say there is no way I am moving without a postnup that protects me and allows me to move back if things don't work out.

I understand she is trying to test the waters but dang that is a hugh leap.

I obviosly didn't handle the discussions about moving back to NY well.